Chapter 38
Aria checked the time on her phone.
9:47 a.m.
Thirteen minutes.
Thirteen minutes until this ridiculous appointment she still wasn't convinced she needed.
She crossed one leg over the other and glanced toward the elevator.
People moved in and out around her. Nurses, doctors, and families carrying flowers and bags.
Nobody paid attention to her a nurse sitting down at the nurses station.
No one saw her inner struggle because if she was being honest, she was already thinking about leaving... actually, no, not thinking about it she was sitting there planning it.
This was stupid. She didn't need therapy.
Chase needed therapy.
Chase had memory loss.Trauma.Torture.PTSD.A whole missing life.
Aria just had feelings and honestly? She'd survived those just fine.
Her phone buzzed.
A text from Parker.How's that internal therapy prison holding you? Thinking about running yet?
She rolled her eyes.I'm considering escape.
The typing bubble appeared instantly.Do it and Naomi will hunt you for sport.
A smile tugged at her mouth despite herself.Traitor.
His reply was instant. I like being alive. That woman scares me.
She shook her head and shoved the phone back into her purse.
9:51.
Still time. Plenty of time, actually.
She stood and grabbed her purse then she took exactly three determined steps toward freedom when a voice stopped her.
"Leaving already?"
Aria nearly jumped out of her skin.
She turned.
Naomi stood there holding a coffee cup like she hadn't just materialized out of thin air.
"How do you do that?" Aria asked.
Naomi smiled. "Years of practice and unresolved control issues."
Aria sighed. "I was just..."
"Planning your escape? Planing to avoid our appointment?"
"...No."
"Yes, you were." Naomi smirked as she sipped her coffee.
The annoying part was that Naomi didn't even sound judgmental. Just knowing.
Like she'd seen this exact version of stubbornness a hundred times before.
"I really don't think I need this," Aria said carefully.
Naomi took a sip of coffee. "Mm."
"That wasn't convincing." Aria scoffed.
"It wasn't supposed to be."
Aria crossed her arms. "I'm serious."
"I know." Naomi motioned toward the hallway. "Walk with me."
Aria didn't move. "Naomi..."
"You can cancel future sessions but only after one session."
"That sounds manipulative."
"It is." Naomi said then she softened her tone. "Just one hour and if you still think you don't need this afterward, I'll never push again."
Aria hesitated.
That was the problem with Naomi.
She never pushed hard.
She just stood there being reasonable until resistance became embarrassing.
"...Fine."
"Wonderful." Naomi turned immediately. "Come on."
"You're weirdly confident that I'm going to just follow you."
"Because you are."
The walk through the hospital was quiet.
The ride in Naomi's car was smooth.
Naomi opened the office door and stepped aside.
Same room as yesterday. Soft lighting. Bookshelves. The stupidly comfortable couch.
Aria narrowed her eyes at it. "You people make this room too cozy on purpose."
"Yes." At least she was honest. Naomi sat in the chair across from the couch.
Aria sat stiffly.
Like if she relaxed even an inch she might somehow lose in this battle of wills.
Naomi didn't speak immediately she just waited for Aria to relax.
And somehow that made Aria more uncomfortable.
Finally: "How are you?"
Aria answered automatically. "Fine."
Naomi nodded once. "Okay."
Silence.
Aria frowned. "That's it?"
Naomi smirked as she wrote in her tablet. "That's your therapy answer."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
Naomi folded one leg over the other then looked up at Apria from her tablet.
"It means people who say they're fine that fast usually aren't."
Aria looked away. "Well, I'm functioning."
Naomi was quiet for a second before she said, "That wasn't my question."
Something about that made irritation flicker in her chest. "I'm here, aren't I?"
"Yes." Naomi's voice stayed gentle. "But I didn't ask what you're doing." She tilted her head slightly. "I asked how you are."
Aria opened her mouth closed it and tried again but nothing came out.
And then again that irritated her more because she suddenly realized...
She didn't know. Not really.
Naomi watched her carefully.
"When was the last time someone asked you that," she asked softly, "and actually waited for an honest answer?"
And for some reason Aria froze at the question.
Aria looked down at her hands and thought about it for a moment only to realize she couldn't remember the last time someone had actually asked her that question and meant it.
The silence that followed was akward.
She shifted on the couch crossing one leg over the other only to uncrossed it again then she looked at the bookshelf, the window... anywhere except Naomi.
"I mean..." she said finally, shrugging one shoulder. "People ask questions time."
Naomi didn't immediately respond, she just waited before arching a brow.
Aria sighed. "Okay, maybe not like that."
"Like what?" Naomi asked.
"Like..." she motioned vaguely between them. "Actually wanting the answer."
Naomi nodded once. "And when was the last time someone wanted the real answer?"
The lump in Aria's throat showed up before she had permission to feel it.
She hated that.
Hated when emotions snuck up on her.
"I don't know." It came out quieter than she meant.
Naomi stayed still there was no more writing in her tablet, no therapist talk she was just quiet.
Just listening.
Which somehow made this worse.
Because Aria had gotten very good at talking around things.
"You know what's funny?" she said, forcing a humorless laugh. "Everybody thinks I'm really good at handling things."
Naomi tilted her head slightly. "And are you?"
Aria gave a short shrug. "I mean..." Another sigh, "I guess I had to be."
Naomi went still for a second then nodded once. "There it is."
Aria frowned. "What?"
"The answer." Naomi leaned back slightly. "Not that you wanted to be."
Her voice stayed calm and she repeated Aria's words. "That you had to be."
Something about the wording made Aria shift.
Uncomfortable suddenly.
Naomi watched her carefully. "Let's talk about that."
Aria immediately tensed. "There's not really anything to talk about."
Naomi raised an eyebrow.
"People who say that are almost always avoiding exactly what we need to talk about."
She smiled as she lifted her coffee for another sip then she asked the question Aria was hoping she didn't.
"Why did you have to be the strong one?"
Aria opened her mouth but no words came out to her it was obvious, wasn't it?
"Because somebody had to be." She finally spoke, the words came out fast.
"Okay," Naomi said gently. "Why?"
Aria sighed. "Because everybody else fell apart." She looked away. "Because eventually people stop showing up."
That one slipped out before she meant it to.
Naomi caught it immediately. "What do you mean?"
Silence stretched.
Aria picked at the seam of the couch cushion.
"At first..." she swallowed. "Everybody cared."
That old ache surfaced immediately. "After Chase disappeared, people were there. You know they checked in, they brought food, hell they even cried with me."
Her voice softened around memory. "Everybody kept saying they'd find him."
Naomi stayed quiet.
Listening.
Not interrupting.
"But then time passed." Aria laughed softly, bitter around the edges. "And people got uncomfortable."
Her jaw tightened. "Because I wouldn't let go."
The room got quieter. "I still thought he was alive." Her throat tightened. "And apparently that made me difficult."
Naomi's expression softened. "Difficult?"
Aria nodded once. "People started treating me like I was grieving wrong."
Her voice grew quieter now.
"Like there was a timeline. Weeks become months and then eventually they expected me to move on after a year. They said that I had to accept reality that he was gone."
Her eyes burned. "But I couldn't."
The confession came out smaller than she meant. "He promised me he'd come back."
Silence. "I know that sounds stupid."
"It doesn't," Naomi said immediately.
Aria shook her head. "Eventually people made me feel stupid."
Her voice cracked. "Like I was crazy for believing he was still alive."
She looked down hard. "So..." Her shoulders lifted in a weak shrug. "I stopped talking about it."
The room went still. "I stopped crying where people could see, I stopped saying his name in conversations, and I stopped telling people I thought he was coming home."
Because every time she did people looked at her with pity, annoyance, or worse embarrassment.
Naomi was quiet for a long moment.
Then she said, "So you became the strong one."
Aria laughed except it sounded tired.
"No." She swallowed hard. "I became the quiet one."
The words hung between them heavy with unresolved hurt.
Naomi didn't rush to fill the silence.
Didn't offer some perfectly polished therapist response.
She just let Aria hear herself and the pain in her own truth because saying it out loud made it real and it made her realize just how much of herself she had buried.
Naomi leaned forward slightly. "What happened when he came back?"
The question hit like a punch to the ribs.
Aria looked away immediately. "I don't want to say it," she muttered. "Because this is the part where I become a terrible person?"
"No," Naomi said softly. "This is the part where you except that you are human."
That caught her off guard because she'd spent years convincing herself the uglier feelings weren't allowed.
Not if she wanted to be good.
Not if she wanted to be understanding.
Not if she wanted to survive this.
Her jaw tightened.
"At first?" She laughed bitterly. "I thought I was losing my damn mind."
Naomi stayed quiet.
"Because for years people told me to stop hoping, told me to move on, and told me he wasn't coming back." Her voice grew thinner. "And then suddenly..."
Her throat tightened. "There he was."
Alive.
Breathing.
Standing in front of her.
Except... not really.
"Only he wasn't him." Her eyes burned. "He didn't remember me."
Didn't remember them.
Didn't remember promises.
The future they were supposed to have.
"And then..." Her voice broke slightly. "He had her at his side."
Naomi stayed still because they both knew who the her was... Emily.
The unspoken ache sitting in the room.
Aria rubbed at her face quickly.
Annoyed at herself already.
"And I hated him for that." The confession landed hard.
She shut her eyes immediately. "Not now," she said quickly. " ... but back then."
Her throat tightened. "I hated him for not coming back, I hated him for making me wait."
The words came out rough now honest in a way she hadn't allowed herself to be.
"I hated him because he made me a promise and lied."
A tear slipped free."He promised me he'd come home."
Silence. "And then when he finally did..." She laughed, but it shattered halfway through.
"He came home with a wife."
God.
Just saying it out loud hurt.
Naomi's voice stayed soft. "And what did you do with all of that anger?"
Aria laughed again, this one sounded emptier.
"What anger?"
Naomi gave her a look.
The kind that said: Try again.
Aria looked away. "I buried it." The answer came quieter now. "Same place I put everything else."
Her chest tightened.
"Because everybody needed me to be okay. Chase needed me to be understanding and everybody else was just happy he survived."
"So..." She shrugged weakly. "What was I supposed to say? Hey, welcome home, glad you survived your torture, also I'm devastated and furious you brought another woman back after forgetting me?"
Her laugh cracked into something sad. "That felt selfish."
Naomi was quiet for a second. "Was it selfish?"
Aria opened her mouth.
Stopped.
Because suddenly... She didn't know.
"I don't know anymore," she admitted quietly.
Naomi nodded slowly. "Aria..." Her voice softened.
"You had grief for so long then they offered you hope that was followed by abandonment and heartbreak, and then you had him return in a way that reopened every wound at once."
She paused. "You weren't selfish honey you were grieving."
That... that almost undid her because nobody had ever said that before.
Nobody had made room for the ugly feelings, the complicated ones, the ones that made her feel cruel.
Her chin trembled despite how hard she fought it.
"I hated myself for being angry."
Naomi nodded. "Of course you did because somewhere along the way you were taught that your feelings were too inconvenient for people."
The words hit hard enough to steal her breath because yes that was exactly it.
And maybe the saddest part? She hadn't even realized it until now.
She hated crying always had because crying made people uncomfortable.
Crying made people ask questions.
Or worse...
It made them pity you.
And pity always came with expiration dates.
Naomi sat quietly for a moment before speaking.
"So." Her voice stayed soft as she asked. "What did it cost you?"
Aria frowned. "What?"
"This." Naomi motioned gently toward her. "Being the strong one, being the quiet one. What did it cost you?"
Aria immediately shrugged. "Nothing I guess."
The answer came too fast.
Naomi didn't react. Didn't challenge it right away she just waited.
And God Aria hated when therapists waited because silence made lying harder.
Eventually she sighed. "I mean..." Her voice trailed off. "I don't know."
Naomi tilted her head slightly. "Do you let people take care of you?"
Aria almost laughed. "No."
"Why?" The question came automatic.
"Because I don't need people to."
Naomi's eyebrow lifted. "That's not what I asked."
Aria looked away because suddenly the answer didn't feel as simple.
"I just..." she shrugged. "I handle my stuff."
"Alone?" The word landed heavier than it should have.
She looked down. "...Usually."
Naomi nodded slowly. "Do you trust people with your feelings?"
Aria barked out a laugh. "Not particularly."
"Why?"
This time the answer came faster. "Because people leave."
The words slipped out before she could stop them.
The room went still. Aria blinked.Damn.She hadn't meant to say that.
Naomi's voice gentled even more."People leave?"
Aria stared at the floor her chest suddenly tight.
"Or they get tired." This time her honesty surprised her. "Or they stop understanding."
She swallowed hard. "Or they make you feel like you're too emotional."
Too needy.
Too sad.
Too much.
Naomi was quiet for a moment. "You learned that vulnerability wasn't safe."
Aria laughed weakly. "Guess so."
"No," Naomi said gently. "You know so."
Naomi leaned forward slightly. "Tell me about now."
Aria frowned. "Now?"
"With Chase."
The name alone tightened something in her chest.
Naomi watched her carefully. "You got him back." She paused. "So why do you still look scared?"
The question landed hard because she was scared, terrified, actually and not in the ways people thought.
Not just scared of losing him again, though God knew that fear sat in her chest every second of every day.
No.
This fear was uglier and far more complicated.
Aria looked down at her hands twisting together in her lap.
"I don't..." Her voice caught.
She sighed. "I don't know how to do this."
Naomi stared at her with soft eyes. "What part?"
Aria laughed softly, humorless. "All of it." She rubbed a hand over her face.
"He came back." Her throat tightened. "And for years..."
God, how did she even explain this? "For years he was everything."
The words came quieter now.
"He was grief and he was hope. He was loss and he was my every what if."
Every prayer.Every ache.Every dream she never let die.
And then suddenly...
He wasn't an idea anymore.
He was real.Complicated.Broken yet standing in front of her alive.
"I wanted him back so badly," she whispered.
Naomi nodded once. "I know."
Aria swallowed hard.
"But I don't know how to..." she gestured vaguely, frustrated. "Be this version of me with him."
Naomi tilted her head. "This version?"
Aria laughed weakly. "The old me?" She shook her head as tears slipped from her eyes running down her cheeks. "She was emotional and open. She loved loudly."
The words felt foreign now. "She cried, she said exactly how she felt but somewhere along the way..." Her throat tightened. "She stopped existing."
Silence stretched. "I had to stop being her," Aria admitted quietly. "Because she hurt too much."
The truth of it cracked something open.
"I couldn't survive being that hopeful anymore." Her voice trembled despite herself. "So I learned how to shut things off."
Naomi nodded slowly. "You adapted."
Aria huffed a humorless laugh. "Fancy word for emotionally unavailable."
"No," Naomi said softly. "Fancy word for survival."
That hit harder than she expected because maybe she'd been angry at herself for something that had simply kept her going.
Naomi let the thought settle before she gently asked: "So what scares you now?"
Aria looked away immediately and for the first time all session she hesitated because this question felt dangerous.
Her voice came quiet when she finally answered.
"I'm scared if I let myself have him back..." Her throat tightened painfully. "...I'll lose him again."
The confession cracked through the room as a sob tore free from her throat.
"And I don't think I'd survive that twice. And I'm scared he's finally really back yet with all my messed up feelings..."
Her voice broke.
"....I don't know how to let him love me anymore."
The words sat between them leaving her feeling raw and exposed.
Maybe she had been too honest to take back.
Aria looked down immediately after saying them.
Like maybe if she avoided eye contact long enough, she could pretend she hadn't just cracked herself open.
The tissue box sat untouched on the table beside her she wanted to reach for one but she also didn't want to admit she needed them so she just swiped at her cheeks with the back of her hands.
Naomi didn't rush to answer she just let the truth breathe for a moment and gave Aria some time to collect herself.
"You don't know how to let him love you," Naomi repeated gently.
Not judgment in her words only reflection.
Like she was laying the words back in front of Aria so she could actually hear them.
Aria laughed weakly. "Sounds pathetic when you say it out loud."
"No," Naomi said softly. "It sounds sad."
That almost hurt worse.
Because pathetic she could handle.
Sad implied loss.Sad implied damage.Sad implied something had been taken.
Aria rubbed beneath her eyes quickly. "I used to be so..." she stopped and shook her head.
"So what?" Naomi asked.
Aria laughed once embarrassed, "Soft."
The word came out quieter than she expected.
"I used to tell him everything." Her chest tightened around memory. "Every thought, every stupid fear. If something upset me, he knew. If something made me happy, he knew."
Her mouth twitched sadly. "He knew me every part the good, bad, and the ugly."
Naomi stayed quiet.
"He'd always know when something was wrong," Aria continued softly.
"Even if I tried to hide it."
The memory hit unexpectedly, Chase at twenty was standing outside their apartment door with takeout in one hand and irritation written all over his face.
"You ignored my calls for six hours," he'd said the second she opened the door. "What's wrong?"
Nothing dramatic. Nothing big. She'd just had a bad day. Work sucked. Her anxiety had been bad. Life had felt heavy. And somehow...
He always knew. That day he had left work and he'd show up with food to make her eat. Ha had sat beside her until she talked and cried. He pulled her close and somehow his presence and his being there for her, had reset her world and made everything okay again.
Her voice grew quieter.
"After he disappeared..." She swallowed hard. "I stopped letting people in."
Naomi nodded once. "That makes sense after what you told me."
"No," Aria said quickly, frustration flickering. "It doesn't."
Her hands twisted together. "Because now he's back."
The emotion rose too fast.
Too messy.
"And lately he looks at me like..." Her throat tightened. "Like he still sees me."
The confession came out shaky.
"But I don't know how to be seen like that anymore."
The room went quiet.
Painfully quiet.
Naomi let it settle.
Then asked carefully: "What happens when he tries?"
Aria frowned. "What?"
"When he tries to gets close or when he wants to take care of you."
Her stomach tightened immediately because she already knew the answer.
"I shut down." The words came automatic. "I change the subject or I joke and say that I'm fine."
Her laugh cracked.
"I become impossible."
Naomi's expression softened. "No." The word came gently. "You become scared."
That landed somewhere deep.
Because yes.
That was exactly what it was.
Fear of needing.Fear of hoping.Fear of depending on someone who might disappear again.
Her jaw tightened. "He almost died." The words slipped out suddenly.
Naomi stayed still saying nothing, just listening.
"Every day there's something new a memory or a trigger even a nightmare."
Her breathing grew uneven. "And everybody keeps talking about healing like it's linear."
She shook her head.
"But what if he remembers everything and it breaks him? What if he realizes he doesn't want this?"
"What if..." Her voice cracked. "What if I finally let myself need him again..."
Tears burned fast now. "...and then something happens?"
The sentence broke her words apart filled by her very real fear.
Naomi let silence sit for a moment.
Then asked softly:
"Do you know what trauma does to love?"
Aria frowned slightly. "What?"
"It teaches you to expect loss." Naomi's voice stayed calm. "Especially after abandonment and grief. At some point you stop asking, Will this make me happy,and start asking, How badly will this hurt when it's gone?'"
Aria looked down fast taking in the truth of the words Naomi had just spoken, he own truth said out loud.
Naomi's voice softened further. "Sweetheart..."
The gentleness nearly undid her. "You're trying to protect yourself from grief that hasn't even happened yet."
The tears came faster now.
"I can't do it again," Aria whispered. The honesty cracked straight through her. "I can't lose him twice."
The room blurred. Her chest hurt. Actually hurt.
Naomi leaned forward slightly. "And what if," she said gently, "protecting yourself from losing him..." She paused carefully. "...is keeping you from having him ever again?"
With those words spoke Aria thought about the couch last night.
His head in her lap while sleeping peacefully under her touch or the way he'd looked at her lately his eyes always careful but hopeful like he was trying to find his way back like he was trying to settle in but didn't know where he fit without her guidance.
And all she had been doing was keeping pieces of herself locked behind walls.
Not because she didn't love him.
God how she loved him, maybe more than she ever had.
But because loving him openly again felt scary.
And for the first time she wondered if maybe Chase wasn't the only one relearning how to come home.