Chapter 10 #4
He doesn’t allow me to finish, however. Perhaps he’s afraid I will speak what we both know to be true. But at this moment, we ignore our misgivings, knowing that if we do this, there will be no turning back.
Whatever is brewing is fucking explosive.
It can destroy kingdoms.
God knows, Kit has already destroyed me.
But I don’t care…
“I’m going to kiss you. If you don’t want me to, you have three seconds to say so.”
“Kit—”
“One.”
“I-I…” But words have escaped me.
“Two.”
My cheeks heat for another reason.
I’m embarrassed.
“I want to…but I—” I lower my eyes, ashamed.
“You what?” His confusion is apparent.
“I-I don’t know how,” I confess, feeling juvenile and undesirable.
Kit’s mouth shapes into an “O” as understanding dawns on him.
He doesn’t judge.
He looks at me as if he wants both to protect and devour me.
And suddenly, I feel like the most desirable woman alive.
“Three…”
He smashes his lips to mine, robbing me of air.
But I don’t need air.
All I need is him.
He doesn’t seem to care that I’m inexperienced.
Or that this is the beginning of the end because he can feel this spark too. I know that he can by the tremble of his fingers as he brushes the hair from my cheeks. And by the way he doesn’t just kiss, he consumes my very soul.
He guides me with his mouth and tongue. Slow at first, allowing me to familiarize myself with his lips.
He’s hot and wet, a heady combination.
Hard, but soft.
Dominant, but kind.
It’s sensory overload, almost too much as I try to experience everything all at once, not wanting to forget a single thing.
I feel helpless, but powerful in his arms. It’s something I can’t explain. By surrendering, I’ve never felt more alive.
Our mouths move in unison, and when he slips his tongue in and circles mine slowly, a soft moan escapes me.
Pressing into him, I crave his heat. He tangles his fingers in my hair and uses it as reins while controlling the angle and ferocity of the kiss.
I like that he’s in control.
I don’t feel scared.
The memories of that night in the woods are hazy. It might be because my face was hidden, or maybe my mind decided to forget as a way to protect itself. All I can really remember is the pain. The pain sparks this deep-rooted anger and the need for revenge.
But being this way with Kit, the anger subsides, and it feels as if tenderness prevails.
With our lips still locked, he walks me backward until my back hits the wall. I feel every hardened inch of his body as he presses into me, holding me prisoner.
But I come willingly.
I stand on my tippy-toes, but he still towers over me.
I like it.
I feel safe and protected.
But what happens if this grows into something more? What happens when he uncovers who I really am?
Kit’s lips are soft against mine, but there’s a hunger in his kisses. It feels as though he knows I’m holding back and getting caught up in my thoughts.
“Hey,” he whispers against my lips, brushing his thumb along my jaw. His touch grounds me to this moment, and this moment only. “It’s only us.”
He senses the shadows dancing around in my head, yet he doesn’t run away.
Instead, he deepens the kiss.
Slow at first, ensuring I’m okay. When I wrap my arms around his broad shoulders, the kiss grows with urgency, and soon, it feels as if we both want to eat the other alive. I cling tighter, afraid this is all a dream and he will drift away.
The pain subsides, and all that matters is this moment. This is a new memory that saddles itself to the past, and I hope that maybe one day it will be the one that triumphs over pain.
Kit makes me feel safe, desired, and most of all…he makes me feel alive. And to someone who is dead inside, this feels nothing short of a miracle.
A heat builds inside me, and before long, I feel myself growing wet.
“Thataboy! Make her scream!”
I hate that Smokes still lives rent-free in my head. Even dead, I’m letting him win. I thought killing him would silence the demons.
I break the kiss and gaze into Kit’s eyes, which are brimming with passion. “If you had the chance to undo the worst thing you’ve ever done, would you?”
I decide to ask him the same thing he did to me.
It’s a question that reveals there is so much more to Kit than simply his good looks.
His eyes turn poignant. “It’s a tough question when the roles are reversed.”
I give him time to answer because I can see his answer will be as deep as mine.
“Yes, without a doubt. Some may live with their repercussions, but I will never accept mine.”
“And what is it?”
Kit Rivers is at a loss for words. I would usually gloat, but it’s apparent this is something that he hasn’t shared with many.
“I lost my father. To suicide. He hung himself. I was the one to find him in the garage.”
I frown, my heart breaking all over again for the Rivers brothers. Dandy told me his father took his own life, but never went into detail.
“It’s all my fault,” Kit confesses, lowering his eyes downward.
“Someone taking their own life is no one’s fault other than the person who made that decision.”
But Kit stubbornly shakes his head. “My mom asked me to keep an eye on him. He lost his job and was depressed. He didn’t feel worthy and didn’t see himself as a man. He saw himself as a failure.
“But I was chasing some girl. Can you believe that? I don’t even remember her fucking name. All my mom asked was to be with my dad until she got back from grocery shopping. But I was so fucking selfish and thought, what’s the worst that can happen?”
Kit found that rhetorical question out the hard way.
“Dad was diagnosed with depression. He took a bottle of his meds, downed it with a cheap bottle of scotch, and to make sure he finished the job, he fucking hung himself in the garage, where my car should have been parked.
“I will never forgive myself because, what if my car was there? Would he have thought twice about fucking killing himself? I mean, it’s not like he could have gotten to the rafter with my car in the way. Would he have realized the impact his death would have on his family and changed his mind?
“I’ll never fucking know.”
Dandy did not tell me any of this. Perhaps he doesn’t know. Perhaps his mother and Kit wanted to save him the heartache of knowing the full extent his father went to end his life.
“I can never go back and beg him to stop being such a selfish asshole. I’ll never have the chance to tell him what a fucking great dad he was. And for that, Cupcake, I will never forgive myself.
“I would take my dad’s place in a heartbeat if it saved my mom and my brother the pain they’ve suffered over the years. But I’ve failed them both.”
The mere mention of Dandy has me almost blowing my cover.
“I think my brother is suffering from the same mental illness as my dad, and I’m afraid one fucking day, I’ll walk into that garage and find him hanging from the rafter, just as I did my dad.”
“Kit—” I place my hand on his cheek and am surprised when he turns into it. “That’s the thing about hindsight. It’s fucking useless. Our choices are shaped by our circumstances, leading us to make decisions that seem right in the moment. The future remains uncertain for everyone.”
“I know, but I should have done more. I failed my dad. I failed my family. My brother is fucking falling apart, and I don’t know what to do about it.”
He presses his forehead to mine, and the gesture touches me because it displays trust and vulnerability. We’ve both surrendered to each other tonight. And it’s beautiful.
However, hearing this about Dandy and Kit is like a kick to the guts—twice.
I want to take away their pain because this, like my anguish, is something that changes you. I want to be there for Kit. And I want to be there for Dandy.
Why are all the signs pointing me back to where this all started?
Maybe it’s true what they say—home is wherever your heart belongs.
And my heart has never left Dandy.
And now, it’s beating alongside Kit’s.
“Does anyone really know what the fuck they’re doing? We can only strive to be our best selves. That’s got to count for something, right?”
Kit nods, but his sorrow is as deep as mine.
“Whenever I’m with you, I feel like the best version of myself. And I haven’t felt that in a very long time,” he confesses in barely a whisper.
I match his tone. “I feel the same way.”
And in the silence, we’re lost, holding one another’s hands.
My resolve is slipping, and sooner or later, Kit Rivers will be the demise of Olivia and pave the way for Hallie Holiday to emerge, reborn.