Chapter 5
Lydia
Twelve Months Ago
I slipped on my chunky black boots and grabbed my purse from the hook by the door. Just as I was reaching for the handle, the door swung open toward my head.
“Whoa,” I hollered, backing up a step.
“Are you leaving?” Blake asked, depositing his briefcase on the floor. He looked me up and down, and not in a good way.
“Yeah, Nelly and I are going to a gallery opening in Chelsea.”
“You’re going to hang out with some other guy, looking like that?”
It wasn’t like my gay, gender-fluid friend was a threat to our relationship.
Still, I looked down at my outfit like I was seeing it for the first time.
My top was mostly see-through mesh with a thick black bandeau strip that covered my breasts.
I had tucked it into a pair of tuxedo pants and threw on an oversized blazer that I left open.
“I look good,” I said, shimmying into his arms. “Don’t you like when your girl looks good?”
“Only when she’s with me.”
I wrapped my arms around his neck, and he backed me into the wall behind us. My back hit the wall harder than I expected, forcing the air from my lungs with the impact. I leaned in to give him a kiss.
“Change,” he growled.
Laughing, I looked up at him, expecting to see a smirk on his lips or his desire swirling in his eyes.
I was met with a cold, hard stare instead.
My brow furrowed in confusion. “Are you serious right now? I’m not going to change.”
“Yes, you are.” His voice was laced with anger. I pushed against his chest, trying to get some space.
“I’m meeting Nelly in ten minutes. I’m not changing. Ow.” He grabbed my arms, holding them tightly and pinning me against the wall. My heart rate climbed into my chest. He was scaring me. He had never acted like this before.
“You’re not leaving the house in that slutty little getup, looking like a whore for sale. I said change.” He slammed my back against the wall, winding me for the second time.
“Get off, Blake. You’re hurting me,” I told him. Tears prickled in my eyes from the fear.
His glassy gaze cleared, and he dropped his hold on me, only to pull me into his arms in a tight embrace.
“I’m sorry, baby. I didn’t mean to hurt you.
It’s just, thinking about you out there looking like this…
I know guys, baby. They’re going to be crawling all over you.
That’s not what you want, is it?” He backed up to look at me, his thumb caressing my cheek while he held my jaw in his grip.
“Are you already done with me? Ready to move on to the next?”
“Blake, no. It’s just an outfit.” I rubbed my hands up and down his arms, trying to calm him down. This was so out of character from his usual playful nature. “What’s gotten into you? You scared me.”
“I’m so sorry. I feel so bad that I hurt you, baby. Come on, let me make it up to you. I’ll make dinner for us, give you a massage while we watch any movie you want. I just love you so much.”
“I know, but I’m supposed to be meeting Nelly right now.”
His face fell, despair and desperation playing in his eyes.
“You know? You don’t love me anymore?”
My heart stuttered. “What? No. Of course I love you.” Blake was the most amazing boyfriend. He showered me with love like no one else ever had. He had to know how much I loved him too.
“Don’t go. Not tonight. Please, baby. I need you here. I need to make sure we’re okay.”
I glanced at the door, then back to Blake, the despondent look on his face haunting his features.
“Yeah, I’ll let Nelly know I can’t make it. We can stay in tonight. Let’s have that movie date.”
Purple bruises the size of his palm appeared on my biceps by the next morning. Luckily, it was February and I could easily cover them up. Otherwise, people might think I was in an abusive relationship or something.
* * *
Present Day
“Morning, Lydi-bug.”
“Good morning, Lydia.”
My dad and Sheila were sitting at the kitchen table, wide-awake and happy as can be, despite it being 7:30 in the morning.
“Morning.” I offered them both a tight smile and lumbered over to the coffee maker.
“What’s on your agenda for the day?” Dad asked.
“I don’t know. I’m working with Seb in a little while, but otherwise, I don’t really have much going on. Why?”
“No reason. Just checking in with you, that’s all. Did you see the note that I left about dinner?”
I came home after working at SD Ink all day to find a homemade plate of meatloaf and mashed potatoes waiting for me in the fridge. I appreciated it, but I hated to think that he thought he needed to take care of me. I could take care of myself.
“Yeah, Dad. Thanks. It was good,” I said.
“Don’t thank me. That was all Sheila’s doing.”
I turned around, the smell of coffee surrounding me as the single-serve machine whirled to life. Dad and Sheila were both sporting those goofy grins, the kind that tells everyone around them that they are completely smitten with each other.
“Thanks, Sheila. I appreciate it.”
“Of course, honey. It’s no bother.” Sheila stood from the table and dropped a quick kiss to my father’s cheek. “I better be off to the diner. See you in a bit.”
“Have a good day, hon,” my father said, his eyes watching her as she retreated from the kitchen to start her day.
My coffee finished brewing, so I doctored it up with some cream and sugar and took a seat at the table with him.
“How’s things been going for you? You liking the work that Sebestian is giving you?”
“It’s good, Dad. I’m good,” I told him for the millionth time. Every morning was like this. I knew he was just looking out for me, but his constant checking in made me feel like a kid again.
His eyes softened, and he reached over, patting my hand like he didn’t believe me.
Which was fair, because truthfully, I was far from good.
My senses were on overload constantly, giving me a headache in the front of my skull.
Every surprise noise had me on high alert.
Nightmares still plagued my sleep most nights.
But it was the voices in my head telling me that I didn’t know what I was doing, that it wasn’t as bad as I made it out to be, that without him I’d be nothing, that really got to me.
What if he was right?
“I’m going to the market later. Is there anything you need me to pick up for you? Do you have what you need for… feminine stuff?”
I closed my eyes and huffed in a large whiff of steaming coffee.
“Yeah, Dad. I’m all set.”
“I don’t mind, Lydia. I know you don’t have much to your name right now. Doesn’t bother me to buy any of that. It’s been a while since I’ve had to, I’ll give you that, but I can stock up on whatever you need.”
Christ, this was embarrassing. Rock bottom had officially just hit a new low—the moment when your father has to buy his twenty-eight-year-old daughter’s tampons.
And the worst part was, it actually would be kind of helpful to not have to spend any of my measly check on the necessities of being a woman.
The very little pride I had left wouldn’t allow me to sink to that level. “I already got paid from Seb. I’ve got it covered, Dad,” I said, harsher than I intended.
“Sure. Yeah. Okay.” His head fell, his eyes downcast. Guilt nagged at me. He was just trying to help, and I shut him down. What he didn’t understand was that him constantly offering to help me was feeding into all my insecurities and self-doubt.
I let out a controlled breath and swirled my coffee cup lightly. “I’m almost out of toothpaste though. If you’re going to the market, could you pick some up for me?”
“Sure thing. I’ve got it.” He smiled and got up from the table.
He rinsed his mug in the sink before putting it in the dishwasher.
On his way out of the kitchen, he called back to me, “Don’t forget to switch your laundry over, honey.
It’s been in the washing machine since yesterday. You don’t want it to get a smell.”
“Thanks, Dad.” My jaw clenched, my eyes rolling to the back of my head. But as soon as I was done with my coffee, I went and switched my laundry. At least now, I didn’t have to fight with my brothers about not doing their chores too.
* * *
The whitecaps created by the waves glistened in the shining sun.
I had taken to coming down to the old military fort by the ocean in the morning lately, right after I picked up another coffee from Flour Power Cafe.
It was better than sitting on the couch with my dad, always conscious to look and act a certain way to fend off any more questions, or worse…
pity. Plus, it was quiet here in the winter, peaceful.
The summers would bring legions of tourists, especially around the Fourth of July, but really from Memorial Day to Labor Day, it was jam-packed with people just passing through.
My phone buzzed for the sixth consecutive time. I didn’t bother to even look at it. I knew what it said.
Get home, Lydia.
I miss you, Lydia.
I’m so sorry. It’ll never happen again.
Bitch, answer your fucking phone.
I love you, baby. Please come home to me.
I could take a guess at what text number six was probably going to be. I didn’t need to see it.
Number seven and number eight came in right on top of each other. This shit was ruining my perfectly peaceful morning.
I’d told Blake weeks ago that I wasn’t coming back. It had happened again, after he promised me it wouldn’t. It wouldn’t be the last time, because it hadn’t been the last time yet. I wasn’t stupid, although I sure felt like it.
I didn’t think he believed me when I told him it was over. He did the crazy calling and texting thing for a while, but then it stopped. I wondered if he had found someone new already. But if he did, that seemed to have ended because he was blowing up my phone again.
A lone seagull walked across the parking lot, looking for discarded food, when a car pulled up a few spots down from me, scaring it away.
Text number nine vibrated in my cup holder, and I couldn’t take it anymore. I grabbed my phone, intent on blocking him, when I realized that two of the messages were part of a new group chat.
Maeve: Hey ladies! I added Lydia to the group. I’m dying for a girls night! Is everyone free on Friday night?
Scarlett: I am! And I need to get out of this house. Luke is acting like I’m nine months pregnant with triplets and can barely function. He’s cute though, so I let it slide.
My first reaction was to remove myself from the group.
I wasn’t exactly a girls’ girl, although I wasn’t a guys’ girl either.
I didn’t see myself having anything in common with my brothers’ wives and fiancées though.
My group tended to be… well, I couldn’t really remember the last time I’d had a group of friends to hang out with on a Friday night.
Blake and I would chill with his friends sometimes, but we stopped doing that a while back.
Long after I had already stopped hanging out with Lisha and Nelly and the crew.
It had been easier to distance myself from them at the time. They would have worried about me. And I would have told them they were ridiculous. I didn’t want to have to defend my relationship or explain the mystery bruises that popped up periodically.
After a while, they stopped calling me to hang out too. Invites to fun events dried up as we drifted apart.
Another text on the group chat came in while I was lost in thought.
Claire: I am so there! I can’t wait to tell you guys all about our honeymoon
Scarlett: All about it??? Are we getting a play-by-play? Do I need popcorn?
Maeve: I’m not sure Reid’s a ‘tell-all’ kind of guy…
Claire: I don’t mean the sexy time stuff… although seriously, married life is the best. 10/10 highly recommend. It just hits different.
These ladies had me smiling despite myself. I figured that had to count for something. Plus, my brothers wouldn’t appreciate me blowing off their lady friends.
Me: Hi. Sister here. Lalalalala. This is me sticking my fingers in my ears so I don’t have to hear about how anything *hits*
Maeve: Lydia’s here! Will you come to girls night on Friday? Not to pressure you, but PLEASSEEEEE?
Scarlett: Way to keep it cool, Maeve. LOL. You know, no pressure or anything.
What the hell, right? I wasn’t doing anything else except playing on my phone and watching the news with my dad. It wasn’t like my social calendar was exactly full.
Me: Yeah. I’ll be there.
I rolled my window down and threw the last of my muffin onto the asphalt before heading over to SD Ink for another fun-filled day working with the charming, charismatic Sebastian Devereux. Lone seagull would be back, and when she did, at least she would have something to eat.