Chapter 29
I’m not a stranger to guilt. I’ve felt an ocean’s worth of it since we lost Joel.
Twice that since Mami killed those boys and Papi offered himself up a few months later.
A thousand what-ifs are constantly swirling around in my brain.
What if I had been a better sister to Joel, made him feel at home in a house that always felt cold to him.
Reminded him that we could leave someday, even if Mami told us we couldn’t.
What if I’d told someone the truth about what Mami did.
What if I saw the signs—that she was the monster lurking in the woods outside the cabin—instead of just ignoring them.
I can’t change the past, but that doesn’t stop it from haunting me.
Sleep has never come easy, but it was basically impossible in the days after the police found me in the cabin, curled around Kai’s body.
It felt like both seconds and years had passed since Mami closed the door behind her. Since she left me to the wolves.
The cop didn’t believe my story at first, and I can’t blame him for that. A girl with my past surrounded by bloody bodies? The headline writes itself. And it did—our names dominated the news all over again.
With Kai and Kiki out cold, I was convinced there was no way anyone would believe me.
Mami would get exactly what she wanted. Just like she did last time.
All that first responder could do was rush to get me locked into a cell, as far away from more people to hurt as he could.
No one listened when I told them it wasn’t me.
No one even asked me for the truth—about what really happened.
They just wanted to know how I did it. How I’d managed to take down so many people all on my own.
How I got my hands on the axe. Whether I had something to do with those boys’ murders last year.
The only reason they listened was because I wouldn’t stop telling them. Over and over for hours repeating the exact same thing.
That I didn’t do it.
None of them believed me. Who would have? The girl covered in blood trying to blame two murders on a woman who supposedly wasn’t anywhere near the crime scene. I begged them to go to my house to see for themselves. Surely there’d be proof there. Something to point their attention toward Mami.
But it turns out all I needed was a witness.
The cops weren’t sure what to do with me after Kai woke up and gave his testimony.
He backed up my entire story, every detail matching up even though we hadn’t seen each other since that night.
Finally, they went to our house. They took Mikey away and asked him what he knew.
He broke down. Told them the truth—that he was afraid of what Mami would do if he came forward about what she’d done.
Another person proclaiming my innocence.
Mikey’s gone now. Somewhere far from this town with a family that was kind enough to open their home to him until things are settled.
Cops won’t tell me where, insisting that it’s protocol to keep us apart until after the trial.
Neither of us—me or Mami—will be allowed to see him until all of this is over.
Once they decide once and for all which one of us is telling the truth.
The guilt would be enough to crush someone who wasn’t already so used to carrying this much on their shoulders.
Worse than the feeling of dread—of knowing I could’ve tried to stop this before it got out of hand—is the relief.
That, deep down, no matter how hard I try to ignore it, a part of me is breathing easier knowing I don’t have to go home to Mami anymore.
I’d gladly spend years in a cell as long as it meant I didn’t have to smile in her face and act like nothing was wrong.
Every time I linger on that feeling I shy away as if just the thought of it burns.
Two more people are dead. Timothy and Carla are never coming back.
I’m still not sure what happened to Kiki.
With the cops refusing to declare me innocent, they’re keeping me at a juvenile detention center forty-five minutes away from Millcreek.
Doesn’t matter that two people have agreed that I didn’t do anything wrong except let Mami intimidate me into silence—they’ve decided I’m guilty until proven innocent.
I’ve seen flashes of Carla’s and Timothy’s parents on the TVs at the center.
Timothy’s mom in tears calling for our family to burn and Carla’s abuela staring blankly into the distance, too stunned to say anything at all.
It’s the most horrifying sense of déjà vu.
Except, this time, the spotlight isn’t on Papi. It’s on me.
The police have kept the full truth a secret.
Once it came out that Mami was arrested too, the coverage escalated to a whole new level.
Bigger even than Papi’s trial. The murderous Soto family—not just one monster, but three.
Part of me is glad that they didn’t let me go home, and that Mikey is far away from here.
They’ve even taken precautions to keep me apart from the rest of the kids at the center.
At least I can ride this out alone. Until I’ve proven my innocence and can finally put this nightmare behind me.
Today, though, I’m not alone.
Mary, the defense attorney assigned to my case, told me that my visit today would be completely monitored.
She’d be standing just a few feet away, listening to everything we say.
Making sure we don’t discuss details that could mess with the case.
But all those rules and stipulations went in one ear and out the other because none of it mattered.
All I cared about was getting to see him again.
It’s jarring, being on the other side of a familiar table.
There’s no plexiglass separating me from the other end of the room or rundown phones we’ll have to talk through, but the effect is the same.
My breath hitches as I’m guided by a fleet of guards to the seat opposite Kai, Mary lingering in the corner as promised, waiting to interject.
During all those visits with Papi, I never considered what it might be like to sit in his place.
I never thought I would be.
Looking him over, I realize all at once that the Kai I know might be gone.
I may never get to hear that laugh, see that smile, ever again.
My throat tightens as Mary goes over the rules yet again, warning us that we shouldn’t discuss details about what happened that night two weeks ago.
We both nod in agreement, but I’m not sure if either of us really listens.
Kai’s eyes stay fixed on mine the entire time—his face unchanged except for a half-healed bruise on his forehead and a cut through his lower lip.
No one would blame him if he never wanted to see me again. If he hadn’t invited me into his inner circle, Timothy and Carla would still be alive. He wouldn’t have to live with the trauma of knowing he accidentally stabbed his sister.
When Mary finishes her spiel and returns to her seat in the corner of the room, I half expect Kai to shout at me.
I’ve braced myself for him to finally turn his back on me like the rest of the world did, and now’s the perfect moment.
One last chance to yell at me for what I put him through.
What I put all of them through. To confess that he was wrong—that he was the only person who thought I wasn’t a monster, when I was all along. But he doesn’t say anything.
“I—”
Kai doesn’t let me finish that thought. He’s up and leaning across the table in the blink of an eye, and my heart races as I wonder if he’s going to attack me or push me away.
Instead, he’s pulling me closer. His arms wrapped around my shoulders, holding me tight against his chest. His nose buried in the crook of my neck, like he’s trying to inhale the scent of me.
“No touching!” Mary shouts, a new rule she’d apparently forgotten to mention. Kai doesn’t pull away when she warns us, though.
“You’re okay,” he whispers like he can’t believe it. His voice wavers, tears staining my neck as he grips me even tighter once I wrap my arms back around him. It’s the safest I’ve felt in a long time. No lurking shadows. No lingering eyes. Just us. Just him.
Mary warns us again and we finally break apart, not wanting to risk getting separated seconds after we were reunited. I sit on my hands to keep them from reaching across the table for him.
“You’re okay,” I echo once we’re sitting back down.
“How’re you feeling?” he whispers, his own hands twitching where they’re sitting in the middle of the table.
I fight back a humorless laugh, giving him a wry smile. “Shouldn’t I be asking you that?”
From what Mary’s told me, his injuries weren’t as severe as they’d seemed that night. A concussion that he’s past the worst of. A couple of bruises and sprains but nothing with lasting consequences. Unlike his sister, he made it through mostly unscathed.
“M’fine.” He shrugs and rubs along the back of his neck, the smooth, sharp lines of his fresh undercut now faded. “Mainly just been sitting around at home until I have the all clear to go back to school.”
“Is Kiki okay?” I ask quickly, wringing my fingers together to keep my nerves at bay. If anyone is going to be honest with me about how she’s really doing, it’ll be him.
“She will be,” he says with a tight smile, his eyes glazed and distant, as if he’s trying to fight back tears.
“It was pretty touch and go for the first few days, but she’s stable now.
Gonna need a shitload of physical therapy, and she probably won’t be able to stay on the cheerleading squad, which’ll piss her off. But stable.”