Chapter 11 #2
What was Xavier going to say? He’d been so definite about this thing between them being a sex-only arrangement.
But perhaps he’d actually be happy about it, a determined little voice in her head whispered. He’d told her that he’d wanted to have kids before Harriet had left him, after all.
She took some deep breaths and forced herself to calm down.
It could be a wonderful thing for both of them.
They were good together. They worked, both in and out of the bedroom.
He made her laugh and feel good about herself.
She seemed to bring out the best in him.
He’d even told her that a couple of times in the last few weeks – perhaps not in those words, but he’d certainly alluded to it. He enjoyed her company, and she his.
But could she really have a child with someone who didn’t love her?
Someone who didn’t love her as much as she loved him?
Because she knew, in that moment, without a doubt in her mind that there was no point denying it to herself any more.
She was in love with him.
Completely and utterly.
She let out a cynical, broken laugh. So much for being mature enough to deal with a sex-only arrangement. She’d been kidding herself this whole time.
She’d not wanted to admit it to herself before now because she’d been terrified that he didn’t feel the same – he was so guarded with his emotions it was difficult to know how he really felt sometimes.
But she knew what she really wanted.
She loved him and wanted them to raise this baby together. For them to stay married after the year was up.
But would he feel the same way?
Could he?
She got up from the floor and brushed herself down with trembling hands.
There was only one way to find out.
* * *
Soli was in the sitting room, anxiously biting her thumbnail, when she finally heard Xavier’s car pull into the driveway that evening.
Getting up from the sofa, she went to meet him in the hall on trembling legs. Her heart was racing so hard she felt light-headed.
The door opened and, almost in a dream, she watched Xavier stride inside.
Her stomach flipped right over when he flashed her the smile she loved so much.
‘Hi,’ he said, dumping his laptop case by the hall table. When he straightened up to look at her the smile fell from his face and was replaced with a concerned frown.
‘Are you okay? You look a bit pale. You’re not ill again, are you?’ He walked towards her and put his hand on her forehead. ‘You don’t feel hot.’
The compassion of this gesture gave her the confidence to blurt out what she needed to tell him.
‘I’m not ill, I’m pregnant.’
It seemed to take him a couple of seconds to process what she’d said, then, shockingly, he took a swift step away from her.
‘What?’ he said, his voice as hard as stone. ‘How? We’ve been using condoms.’ The expression in his eyes was wild as he stared at her in angry denial.
Her heart plummeted, provoking a fresh wave of nausea.
That was not the joyful reaction she’d been hoping for.
She swallowed hard, telling herself he was just in shock and to give him a minute to process it.
‘I did a test. It came out positive.’ She took it out of her back pocket to show him.
‘I think it might have been that night in Corsica.’ She dragged in a shaky breath.
‘Or maybe one of the condoms failed and my pill wasn’t working properly again after I’d been ill. ’
He shoved his hand roughly through his hair. ‘This wasn’t part of the deal, Soli,’ he bit out, his voice icy cold and the expression in his eyes so hard it made her shiver.
A feeling of pure dread flooded through her body.
‘I take it you want to keep the baby?’ he asked.
‘Of course I do,’ she gasped, horrified that he’d even think for one second that she’d consider not doing so. ‘But if you don’t want to be involved, I’ll find a way to look after it on my own,’ she shot back angrily, wounded by his harsh reaction.
‘The hell you will,’ he snapped.
‘What’s that supposed to mean?’
‘It means there’s no way I’m going to abandon my child. Or its mother.’
‘But you’ve been so sure about not wanting to stay married after the year’s up,’ she pointed out, unable to keep the hurt out of her voice.
He just shrugged. ‘We’ll work something out. I can speak to Russell and get him to make some amendments to the contract,’ he said, his stiff practicality sending little shocks of dismay through her.
‘You want us to continue having a contract?’ she said, appalled by the thought of it. Had it really come to this? Was he going to keep treating her – and now their child – like a commodity? Just as his parents had done to him?
‘Isn’t that what every mother wants?’ he said coolly. ‘To know that she and her child will never have money troubles again?’
His dispassion shocked her. She’d seen him flip into business mode before, but this was a step way beyond that.
‘No! That’s not what I want! I want a partner who loves me.
Who wants to be with me for me. Not because he feels he has to because we have a child together.
’ She wrapped her arms around her body, aware that she was shaking now.
‘We’ll only end up resenting each other.
It’ll be hell living in the same house and I can’t let my child grow up in that sort of toxic environment.
I can’t spend the rest of my life with you if you don’t love me back, Xavier. Because I love you!’
He wasn’t looking at her now, but down at the floor instead, with a muscle flicking in his jaw.
‘Do you love me?’ she whispered brokenly, her heart thumping painfully in her throat.
He didn’t answer her right away, but even before he opened his mouth to speak, she could tell what he was going to say from the tension in his body language.
‘I’m not sure I’m capable of loving anyone any more.’
The expression in his eyes was as hard as marble when he finally looked at her.
Grief squeezed her chest, stealing her breath away.
‘If you can’t love me, I can’t stay here with you any longer,’ she said, her voice barely making it past her lips. ‘I’ll make sure this child has all the love it needs and a happy life, but I’ll do it without you and your money.’
She went to sweep past him, but he put out a hand to stop her. ‘Soli, don’t be ridiculous—’
Her whole body was suddenly hot now. Burning with anger.
‘Don’t call me ridiculous! I’m sick of hearing that from you.
I know you think I’m just some na?ve idiot with money problems, but know this: I’m capable of being happier than you’ll ever be, because I let people into my heart and treat them with genuine respect – like an equal.
If you can’t get past that block you have, if you’re not willing to, then there’s no hope for you, Xavier McQueen.
No matter how many houses you own or how much money you have, you’ll never be happy if you can’t learn to let go and fall in love again, to trust and share your life with someone else.
With me!’ Her voice broke on the last word, but she fought back the tears, determined not to cry.
Letting out a loud, painful-sounding sigh, he sat down on the edge of the hall table and looked up at her with such cold resentment she felt a shiver run down her spine.
‘Where do we go from here?’ she whispered, panic rising in her chest.
He frowned and shook his head. ‘I don’t know, Soli. I just don’t know. I don’t think I can give you what you want.’
She saw his throat move as he swallowed but his gaze remained implacable.
After what felt like a lifetime of silence, where it became plain he wasn’t going to tell her what she needed to hear, she realised the only thing she could do now was get out of there, just so she could calm down and think straight again.
She needed to figure out what the hell she was going to do without him.
‘Okay. Well, it’s clear how you really feel about me.’ She coughed to ease the painful tension in her throat. ‘So I’m going to go home,’ she said shakily, willing herself to hold it together, just for a few more minutes.
He didn’t say anything as she turned and walked away. He didn’t follow her up to the room they’d shared so happily for the last few weeks, and he wasn’t at the front door when she let herself out with a small bag she’d packed.
In short, he made it crystal-clear that he wasn’t going to stop her from leaving.