Chapter 34 Rae
CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR
RAE
“Let’s talk, then,” the king concedes, as if he hasn’t just been chastised, gesturing at his guards. “You will require help.”
He most definitely will. Phaethon may be powerful, but his vessel—Jai, my Mars—isn’t superhuman. The lashing has left him bleeding and reeling. The worry barely lets me draw breath.
Still, he tries to stand up because Phaethon is an idiot. The result is that he slumps back down to the ground, his knees hitting the pavestones with a crack, hands slamming on the paving stones.
“No!” I struggle to escape Arkin’s grip and reach Jai. “Let me go!”
Arkin holds me back again when I start toward him. “Don’t draw any more attention to yourself,” he whispers. “We’ll follow quietly.”
The guards grab Jai and help him to his feet. It’s no use, though. He can barely stand and they end up dragging him out of the yard.
“Why should I trust you after what your friend did?” I pull away from Arkin, shooting him a glare. “Don’t touch me.”
“What my friend did? Are you talking about Tru? I have no idea what you mean, human lady.”
“Ask him, then, when you get a chance. Where is he anyway? Not shadowing you and Jai like always?”
He doesn’t reply, looking troubled.
Good, let him be troubled. I’m still reeling from the shock of almost dying, my hair still encrusted with salt and my leg burning with sea serpent poison, the stitches pulling.
Feeling Jai getting tortured just about finished me.
The guards carry him away, and the king follows with his own squadron of guards, silent and pensive.
I rush after them, not caring if Arkin follows.
Let the king be pensive. Let all of them think and worry and fear.
A great anger is rising in me. It’s all wrong.
I may not need revenge for Mars after all, but I’m furious on behalf of the world, especially my family, our people, and all that the king has put Mars through.
I’ll make him hurt.
That I promise.
“Are you all right?” Remi asks as I hurry through the palace, after Jai and the guards holding him up. “Last I knew, you were barely conscious, flying toward the palace after falling into the sea, and now you feel like you’re full of sorrow and anger.”
I am. Tell me something to distract me.
“A jester now, am I?”
Please, Remi. Tell me… Tell me, how does Phaethon call you down? This call that you said you felt in the courtyard earlier.
“It’s as if he knows and speaks my name inside my mind. As if he knows and speaks the name of every dragon. Even the Great Dara fly low when he calls. I’ve never seen them fly so low.”
And you?
“What about me?”
Tell me about yourself.
“You want to know how my day went? I’ve spent inordinate time fighting with seagulls. It has been entertaining.”
No, before… before now.
“Yesterday?”
Don’t poke fun at me! Just answer the question.
A silence greets me and oh Gods, I pushed too hard. I wasn’t nice and polite, and dragons set great stock by courtesy.
I’m sorry, I start, Remi, I’m—
“I’m a darakin,” he says. “What do you expect me to say? That I lead a secret and exciting life in the sky? Or on land? That I am a spy or a shapeshifter, shedding off my skin and diving into the sea or growing legs and wandering the cities? You are finnfolk. I am not.”
Fine. Don’t be angry with me. I only…
I slow my steps. I only what? Disappointment swamps me. I’d hoped… What had I really hoped for?
“What’s on your mind?” he asks.
You said that you don’t feel like you belong with your kind.
“Who does?” he thinks back and is gone.
The guards carry Jai, who is in fact currently Phaethon, through the palace, the guards and the king forming a procession after him.
I follow behind, part of a small, curious crowd, simmering in fury. I’m aware it disguises a great deal of fear, and it feels better than cowering in terror, so… fury it is.
I’m going to kill this king who toys with us like puppets, who moves us around on his game board like pawns. I’ll kill him even if it kills me.
I’ve wasted too long hesitating, ignoring my instincts and my mission, thinking I was following my heart.
My heart belongs to Jai. To Mars. But we can never be fully bonded, since I let the king put his cursed mark on me.
If I kill him, I die.
Shit, that’s how it is, isn’t it? A superficial bond, unlike the one between myself and Jai, forced by the mark on my arm. A bond nevertheless.
How will I kill him now?
I stagger. That was probably the plan all along, when Amphitrite sent me here. To die doing what I agreed to do.
The reasons I accepted the mission are all still valid. Take revenge for my family. Save humankind from the hands of a power-hungry king. Ensure that he never opens that gate and destroys another world, whether he originated from it or not.
The moment we enter the infirmary, Phaethon shoves the guards off him and sinks down on the edge of the bed. He shakes his head as the king enters. “Leave. I need to speak to Lady Rae.”
The king scowls. “You would speak with her but not with your liege and ally?”
“You’re not my liege,” Phaethon dismisses him. “Go.”
I cast him a sharp look. Can’t he see that the king could go too far and kill him in his wrath? That he’s not indestructible? And not to mention, getting on the king’s bad side won’t help anyone’s cause.
Phaethon seems to realize that and grudgingly says, “You are my ally. And I look forward to speaking with you. But…” He grunts. “You injured this body badly and it requires a healer.”
“Will you remain present while I do that?” the king insists. “Keep Jai locked inside?”
“You want to test me some more?” Phaethon’s patience seems to be reaching its end.
“You made a mistake. Breaking this body isn’t an option.
Entering another may not be possible, not to mention, there may not be any vessel strong enough to host me.
Now I need to rest, and having her here is restful for me. ”
“Why?” The king turns his glare on me. “Why her?”
“Because Jai loves her, has a bond with her, and doesn’t fight me as much when she is around.”
The king glowers. “Fine. I will send the healers. Stay here.” Turning on his heel, he marches out of the infirmary, his guards trailing behind him.
I blink. “What you said makes… little sense.”
Phaethon lifts a brow.
“Why wouldn’t Jai fight to come back to me when I’m around?” I stand in front of him. “I’d expected the opposite.”
“Because his body knows you’re here and that calms him down… unless he has something urgent to tell you. Or wants to fuck.”
Heat rushes to my face. “Phaethon…”
“Which I understand much better now. Fucking, kissing, touching… It’s pleasurable and it seems to make your bond stronger.”
“And you don’t mind that?”
“Of course I mind,” he says but doesn’t look angry and doesn’t say anything else for a while. His handsome, blood-spattered face is blank, giving me nothing to read. No emotion. No reaction.
“I heard you, you know. I heard you howling while he was whipped.” I swallow, my mouth dry. “Why do you howl inside his head? Why torment him like that?”
“It’s the only way to be let out. After a while, his mind shuts down and I can take over.”
“Isn’t there another way? Can’t you negotiate?”
“What, take shifts? Have a set timetable?”
“Yes!”
“Our needs don’t always follow a schedule, princess. And just as he uses blades to shut me up, I’ll use my kind’s weapon to regain control.”
“Eosphors. The lords of howling,” I whisper.
“Indeed.”
“You’re no longer flying in the sky. You can adapt.”
“Be human?” he scoffs.
“Be whatever you want. Talk to Jai.”
“That again? You think I haven’t tried?”
“That’s exactly what I think. You don’t talk. You howl at him. You are an angry man. Creature. Whatever. Why are you so angry?”
“Why not?” His lips peel back. “I’ve lost everything. Over and over. Lost my world, my goal, my people’s right to move freely. Lost wars. Lost my body and autonomy.”
I wince. “That’s bad. True.”
“Bad?” He sneers. “That word does my pain no justice.”
“Agreed. But that’s not Jai’s fault. Or this world’s fault. Control your anger and you will see—”
“By the Gods, what is a puny little human born a heartbeat ago going to teach me about pain?” he roars and I realize with a jolt that I much prefer seeing him angry than blank and emotionless. It’s a much more human state.
“I’m older than you think,” I say coolly, not because he’s wrong but because I’m worried I might start liking him. Feeling for him. This howling, selfish Eosphor inhabiting Jai’s mind. The one I’d tear out like a bad weed if I could, to give Jai back his sanity.
Who is Phaethon to speak of loss of autonomy when he’s the one leeching off Jai?
Then again, how did he get there? And who’s to say he isn’t as much a prisoner as Jai?
The door creaks open and he snarls, glancing past me, struggling to get up. “Who’s there?”
Turning around, I see familiar faces.
“It’s okay,” I tell him. “It’s just the healers.”
He sags back onto the bed, his face white and eyes stark.
And in that moment I feel more of my defenses crack. The tension in him, in his voice, the controlled panic, the history behind it…
“What is a puny little human born a heartbeat ago going to teach me about pain?”
Gods, my heart.
Don’t feel sorry for monsters, I tell myself. Don’t let him in. He’s thorny and jagged and will tear you apart.
But I can’t stop myself from stepping between him and the healers. As if he needs my protection.
They look apprehensive, pausing just inside the door. “Is he conscious?”
I nod. “Yes.”
“Right.” They exchange glances. Peer around me. “Oh, that looks bad.”
He growls and they flinch.
“Stop it,” I tell him.
Emboldened, they step closer. “You should step out,” they chorus after taking a look at his mangled back from afar, “and let us—”
“She stays,” he barks and they recoil.
They cast me pleading looks.
So I stay. Not for them. But for him. Even if the sight of his shredded back makes me want to throw up, even if the healers’ every touch on him sends bolts of pain through me. Jai didn’t want me to share the pain. Phaethon doesn’t care.
Or maybe he wants me to share his pain? And maybe I want that, too?
This is such a terrible idea.
First, I thought the king would show his true face because I convinced myself he was Mars and Mars couldn’t be such a bastard. And now I think Phaethon can be saved, that he can become human, when I should know that people don’t change.
People don’t change unless they want to change, unless they are capable of change, and Phaethon isn’t people.
He is the original Eosphor. Arrogant, cruel, intent on conquering the Nine Worlds.
So say the scriptures and legends. An intelligent being, now trapped and using every ruse at his disposal to get his way.
Through me.
Sometimes, though… sometimes all a person needs is a kind word and a helping hand. Right?
I’m in the process of pondering that thought when he grabs my fingers, a grimace distorting his handsome face. “Leli.”
“What is it?”
“Your touch makes his head quieter… and lessens the pain in this body.”
“How?”
“The bond between you.”
Fine, so he does need my touch for his own benefit—but how can I fault him for wanting to lessen the pain? Does Jai feel it? Am I doing it for both of them?
“The bond between Jai and me was never completed,” I whisper.
“Even incomplete, your bond is stronger than anything I’ve ever encountered in my long life, stronger than most official bonds between couples.” He jerks a little when one of the healers scoops out ointment from a jar and starts applying it to his back. “Your bond is fated. Innate. Meant to be.”
I give him a skeptical look. “Why are you so helpful and nice all of a sudden?”
“We fucked. Fucking—”
“Stop,” I say. Heat splashes my chest and neck when one of the healers lifts her brows at me. It’s none of their business who I’m fucking, I remind myself. It’s nobody’s business but mine. I lower my voice anyway. “Fucking can’t change a man or woman’s heart.”
“You are right. I told you, I respect you.”
“And the little fact that I’m against you opening gates for the fae king?”
“You are but a little human. What would you know about what is best?”
I huff a breath of laughter. “Of course you would say that. And in case you were interested to know, this isn’t a respectful attitude.”
“I respect some of your qualities. Not all.”
“Well, I don’t respect you at all.”
He frowns. “Oh?”
“You earn respect, as you well know. And you haven’t earned mine yet. Being an ancient being doesn’t automatically get you respect, Phaethon.”
“And what would?” he asks as another of the healers applies a poultice that stinks something terrible to one of the deeper welts on his back.
“You warmed to me because you say I’m courageous and saved Jai. I expect the same from you.”
“… to save Jai?”
“That is near the top of my list, yes. Also, to let him speak to me, be with me when we want to be together.”
“Because you dislike being with me.”
“No, that’s… that’s not why.”
He watches me with a glint in his dark eyes. “That’s it, then? That is what you want? For me to give you better access to Jai?”
“And to think of others before yourself. To think of all the people who are suffering at the fae king’s hands and how many more will suffer if you help him. Think of the humans and don’t laugh; cry. Weep for their plight and help them.”
“You ask too much,” he mutters. “My place is not in this world.”
“Your place is where your heart is. Find that place and you will not wish to leave ever again.”