Chapter 14
___
Bev
I’m probably the only person in the world who’s annoyed by having the best orgasm of my life last night. Yes, I’m grateful for it. I mean, how lucky am I? But I’m also worried it means I’m under Nate’s power again, under his spell, his sexy rock god spell.
Which means, I want to talk to him about something. It’s just that no time seems right. Every time I think about bringing it up during a pause in the conversation, my heart beats too wildly, and then we’re talking about something else or sitting comfortably in a silence I don’t want to break. I keep thinking, Now, I’ll say it. Now I’ll really say it. Now, I’ll really really say it.
But each time I chicken out.
I glance over at him. Now, I’ll really really really say it.
Nate strokes Cody under the chin. I can’t help but melt a little.
He catches my eye and holds my gaze for a split second.
I whip my attention back to the road. “What should we name him?” I ask quickly. It’s not exactly what I want to talk about, but it’s enough to change the topic away from any potential melting.
He scratches his nose with the back of his thumb. “We could name him…Black Sabbath?”
“Nope.”
“Anthrax?”
“I thought you were more folksy rock.”
“You listen to my music?”
“Only when I’m trying to lose faith in humanity.”
“Whatever. I know you’re a fan.”
I shrug. “I’m not.”
I try to act casual about it, but it’s essential he doesn’t think I’m a fan. Because if I’m honest, last night made me feel raw and stripped down and vulnerable and feeling way too good. Life shouldn’t be that good. It’s about responsibility and grocery lists, not feeling that good.
He flashes a flirty smile. “What about naming him Mint Chip?”
One of the ice creams from last night. The memories tumble back in cinematic detail. The squeaking bed at the motel room as he kisses me all over; his gray eyes blurry with pleasure; my battle to not fall into his trap; and then what do I do? Come like my life depends on it. “Doesn’t fit,” I say, my voice coming out choked.
“Moose!” he suddenly exclaims. “Like Moose Tracks!”
Cody tilts his head at this, and we both laugh.
“Moose it is,” I agree. It’s a funny name considering Moose looks so scrawny from neglect, but hopefully, we can get him healthier and able to resemble his namesake soon enough .
It’s a bit weird that we agreed on something so easily. But I can’t focus on the pleasant for long. Instead, I need to bring up my Important Thing to Talk About.
I grip the wheel. “Nate,” I say finally.
“Yeah.” His voice sounds like he knows something is up.
“Let’s not talk about what happened at the motel. Okay?”
“The motel AND the beach?”
I hate how he makes it sound triumphant, pointing out it happened multiple times. “And at the beach.”
“Okay.” He looks out the window, drumming his fingers on his leg. After a moment, he asks, “But why?”
“Because it’s none of their business.”
“But you make it sound like a secret.”
“It is a secret,” I emphasize.
“But why?”
“Because I like it that way.”
“Will you tell me why you won’t let me kiss you?”
I flip down the car’s sun visor a little too aggressively. “Are you bribing me? Like if I tell you about the kiss, then you won’t tell our secret?”
“I’m just asking.”
“It’s none,” and we both say at the same time, “of your business.”
“Exactly.” I agree, although I’m growing frustrated.
“But it’s definitely not a kink?” he asks. “Can you at least rule it out for certain?”
“Nate!” I decide he’ll never drop it, so I say the first thing that comes to mind. “Hey, intern.”
He groans. “Yes.”
“Can you email a few restaurants about hosting the fundraiser? ”
“Which restaurants?”
I rattle out a list, and he pulls out his phone, more eager than expected. He gets to work, and it’s nice to have the quiet back, a silence that doesn’t ask too many questions.
And I have to make sure we stay in this space: no questions, no connecting. Period. I made a promise to my dad after all—and I intend to keep it—or at least not break it again.
___
After an hour, we stop at a gas station because I forgot to fill up my water bottle this morning, and I’m thirsty. I’m in the water section looking for the cheapest bottle when Nate walks in, wearing his John Deere hat to disguise himself, and carrying Moose. I look over at the cashier to see if she’ll ask Nate to leave because of the dog, but she looks like she could care less.
Nate seems deep in thought, a crease between his eyebrows. I wonder if he’s going to bring up what happened between us when he says, “This song disrupted traditional—”
“What song?” I ask.
“The one playing.”
I listen, and a classic rock song plays over the speakers. I hadn’t really noticed it before to be honest.
He’s animated and tells me all about the history. “Also in 1969—” he continues .
“Nate,” I finally interrupt. “I really just want to buy a water.”
“Oh,” he says surprised. “Yeah.”
“I’m interested in the history of rhythmic and metric practices in Led Zeppelin,” I say. “It’s just we’ve been standing here for ten minutes.”
“Really?”
“Yeah.”
“Oh, okay.” He flashes me a smile. “I’ll get him settled in the car.” He adjusts Moose in his arms. “Then, I’ll go to the bathroom when you’re back, and you can watch him.”
I agree although I’m a bit worried Moose won’t be happy when he’s left with me.
Sure enough, when Nate leaves to use the bathroom, Moose stares in the direction Nate left with a profoundly wounded look in his eyes. And then the howling begins.
Out of all the things to happen on this trip, I never thought this would be one: Moose falling in love with the non-animal lover.
Thankfully, as soon as Nate returns, Moose relaxes again.
When it’s my turn to go to the bathroom, Aimi texts as I walk.
Aimi : How’s the road trip?
Me : Eventful.
Aimi : Did y’all make out?!
I must confess I consider denying it. But it is Aimi after all. My best friend. She won’t judge.
Me : How’d you know we hooked up?
Aimi : Please, I just know these things
Me : I’m not proud
Aimi : What happened?
I tell her about what happened at the beach .
Aimi : Did you get sand in there?
Me : Aimi! Not the first question I was expecting!
Aimi : I always wondered about that
Me : We were standing up!
Aimi : Are you dating now?
Me : Of course not
Three dots like she’s deleting and rewriting, deleting and rewriting. Finally…
Aimi : What about your first kiss? Have you forgiven him?
My first kiss in high school. With Nate. A kiss that probably fuels my obsession with his lips, those goddamn lips. A kiss I try to suppress any recollection of during every second of every day—and I’ve done it for so long that it started working. On some level I’d forgotten about it, on another level, how could I? Regardless, there’s something about seeing it written, so simple, so undeniable, that I nearly drop my phone.
Could I ever forgive him? I don’t know.
At the very least, it’s the worst time ever to conjure up these memories. Not when I have to sit in the car with him for another several hours and fight back any attempts at connection, so I won’t break any more promises to my dad.
Me : I better go. Call you when I get back!
On the walk back to the car, I work hard to bury her question about the kiss. But as soon as I bury that question, her other question springs up: Are you dating now?
For some reason, I never considered it as a possibility. I was too scared to consider it. And I definitely don’t want to consider it now. So why does it keep popping up, perky and prompt, like my morning bagel in the toaster? Gah !
When my phone dings again, I assume it’s Aimi again. So when I check and see the text is from Tommy, I’m surprised.
Tommy : How are ya? Thinking of you…
I don’t know what to reply, so I decide to put off responding until we get home. I’ll have thought of the best approach by then.
I spot Nate by the car, trying to get Moose to walk on the grass, but Moose isn’t interested. Moose only seems to want to be in Nate’s arms or at Nate’s feet.
Aimi’s question returns, boomeranging around my mind. Have you forgiven him—your first kiss?
I’ve lived with that particular grudge for so long, I don’t know how to let go of it. It’s entwined itself into me like ivy creeping up an old home. Perhaps, it’s even become a part of me. Did I think it was the only way to keep Nate in my life? To keep him—as a grudge? If I couldn’t have him, then I’d take his ghost?
I don’t know.
All I know is those lips. The flecks of green in his eye. The way he’ll talk about Led Zeppelin for ten goddamn minutes in the water aisle.
Have you forgiven him? Your first kiss?
It’s a question I can’t get out of my head.