Chapter 16 #2
yesterday. Thora was realizing she couldn’t always trust her own perceptions on this matter. She swore that she merely thought
of him as someone who butted into her family’s business, causing irreparable harm. But according to her neighbor Amethyst
and Mack, she was “weird” about Lee, “obsessed” even.
Perhaps the way her ears perked up when Cody was talking shit about him gave the impression she had an interest. In turn,
he downplayed Lee’s achievements rather than asking outright how she was feeling. But Cody considered asking about feelings
gauche and brutish.
Not being able to communicate effectively was a foundational piece of Thora’s entire family lore. She had always thought Cody,
a self-assured, fluent communicator, could bridge the gaps. Naivete or optimism prevented her from acknowledging how their
seemingly frictionless marriage was on the wrong track entirely.
It wasn’t entirely her fault, but she was wrong about Lee. As she cleared the table from breakfast, she looked at kitchen
renovations differently. They were still ugly and ahistorical, but they were a chapter in his origin story.
“I hope you don’t have photos of this kitchen on your website, though,” she teased.
Lee shook his head. “I had to learn somehow. The bathroom I’m proud of, but I definitely made a mess of things in the kitchen.”
“Speaking of messes,” Thora said, changing the conversational tack, “you and I have a mess to clean up. It’s going to crush
Cody when you tell him about what we did last night.”
“It’s not like I’m going to rush out to tell him.”
“He wasn’t afraid to ask you if we had kissed. He’s going to ask again. I know neither of us was thinking about Cody last
night, but what are you thinking about now?”
As was typical, Lee took his time considering Thora’s question. She sat back down at the table after refilling both of their
coffee cups, continuing to think aloud.
“I couldn’t manage to be loyal to Bryony Brooks as an employer and loyal to Cody as a husband at the same time. If you and
I were to try being in a relationship, how could you maintain loyalty to me and him at the same time? It doesn’t seem possible.”
“I don’t think loyalty is the right framework here.”
Thora couldn’t help it. She felt compelled to care for Bryony at the end of her life. That dedication made her neglect Cody.
In the end, she fell utterly out of love with him. Perhaps if she put real effort into nurturing their relationship rather
than letting it coast on what effort she’d put in during her college years, things might be different.
“Cody isn’t a bad guy. I’m not out to destroy his romantic life and his longest friendship.”
“We’re not destroying anything. We’re making something beautiful. Have some faith Cody will be able to see that and be happy
for us both.”
She knew now that Lee had a career drive much stronger than she’d been led to believe. That he wasn’t this stalwart lone wolf figure. Here he was talking about making something beautiful with her.
She wanted to see where it might go. She no longer wanted to send him away. But she needed clarity on how his brain ticked;
the two of them were still out of sync. She sat back down at the table with him.
“I can’t stop thinking about how you said you’re not interested in policing people’s behavior.”
“I’m not a cop.”
A glib take if ever there was one. “I think there’s a big difference between being a cop and letting people put you down,
or letting people walk into situations that are obviously harmful to them.”
“That’s what you thought I was doing when I winterized the Great Room and the kitchen for George?”
For someone usually so straight-shooting, he was so frustratingly obtuse sometimes. If she wanted to hand over any part of
her heart to this man, she needed to know he could provide the bare minimum sanity check every once in a while.
“I don’t think either of us can ever understand George. He was a part of my family, and at the same time outside of it. Outside
of society as a whole. I can understand some reasons why a person might separate themselves like that, but I suspect they
are rooted in something like trauma or fear. Something that can be healed.”
“George was the most fearless person I’ve ever met in my life. Although you’re giving him a run for his money, the way you
are undaunted by this spooky-ass house.”
She had to chuckle at that. “I think you idolized him, like he was living out some honest and rugged Walden fantasy. Maybe for a time he was, but like Thoreau, he still needed women to bring him food. I don’t begrudge him that. We could’ve cared for him. We could’ve had him around longer.”
“I don’t think we’re ever going to agree on this, Thora. I wanted to help George live on his own terms, and die on his own
terms. He was under no obligation to live longer just because you or I or anyone else wanted him around. He asked me for help
and I helped him.”
He was right about one thing. They never would agree on this. This was such a persistent pain point because he was the one
George asked for help. She hadn’t told George her plan beforehand because she wanted it to be frictionless for him. By the
time she signed the lease on the apartment, Lee’s work was underway. In the end, she never even offered George the room, knowing
there was no way to get him to leave Juniper once it was feasible for him to be there all year.
“You thought George was still alive these past few years. You were coming here to visit him. It must break your heart to know
you didn’t get to say a proper goodbye or do something else that might have helped him.”
Tears welled in Lee’s eyes. “Of course my heart is broken. I loved that man; it’s the honor of my life to learn I’m named
after something he created. But I can’t dwell on what is impossible to change. There’s no time machine. There are only the
lessons I take going forward. You talk about how your loyalty to your job made it impossible for you to be loyal to Cody.
I hadn’t been back here in a few years because of everything I was learning to get my own career started. We’re not so different
that way.”
Thora put her hand on his. It must’ve baffled George to realize he was spending more time alone because the people in his life took their work seriously.
George, aside from the book published against his will, made a career housesitting, earning barely enough to pay for food and gas, and relying on the family to keep Juniper up during his off-season.
Lee twined his fingers into hers, which set her blood at a simmer. It was remarkable, both how Lee’s character and her desire
for him were becoming clear.
She was tempted to dig into her memories, to see if Cody‘s suspicions had merit, to have an honest conversation with herself.
But Lee was right. There was no time machine; there was only now. And he said he wanted to make something beautiful with her.
Not at the expense of her writing though. She had been denying that goal of hers for too long, and there had to be some way
to achieve balance. Plenty of people managed great loves and great careers and family life with aplomb. Usually it took money.
Fortunately, money she had.
“I’m going to go to the Wood Room. Maybe I will actually get something done today. I trust you’ll be able to keep yourself
busy?”
Lee picked up her hand and kissed her knuckles again. “Am I invited into your bed tonight? Or does something freaky have to
happen first?”
“What if I invite you into my bed and something freaky happens?”
“I can’t wait. but is it okay if I take out the taxidermied birds? I can’t have them looking at me when I’m naked. I can’t
explain it. It’s too many eyes on me.”
“We can always shack up in the Bell Room.”
“Not the fucking Bell Room.”
She liked teasing him like this. She liked being comfortable enough with him, not only to take his clothes off, but to push some buttons, too. Being annoying was one of her foremost qualities, after all.
“Can we keep the quail lamp?”
“Fine. The quail stays. Everything else with feathers has got to go.”
“Thank you for breakfast.”
“My pleasure.”
For such a bland nicety, he imbued it with intense sincerity. She left the kitchen holding onto those words like glowing embers.
Her pleasure was his pleasure. That idea was wildly appealing, a spiral staircase into heaven, a sexy little ouroboros. She
was buzzing when she sat down to write.
She had only been in the Wood Room for a few minutes before she heard Lee’s scream.
She opened the door to find Lee in the hallway, slamming the Bird Room door shut.
“What’s wrong?” she asked.
His eyes were wild with fear. Her knees gave a wobble before she could steel herself properly.
Lee stepped aside, and she opened the door to the Bird Room.
It was exactly as she remembered leaving it. There was a chair in the middle of the room and half a dozen brass candlesticks
on the bedside table, all with candles burned down to the base from last night. The bedding was a mess, and there were condom
wrappers still on the floor. The room was warm, redolent of sex. She closed the door again and looked at Lee.
“Look again,” he said.
Was it finally his turn to see something that wasn’t there? Between the cliff diver and the hallway candle, she wouldn’t mind. She opened the door and looked around the room again.
This time she saw it.
On the mantel, the quail lamp sat in its temporary home. Next to it, the piercing eyes of a barn owl glinted in the light.
The owl, not at all her taxidermied friend Barney, swiveled its head to look straight at her.