Chapter 17 #2
“And you never really loved him, Thora. You admired him, and he loved your admiration, and you two were too young and clueless to know the difference.”
Thora’s heart dropped to the floor. Moments ago, she’d been revering Mack’s talents. She could hardly deny how admiration
played into her concept of love. The pedestal she’d put Bryony on made it impossible to see her clearly, and it made her commands
sound like they were coming from on high.
She didn’t want to put Lee on a pedestal. She wanted to look him right in the eyes.
Mack continued, “You probably thought being married might be your chance into a functional family, and good luck, Lottie.
Might as well wish for a pet unicorn. Meanwhile, he thought being married would give him some status that he was looking for,
like going to that fancy school of yours.”
Thora had to laugh. The way Mack could cut her down to size deserved nothing less. “He was a scholarship student, like me.”
“He hid it better.”
“I never tried to hide it,” Thora said. “That I knew. I came to that school fat and uncouth, with all these girls trying to
make themselves as small as possible at all times. I never had the option of fitting in.”
“And even with Cody’s looks and charm, he was never going to bag one of those rich girls. He needed another scholarship student,
and at least you came with a legacy.”
“You think he married me because the crumbling remains of a once supposedly great family gave him access to a vintage Jeep
Wagoneer, a rotting camp in the Adirondacks, and musty old tennis sweaters cast off from our great-grandfather?”
“Don’t forget the raccoon fur coat from Great-Granddad.”
Cody did wear the raccoon fur coat to their small New England college’s annual canoe regatta on the lake on campus. Thora
made sure everyone knew about his particular brand of vintage campus style in “Talk of the Townsend.”
“I don’t think a raccoon fur coat is a reason to marry someone.”
“Neither do I,” Mack agreed. “I think you gassed him up for four years of college and that seemed like a lifestyle he would
like to continue.”
Mack wasn’t wrong. How could Thora not fall in love with Cody? He was a handsome genius, beloved by everyone.
But they weren’t in college anymore. Real life was the rudest awakening.
Cody was no longer playing to the audience of his fellow college students.
Grad school was serious work, done without fanfare or adulation.
Both of them believed it would pay off, because Cody would be the kind of paleontologist who would be the obvious choice for a talking head on nature documentaries.
He’d be invited to give talks all around the world.
He’d write bestselling books about whatever amazing discoveries he’d be making.
His path was well-marked, with signposts aplenty and guides every step of the way.
And for Thora? She wanted to write. Her college gossip column was popular enough, but she didn’t capitalize on what opportunities
she might have in her undergrad years. Had she tried to intern with some magazines or websites that would have appreciated
her distinct voice and storytelling flair, she might have been able to parlay that into a job in New York. As it was, she
spent her summers in the Adirondacks, hanging out with Mack and Uncle George. Serving ice cream at Conehenge and mocking summer
people with her coworkers. Enjoying life. Not working hard. Meanwhile, Cody was off at a different field school every summer,
coming back with bronzed skin and a prized fossil for Thora.
She thought of the shelf of fossils in the Morningside Heights apartment. That shelf of pretty, dead things.
She didn’t even like fossils. Cody liked fossils.
She never asked for fossils, nor did she want them.
She wanted stories from his digs; she wanted the gossip, the dirt.
That’s what she collected. But Cody always kept his nose to the grindstone.
Despite all the advantages he had, his humble roots kept him on the defensive.
He believed he needed a spotless reputation to get where he wanted to go.
So he never engaged in gossip or drama. Being married was essential to his aura of stability and professionalism.
Now Thora was seeing how she was less a partner than an imagined asset.
Thora thought more about the difference between admiration and love. Maybe she had never known what love was at all.
“Isn’t admiration a part of love?”
“I guess. But it’s not the key. Love is in the wanting. I want Jade to be near me, I want to do nice things for her, I want
to know what she thinks about all day. I could go on, but it’ll get dirty soon.”
“I get it.”
If Mack was right, Thora had never been in love with Cody after all. Hell, if love was in the wanting, she had more of that
feeling for Lee. But that was likely lust. The way she wanted him on her, inside her. That wasn’t love. She had finally realized what she’d been missing in sex and was a little drunk on it.
Right now Lee was probably taking his truck down to Woodhill, giddy at the thought of making his first professional historic
home restoration a reality. Thora was curious to know what his plans were, how he and Mack had conferred to create a vision
for Woodhill House. But that was because she was excited for the future of this house. Not because she wanted to know what
was going on in Lee’s mind, right?
That was a big fat lie she couldn’t make herself believe. She was in trouble. Lee had said he wanted to make something beautiful
with her, and she didn’t know what that might mean, or how it might blow up his life. Yet she wanted it all the same.
“What if I’m falling in love with Lee?”
“Then my boy Leroy gets to live out the Little Ladies alternative ending where Jo and Laurie end up together.”
“Very funny.”
“I’m being honest. It’s great. You two are super into each other. It’s extremely obvious.”
“Counterpoint. If a situation comes up where he has to choose between me and Cody, I want him to feel like he can pick Cody.
It doesn’t feel right to override that relationship.”
“Please tell me what such a situation would look like. You and Lee are tied to train tracks and he only has time to save one
of you? Bryony Brooks altered your brain chemistry, for sure.”
Mack was right, of course. Her and Cody’s lives were not especially intertwined despite having been married. They were the
kind of Venn diagram in which the circles only made glancing contact.
“Okay, I can’t immediately think of a scenario. But that doesn’t mean one won’t come up. He and I would have been able to
free the owl, you know. We weren’t useless bitches.”
“Would have taken you all day, and he was due down at the house. My way was faster.”
“You probably made an owl enemy, though.”
“Oh, that owl loves me, are you kidding? I freed it!”
She was lucky to have a cousin like Mack, who would set her straight and make her laugh while digging through garbage for
treasure. They did it in the landfill at Juniper as kids, and here they were doing it again in a high school gym.
When they got back to Juniper, Thora was surprised to find the kitchen door locked. She and Lee were not in the habit of locking
the door these past few days. It was possible it got locked by accident during the owl hubbub.
She reached under her shirt collar for the key on the chain, only to find it missing. She had it on the previous night when
Lee sketched her portrait. It must have slipped off her head at some point during later . . . activities.
She’d say she was surprised it had never happened before, except she and Cody barely had sex, let alone jewelry-flinging sex.
Mack had been right about the wanting. She had never deeply wanted Cody, nor did he seem to want her.
She ran around the house toward the stairs up to the porch, and thankfully Mack hadn’t left yet.
“Everything okay?” Mack hollered out the car window.
“Kitchen door was locked. My key’s inside.”
“Huh,” Mack said.
Thora dashed up the stairs to find the porch door locked as well. By this time, Mack was out of the car and halfway up the
stairs.
“Do you have the key?”
“Down at the house. Not with me. What about the key to the basement doors?”
The old unused garage doors of the basement were secured with a thoroughly rusted padlock.
“That key is in the desk in the Wood Room.”
“Well shit. It’s probably about time for Lee to leave anyway. I can drive to where I can get cell reception and make sure
he takes the key with him. You can come with me?”
“I’ll stay here. It’s not that cold, and I’ll be fine on the porch.”
“You sure?”
“I’m sure.”
Mack gave her an assessing stare.
“I’m sure. Everything is fine. This isn’t even half as weird as some of the shit that’s been going on here this week. Juniper
is happy to have me back, and it’s putting on a show. I don’t think she meant to keep me out.”
Mack nodded and got back in her car.
Once her car was out of sight, Thora sat on one of the swinging benches on the porch. The air had that chill smell, like the first snow of the season was going to come at any minute. Probably already had in the High Peaks.
She was enjoying the view, as she had countless times before, until a bird landed on a bough directly in her line of sight.
It was a barn owl.