19. Jackson
19
jackson
The guys are playing cards inside the RV when I step outside to get some air. We’re parked at a campsite with a couple of chairs positioned near a small fire pit that isn’t lit. It would be way too fucking hot to sit by a fire right now. Taking a seat on the white plastic, I stare up at the sky. At school, I felt caged. I felt like everything was an inconvenience, getting in the way of what I wanted to do. But out here, in the middle of nowhere, I’m free. It’s a type of calm I never had at USF.
The only thing missing is her.
I reach for my phone and contemplate calling Margot when I see she texted me a couple of hours ago.
Margot:
Just thinking about you.
The words tug at something deep, and a cross between a smile and a frown pulls at my lips. She’s sent me those same four words a few times now, and they’re becoming my favorite message. She usually sends them when one of us has had an extra busy day and we haven’t had time to talk.
It’s just past midnight, and I want to hear her voice more than anything. I want to know how her day was and what she did. She has classes tomorrow, though. And with the way she packed her schedule, they start early.
My thumb hovers over her name, but I know I shouldn’t call. I know she’s already asleep, and the last thing I want is for her to be tired tomorrow because I kept her up. I’ve learned that one the hard way. It took me way too long to get back in her good graces after playing guitar before her first day of classes, and the last thing I want is for us to move backward.
“Hey.”
I look up to find Mya ducking her head out of the back door. “Hey.”
“Mind if I join you?”
I shake my head and gesture to the chair next to me. Disappointment washes over me. It has nothing to do with Mya. She’s . . . nice. But even though I knew I wouldn’t have called Margot, Mya’s presence is another fleeting window of opportunity snatched away.
She must catch onto what I’m feeling because she cocks an eyebrow as she slowly takes a seat. “Did I interrupt something?”
I shake my head and turn my phone over in my lap. I’ll text Margot in the morning.
“If you say so.” She offers a shrug and plops into the plastic chair next to me before crossing her legs underneath her. That’s when I notice the burning joint in her hand. She follows my gaze and then meets my stare again. “Want some?” she asks with an outstretched hand.
I’ve smoked more these past few days than I have in my entire life, but it helps to make the long hours on the road less boring. “Sure.” I take it from her, and she grins in response. Bringing the joint to my lips, I take a hit before handing it back to her. “Thanks.”
“Don’t thank me.” She lets out a huff as she reaches across the space between us and retrieves the joint. “I stole it from Brian.”
My laugh comes out as a cough. “That’s what you call your uncle? Brian?”
She arches an eyebrow as she deeply inhales. “Technically, he and I are coworkers now,” she says, her voice squeaky from holding the smoke in her lungs.
“Right.” Without thinking, I turn over my phone to check for anything from Margot. I don’t know why I do it. She’s the last one who texted me, and I still haven’t answered. It’s just a compulsive tick at this point.
The gesture doesn’t go unnoticed. Mya gives me a sideways glance. “Expecting to hear from someone?”
I shake my head. “Doubt it. I think she’s asleep.”
She nods slowly. “On tour with a girlfriend back home?” A hint of a smile pulls at her lips. “You’re brave.”
“Yeah.” I reach for the joint again. “Brave or stupid.”
She laughs and it’s a light, airy sound. “For your sake, let’s hope it’s brave.”
“What about you?” I nod in her direction. “Got a boyfriend?” A slow, knowing smile pulls at her lips, so I add, “Or girlfriend?”
She reaches for another smoke, and I pass it back to her. “Have had both. Currently have neither.”
I lean back to look up at the stars. “Smart.”
She takes another hit and follows my gaze. “Or a coward.”
My head rolls to the side, and I know I’m starting to feel my high because I laugh. “You don’t strike me as a coward.”
“You, my friend, are too kind.” Another puff of smoke enters and leaves her lips before she hands the joint back to me and says, “So, tell me about this girlfriend. Do you love her?”
I cough mid hit, and she bursts into laughter.
“Oh my god, you do,” she says through her relentless laughter. “You love her so much. ”
“I . . .” My voice strains, and I cough again. “I don’t know.”
She snatches what’s left of the joint from my fingertips with more force than before. “Liar.”
I gape at her. “Hey, I wasn’t done with that.”
She holds it out of reach like I’m a little kid begging for a toy. “Not so fast. Friends don’t lie.”
“You’re serious?”
Her eyes widen. “Do I look like I’m joking?” She leans her head back and does a slow pull on the joint like she’s taunting me. “Everything about you screams lovesick, you know.”
What the hell makes this girl think she has me pegged so easily? I’ve known her for all of what? Eight hours? I cross my arms. “Enlighten me.”
She turns to face me in her chair. “Well, for one, you keep to yourself. You play your guitar. You come out here to . . . what? Stare at the stars?” She shakes her head. “And you didn’t give me a second glance.” She shrugs. “I knew you were either lovesick or heartbroken. I just didn’t know which.”
I force a laugh. “Maybe you’re just not my type.”
Rolling her eyes, she quips, “I’m everyone’s type.” Giving me a sideways glance, she adds, “If they’re single.” She tilts her head, considering her last words. “And sometimes if they’re not.”
I’m not sure I believe her. Even if I wasn’t with Margot, I don’t think I’d be interested. “Well, you don’t lack confidence.”
“I don’t,” she says with a determined shake of her head. “And neither should you. If you love your girlfriend, you should own it.”
“Jesus.” I rub a hand down my face. “Fine. I—” I trip on the words, my heart hammering in my chest as if I were saying it to Margot herself. Taking a sharp breath, I manage to get out, “I might love her.” The words are out, and a flash of pure panic runs over me, turning my blood to ice. I’ve never told anyone I love Margot out loud. I have a feeling Matt and Rae know—hell, I have a feeling Margot knows. But just having the words leave my lips to this random ass girl, still leaves me feeling like my shields are cracked. Like someone knows my biggest weakness.
But Margot isn’t a weakness. If anything, she’s a strength.
“Might?” Mya’s voice cuts through my spiraling thoughts.
My hands grip the plastic armrests, and as much as I want to stop my knee from bouncing, it has a mind of its own. Is she serious? My deepest confession wasn’t good enough?
When I don’t say anything, she rolls her eyes. “Words matter. You write lyrics, you should know that.”
I scoff. “I suck at writing lyrics.”
She sighs, leaning her head back against the plastic chair so she can gaze at the night sky. “Maybe you’d be better at it if you were honest about your feelings.”
What game does she think she’s playing? I just offered her something I’ve never told anyone. The anxiety I felt moments ago warms to a simmering annoyance, and I mutter. “I love her.”
“What?” She holds her hand to her ear, leaning a little closer. “I missed that.”
My hands grip the chair tightly enough to turn my knuckles white. “I said,” I say through gritted teeth, making sure to raise my voice. “I love her.”
Mya grins. “Yeah, obviously. Nice to see you finally catch up.” Leaning over, she pats me on the knee. “See, look.” Mya hums happily and she gently sets the joint back in my hands. “Our friendship is already doing wonders for you.”
“Yeah,” I say, unconvinced. I pinch my lips around the joint, sucking in like it will somehow tether me back to solid ground.
“Is there a reason you haven’t told her yet?”
“What? ”
“Well, I’m assuming by the complete freak-out you just had, you haven’t told her yet. So, why?”
The joint still rests at my lips as I let out a breath of laughter. This girl is something else. “I’ve never said that to anyone, and now that I’m here”—I gesture to whatever the hell is around us—“I’d rather tell her in person.”
“That’s fair.”
I cock an eyebrow. “Yeah? You’re not going to give me more shit for that?”
The corner of her mouth lifts, and she tucks a strand of pink hair behind her ear. “I don’t think anyone would give you shit for that.”
I guess she’s right, but I feel like shit for not telling Margot before I left. It’s not like I didn’t know then. I think I was overwhelmed with the band going on tour and spending every waking moment with her.
“I’ll tell her next time I see her,” I finally say with a nod.
Mya punches the air, like she somehow made this happen—and I guess she did. I smile and hand the joint back to her. “To new friendships.”
Taking it from me, she winks. “And to love.”