58. Margot
58
margot
Life is starting to flow into a new routine. I’ve done all the post-breakup things, too. Rae and I have watched every romantic comedy movie we can think of, I cut my hair to a more medium length with layers, and even though I haven’t gotten a tattoo yet, I have a Pinterest board full of ideas. Jackson and I broke up six weeks ago, and every day gets a little bit easier. It might only be that I think about him a few seconds less or it takes me a shorter amount of time to stop crying, but still.
Easier.
Easier to breathe. Easier to think. Easier to rediscover a feeling that resembles happiness.
Outside of him.
Outside of us.
Outside of everything I thought dictated my happiness for a long time.
Sometimes the hardest things to do are the things you do for your own good. But it’s worth it. At least, it will be worth it. That’s what I keep telling myself. That eventually, it will be worth it. One day, I’ll be on the other side of this, and I’ll look back and know I made the smarter choice.
Hopefully.
I’m sitting with Rae in the living room while she makes final packing plans for her trip with Matt to his parents’ house. My phone lights up on the counter a few feet away, and I somehow know it’s Jackson before checking. He’s been sending me texts every few days, and each time the progress I’ve built crumbles. Rae looks up from her checklist. “Is it him again?”
I step over to my phone and lightly tap the screen without picking it up—like the more distance I can keep between myself and whatever lies on the other side, the better. Sure enough, Jackson’s name stares back at me in bold letters with a new message from him on the lock screen.
I nod as I slowly reach for the phone, my eyes already burning. It doesn’t matter what the text says, I cry every time.
Rae lets out a sigh. “Why don’t you come with us? I hate the thought of leaving you here alone.”
“I’ll be fine,” I say, determined to keep my voice strong. I’ve gotten pretty good at fighting off my emotions lately, but she still sees through my mask. With shaky fingers, I unlock my phone and read the latest text.
Jackson:
I just found out Marty’s real name is Martellus, and I feel like that explains so much.
The vice around my heart squeezes as I choke back a laugh. It comes out sounding more like a sob, and Rae puts her pen down. “What did he say?”
“Nothing.” I wipe away a fallen tear. “Really, nothing. It’s stupid.” I let out another laugh before putting my phone face down on the counter with a shake of my head. Sometimes his texts are sweet. Sometimes he tells me he’s still mine. But sometimes they’re like this, and these are the ones that hit me the hardest. The texts that give me a glimpse of his day. The ones that show me what our conversations might be like if we were still together.
“You know Matt’s parents would love to have you.”
“I know, but—” My words cut off when Matt and Braden walk in through the front door. Quickly taking a steadying breath, I say, “I’ll be fine.” Then I turn to the fridge and work on pouring myself a glass of homemade lemonade to keep myself busy.
I appreciate her extending the invitation, but Jackson won’t want to go see his parents. So that leaves Matt’s parents’ house as his best option. The last thing he needs is to walk in and see his ex-girlfriend sitting on the couch. It would be awkward, and I have no right to take his safe haven from him.
She frowns, trying to read what I’m not saying. “Do you still think he’ll come here?”
I take a sip of my drink and set my glass down on the counter. The guys are talking about something unrelated, so I keep my voice low and say, “I don’t know.” It’s the truth. I don’t think Jackson will come here, but a small part of me is terrified he might. “If he does come, his flight is supposed to get in around dinner.” It hurts to talk about the plans we had before everything fell apart. Between the text and this conversation, my hands grip the edge of the countertop tightly enough to turn my knuckles white.
Her eyes dart to Matt before locking back on me. In an equally low voice, she says, “I hate that we won’t be here.” She pauses, her lips twisting. “In case you need us.”
“I won’t.”
She holds my stare, but I know she doesn’t believe me. “I tried talking Matt into staying, but Grandma Lois really wants to go to the town’s tree lighting ceremony, and she wants the whole family there. ”
I smile at the lighter memory. “Can’t keep Grandma Lois waiting.”
Rae laughs. “No, we can’t.” Before I can say anything, she perks up, her eyes jumping to Braden. “Hey, your parents live around here, right?”
He stops his conversation with Matt. “Yeah. Why?”
“So, you’re not going out of town?”
“Rae.” I try to interject, but she doesn’t even look at me.
He pulls a grape from our fruit bowl. “Nope. What’s up?”
Rae’s eyes flicker in my direction, and I widen my own. She ignores me again and looks back at Braden. “Do you think you can get Margot out of the apartment for a few hours tonight?”
“Rae!” My eyes jump to Braden. “No. You don’t have to do?—”
“Yeah. I can do that.” He tosses the grape in the air and catches it in his mouth. His bright blue eyes have a spark in them as they fall on me. “What do you want to do?”
“Nothing!” I try to hide the panic in my voice, but based on the lift of his lips, I think he heard it. Standing up a little straighter, I say with full conviction. “I’m actually really busy with work, so I probably shouldn’t go out tonight.”
Braden’s eyes narrow playfully at me before he looks at Rae. “She’s lying, isn’t she?”
Rae happily nods, selling me out with no remorse. “Yes. Please take her somewhere.”
He nods. “I can do that.”
I gape at them, but they both look perfectly pleased with this outcome. Turning to Matt, I look at him with wide eyes for a last-ditch effort, but he looks like he couldn’t care less. He’s pulled Rae’s list away from her and is checking it himself.
With a shake of my head, I let out a sigh. “You two are ridiculous.”
Braden shrugs. “What good is it if we’re both sitting in our apartments bored? We’ll be a couple of friends, hitting the town. Nothing wrong with that.”
My fight or flight instincts relax a bit at the sound of the word friends. He’s right. We are friends. We can hang out somewhere other than our apartments and still be friends. “Fine.” Letting out a sigh, I try to sound a bit friendlier when I look at him and add, “That would be great.” Then I take a sip from my drink and shoot Rae a quick glare when Braden isn’t looking.
She gives me an apologetic grin, but she doesn’t look like she’s sorry. She looks like she’ll be able to enjoy a tree lighting ceremony without feeling guilty now—which to her, is at least one good thing about me being forced to hang out with Braden. Not that Braden is bad company. It’s just that everything about hanging out with him one-on-one feels . . . wrong.
Considering it hasn’t even happened yet, that’s probably unfair.
I’m sure it will be fine. I’ll spend some time with Braden to avoid being a riddled mess, watching the clock. Jackson won’t come here because we aren’t together, and by tomorrow, I’ll be able to breathe a little easier again.
This day can’t go by fast enough.