Chapter Seventeen. Riley #2
“Dad, come on,” I said sheepishly. Workers were starting to arrive, and if I hadn’t already been red and sweaty, it would have been obvious I was flushed with embarrassment.
“Riley, I can’t not document this. It’s stunning. And I’m sure it tastes even better. Go to the end of the table, come on.” I walked to the end and posed with the food, and he started snapping pictures. “Nick, get in there. Give us shocked, but in a good way. Awestruck. Let’s go.”
Nick joined me and wrapped me in a hug. Just as I was about to step away, he pulled me in and kissed the crown of my head. “You did good, Riley. I—I know there’s more out there than buns and lobster meat. You did great.”
“Thanks, Dad,” I whispered. I turned and wrapped him in a giant hug.
Suddenly I heard a crash from behind us. We both turned quickly, and I gasped, seeing the platter of prosciutto-and-melon skewers on the ground. “What the fuck is this?” Liv asked, standing over it. “What happened to our cookout?”
“Did you seriously just dump my tray?” I blurted out. “What is wrong with you?”
I stared at Liv, shocked. She looked horrible.
The clothes she wore were dirty, and her hair was matted and greasy.
Her skin was gray and covered in scratches, and she’d lost a ton of weight.
And her eyes … they were so dark. They looked crazy.
I waited for a spark of recognition, for her to let me in on the joke, on what she was doing, but nothing came.
Anthony walked around the table. “Liv?” he said gently. He walked up to her like she might bolt. “Your sister made this amazing dinner for us all. We’re really proud of her. But why don’t you come inside with me?”
Suddenly, when I saw the look on Anthony’s face, I was scared. I grabbed Nick’s arm. “Dad?” I said, my voice shaking slightly.
Anthony tried to touch Liv and she slapped his hand away.
“Don’t look at me like that!” She turned to me.
“This looks like shit. Trust me, Riles, you don’t have what it takes for a real restaurant.
You’re such a fucking Girl Scout. You think you’re better than me?
You’re shit. You should have grilled fucking burgers. ”
Without warning Nick grabbed my sister and bodily carried her away as she hit him and writhed. “Don’t you ever talk to your sister like that,” he said sharply.
Anthony turned to me and took me by the shoulders. Tears streamed down my cheeks, and I couldn’t stop shaking. “Dad. What … I don’t…” I couldn’t get a word out.
“Sweetie, what is she on? Do you know what she’s been using?” I didn’t say anything. I was reeling, and I couldn’t wrap my head around Liv, my Liv, saying those things to me. “Riley, your sister didn’t mean what she said. But you need to tell me if you know what she’s using.”
“I—I think coke? I don’t know.”
“Was it a powder? Or a needle? And how long has she been using?”
“A powder. And she’s been drinking a lot.” I wiped snot that was dripping from my nose. “She said not to tell you and that it wasn’t a big deal. She didn’t look like that.”
“I know, sweetie, I know.” Anthony pulled me into him and held me.
Then he leaned down to whisper in my ear.
“You did such a great job with this night. I’m going to run home and deal with Liv.
Then either Nick or me will come back here.
But the staff and their families are arriving right now.
I need you to go in the shack bathroom, wash your face, take a deep breath, and then come back out here and host. Okay? ”
I tried to take a breath and it got caught in a sob. I tried again. “Okay,” I whispered.
“Good. Now run in, and I’ll tell everyone you’ll be right back.”
I turned and ran into the shack without looking back at anyone and locked myself in the bathroom.
And then I sat on the toilet and hunched over my knees and broke into heaving sobs.
What had just happened? Liv looked nothing like herself.
And the things she said were so mean. She knew how big a deal this was to me.
And how stupid I’d felt in the kitchen when everyone else did a line and I said no and they all laughed like I was a loser.
Like I didn’t belong in the place I most wanted to be part of.
She always knew exactly what to say to cut me down, but the thing was that she’d never done it before. I didn’t even recognize her.
I pinched my leg, trying to stop myself from crying.
I needed to get back out there. This was our family business, and I needed to hold down the fort.
I splashed cold water on myself with trembling hands, then put my face under the hot hand dryer.
Just go back out there. Go back out there and host. Don’t think, just host.
I felt like this couldn’t be real. That couldn’t be Liv. But I was sure my dads would have fixed it by the time I got home after the cookout. I just needed to do this one thing, keep the You’re My Lobster cookout running smoothly.
I unlocked the door and went back outside.
People were sitting at the tables, and I noticed with gratification that several people were snapping pictures of the food.
I watched the fry cook pop three sliders in a row and moan in satisfaction.
As I went from table to table greeting people, they showered me with compliments about the food.
But all I could hear was Liv’s words in the back of my head.
By the time my dads came back, the fireworks had started. “Where’s Liv?” I asked immediately. I was shocked they would have left her like that. But maybe she was asleep. “Do you want me to go stay with her?”
“Liv went back to Boston,” Anthony said quietly. His eyes were glossy when they met mine.
“What? Dad, you can’t let her go back like that.”
“She left, sweetie. We couldn’t make her stay.”
“What do you mean? Of course you need to make her stay! I didn’t even get to talk to her!” I turned toward the house, but the lights were all off. “Something could happen to her!”
“We couldn’t lock her up, Riley. I tried. She called the police on us.” Nick didn’t look away from the fireworks.
“What?”
“She called the station. Tommy said we had to let her go. She’s an adult. Unless we can get emergency guardianship and send her somewhere, we have to let her go.”
“She called the police?”
Nick finally looked at me, and I saw that he was crying. Cold fear settled into my stomach. “She did. I never should have let her go work in a kitchen. I know what they’re like! I have addiction in my family. I know better.”
“This is my fault,” I whispered.
Anthony pulled me to him in the sand. “No, no, no, it’s not your fault. None of this is your fault. Dad and I will go to the city tomorrow and we’ll find her. We’ll fix this.”
It was nearing the end of the fireworks, and they sent up twenty or so at once to make one giant mess of explosions and colors. I watched it with tears streaming down my cheeks. That was always Liv’s favorite part.
When I finish telling Luna what happened, it feels like a mass exodus of emotion.
I’ve never told anyone about that night.
I tried to block it out, and my dads never mentioned it again.
When Liv did her apology tour as part of NA, she didn’t mention that night, and I still don’t know if it’s because she doesn’t remember what she said to me or if it was because it was too painful to bring up.
I wish I had asked. I wish I’d told her that I forgive her, for everything.
For anything. Even when I’m mad, I forgive her.
“Riley, I’m so sorry,” Luna says quietly. As I talked, she’d sat up so she could look at me, and although I’m still lying against the pillows, I feel too drained to sit up. “That sounds so hard.”
“I—Yeah,” I agree. I should be crying, but I replay this night in my head so often that my voice was dull and monotonous—albeit halting—when I explained to Luna what had happened.
But now my words are desperate and cracking.
“I hate it so much because I still feel angry! I feel angry that she took those final years from us. I can’t believe my sister is dead and I still can’t let this go.
I should only remember the good days. There were so many more good days than bad. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”
“Riley, there’s nothing wrong with you,” Luna says gently. She rubs my arm slowly, calming me. “It was traumatic. Of course you remember it. It’s okay for it to hurt.”
“I feel like I’m a bad person,” I admit.
“If I were a better sister, this wouldn’t be the memory that plays when I’m trying to fall asleep.
I’d remember swimming five feet away from seals even though we were terrified there were sharks.
Grounding the boat at low tide and having to wait hours for the tide to come back in.
The first time we cooked together. There’s so much more. ”
“Then tell me. Tell me everything.”
And I do. I stay up with Luna for hours, and I let it pour out.
All the nights Liv and I spent on Commercial Street, sneaking into raunchy drag shows and parties.
The bike rides through the dunes listening to “Can’t Catch Me Now” on repeat.
The perfectly round bright white sand dollar Liv found at the tip of the Cape when we’d taken the boat to Long Point and swum to shore, after she’d been sober a month.
We called it her Provincetown NA chip. And it is such a relief to share these memories with Luna, so that I’m not the only one holding them.
When I look into her brown eyes as I talk, as I laugh with her, and let her cry with me, I feel understood.