Chapter Nineteen. Riley
Chapter Nineteen
Riley
After a long week of shows, we had a travel day and then an off day, and now we’re in Germany for two shows in Hamburg.
I feel so exhausted from all the travel and cooking that I can’t imagine how Luna is handling it, since she’s performing for hours each night.
I’ve been making her protein-heavy meals to help her recover from the shows, and during this busy week Ashley requested I make a full meal for postshow rather than a snack.
Luna’s on complete vocal rest before the shows, so I have to wait all day to hear her voice, slightly hoarse after singing for three hours, coming out of my tinny phone speakers as I play her voice memos.
“I love knowing you listened from the beginning,” Luna says softly in the voice memo.
I lie back in bed to listen to it, because I can see it’s seven minutes long.
I want to be present, not brushing my teeth or packing my bag while I listen.
“Everyone now is saying that I’m this overnight success, which is kind of true, but also it’s after seven years of trying to make it.
It only feels overnight to the people who hadn’t heard of me until Hudson.
“I still remember the first time I played at Centennial Park in Nashville. My mom, Ashley, and I had hung signs up all over town and posted it online. But there was no one there. At least, no one who actually was there for me. When I went up to the front of the pavilion with my guitar, my heart was pounding so hard, and my hands were so sweaty that I messed up the first chords of ‘Can’t Catch Me Now.’ I could play that song in my sleep! ”
I know every word to that song. Liv and I used to let it blare on the Bluetooth speaker she’d clip to her bike, and we’d listen as we raced through the dunes in Provincetown. I shut my eyes for a moment and I can almost hear Luna’s voice.
You said you couldn’t risk it—
Standing outside my window, lips kiss-bitten and those blue eyes
They were moonlit
Falling in love with me would undo you
All the things a kiss from me could do
Yet you couldn’t just be my friend
No, no, no
You left my heart mangled
Spun me out until I hung on my one tattered string
Because you were never my friend
And so you let me run after you again, and again
And oh, baby, the things I would do for revenge
“My mom and I had left behind everything to be here,” Luna continues. “Every friend I had had become a series of unanswered texts and declined calls. My mom and I were sleeping on Ashley’s pullout couch. My dad wouldn’t pay child support. And oh my god, when I sang the last line?”
Luna sings the last verse lightly.
“You came running back one summer later
With crystals you swore were diamonds
But I just made it official
But this
It’s just that
I promise, baby
I let you run my well dry
And I made damn sure
You knew I was the one true love of your life
I put on your diamonds
That I always knew were just rocks
And I disappeared
I let your calls ring, the texts go read, not a word
Because you fight in battles
But me, I won the war
You can’t catch me now
But maybe one day you’ll hear me on the radio”
“I cringed, oh my god. I hadn’t been on the radio yet!
And I could hear my voice shake, like where was the girl who belted out the national anthem at every home football game?
These teenage girls just looked so cool—they had ripped jeans, which the label didn’t want me wearing, and were like a little pack—they were taking videos of me and I knew it was to make fun of me. ”
Suddenly I realize I’ve seen this video.
It circulated on socials after “You and Me” got huge, and Luna looks heartbreakingly young in it.
She’s tentative, nothing like the Luna I know her to be.
In fact, in the rendition in the park, “Can’t Catch Me Now” sounded like a different song.
Instead of the snappy, almost angry pop-folk melody I knew it as, it was a bleating cry of a song.
Still beautiful, but totally different. Hearing about this moment firsthand from Luna while I lie in bed suddenly feels stunningly intimate.
“I wanted to cry,” Luna continued. “I could feel the tears and that awful feeling in my nose. You know, almost, like, spicy? But anyway, I didn’t.
I buckled up, and I sang the next song. And so now when everyone says I’m an overnight superstar or whatever it’s, like …
it feels like it erases those years of fighting.
And I want credit for every second, because that’s when it was me and my mom against the world.
And this all didn’t start until she was gone.
” I wish this were a phone call, so I could say something.
But I just listen. “But I like thinking that you know, you know? You know there was so much before this.”
The message ends, and I want to save it.
But I let it disappear, like all the others.
I don’t have a lot of time; I’m going to have to rush to meet my runner at the market by five.
But I need to say something. “Luna, that sounds so hard. I think if I were in your shoes, I would have crumbled under the pressure, especially as a teenager. You’re amazing.
And I understand what you mean. It’s not the same, but coming here and cooking for you is the first time I’ve really done something new.
Like, something that Liv wouldn’t have expected.
Doing it without her, it feels like leaving her behind.
Even though I know she’d be thrilled for me.
But it still feels…” I hesitate. I’m not used to talking about Liv in a vulnerable way.
With my dads, it’s always the elephant in the room that none of us know how to talk about her still.
“It’s hard. But if it helps, I promise I won’t forget all the years that came first for you.
You can tell me the stories about your mom, and I’ll remember with you. I’m here.”
I end the message, knowing Luna won’t open it for at least three hours, then rush to wash my face and get ready.
I want to ask her if this means something to her too.
It feels like something more, and as our conversations get more intimate, I’m dying to know if she sees me as a new friend or if she also falls asleep thinking about what it would be like to kiss.
As I cook for her every day, I fantasize about getting to be the person she runs offstage to and running my fingers through her hair and pulling her onto my lap in those tall sexy bedazzled boots and running my hand along her leg and—
Shit. I need to stop thinking about this.
I know I could just ask if it means anything that we talk to each other all day long.
But I’m afraid she’ll deny it, even when I know she’s lying in bed at night sending me voice memos that lay her heart bare.
Instead I try to make her food that is so mind-blowing, I’m sure she’ll be thinking about me too.
And the longer we go on like this, the more hopeful I am that it must mean something.
I had an off day to set up my mobile kitchen in the Volksparkstadion, so all I have to do this morning is shop for fresh ingredients.
At 5 AM I meet my local runner, a young German man, outside the hotel, and he drives us to the neighborhood that hosts the fresh market today.
I’m still trying to incorporate local flavors into the meals I cook for Luna, while also always providing some of her tried-and-true favorites.
For today and tomorrow I buy a pork shoulder, Baltic salmon, sausage meat, chicken, and an array of veggies and fruits.
We take everything back to the kitchen I set up, and I get to work.
Making four meals instead of three requires a bit more planning, but I enjoy the challenge.
I set up my camera, then start by making Luna a Dutch baby, which is a bowl-like German pancake with fresh fruit.
I put Greek yogurt with a homemade fruit puree on the side for protein, and make Luna an iced latte.
When I bring it to her dressing room, Ashley takes it from me, and then I disappear back to my kitchen.
It feels weird knowing Luna and I are hiding from Ashley how much we’re talking, because in the stories Luna tells me, it’s clear Ashley is like family to her.
Every time I make eye contact with Ashley, I try to act natural, but I can’t escape the feeling that she can see right through me and that if she had her way, she’d send me packing to eliminate problems for Luna.
But it’s worth it to continue whatever is happening between us.
When I return to the kitchen I set up my phone on my tripod to film the process as I create the rub for the boneless pork shoulder I bought, since it’ll have to sit at room temperature for an hour before cooking for almost two.
While that sits, I can prep the veggies I plan on serving with it, and while it cooks, I’ll prepare the sausages and sauerkraut for tomorrow.
I’ve been making Luna a slightly heavier lunch to give her energy for the show later, followed by a light dinner of different preparations of salmon and veggies so she doesn’t feel weighed down or nauseous onstage, and then a fun protein for postshow.
Today I’ll pan-fry fresh homemade schnitzel.
I’m definitely starting to get the hang of doing this, and breakfast and lunch are by far my favorite meals to make because I can get a bit more creative with them.
For everything I cook for Luna, I focus on making it without too much excess oil but with a lot of flavor.
I want her to be able to try the local cuisine while eating healthy enough that she feels amazing onstage.
I love cooking for her, but I wish I could see her enjoying the food too.
There’s something about serving people their food and watching their eyes light up while they eat it, knowing that your food provided a memory and created a beautiful moment for them.