Chapter Thirty-Two. Luna #2
Riley exhales and I can hear her pain in the harsh breath.
“I wasn’t supposed to work as a chef or in kitchens, like I told you.
But I did anyway. I staged—which is basically auditioning for a night—at this fancy restaurant in Boston, and if it went well, I was going to do that for the summer and tell my dads I wasn’t doing their plan.
Liv was going to help me. I had it all figured out.
But apparently the kitchen manager at the restaurant knew her because she used to work in the city and Boston is a small town in some ways, and he texted her that he was going to offer the position to me.
So she drove to Boston to tell me and celebrate and got hit by some drunk-driving asshole who was driving back to Wellfleet after a boozy dinner.
Like, how fucked is that? She got sober, just to get hit by a drunk fucking driver.
It’s my fault. She wouldn’t have been driving that night if it weren’t for me.
I was supposed to be the easy one, but I tried to have it all and it ruined everything.
” Her voice cracks on the word. “I don’t want you to lose anything.
I want to be there for you and help you in the perfect way to make this all not hurt and I can’t figure out how to.
I should have just lied and said I didn’t like you and then you’d still be with Hudson and everything would be easier for you.
I need to be the one who keeps everything together.
And I don’t know how I’m ever going to tell my dads I’m going to cook.
Honestly, it may be harder to do that than to just leave cooking as a hobby. ”
Suddenly the pieces are clicking into place, and Riley makes more sense to me. I understand what the holdup is with pursuing her dreams, why she’s so focused on being there for others but won’t do the same for herself. I hate that she’s been carrying this pain alone.
“Riley … let me be the one who’s here to catch you.
It’s not selfish to follow your dreams. You deserve to!
You didn’t do anything wrong. And you’re not responsible for me or your dads or your sister.
I’m so sorry about Liv. But everyone makes their own choices, and you don’t need to sacrifice what you need for everyone else.
The people who love you don’t even want you to. ”
“If I had just gone home for the summer, Liv wouldn’t have been driving to me.
I should have been there, because I knew she needed me!
I let Liv down, and now I can’t let my dads down.
I can’t let you down. I think I should just leave.
If you’re not with me, you won’t have any of these problems.” Riley is crying so hard.
I want to take this pain from her so badly.
But I understand that when you lose someone, it’s like a piece of your heart has died with them, and no one can take the pain away.
“If I had just gone home like I was supposed to, it never would have happened. I could have gone home, and I didn’t. And for what? To cook?”
I wrap Riley in my arms and pull her to me. “It’s okay, it’s okay,” I murmur into her hair. “It was not your fault.” I want to say so much more. I want to tell her that I’m sure Liv would want her to chase her dreams instead of letting this stop her in her tracks.
Once she’s calmed down, I start talking softly.
“Riley, I love you, okay? This has all been hard, but I’ll get through it.
Just because Liv was in an accident while you were chasing your dreams, it doesn’t mean chasing your dreams is bad or to blame.
It was a tragedy. But it was really, truly not your fault. ”
Riley exhales hard. “That’s easier to say than to believe.”
“I bet your dads would say the same thing.”
She nods. “They probably would. But it’s felt like if I make one misstep, everything could crumble again. Like, genuinely, that I was being punished for being selfish when I should have just been grateful for the people I love.”
“Why did you come on tour?” I ask suddenly. Because it doesn’t make sense, given everything I now know.
“I almost didn’t,” Riley admits. “I auditioned because I so badly still wanted to do things like this. And I told myself I wouldn’t get it anyway so it didn’t matter.
But I really wanted it. And my dads went along with it because Liv and I were fans of your music and they think it’s just a hiatus before getting back to the plan. ”
I hate that this has made her dream smaller. I want to give Riley everything she’s ever dreamed of. But I don’t want to push too hard right now.
“I understand,” I say instead. “And I’m so glad you told me all this instead of just leaving. I don’t ever want you to leave. We can always talk about things.”
Riley leans into me, nodding, and I hold her there until she falls asleep.
But I just sit there, wide awake. Because a song is fighting to get from my brain to my hands.
Once I’m sure that Riley is asleep, I carefully extract myself from the couch, arrange pillows behind her where I was, and cover her with a blanket.
And then I quietly walk to my soundproofed home studio and shut the door.
I never usually write songs from other people’s perspectives like this. All of my music is feelings forward and deeply personal. But this song just came to me and I need to get it out. Something about Riley’s raw emotions, hearing about the situation, it’s just utterly heartbreaking and striking.
I left you there
To chase my dreams
While you stayed home to try to not drink
With everyone we’d ever known
And only the darkest thoughts to think
Just wait one day
I’m almost there
I swear, I swear, I’m coming,
But the same demons we watched you slay
Couldn’t stay away
And now I’m in suspended animation
My dreams shattered with yours
Tainted by guilt
And haunted by the memories
And the plans we had for all those years
How could you just disappear?
I’ll give it all up
To keep you as more than a dream
To stop it
To stop you
I swear, I swear, there’s not one thing
I wouldn’t do
But you couldn’t hold on another day
And now I’m in suspended animation
I continue to write and sing and tweak and record, and this feels rare. I don’t usually have a song come to me like this, so fully formed. But by the time I’m done, I’ve been in the studio for three hours and I think I may have made something really special.
I text Ashley and Charles a voice memo of it, then go back into the living room and climb onto the couch with Riley.
“Where did you go?” she murmurs, still half asleep.
“Just writing,” I say quietly. “Would it—would you ever want me to write a song about Liv?”
“It hurts too much,” Riley says with a wrinkle of her nose.
Panic jolts through me. “What?” I whisper. “So no?”
But she’s already asleep again. I lie there, staring at the ceiling, as my phone lights up with texts from Ashley and Charles.
Ashley: This is something really special. Is this about your mom???
Charles: You’ve really hit something here, Luna
And I think I may have just made a horrible mistake.