Chapter Thirty-Six. Luna
Chapter Thirty-Six
Luna
After Riley leaves, I stay in my apartment for days. I get food delivered and lie in bed and stare at the ceiling and think about everything that led to this point. To choosing my career over protecting the feelings of the woman I love. To knowing that my mom would be so disappointed in me.
I think it started the moment I decided work was going to be what got me through my mom’s death.
I said Riley’s been in suspended animation, but maybe I have been too.
I’ve just been working and working and dating people who I don’t have any real connection with so I never have to deal with my feelings.
I sacrificed my artistic integrity to make pop songs to try to win an award instead of writing the music I’ve always loved.
Even the past few weeks, when I’ve been trying to put my life first sometimes like I know I want to, I’ve been at war with myself because I’m so used to being totally focused on work.
If I’m going to be someone my mom would be proud of—be a version of myself that I’m proud of—I need to make some changes.
Riley is obviously who I owe the biggest apology to. But I’m going to start with the easier conversations and work my way up to her. I pull out my phone and call Hudson, fully expecting it to go straight to voicemail since I can barely get him to answer a text. But to my surprise, he picks up.
“I thought you screened my calls,” I say.
“Hello to you too.”
I take a breath. “I’m sorry. I told you there was no other guy, but there was someone else.
And I should have been more careful; that was our agreement.
” Even if things were over with us by then, if they’d been over for a long time, I still wasn’t honest with him.
I should have broken up with him the moment it was over, and definitely as soon as I met Riley and started to feel that something.
He may have used me for his career, but I used him right back and it wasn’t cool.
The pause is long enough that I can tell he’s surprised. “And I’m even more sorry about the articles. I should’ve been more careful too.”
“Thanks,” I say quietly.
“Really sorry,” he says softly. “It wasn’t cool. I … There’s no real excuse.”
“It’s—I understand,” I say simply.
“Will you come play with me tonight?”
“It’s already tonight,” I say, surprised. “Shouldn’t you already be onstage?”
“I should be, but I’m on the phone with you.”
I want to tell him no way. The last thing I want to do is go onstage right now. I haven’t sung or danced in days, I look like a zombie, and the weight of what I did to Riley is still hanging on me.
“Come on, let’s put the past in the past,” Hudson says. “Let’s do our jobs and give everyone a show so we can at least have a fighting chance at our first Grammy.”
“I don’t want to pretend anymore,” I say quietly. I want to do this for him, to make amends. But I can’t move backward. “I’m trying to be more honest.”
“You don’t have to pretend. They’ll be happy just to hear you sing.”
When I walk onstage at MetLife, the crowd positively explodes.
Instead of one of my typical tour outfits, I wear a romantic ball gown I’d been saving for a special occasion, and I know I look amazing in it.
The crowd has more men than mine ever do, but everyone is clearly still very excited to see us here together.
“Everyone, please give a warm welcome to the lovely Luna Leya,” Hudson says into the mic, then steps back from it to clap for me.
When he comes onstage with me at my shows, I typically play the guitar and he just sings, but now he’s the one who will be playing.
Despite not being together, we’re still sharing a mic like always, and as I’m standing up there, looking out at tens of thousands of people, I wonder for the first time if I should have talked to Riley about this before agreeing to do it, or at least given her a heads-up.
She might see this on social media before I can tell her about it.
But I’m performing now. So I push that from my mind.
“Now, you all know that even though I may still be the man in Luna’s life, I’m not her special someone.”
I lean over to his mic. “You’re still special to me, Hud. You just don’t get to kiss me.”
He laughs, and I’m relieved to hear that it sounds genuine.
It’ll be good for everyone to see us burying the hatchet like this.
It’ll make it seem real, instead of stiff and corporate like the statements we’ve each made online.
“I always knew you were out of my league.” He strums the first chord of our song on his guitar.
“But you and me … it was good for a while, wasn’t it? ”
I nod and start to sing, and it’s different from when we were dating, but our chemistry is almost better now because we can be more playful with it now that we’re being honest. We’re showing our connection and respect for each other rather than pretending to have the sexual chemistry that we never did, and it’s fun.
It reminds me of when we wrote the song.
We lean into the same mic, looking into each other’s eyes, and at the end, Hudson wraps me in a hug and keeps an arm around my waist as we wave goodbye to the crowd.
He has to keep performing, so a PA takes me back to his greenroom to change into regular clothes, and when they shut the door and I’m standing in the quiet dressing room, deciding whether to go out and watch or just leave, I wish I had been honest with Riley about the song.
I can see now that it was so fucked of me to just put it out like that, to justify it like that.
It was her story, and even if I wrote about it, it didn’t mean I had to use it like that, like it was just another stepping stone to the awards scene.
I should have played it for her, asked her what she thought, made it something we did together.
And put it away if she wanted to keep it private.
I can already see what it’ll be like in a few months if I win the Grammy.
I’ll be happy for the night, and then I’ll go home alone and have to sit there in my silent apartment until I feel like I’m losing my mind and might burn it all down.
Getting everything I wanted felt like kissing Riley for the first time. Not this.
The next day, I move on to Ashley. I ask her to come over to my apartment, and when we’re sitting on the couch, I take a deep breath and turn to her.
“I need to reprioritize. Since my mom died, I’ve been completely focused on my career.
I told you that’s what I wanted, and you helped me build and grow and I’ve reached most of the career goals I’ve dreamed about.
I still want to be really focused on my career.
Just not at the expense of my life. It’s just as important to me that I’m happy and that I have people I love in my life and that I’m treating them with respect.
I want to be able to weigh everything together so I’m not sacrificing one area of my life for the other. ”
I wait with bated breath for Ashley’s response. She tilts her head, nodding thoughtfully. “I understand,” she says finally.
“Really?” I blurt out, surprised.
“Luna, of course. I’ve known you since you were a little girl.
I really thought that this was what you wanted, to go full steam ahead for a few years at the expense of everything else.
But we’re a team, and I want you to be happy too.
Truthfully, I wouldn’t mind a break too!
I haven’t gone on vacation in like three years. ”
I smile in disbelief. “Are you serious right now? Book a flight! Let me book you a flight—you can be in the Bahamas tomorrow.”
“After tour, after tour,” Ashley demurs. “But, Luna, I’m here to support you and help you reach your goals. I promised your mom before she passed that I would always be here to guide you, and I will be, no matter where you decide you’re going.”
“Thank you,” I whisper. “I think I know where I need to go next.”