Chapter 15 #2
It was nearly nine pm before I returned to the farm. I was so nervous on the drive home that I had to keep both hands on the wheel to steady my shaking. I had no idea what to say to her. What was too much? What was too little? I hadn’t decided by the time I pulled into the driveway.
It was pitch black outside, and the air was cool and crisp. The familiar night sounds were few and far between. The seasons were changing, much like my life was, like Julianna’s life was.
I’d pulled up to a dark house. Only the TV illuminated the living room through the window.
I opened the back door gingerly, thinking she might be asleep.
Lakey didn’t rush to greet me as usual. I found them both in the living room, Lakey asleep on her dog bed on the floor, and Julianna curled up on the couch, eyes closed.
I looked down at her form. She was serene and achingly beautiful.
“Hey.” Her eyes opened, and she peered up at me.
I froze.
She wasn’t smiling, but she wasn’t frowning either.
“Hey,” I said back .
She moved to sit up a little, and I didn’t miss the wince she gave as she scooted. I wanted to take all that pain away from her.
“I…I waited for you for a while and was going to text, but I didn’t want to disturb you,” she said. Her eyes flashed toward the TV and the wall, anything to keep from looking me in the face.
“I didn’t mean to worry you.”
“Who were you out with?”
I stared at her, puzzled. I tried hard to read her expression in the dim lighting, but I only saw what I didn’t want to.
Sadness.
Apprehension.
Part of me should have been elated that she cared who I was and wasn’t with.
Instead, it reminded me how much I’d kept from her and how badly I’d failed her.
She wasn’t confident in what she meant to me.
She didn’t know the extent of my desire for her, the secrets I kept inside about her for an absurd amount of time.
She didn’t understand that I lived to drown in her over and over.
I took a step forward. I was tired of fearing what wrongs I might do to her. Even if the most dreadful circumstances had brought her back into my sphere, I couldn’t run away from how happy and peaceful I felt when she was near me, so close I could touch her.
And she was my wife.
My wife.
Fuck it.
I leaned over her and brought my face down until I could smell the sweetness of her breath and feel the heat radiating off her soft body. Her eyes widened, but she wiped the shock away and let her gaze concentrate on me fully in the dimness—a perfect, unaffected mask .
“You didn’t answer my question,” she whispered.
“Melanie,” I whispered back.
My eyes flitted between her lips and eyes, drawn to her like a moth to a flame.
“Oh.” Her gaze drilled into me. “Melanie, the sister? Or a girlfriend with the same name? If it was, you could tell me, you know. I can handle your preferences.”
My heart skipped a beat. “My preferences?”
She squirmed and averted her gaze. Uncomfortable feelings stirred in the tiny space between us.
“Yeah. I mean, if you have a girlfriend, she’s probably petite, blonde, skinny—all the things you liked when we were young.
She probably loves the outdoors as much as you.
Maybe even goes fishing with you on the weekends.
She shops at outfitter stores, for sure.
She can probably make a delicious deer roast. She raises free-range chickens.
She drinks beers with you in the evenings… ” She still wouldn’t look at me.
“That’s my girlfriend?” I chuckled softly.
My smile quickly fell away as I watched tears pool in the corners of her eyes.
“Hey.” I soothed, reaching over with my free hand and gently cradling it against her flushed face. I used my thumb to smooth over her cheek in a loving stroke, infusing everything I had into my touch. She didn’t pull away. “Why are you so worried, sweets?”
She considered me for a moment before replying. “I don’t want you to lie to me,” she whispered. The first tear fell, and I caught it with my thumb, wiping it into her skin.
“I haven’t lied to you,” I replied as softly as possible, framing her heart-shaped face with my hand.
“I would never lie to you, especially about another woman. I went to dinner with Melanie, my sister. I told you I am unattached, and I am. And as for my preferences…” Adrenaline pumped through my body as I slid my hand down her jaw to her neck, letting my fi ngers rest on her collarbone peeking through the top of her distressed T-shirt.
I let my rough fingertips slip over her soft skin.
I felt her shiver, yet her body gave off heat unlike anything I’d ever felt.
There would be no one else after I had her.
“You’re my preference,” I whispered. Her breathing stopped.
Giving pleasure through words and touches turned me on the most. But this gesture of want, this tiny admission of my true desires, gave me more satisfaction than I’d ever had in any previous encounter with another person. Unmatched.
Julianna East wasn’t just any woman. I leaned into her fully before I could stop myself, and I kissed her. Firmly. Fervently.
On the inside, my heart was racing, beating loudly in my ears. The heat built between us as our mouths met passionately, lips moving over each other in sensual perfection; I lost all conscious thought.
She had to know how I felt.
Actions spoke louder than words. Why did it take me fifteen years to realize it?