Chapter 20
Chapter Twenty
T he cup of coffee slid a small distance across the small kitchen island and into my awaiting hands. I let the hot liquid burn my tongue and down my throat.
“Geez. At least sip it,” Melanie admonished, bringing her steaming cup to her lips. “One of the great things about being young is that I can enjoy coffee late at night. Now you, on the other hand…”
“I don’t think I’ll be sleeping anytime soon, anyway,” I murmured, looking down into my cup.
“Tell me what happened, but start from the beginning this time. ‘Julianna and I got into it’ isn’t going to cut it.”
With my head pounding and my tongue burned, I spilled out everything.
The night of the party, the wreck and its aftermath, the words I’d said to Julianna in the hospital when I told her I didn’t feel anything for her.
She didn’t interrupt, but I watched her face morph into a thousand diverse expressions .
Then I recounted the moments earlier in the day, after I’d come home from the MCA runs. I told her about our father’s appearance and what he’d said about our marriage. And how Julianna had heard everything, including the insult about her weight.
“Holy crap. Why didn’t you punch him?” she mused.
“I wanted to,” I admitted. “But I watched him use his fists my whole life to inflict pain, even on me. And I don’t want to be that person. It wasn’t easy to hold back.”
Then I told her what Julianna and I had shouted in the parlor, the back and forth between us, and the way my insides twisted as I watched her fall apart. I told Melanie as much as I could remember, anyway. The moments were a blur.
“I’d wanted to hold her. But I’d lost that privilege again.” I rapped on the counter in frustration. Then I ran my thumb and forefinger against my closed, misty eyes a few times while recounting events.
There was silence for a moment after I finished, which I appreciated.
“That was all…a lot,” she said.
“I know,” I replied.
She took a deep breath. “I’m going to say this with all the love in my heart, okay?”
I nodded but recoiled as she leaned over me and swatted at my arms. “Are you crazy?!” she cried. “Do you have at least one self-destruct button you haven’t pushed yet? Substance abuse, maybe?”
“Ow! That’s not funny,” I grumbled, holding my arm where a particular slap had stung.
“No, it’s not,” she agreed, standing behind the counter again. She adjusted her shirt, which had ridden up slightly with her attack. “You’ve built yourself a prison, locked yourself inside it, and mourned your existence for years. When the whole time you could have been free .
“Even now, you could be there in that house with her, waiting for her to calm down, trying to have a constructive conversation. But you aren’t.
Instead, you’re here with your sister, bemoaning your life.
You have no idea how frustrating it is to watch this happen to someone you love.
To see them be their own worst enemy. Especially someone like you, who gives so much of themselves away for the greater good. ”
Did she have a point? I shook my head. “Our dad made my prison.”
“That’s bullshit. It was all you. You took the easiest road in your grief and disappointment instead of fighting for what you wanted.
Our dad is a psychopath and a cheater. You can’t change him.
He can’t be trusted, so quit giving him power.
Own your mistakes. Apologize. Move on and get out of the damn prison.
Julianna doesn’t hate you. She’s confused and hurt because you never truly claimed her.
You made her feel disposable, first by leaving her on the fucking side of the road, and then in the hospital, and then never coming for her after that. No woman wants that.”
“My concern was for her, not myself.”
“You should have told her you came back for her that night immediately. You should have told her our father forbade you to be with her, Bram. You should have told her all that, instead of letting her think you didn’t care.”
I sighed. “I know.”
Melanie made sense, but I couldn’t grasp the hope that came with what she said.
“It’s too late now,” I mumbled, sipping the coffee this time. “I waited too long.”
“She held out her heart to you a long time ago, and you crushed it.” Melanie reached over and put her hand over mine on the cool granite. “And now she’s back in your life so many years later, living in your house, married to you, and you’re still holding back. How many chances do you need? “
I shook my head.
“Julianna’s back problems were my fault.
She says it was the deer that made us wreck, that it was unavoidable.
And she says repetitively that she was no worse off because I left her that night.
But the facts remain—I put her at risk and then I ran away in fear, and those two things are beyond forgiveness. ”
Melanie shook her head, pain etched in her features. “You were a kid, Bram. And you came back for her. And, you just said the most important part. She knew you didn’t mean to hurt her. She’s taken responsibility for her end of that night, too.”
I swallowed the lump that had formed in my throat. “But I can’t forgive myself.”
Mel’s eyes narrowed on me. “So, what’s more important to you?
Your misery or Julianna’s? Because every time you say you can’t forgive yourself, even though she’s forgiven you, you diminish her worth.
You tell her that your opinion of yourself is more important than her opinion of you. Are you okay with that?”
“But that’s not true.” A protective gruffness wove into my words, and Melanie smiled slightly.
“Then act like it. Quit holding back. She’s put it all on the line more than once. Now, it’s your turn.”
The coffee was cold by the time Mel and I finished talking. Looking down at my phone, I panicked and saw it was nearing nine pm.
“Shit. Her best friend was coming in tonight,” I explained while grabbing my keys. “I was supposed to drive her to Grams’ house before eight.”
“Seriously?” She rolled her eyes. “Men.”
My sister followed me to the front door of her apartment.“If you decide to take another day off work tomorrow, I can do whatever needs to be done.”
I shook my head. “I have to come back to the office. It’ll be too lonely without Julianna around.”
“Is she coming back to stay with you when her friend leaves?” Melanie leaned against the doorframe, and I paused.
“I’m not sure,” I replied, running a hand down my face. “I didn’t think she would ever come back, but now I don’t know about anything. Not until I get to talk to her about everything calmly.”
“Just stay home tomorrow.”
“I have meetings.”
“You’re always late anyway.”
“Smartass.”
“I’m learning from the best.”
Without overthinking it, I walked back to her and wrapped my strong arms around her petite frame in a chaste embrace. “I appreciate you,” I said.
“I always wanted a big brother, and now I have one. And a boss. Not sure which role I like you in more.”
“Good answer,” I muttered into her hair. I left her standing in the doorway with a wave, grateful anew that she was in my life.
The drive back to the farm was a blur. I parked the truck outside the garage and killed the engine.
I planned to go in, spill my guts, beg Julianna for forgiveness, and convince her I wanted to change because I did want to change.
If it came down to choosing to wallow in pity or to be with her every day, I’d pick her every time.
Forgiving myself and moving on from my past mistakes was the best way to honor Julianna’s commitment to me, paving a path forward for us to be together .
If that’s what she wanted.
What if I was too late?
I remained as stealthy as possible as I moved through the house. Lakey met me in the living room with a wagging tail, and I petted her before making my way up the creaking stairs. My bedroom door was half open, and I pushed it open gently, thinking she was probably in there.
Empty.
The bed was made with not one wrinkle on the sheets. I raced to the bathroom and flipped on the light. It was empty. The vanity was cleared of her things. Frantic, I looked around for her bag. It was nowhere to be found. I checked the other two bedrooms, and they were undisturbed.
I ran down the stairs and grabbed my phone, which I’d deposited on the dining room table, pulling up her number. It rang as I searched the downstairs rooms. I even stuck my head in the cellar. I trembled as her phone continued to go to voicemail.
I switched to text and received a notification that her phone was set to Do Not Disturb .
Wherever she was, whoever she was with, whatever she was doing, she was icing me out.
Kallie must have picked her up. I let Lakey outside to do her business before putting her back in her kennel.
I wouldn’t be okay until I knew Julianna was safe and until she would listen to all the apologies I needed to make. I headed towards Grams’ house.