15. Nalini #2
“With what? Eating a pie? Trying to convince my snake, Sylvie, to wear a Santa hat? Those were my big plans for today,” I scoffed, “It’s not like my mother would magically reach out today or we’d have any sort of family time scheduled.”
“Yeah, it’s probably a good thing you don’t talk to her anymore.
" Kameron admitted, and I shrugged — she hadn’t wanted to be a Mom, and she was right not to have wanted it.
She was terrible at every single facet of motherhood.
“What about your parents?” I finally asked, surprised they weren’t here, “Why not invite them?”
“Despite how good they were growing up, it turns out my parents love money more than their children,” Kameron sighed, answering a question I hadn’t known how to ask.
I wasn’t sure why he was the owner of the house or why they’d never come back.
“Dad was our manager and immediately started embezzling money. Mom expected us to fund her entire life, which suddenly needed a minimum of a million dollars a month. They ended up divorcing, which is how the embezzlement came out, and we cut them both off. Last I saw them, they were trying to sneak into my wedding, and when they realized I’d prepared security for that exact thing, they left. I haven’t seen them since.”
“Growing up, I never would've expected that,” I admitted, “They seemed so normal!”
“Money changes people, especially getting access to that much that fast,” Kameron sighed, “Mom thought we owed her for our childhoods. Dad thought it was unfair that we were successful and he wasn’t.
And since we were still minors when the band first exploded, they were able to get away with a lot. ”
“I’m sorry, I know you used to be close,” I sighed.
“Don’t be,” Kameron said, shaking his head, “It’s one of the many things I worked on in therapy.”
I understood, I felt the same way about my Mom.
It took years for me to fully understand how horrific my childhood actually was.
And honestly, the irony of the Raine parents being my lifeline wasn’t lost on me now that I knew how they’d changed.
They’d made sure I got through it somewhat unscathed.
But, despite the way my mother treated me, despite the way I knew early on I’d never be enough for her — I’d never wanted to live my life in a way that would make her love me; I knew a lost cause when I saw one.
It was a relief to be years removed from her instead of a burden, and while many didn’t understand, I rarely thought about her unless someone else brought her up.
“How are things with your brothers?” I finally asked, wanting to get away from the growing awkwardness of talking about our parents. Though from the way Kam sighed, I guessed it wasn’t as good a distraction as I’d hoped.
“Better than it used to be,” he finally admitted.
“We didn’t talk for years after RaineFall broke up, and it wasn’t until Julia died that either of them reached out again.
We’re trying to work things out, but there’s still a lot of conversations we need to have that we’re avoiding.
Which is the other reason I didn’t invite them: I don’t think Thanksgiving is the time. ”
I’d spent so much time putting myself into a “RaineFall ruined my life” box; I’d never anticipated anyone might feel that way.
But between his parents and whatever was going on with his brothers, it sounded like RaineFall had ruined Kam’s life too.
I’d always assumed everything was amazing for them, that they’d left everything behind to have a better, more famous life.
Clearly, that wasn’t the case.
“Dad, why are you and Nalini being boring?” Cassidy asked, barging into the kitchen, only to stop dead in her tracks. “Why are you still making food? We have enough food!”
“Is there anything on your list we can take off, that’s not the potatoes I just finished peeling?” I laughed. Though I was prepared to fight the ten-year-old if she insisted we didn’t need mashed potatoes.
“A few things,” Kameron said, while his daughter announced she was setting up a mandatory board game, and we had to stop cooking to play it.. I wasn’t sure if that was actually going to happen, not when we were in the middle of two… maybe three different dishes.
But it quickly became clear neither of us would actually get a choice in the matter.
It was a simple holiday: one full of games, food, and one instance of playing some racing video game I was terrible at.
For the first time in a long time, I had a vision of what I wanted in life, but told myself wouldn’t happen: a family.
A place to belong. A place to have this kind of joy and belonging.
The warmth and laughter and the not-so-picture-perfect holidays that everyone would look back at with a smile.
Maybe it was because we’d mentioned my mother, maybe it was because Misty had gone so hard on rightfully insisting I had a crush on Kam.
I’d always felt accepted by the Raines when I was growing up; they were the family I’d wanted, my haven away from the emotionless void of my mother.
But the longer I was here, the less I felt I should be.
Kam and Cassidy reminded me I wanted to be a Mom. I wanted to have a life like this. I wanted to have the family holidays, watching my own kids get exasperated. It was nice to be invited, but at the same time, I didn’t quite belong in the picture
I knew it wasn’t too late for me, and I had enough RaineFall-related closure to start looking.
I just had to figure out where to look. Because if I were being honest with myself, I thought I would’ve found my own family by now.
Tears pricked the edges of my eyes as I tried to keep myself from crying, as I finally realized why I tried to stay home for holidays: I didn’t want the reminder that I was alone.
Which, ironically, was easier to do when you were alone.
That it was a snake and me, and nobody would look at me the way Cassidy looked at her father.
“Are you…?” Kam asked, and I realized he'd noticed my sudden wave of emotion. I tried to shake it off before everyone’s attention was interrupted by a sudden pounding at the door.
“Kam! Open up!” Jack’s voice slurred.
Anger flashed across Kam’s features as he opened the front door, his twin falling on him. Jack was a mess: his clothes were rumpled, he clearly hadn’t changed in days, his hair looked matted, and his eyes were bloodshot — all terrible signs when there was a good chance he’d driven here.
“Uncle Jack?” Cassidy asked, her brows furrowing in confusion as she took in the sight of her uncle.
While it was obvious Kam had seen Jack like this plenty of times before, Cassidy’s confusion screamed she’d never seen him like this.
I wasn’t going to keep her in the room to experience Jack at his worst.
“Let’s go to the kitchen and get your Uncle some food,” I suggested, practically dragging Cassidy out of the room, and I gave Kam a nod. I knew he’d have to take care of this, and I didn’t envy him in the least.