20. Kameron
Chapter twenty
Kameron
I’d kissed Nalini. And she’d kissed me back.
Neither of which I’d predicted happening when I first left for her place.
The plan had been to apologize for Jack, let her know I wasn’t mad, and leave.
It was a conversation I knew needed to be done in person — but something clicked when she explained what Jack said was true.
I wasn’t mad; we were teenagers, and all of us made stupid decisions.
But there was something in the way she was talking that made me wonder…
what if it wasn’t just fifteen years ago?
The more I was around Nalini, the more I couldn’t imagine living life without her again.
Nalini hadn’t put me back together. She hadn’t picked up the shattered pieces of my heart and fixed them.
Instead, she’d given me space to process as I put my heart back together on my own and reminded me I was allowed to feel everything — and that was much more important than any cliché romantic gesture.
I’d just told Cassidy if someone came into my life, it'd be different, I’d hesitated with her, not realizing that maybe that was my heart’s indicator and my brain was still catching up to.
And then Nalini called me her “best friend,” and it’d felt wrong.
Like there was more to us than just friendship.
That at some point since I’d moved back, things changed.
And for a second, everything felt right in the world.
And then she’d pulled away.
“Kam,” Nalini gently said, and I could tell she was trying to phrase her words carefully as she untangled her fingers from my hair.
“If we’re going to try this, I need to be sure it’s not just because of what Jack said, or because you’re lonely or missing Julia.
And I’m not just saying this because of what happened at Thanksgiving.
You’ve had a rough couple of years, and for both of our sakes, I need to know you’re in the right mindset before we both get hurt. ”
Despite her saying all the right things, I was embarrassed as I went back to my side of the couch.
I could feel how hot my face was, and could only imagine how red my cheeks were.
It stung like rejection, even though it wasn’t one.
It felt too strong, while I hadn’t even planned on kissing her today.
Thoughts of Julia and Jack were at war in my mind…
and I had too many emotions going on at once.
Good and Bad. Guilt and Hope. Fighting against each other as I realized that some of what Jack said might've grafted my emotions together into a mess I couldn’t interpret. Not yet.
Which meant Nalini was right: if I couldn’t even figure out what I was feeling, if this made me feel confusion at Julia’s absence so strongly — I had no right kissing her in the first place.
“It’s not a no, okay?” she assured me, wrapping me in a hug as she rested her head against my shoulder.
“It’s a chance for you to make sure this is actually what you want.
Otherwise, it’s not fair to both of us, and I don’t want to lose you again.
And if it means you’re only my friend, I’m okay with that. ”
“Thank you,” I whispered, surprised to feel the heat of tears stream down my cheeks.
It’d been a long time since anyone had fully seen my grief and hadn’t pressured me to move on.
I’d focused so much on Cassidy, I clearly needed to focus a little more on myself.
And while it'd been a long time since Julia’s being gone felt like the most devastating thing in the world, I needed to make sure my head was on straight before I could pursue anything.
Did I think it might be? Yes. But was I sure? No. And until I could answer the question, I agreed with her. We’d have to reexamine everything that just happened once I had my head on straight.
I wasn’t sure how long we sat there in silence.
I wasn’t sure how long I cried. It was hard to explain the invisible pressure to “get over it” so I could focus on helping Cassidy.
And it was even harder to explain the contrasting pressure that stated I should never get over it, and instead should be drowning in grief forever.
“Why don’t you tell me about her?” Nalini suggested, and the words poured out of me like water.
How I’d met Julia by accident backstage at one of my concerts, and I’d literally bought a ticket to the Olympics that night to go support her in person.
How everyone had hated we’d gotten married at 21, even though we knew it was right for us.
She was the most creative ice skater I knew and planned her own routines.
How she could light up the room with a smile, how she hated cooking and loved doing the dishes while blasting music so loud the walls shook.
How she’d set herself up as an ice skating coach when she was pregnant with Cassidy, and loved it more than she did competing.
I talked about her favorite colors, her favorite books, her morbid sense of humor.
“I wish I could’ve met her,” Nalini said when I was done, a sad smile filling her face.
“I do too,” I sighed, “I’ve always thought you’d have been really good friends. She actually encouraged me to reach out a few times… it just always felt… I don’t know. I should have.”
“I’m sorry things got so bad between us. I never got the chance to meet her. She sounds like she was really special,” Nalini smiled, and yet I wondered if things happened for a reason. If Nalini and I understood each other better because we’d been apart and life had brought us back together again.
“We need to stop apologizing,” I finally chuckled, “we were seventeen, we’re both in our thirties now. I think we’ve grown up enough to get past it.”
“Oh, don’t remind me,” Nalini scoffed, “I’m still trying to convince my students I’m not ancient.” I winced; I definitely didn’t feel old enough to be considered “ancient.”
“Don’t deflect; I mean it. We have a fresh start, and we know better than we did back then,” I continued.
“What happened, happened. And there’s nothing left to apologize for.
” She nodded, though I could tell she was still a little wary about it all.
I couldn’t exactly blame her — I had no idea how to reassure her the past was the past. And before I could try, my phone’s alarm went off, letting me know Cassidy needed to be picked up from her sleepover.
“I have to go pick up Cass,” I said, not wanting to move away from the way we were still somewhat cuddled together on the couch.
It felt like I was leaving something behind, even though I wasn’t entirely sure what it was yet.
Not when we’d gone from a kiss to me crying over Julia.
I had so much to process, so much I didn’t understand, and so much that felt right — even though a voice in the back of my head almost believed everything that happened should feel wrong.