41.
Chapter forty-one
Nalini
Iwas having a panic attack.
I couldn’t breathe; the nerves connected to my lungs were aching for oxygen that somehow wasn’t coming in from my hyperventilating.
The walls felt like they were closing in, and I needed to make myself small to keep from being squished to death.
I needed to disappear from the world, and yet, every single muscle in my body was frozen.
It was happening again. From the moment I let Kam back into my life, the anxiety of this exact thing had been building. I’d convinced myself I was overreacting, everyone I knew was convinced I was overreacting, and yet it'd happened anyway.
I didn’t know if there was a hacker, or if it was a legitimate leak.
The photos of us at the Festival were uncomfortable, but we were in public; it was like we were asking for it.
And even though I'd told myself I was okay with my neighbors seeing, I didn’t think it’d be the entire world.
Not yet. But the video? It could've only been leaked if they had access to my or Kam’s texts.
It was unsettling and violating, the way someone had combed through my private information.
And if they had the video, what else had they seen? What else did they know? Misty had been convinced nobody was spying on me, but this practically confirmed I was right. I'd wanted my suspicions to be something my anxiety had made up. And instead, I had my personal business going viral.
Again.
I didn’t know if they knew my passwords; I didn’t know if my phone was the problem. For a moment I wondered if my phone was cloned, but that felt like something out of a spy movie and not something that would’ve happened in real life. At least not in Briar Hill.
Despite the anxiety spiral I couldn’t get myself out of, I was glad Kam told me.
It was better than finding out myself; it let me panic here instead of in front of the photographers.
He was sitting on the piano bench across the room, while I curled up into a ball on the bed.
I didn’t want to take it out on him, not when he was as much of a victim in this.
I let my long hair curtain over me, hiding me enough so I couldn’t see anything.
I had to remind myself I wasn’t alone this time.
I had a warning; I had Kam here actively trying to help.
There was a plan to keep me as out of it as possible, even though I hated this plan.
The goal was to make it a nonstory: that if we just talked about me being homeless, the rumors would go away.
I hated the idea of the entire internet pitying me for losing my house.
I hated that I was scared of letting the world know Kam was mine.
There was so much back and forth going on in my mind.
One moment, I wanted to tell the world about us, the next, I wanted to hide in a blanket and never come out.
One moment, I wanted to step into this life I’d started to create; the next, I wanted to run away and pretend the past few months hadn’t happened.
“Nalini,” Kam finally said, his voice soothing and calm, “I need you to tell me where your head’s at.”
“I don’t know,” I whispered, not sure if I even could make my voice louder while it felt like an elephant was sitting on my lungs.
“It feels like it’s all happening again.
And I’m going to have endless paparazzi refuse to give me a moment’s peace.
But I’m also angry. For both of us. For not getting a choice in how we wanted to navigate things. ”
Life wasn’t supposed to be made for consumption, even if someone was famous.
People deserved their privacy, and having a meltdown behind closed doors because someone had literally been spying on them shouldn’t be normal.
I was glad I didn’t see the CelebScoop post, but I was still afraid to check my social media.
Even though I’d set everything to private, I knew there were enough people who might be tagging me with questions.
“Are you okay?” I asked, figuring Kam would be able to give me a litmus test of what I was supposed to feel.
“Am I okay?” Kam repeated, before shaking his head, “Am I okay with being spied on, having a personal video leaked, and having photographers stalking me outside my home? No. I’m not.
I’ve worked so hard to make Briar Hill feel like home again, and I don’t want to lose my privacy now that I’ve finally convinced everyone I’m not here to ruin it. ”
I’d forgotten that Kam’s anger wasn’t obvious; it was subtle, internal, and cold. His voice was filled with a quiet ice instead of a raging fire, and it was terrifying to see. Most people would miss it, but it was clear to me he was seething.
“How do we make sure this doesn’t happen again?” I asked, finally able to breathe deeply enough my heart stopped pounding.
“I already called Silas; he owed me a favor for helping with the ice rink, so he’s getting rid of the photographers,” Kam admitted, “but we do need to make a statement. What it says is up to you.”
“Up to me? Why would it be…” I trailed off as I realized what he was saying.
If there were pictures of us from last night, there was certainly at least one of us kissing.
I didn’t know if the pictures looked good; it was dark, and if we didn’t notice it happening, it was probably heavily zoomed in.
Were people able to tell? Could we say I’m just hanging out here until I have new housing and what they saw was something different?
It wasn’t an ultimatum, and I was glad Kam hadn’t given me one. But I had a feeling that whatever I decided had to be what I wanted, because this was the precipice we couldn’t back away from.
Did I want to try things out with Kam? Did I want to make it official?
Or did I want to sweep everything under the rug?
If you’d asked me last night, I’d immediately say yes to making it official.
But now? The only way I could see the rumors stopping was if we actively stopped hanging out.
Anything wishy-washy would look suspicious, especially when this was the second RaineFall band member I’d been publicly linked to.
I hated that this would impact Kam’s career. While I was making choices about our relationship, he was making choices about his future. Everything was going to change today, and I didn’t want it to be only me.
It didn’t have to be only me.
“It can’t just be me making this decision,” I blurted out, my voice shaking despite feeling somewhat confident. “We need to make this together, like you said. It’s not only my decision. It never was, no matter how much I acted like it was.”
“I just wanted to make sure you felt more in control this time,” Kam smiled, “Even if it does mean we’re ending it.”
“Ending it?” I asked, my stomach dropping, “Is that what you want?”
“No!” Kam exclaimed, surprised by the words, “I just thought…”
“I don’t want to end it,” I quietly said, finally verbalizing everything I’d been terrified to say, “You’re the only person in my life who’s seen every part of me.
Good and bad,” I admitted, “The more I’m here, the more I dread leaving.
Because you and Cassidy have become my home, and I don’t want to leave it.
I want to be with you, Kam,” I smiled, the words spilling out of me faster than I thought they would, “I also want those photographers in front of our home gone.”
“If they come back, I think they’ll leave once they realize we’re a pretty boring couple,” Kam scoffed, moving to sit next to me on the bed.
He wrapped his arms around me and kissed my forehead.
“You go to work, I go grocery shopping, sometimes we go to the library. They’d be bored after like two days. ”
I laughed at how boring we sounded, but the domesticity of it made my stomach flutter.
It was longer than I would’ve preferred, but two days was livable, instead of months of them camped outside the door.
And the perks of them coming in now was there was no place for them to stay, not without costing their employers more than I was willing to bet they’d pay.
“What should we do about our phones?” I finally asked, knowing there was no way I could afford to replace them.
“Mel said a factory reset should be fine,” Kam assured me, “though I think I’m going to call my carrier and see if they can figure out if…
” he paused for a moment, like he was figuring something out, “This is the second leak we’ve had in two months.
The first was with Jack’s stuff, and he texted about it constantly. But I also sent the video to him…”
I blinked, but it was clear Kam was putting together a puzzle I didn’t have all the pieces to.
“I need to talk to Jack,” Kam exclaimed before kissing my forehead.
“Sit tight, I think I figured out who’s behind it.
” Kam flew from the room, grabbed his keys, and ran out of the house without even a jacket.
I was confused, but it was clear it had nothing to do with me, and everything to do with Jack.
And despite everything, I burst out laughing. It was on brand that somehow Jack was once again the reason behind my misfortune.