32. Chapter 32
Chapter 32
Emily
A fter not seeing Ryan at all on Sunday or Monday, I grew concerned. However, last night he texted me asking if we could have breakfast together, and I breathed a sigh of relief.
We still didn’t know where we stood with the library funding. If Ryan was going to leave because the library would be shut down, I couldn’t deal with another round of the Poor Emilys. “She can’t get a man to stay.” “It’s because she doesn’t take care of her weight.” “She’s a recluse.” “After what she did in high school, who would ever want her.”
The kick of it was was none of those things were true, but they still fucking hurt. Most of them started after high school. Rumors surfaced about me that my high school ex and his friends invented. I should have known better than to date someone from the popular crowd, but back then I was only thinking about how happy I was that someone was interested in me.
The stupidity of youth bit me in the ass, which was why I preferred to keep everything about myself private. Unfortunately, my desire to keep my life private and out of the mouths of the town gossip mill, might push away a man I was falling head over heels for.
“Coffee?” Sadie asked, pulling me to the present again.
I nodded as the sounds and smells of the diner filled my head. Sitting in the corner booth, I was waiting to meet with Ryan. I watched the black “liquid gold” pour into my cup as the bells above the door rang out. My eyes lifted toward the door, expecting Ryan, but seeing Nick standing there as he scanned the restaurant.
“Oh my god,” Sadie whispered, then she shouted out to him, “Hey, take a seat anywhere.”
Nick’s eyes went to her, and then settled on me. A grin spread as his dimples appeared in his cheeks. My eyes widened as he made his way across the restaurant and sat down opposite of me. The diner went silent with the exception of the clanging pans coming from behind the window to the kitchen. I could feel the eyes of everyone on me, and my cheeks began to heat.
“What are you doing here?” I hissed at Nick.
“After seeing you, I got to thinking. I needed to see you again.”
“No,” I stated.
“I missed you.”
“No.”
“I’ll be working in Fairwood for years, possibly the rest of my life.”
“No.” I began shaking my head back and forth, barely registering the bells over the door ringing again.
My attention was glued onto Nick, I couldn’t believe the words coming out of his mouth. What the hell was he thinking? We weren’t anything back then.
“I want to date you, for real. You are amazing and …” Nick paused as his eyes moved next to us.
A weight dropped into the seat next to me, and my head turned. Then Ryan’s lips were on mine, his hand on my jaw, heat rising in me like it always does when I was near him. Everything disappeared.
That was until whispers erupted around us, and I remembered where I was. As Ryan pulled back, my heart began pounding in my chest as the reality of what just happened hit me. Panic had gripped me, and for a second, I was frozen.
“Sorry I’m late, sweetheart,” Ryan whispered.
“Oh, I didn’t realize you two …” Nick spoke quietly, and my eyes unglued from Ryan to stare at him.
“Yes, we are,” Ryan stated, his arm coming around my shoulders.
My eyes dropped to the table, as I refused to look around the busy restaurant. By the end of this day, every person in this town would assume Ryan and I were together. The rumors would start up again. There would be comparisons and people would talk about how I should choose Nick, or how I wasn’t pretty enough for either, or how Ryan could do better. Betting on how long our relationship would last would begin, people would be afraid I’d drive Ryan away like I did Thomas, George, and Nick. I couldn’t make them stay because I wasn’t skinny, or beautiful, or extroverted.
“I’m sorry,” Nick muttered before he slid from the booth and left.
I refused to go after him. I didn’t feel anything for him, and despite feeling mildly bad for him, I wasn’t going to give the town anything more to talk about.
“What are you doing?” I whispered to Ryan as he switched to the opposite side of the booth.
“Staking my claim,” Ryan whispered back, and my eyes lifted to his.
His words left no room for argument, but his eyes were filled with longing. Hoping I’d accept them, and I’d let him “stake his claim.” But as the whispered voices of the other patrons filtered through to my ears, all I could think about was how he’d basically forced my hand.
He didn’t think about how his staying here was contingent on us keeping the library open. He didn’t think about what it would look like if yet another man left town after dating me. There wasn’t a single second he considered whether I’d be comfortable enough with him announcing our relationship status.
Closing my eyes for a second, I forced myself to prioritize my needs over how it would look to others. Grabbing my purse, I dropped a ten down on the table and slid from the booth.
“Emily,” Ryan whispered, but I walked away.
I could feel the eyes on me, but I ignored them as I marched toward the door. Pounding footsteps came up behind me as I pushed through the door and out to the street. Turning, I walked toward my apartment.
“Why are you mad?” Ryan asked as he fell into step next to me.
“Because we didn’t discuss this. Because now everyone in town is going to know you kissed me in public, that we are together.”
“And?”
Shaking my head slowly, I went silent and continued walking. The last thing I wanted to do was give any bystanders anything more to talk about. This could wait until we were in the privacy of my apartment.
I hated confrontation, but it was coming. I tried to calm down so I could approach this rationally … so I wouldn’t ruin this. Except, it was hard for me to think about how this wasn’t already ruined. I didn’t know where we stood with the book festival, if we had a shot at saving the library, or if once again a man was going to be forced to leave for work. I wasn’t important enough for any man to stick around in the past. Why would Ryan stick around?
That wasn’t fair, I didn’t care if the men in the past stuck around or not. But, Ryan? I wanted him to choose to stay here, to be with me, to choose me. I couldn’t expect him to do it. I wasn’t special.
“Are we going to talk?” Ryan asked as we approached my apartment building.
“Not out here,” I hissed as I began digging in my purse for my keys, finding them as I approached the front door to my building.
Unlocking the door, I flung it open and marched inside with Ryan hot on my heels. At my apartment, I stomped in, set my purse on the table, and spun to Ryan as he closed the door behind us.
“What the hell? You knew I didn’t want to go public, yet you kissed me in front of half the town?” I yelled.
“Your ex was sitting across from you, confessing his love. I wasn’t going to lose you to him!” He yelled back.
“He never stood a chance!”
The determination in his eyes disappeared as he stared at me, “What?”
“Nick was … a distraction, at best. I was never in love with him. He was company when I was lonely, and I thought I was the same to him. Either way it didn’t matter because I moved on … to you. He was never an option.”
“How would I know that?”
“Because you could have trusted me.”
“Except, you didn’t tell him when we saw him in Fairwood. It probably would have prevented him even coming out here if you had,” he argued.
“He did have friends here. I don’t know if he still talks to them or not, and I wasn’t ready for the entire town to know.”
“Why do you care so much if the town knows?”
“Because I’m unlovable to them. I can’t make a man stay. But why would any man stay after what half the town believes I did in high school?”
“What?” Confusion came over his face.
“Every boyfriend I’ve ever had has left town. I didn’t care. But you, you might leave town, and I would be devastated. Because you’re different to me than any of them. When you leave it will hurt, and then the town will talk and make it hurt ten times worse because they’ll say, ‘she always makes them run away,’” I explained and Ryan’s expression softened.
“I’d stay,” he whispered.
“Oh? Is the library saved?”
“Well, no not yet.”
“Which means when the doors close, you’ll be forced to leave in order to afford to live. You’ll leave me.”
“Who told you I was going to leave? And if it’s such a huge concern there is something you could do to try to stop it,” he stated, crossing his arms over my chest.
My eyes widened in understanding, and I whispered, “I can’t do that.”
“Right, because of the town gossip. Because you’re so afraid of what everyone will think about you. Because your fear is stronger than your feelings for me. You let this town control everything about your life.”
Looking down to the floor, the fight left me. He wasn’t wrong, but he’d been so supportive of my desire to keep my career a secret, I never expected he’d use it against me. How wrong had I been?
“Get out,” I whispered.
He turned and stepped to the door, before he said, “You’re not the only person with a past. How do you think it felt being kept a secret?”
The door closed behind him and a wave of emotions hit me like a ton of bricks. His reasons for his disappointment and anger were valid, but so were mine.