Chapter 21
Chapter Twenty-One
Social conduct for hate-free inter-colleague teamwork
Short: SCHIT
How about a little anarchy?
Startled, she looked up.
Gareth was standing in front of her, looking at her worriedly…and her lungs convulsed so violently that she felt dizzy. The fear in her stomach mingled with the warmth in her chest that automatically rose in Gareth’s presence and made her forget all her worries.
But that was the problem, wasn’t it?
“Hazel, I’m sorry!” Gareth gritted his teeth. “My father doesn’t know what he’s talking about and I convinced him otherwise, so…”
She forced a smile and shook her head. It didn’t matter if Mr. Clark knew what he was talking about — because a lack of information didn’t stop people from talking shit.
“It’s okay,” she lied hoarsely. “Everything…everything is fine.”
“Are you sure?” Gareth looked around the deserted hallway before gently running his index finger down her cheek. “You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”
She had. She'd seen herself, seven years ago.
“It’s nothing.” She looked away and pulled his hand away from her face.
She couldn’t think straight with him looking at her and touching her like that.
She needed distance. Only then could she calmly consider what to do and how she would gently tell Gareth that she was terminating their contract.
“Sorry for my outburst. Your parents just upset me.”
He smiled. “I could tell. You shouldn’t take them so seriously. And really, Dad shouldn’t have said to you…”
“But you take them seriously, Gare! And I take you seriously. Do you?” she interrupted incredulously. She didn’t want to think about what his father had said to her because that would only make the panic burn hotter in her veins.
Blinking, he frowned. “What do you mean?”
“You don’t say what’s on your mind around them,” she replied weakly. “As if your opinion is worth less than theirs. You didn’t even do that back when your father visited us at Harvard. And it upset me even then, and made me feel like I had to protect you, and…”
Gareth snorted and looked down at her, shaking his head. “You don’t have to protect me. It’s just pointless to contradict them anymore. I’ve tried, but it’s still the same old story and nothing will change.”
“I know! That’s what upsets me so much.” She rubbed her temples and took a deep breath. Her eyes burned, so she squeezed them shut. “We’re stuck, aren’t we? You with your parents, me stuck with you…”
“You with me?” he asked, astonished.
“Yes,” she whispered hoarsely, forcing herself to look at him again.
His eyes were a shade darker than usual, his gaze fixed on her face.
She loved being looked at by him because only he could make her feel truly seen.
But right now, she wished he would turn his back on her because it would make her words so much easier.
“Do you know how much I hated it at Harvard, watching you shrivel under your father’s gaze?
” She dug her fingernails into her palms. “How awful it still is for me to know what’s going on inside you while you radiate such cool patience and indifference that it fools everyone — except me?
Your father believes you don’t care about what he just said.
But I know that’s not true, and it drives me crazy to know there’s a small part of you that shatters every time your dad criticizes you.
Literally crazy, Gareth! Until I can’t think straight and want to do things, want to say things that a smart, empowered woman like me shouldn’t even consider!
” She gritted her teeth and fought back the burning in her eyes.
“Until your happiness suddenly seems more important than mine, because I’d do anything to make you feel better.
Because the consequences are suddenly irrelevant to me, no matter how devastating they might be. ”
The sentences tasted bitter on her tongue, but she had to say them.
She had to finally be honest with him and herself, even if her panic was eating away at her with every word.
Spoken out loud, the reality was so much more frightening.
Gareth had too much power over her, always had.
He didn’t exploit it, but she still felt it — in everything she did and wanted to do.
Gareth was still staring at her, slowly tilting his head, as if trying to understand her words…until he apparently concluded that he didn’t. “What are you talking about?”
Hazel swallowed and pressed the heels of her hands to her eyes. Of course, he had no idea. And maybe she should let sleeping dogs lie. After all, they’d agreed to let the past be the past, but the bitch kept intruding.
“Hazel, you don’t have to worry about my mental state,” he said urgently, stepping closer to her and gently tucking her hair behind her ears.
“But I do,” she softly choked out. “And as long as we’re together, I won’t be able to stop.
I can’t stop myself from wanting to do everything I can to make you happy — and forgetting to think about myself in the process.
I’ll always come up short, Gareth! And I’ll be the only one who suffers if it gets out that we’re sleeping together.
Just like I was the only one who had to suffer the stupid looks and comments of others back then.
You won’t have to hear people calling you a whore, and you never had to hear people say that you’re only with me out of pity.
Your career will survive this little scandal, while mine will probably end in tatters!
And yet, even knowing this, I would adjust my goals for you, just to make you happier.
And that scares me so much, Gareth, that I don’t know if this can work for us.
At least, it didn’t work for me back then! ”
“What?” Gareth asked hollowly, abruptly dropping his hand from her cheek.
“I don’t want you to give up your goals, Hazel!
And who the hell told you I was only with you out of pity back then?
Shit, I know it didn’t work for us. I was there when you told me you needed to focus on your studies, that I was too distracting. I get it.”
She closed her eyes. “That’s not entirely true, Gareth.”
“How is it not entirely true?” His volume increased. “What the hell were you just talking about? I don’t want you to forget to think about yourself, I…”
“But I did, Gareth!” she snapped. Her voice trembled and her stomach lurched, but she owed it to him to be honest. She didn’t want to repeat any mistakes. She couldn’t go back, only forward. “I didn’t want to hurt you back then, so I used school as an excuse, understand?”
“No,” he said harshly. “I don’t understand anything anymore!”
Shit, yeah, maybe he wouldn’t. Faint despair crept up inside her, but she’d already begun telling him…
“I couldn’t put all my eggs in one basket,” she whispered, choked.
“On you. I stopped building my life around my goals of being successful and the best at my job — but built it around you. I became weak. For you. With you. Because of you. When we were together, my goal was suddenly no longer my success and a safe path out of poverty, to finally repay my mother for everything she gave up for me, but…my goal was you.” She swallowed hard.
“You and your happiness were suddenly my goals! But I had no guarantee that you would always be there. You could have abruptly left me one day; you weren’t a safe bet!
And yet I’d worked so hard my whole life to get a degree that would finally promise me and Mom security — and I would have given it all up for you, to make you happy. ”
“What the hell are you talking about, Hazel?” Gareth dug both hands into his hair and looked at her desperately. “Of course you could have relied on me! Of course you could have. I would have guaranteed it, if you’d asked. I was so in love with you, I would have done anything for you!”
“And I would have done anything for you, Gareth,” she whispered in a thin voice.
“And that was the damn problem. My mom threw away half her life and I shed blood, sweat, and tears to get the best degree so I could provide a good future for us both. I gave my best every day…and then I hooked up with you and suddenly, I deliberately wanted to do worse!”
“Do worse? Worse at what?”
“On the state exam!” she snapped loudly. “The exam that would have determined my future!”
He blinked at her, completely uncomprehending. “I don’t understand…”
“Yeah, I didn’t understand either. I was the girl from the ghetto and you were the privileged guy from Beverly Hills — and I loved you so much that I still wanted to give you the advantage.
Even though, unlike me, you already had all the advantages.
And…I couldn’t, Gare!” She spoke louder and louder, her frantic heartbeat pounding in her ears.
“It scared me so damn much! I fought so hard to get into an Ivy League school to turn my life around and provide a better life for my mother. And then you were there, and I wanted to break my promise and stop giving my best just because I knew how much you were hurting. Gareth, I knew you so well. I’ve forgotten more things about you than I ever discovered about myself.
And I knew you’d spend the rest of your life hearing that you were second to me, and you’d be incredibly upset about it.
I did better than you on exams, so I wanted to do worse to make your life easier.
I was willing to finish in the middle of the pack – because coming in second would have been too risky – just because I loved you so damn much.
And that couldn’t happen, Gare. You had too much power over me, and that scared me.
Shit, no one expected you to spend more than a few months with me!
You could have decided at any moment that I wasn’t living up to your standards and dumped me!
I couldn’t prioritize your happiness over mine. Not even just in my mind!”