Chapter 29
Blair
The Biwban had a sense of humor, I’d give them that.
Not soon after Osid and I woke up that morning, both of us were whisked away to the next trial and were promptly separated.
I was given an elegant regency-style gold dress with a flower belt that cinched just below my breasts—which made them look amazing, by the way—and was dropped off at the foot of a hedge maze.
In the distance, I could see a large mansion with people ballroom dancing in the windows.
The maze itself looked like it was straight out of a historical romance, complete with elegant flower displays, marble statues, and all manner of ritzy filigree plastered on every bench and pergola.
The announcer’s familiar voice came over the loudspeaker.
I rolled my eyes. “Yeah, get to the point. What fresh hell did you cook up for us today?”
“Today’s challenge will simulate a popular human mating ritual, a Lady’s Ruination, in which the couple will sneak off into the garden alone for a secret tryst. Once other humans find them together, a lady’s reputation is promptly ruined and the two must become engaged.
As you are well aware, bonding is increased under duress, so just like before, we have decided to up the ante. ”
“Oh joy,” I said, only half listening. It didn’t matter what nonsense they had in store for us today; Osid and I had already planned to set the room on fire so they had to evacuate us, the same as they had to do on the third floor.
Luckily for us, the garden maze looked very flammable.
I dug the lighter out of my bra and tested it.
After a few tries, the spark lit. Satisfied it wasn’t going to crap out on me again, I tucked it back into place.
The simulated starry night sky flickered, and double doors opened up above the center of the maze. A large cage descended from the ceiling.
“Oh, you’ve got to be fucking kidding me.”
“Our researchers have indicated that the proper monster for this challenge would be a minotaur. Alas, we were unable to find any minotaur DNA in the Earth samples we’ve collected.
Rest assured, our team is hard at work creating a suitable substitute for future couples.
For now, we must work with the tools we have. ”
Inside the cage was the one-armed pink T.
rex. The beast thrashed against the bars, hissing angrily when the cage jerked in the air.
It disappeared into the tall hedge until it landed with a thump.
I heard a long creak as the doors opened, followed by rustling hedges and angry bellows.
The cage rose up before disappearing back into the ceiling.
The doors closed, and the starry night sky was whole once again.
“A T. rex?” I screamed. “You expect us to fight a fucking T. rex? With what weapons? Give us a goddamn rocket launcher or something, this isn’t fair!”
“Engaging with the monster of the maze is optional. Your best bet is to avoid danger altogether and reunite for a passionate kiss under the stars. However, the threat of a human’s natural predator presents an optimal opportunity for potential heroics.”
“Who told you a T. rex was our natural predator? Do you know what our natural predator actually is? Heart disease! It’s heart disease. Send in a tray of cheeseburgers or something, that’s an actual threat I’m used to dealing with. Not a prehistoric apex predator, you budget-pinching assholes!”
The announcer ignored me completely and continued. “We wish you both the best of luck and a happy bonding. You have four hours. Begin.”
In the distance, the T. rex roared loudly.
“I am going to find my pistol and shoot you in the face,” I promised the announcer. Fists balled, knees shaking, it took all my strength not to just fall to the floor and quit life and all its woes. “If I live through this, you won’t, I swear it!”
In the distance, I saw an orange glow flicker atop the hedges.
Smoke rose soon after, then dissipated. It must’ve been Osid already trying to set the hedge on fire.
Perfect, all I had to do is stick to the plan, and I wouldn’t even have to face the dinosaur.
With any luck, the damn thing would just burn to death in the maze.
Harsh, I know, but if it’s me or the T Rex, I’m picking me.
I stepped into the maze and looked both ways just to make sure the pink menace hadn’t somehow found its way to me already.
When the coast was clear, I took out my lighter, flicked the spark wheel, and held it to the glossy green leaves of the hedge.
The small flame engulfed a leaf that refused to burn.
Frustrated, I reached in and pushed a few leaves out of the way to get at the bark of the stem underneath and tried to light that. Nothing.
“Bitch, are you not made of wood, why are you not burning?”
The bush didn’t answer, but the loud speaker did. “Due to the fire incident on floor three, we have taken the liberty of altering today’s simulation to be nonflammable.”
I froze. Flabbergasted. Befuddled. Ain’t no way these dollar-store Furbys suddenly decided to learn from past mistakes and think ahead. I dropped the lighter because I needed both fists free to physically fight the next Biwban I saw. “There was another camera in that honeymoon suite, wasn’t there?”
“We here at the BCI do our best to—”
“No, no, no, no, NO!” I bunched up the side of my dress and tucked it under the belt below my chest, freeing up my legs for better movement.
“Let me find out you penguin-bodied plebeians recorded my alien sex tape. I will remove myself from the census TODAY! I will hurl myself off the map, backflip my way into the jaws of Rosey the Tyrannosaurus over there, and just to waste as much as your funding as possible, I’ll swallow the rest of this motherfucking acid while I do it so the bitch goes and rampages all over your Willy Wonka chocolate factory.
Dory’s kids will come out craving blood and FUCKING PRETZELS! ”
“Subject 12—”
I threw back my head and roared, “BLAIR!”
In the distance, I could hear rustling leaves as something large and heavy-footed moved closer. Refusing to back down from my threat, I entered the maze and headed toward it. “Hey, T. rex, I’m over here!”
“Blair, please be rational. You and your mate have finally begun to show major progress—”
“And every last bit of it is about to go to my grave!”
Osid’s angry voice sounded off in the wind, but it was too far away to make out.
I turned in to a dead end and doubled back where I noticed a beautiful cherry tree in full bloom.
I ran and jumped to snag one of the lower branches and ripped it off.
The hedges had to be at least nine feet tall, and the branch was barely just long enough to reach over it.
Pink blossoms scattered to the floor as I waved it back and forth like a flag as I continued on.
“Keep playing in my face, Biwban. My will to live is fickle on a good day. For the sake of consistency with this planet, bitch, I’m wafflin’, and you nosy motherfuckers just flipped me to the wrong side. ”
I turned another corner only to be hit with another dead end. Stomping my foot, I turned around and ran down another path. My knuckles went pale around the branch as I leapt up and shook it hard over the hedge. “T. rex, get your begonia-colored ass over here and EAT ME!”
The loudspeaker crackled as muffled voices spoke in hushed tones I couldn’t make out. I was about to shoot off another threat to drive my point home, but my titties started glowing. I looked down, confused, before a screen materialized in front of my face. “Oh right, the feather phone.”
“Blair?” Dory’s voice came through, breathless.
“We’ve run into a little resistance, but we’re almost there!
” Behind her, a Sankado launched a spear through the air.
I heard it meet its target with a loud bang before an explosion shook the screen.
Dory shielded her head from the flying sparks.
“Have you two made it to the courtyard yet?”
I was so pissed off about the sex tape I completely forgot the plan. A deep snort echoed through the maze, I slowed my steps and pressed myself against the hedge. “We’re still trapped in the tower. They made the simulation fireproof so we can’t burn it down.”
“What?” Dory’s voice pitched higher. “Shit, now what do we do?”
Chains rattled as branches snapped somewhere close behind me. “Well, whatever we’re doing, we better do it quickly. I may have written a few checks I no longer want to cash.”
She cocked her head to the side. “What does that mean?”
I crept farther away from the noise and abandoned my branch. “They put a T. rex in here.”
Dory gasped, then sputtered out, “Please tell me you’re joking.”
A loud thud shook the ground, followed by an angry snarl. I swallowed down my rising panic to answer her. “Really wish I was.”
The biologist swore. “How are we gonna break you two out of there if we can’t force them to evacuate you?”
A rustle, then another voice cut in—quieter and more hesitant.
“Um. I-I might be able to help.”
Dory turned toward the source. “Whatchu got for us, Misty?”
A hand reached out, and Dory deposited the feather into it.
The screen turned to show the woman I had seen defending that Sankado tied to the basketball hoop.
With her small, hunched posture, and the terrified stutter in her voice, she was the last person I’d expect to come through in a clutch, but I was hardly in a position to nitpick if she was going to save my life.