Chapter 33
THIRTY-THREE
COLBY
The headphones seem heavier today somehow. Kona is at my side, protecting me, keeping me strong. I love my girl, and am so glad she is by my side, but even if she weren’t, I know this is what I have to do. This right here will affect my show as well as my life. But it is long overdue.
“Hey, everyone. Welcome to the Love ’Em or Leave ’Em podcast. I wanted to record a special show today, one that should have been recorded a while ago.
Honestly, maybe even from the beginning.
This show will be unedited, unscripted, and completely from the heart.
Please feel free to skip forward through the heavy sighs and deep breaths. ”
I take a shaky sip of water and clear my throat.
“The question today comes from Colby Jackson from Spring Harbors, Minnesota. ‘Dear Ruby, for years, I’ve been carrying on what some may call a double life. There was never any ill will intended, but there are people who got hurt in the process. People that I care about so deeply, good people, people who don’t deserve this.
And there are also others that I don’t know personally but may feel betrayed. What should I do?’”
I breathe through the turning in my stomach. “Well, friends, I am Colby Jackson. Yes, you heard that right. My name is Colby Jackson, not Ruby Reanne. For those of you who don’t think this is a big deal, that this is just a name change, this goes much deeper than that.”
My hands are trembling. I’ve just done what I’ve been terrified to do all of these years—shown my real identity. I’ve been hiding behind these headphones, double monitor, and microphone for years while running from the pain of loss.
I twist my hands in my lap and continue.
“I was married for seven incredible years to my wife, Amelia. Six years ago, Amelia died suddenly, and it shattered my world. The pain was so sudden, so crushing, so deeply devastating, and I didn’t know how to channel it.
So, I started this podcast as a way to keep her memory alive.
The personality you hear on this show is not mine.
Amelia was lively, and fun, and funny. Colby is introverted, quiet, and honestly sometimes kind of boring. ”
The room isn’t hot and yet sweat needles at the back of my neck. I pick up a notebook and fan my face.
“The stories I’ve told about Amelia are not true.
And the ones that were true were so heavily anecdotal and stretched for truth that they barely count.
I’d read these messages from you all, think of how Amelia would respond to them if she were here, and then I recorded what I thought would be her answers.
In my mind, I justified that it was for your entertainment, and that I tell you all that I’m not a therapist, but deep down, I know damn well this was all for me.
To numb myself. It became a sort of addiction to step into this fantasy space.
I took you all, unknowing victims, along for the ride. ”
Kona shuffles at my feet and I rub behind her ears until my heartbeat slows.
“For those of you who have put your trust into me, to help navigate your relationships, I am so sorry. I have hurt you and broken your trust, and I truly am sorry.”
My lips tremble and I take a deep breath.
“A while ago, I met a woman. An incredible woman. The type of woman that people hope to exist, pretend exists, but she’s so pure and good that you don’t actually think she’s real.
She’s fearless, fun, and opened me up in a way that I didn’t think possible.
This woman gave me hope. Actual hope. After all these years of feeling utterly hopeless, she made me think that maybe there is an alternative universe out there, that maybe my dreams didn’t die along with Amelia.
And in this process, I have lied to and hurt her as well. ”
This feels both so terrible and terrifying, and also the most freeing thing I’ve ever done.
I am officially diving into the ice-cold waters of the deep end and hoping that I will float to the top.
Who knows what will happen after this, but one thing is for sure: I will get to live authentically, and on my own terms, the way I tout about in every episode.
And this time, it’s for me. I am authentically living for Colby Jackson—dog mom, widow, friend, human. Not Ruby Reanne.
“So, friends, as of right now, this is the final episode of the Love ’Em or Leave ’Em podcast, at least as hosted by Ruby Reanne and in the format that we’ve come to know over the years.
I need to take some time and reassess; I need to hear from you, my incredible listeners, address your concerns, and see if this is something that you still want to listen to.
If I come back, I will come back as me—the real Colby, the authentic one, who is struggling through my own heartache while apologizing for the pain I’ve caused to my loved ones.
I am no longer interested in living a lie or living in the past. I am ready to live, truthfully, in reality. ”
I push through the forming tears and sigh.
“And to the one I hurt. You know who you are, but to protect your privacy, I am not using your name. Just know that, even if you never speak to me again, I am so grateful we met. You unlocked a piece of me that I thought was gone forever and gave me the greatest gift I could have imagined—you allowed me to dream again. I will always be indebted to you.”
My heart is splitting, and the tears are flowing, thick and fat and rolling down my cheeks, but everything in me knows that this was the right thing to do.
This is much deeper than trying to win my girlfriend back or apologizing after a fight.
This is saying a sorry to my listeners, to the people who trusted me, and believing that whatever happens after this, I will be okay.
I’m praying to God that it is enough for Josie.
Because I know right now, it’s enough for me.
“All right all, I am signing off today. Maybe forever. It’s been a wonderful ride, and thank you for being on this journey with me. I will miss you all. Colby.”