20. Lyssa
Lyssa
For a moment, time freezes. Benji looks at me like he’s turning an idea over in his head, trying to decide what to do with it.
I tense, my breath catching in my throat.
I’m about to step away from something like terror, humiliation, or a mixture of the two – how bad is the process of starting somewhere new again, really? – but then he’s in my space.
He towers over me, and his hands are on me, but his touch is soft and gentle.
One wraps around my waist, the other winding in my hair, and he pauses for a moment, those dark eyes soft as he peers down at me.
The tip of his nose brushes against mine, his mouth a mere hair’s breadth from mine.
Almost a kiss, but more of a question. And then I remember what he said: Every step is going to be dictated by you.
I take a beat to think. I haven’t done this in ages. I can’t remember the last time it was completely on my own terms. Am I ready for this?
It feels like stepping off a ledge, not quite sure what is on the other side. My heart pounds in my chest, the panic from my past threatening to surge forth.
But when my gaze rises from his lips to his eyes, I see the warmth in them as he waits, patient as ever. In that look, I find all that I need to know. I shove my worries down and answer his question by closing the remaining distance to his mouth.
The second our lips touch, every anxious voice in my mind goes silent. It’s like I’m taking a long overdue breath, filling myself with fresh air, and I give myself over to the kiss entirely.
It’s like Benji can feel what’s going on inside me.
He mirrors my energy, letting the moment pull him in.
His hand tightens on my waist, tugging me against his body.
I shudder at the contact of our bare skin against each other, warm against the cold winter air.
His other hand drops from my hair to my jaw, tilting my chin up to ask for more from the kiss.
It starts soft as we explore each other’s lips, but quickly dissolves to something raw and urgent.
He kisses me like he’s branding me with his mouth, and I answer in turn, stretching up on my tiptoes as I throw my arms around his neck, pulling him down to me just to feel the heat of his mouth on mine. More, more.
I don’t even realize how hard I’m tugging on him until I slip, and we both go careening back into the hot tub. He twists so that he lands first, but we’re both hit with hot splashes of water.
There’s a moment of breathless laughter, and then he locks eyes with me once more.
His hungry look has me biting my lip, and he winds his arm around me readily, hauling me on top of his lap.
I settle across him and lean back in, running my hands through his luscious, dark hair as I kiss him again.
The fact that there’s barely any fabric between us is erotic as hell, and I can feel just how much he enjoys having me on his lap.
I sigh at the strong, hard feel of every inch of him beneath me, and he takes it as an invitation, parting my lips with his tongue. I open for him willingly, relishing in the expert sweep of his tongue against mine.
His fingers dig in at my waist and his thumb grazes lightly over bare hip bone, turning my core molten with desire.
I grind against his lap in response, working to release some of the frustration between my legs, and he tightens his hold, moaning softly against my mouth.
He nips at my bottom lip, tugging lightly with his teeth, then lets go and runs his tongue over the soft hurt.
My head falls back, and he takes the opportunity, skipping my throat to move his mouth down to my shoulder and collarbone, soft lips and warm tongue grazing my skin as he kisses his way across them.
He nuzzles the strap of my swimsuit with his nose, nearly pushing it aside.
I arch my back, pressing my chest closer to him in invitation.
I’m drunk on the feeling he’s giving me.
He murmurs against my skin, his voice dropping to a low, husky tone that instantly becomes the most erotic thing I’ve ever heard.
“I haven’t been able to get you out of my head.
” Another pass of his lips over my bare skin, skimming over the strap of my swimsuit.
He grabs it with his teeth and tugs, sending it snapping softly back against my skin.
“Every night, I imagine the things I can do to make you moan. To make you cry out for me.”
I sigh again, and he continues. “I imagine what it’s like to taste these perfect lips.
” He moves back up to my mouth, tipping my head back for a long, passionate kiss.
It’s deep and devouring, leaving me breathless when his mouth leaves mine to pass back over my shoulder.
He trails his fingers down my top, skimming the bottom and grabbing hold before pausing for a reaction.
I simply raise my arms over my head, encouraging him to continue. A soft sound of approval rumbles deep in his throat, and his hands work swiftly to pull the top over my head as he continues his narration. “I imagine what it’s like to run my hands over your perfect body.”
When it’s off, he leans back for a moment, drinking me in.
Then he does exactly as he said, palming my breasts in his large hands before sweeping his thumbs across each nipple.
I sigh and melt further into him, and he moves his hands to my back, pulling me in close.
He lowers his head, hot breath fanning its way down and over my bare chest.
“To replace my hand with the warm, tight feel of you.”
Good god, the mouth on him. I never knew words could be so damn sexy. I squeeze my eyes shut and try to control my breathing as desire pools low in my belly. The sensations rippling through me are nearly unbearable – the heat of the water, the crisp, cold air, and his hot breath on my bare skin.
When he adds his warm, wet tongue, dragging over an already sensitive nipple, I can’t help but cry out.
I rock my hips against him, harder this time, and hear him curse under his breath.
I can’t help it, though. My every nerve is going haywire at the light touches he’s delivering with his mouth and his fingers. I want it. I want him.
“Please,” I whimper.
He raises his head and meets my gaze, running a thumb over my bottom lip. “Please what, Alyssa?” he murmurs.
The name is like cold ice water. I rear back, my every muscle stiffening.
Alyssa. The name, no matter how softly it’s said, sends memories streaming through my consciousness. I squeeze my eyes shut against them, but it only brings them to the front of my closed lids.
Benji picks up on it instantly, halting his movements, but it doesn’t matter.
He’s no longer the one I’m with. The strong hands holding me are suddenly seconds away from locking me in an iron grip meant to bruise and break.
I need them off of me, and I need to be able to breathe.
As long as I’m trapped here, it feels like a vise has clamped over my lungs.
My previous name never brought about anything good. It was only ever twisted, wielded like a weapon, reminding me of everything I’ve done to deserve the pain.
Alyssa doesn’t exist anymore, can’t exist anymore.
He doesn’t realize he’s trying to resurrect a ghost.
“I need to – to get away,” I rasp, scrabbling for purchase on the slick side of the hot tub. I meet his gaze briefly as I navigate around him, and I wonder what he sees there. I’m sure I look like a caged animal, attempting to flee.
His eyes are wide, and he scans my face, trying to figure out the answer to whatever question I’m giving him.
Another emotion takes root and blossoms in the pit of my stomach: shame.
I blink, feeling hot tears well in my eyes.
Even when I think I’m thousands of miles away from my past, it’s still right here, with me.
“I…” His jaw stiffens, and he glances away, shifting to allow the distance between us to grow. “I’m sorry. I didn’t think.”
I hear his words distantly, but they’re layered under the roaring in my ears.
I rise from the hot tub and reach for the robe, refusing to meet his gaze.
Suddenly, everything that had my body alive with electricity feels painfully exposed, from the goosebumps trailing my arms to the heat pooling between my legs.
I get out and quickly cover myself, stalking inside, but the memories follow me in.
“Enough, Alyssa!”
I can practically hear Austin’s roar following me as I pace through the kitchen, and I flinch at the memory of dishes flying, shattering into a thousand pieces on the tile.
I switch tactics and dart into my room to change into my pajamas, needing to replace the feel of the wet swimsuit with something thick and protective.
It’s useless against the way I’m beginning to tremble, though.
When I return to the living room, I hear the patio door slide open and close again, and know Benji has joined me inside. I wait for him to say something, but after a moment passes, it’s clear he’s waiting for me to be the first to speak.
“Don’t call me that,” I warn him without turning around. “Please.” I hate the way my voice wavers. “I could handle Lyss, or even Lyssa, but…if I never have to hear someone call me by that full name again, it will be too soon.”
I brace myself, waiting for him to explode, to storm out, or to do anything that would make sense. I just cut off the sex tap so abruptly, and I’m sure he’s upset.
Instead, he remains quiet. I turn to find him gazing at me with that soft, assessing expression of his.
I shiver again, and of course, he notices immediately.
He moves across the room to turn on the fireplace without a word.
After a moment, I settle in front of the fireplace with a blanket, picking at the tassels nervously.
Benji moves to the couch, purposefully giving me distance. When he speaks again, his voice is quiet. “I want to take this slow, for you,” he rasps. “I swear, I do. But you are driving me out of my mind.”
I brace myself again and turn to face him, eyes wide.
What does he mean by that? There are far too many men in the world who have never properly learned to deal with their emotions, especially the ones that follow rejection.
A man claiming he’s out of his mind can use that to excuse a lot of things.
But Benji simply places his elbows on his knees as he leans forward.
“I don’t mean this,” he continues, gesturing between us.
“Not physically. Say the word, and we’ll stop right here, right now.
But…I can’t keep playing these mind games without knowing what I’m getting into.
It’s confusing me, and it’s hurting you.
” He levels me with a pointed, borderline desperate stare.
“The truth, little fighter. I need it now, or nothing at all.”