36. Lyssa
Lyssa
Iwake up to the soft vibration of my phone going off.
My phone is normally set to sleep, but I must have completely overslept that mode.
I know I can blame it on the dark-haired space heater in bed with me, since he got back late from his game, and I kept him up even later.
Even the memory of what happened last night has me growing warm, and I glance over to where he’s still sleeping peacefully.
His expression is soft with sleep, his mouth slightly parted.
His hair, which was still wet from his shower last night, has dried into unruly curls.
I resist the urge to reach over and stroke it away from his forehead, not wanting to wake him.
Another buzz from my phone snatches my attention away from him.
I stretch across the bed to snag it from my nightstand, scrolling through the notifications.
They’re all from Andi – unsurprising, since she tends to text sporadic thoughts in quick succession, rather than one long text.
My heart begins to pound as I read through them.
Andi: GIRL
Andi: Check this out!!! Article: Golden Boy Back in Action
Andi: Ur boi is first page news!!!
Andi: And from the looks of it, so are you ??
Andi: Is this a good thing or a bad thing?? Lmk
Andi: I’m here for you if you wanna talk ??
I click into the article. It leads with two images: one of Benji in his Chill jersey, presumably taken last night during the game.
He’s mid-turn, ice spraying everywhere in the perfect action shot.
The other is a photo of us, walking hand in hand, and I can tell it was taken right as we walked into the rink the other night.
My heart goes from pounding to full-on galloping as I realize that my face is on full display, paired with a headline that has me feeling faint.
Rising hockey superstar makes debut in professional and romantic life!
Benjamin Estes, who has long been known as one of the Minnesota “Golden Boys” alongside his late brother, Jacob Estes, made his debut with the Minnesota Chill last night.
It brought a moment of nostalgia for many hockey fans, who remember his brother, Jake, and his climb to the same team, before his untimely death almost a year ago.
It was speculated that Benjamin may not continue his hockey career, but it appears he is back and better than ever – complete with a new romantic partner!
He was spotted entering the rink for his first NHL game with a mystery woman on his arm.
Cameras caught the pair sharing a kiss, sparking speculation about the young hockey star’s love life.
He then went on to get two assists in his debut game, indicating early promise as a permanent member of the team.
We haven’t been able to reach him for comment, but fans are buzzing about his future with the Minnesota Chill and, just as importantly, who the mystery woman on his arm might be.
My mouth feels dry, and I lower my phone, unable to read any further.
Somehow, I didn’t put the pieces together last night, when the crowd had gathered, eager for Benji’s commentary.
I thought they may try to quote him in some article, and he hadn’t even said anything, but to plaster photos across the internet…
God, how far could these reach? A reverse image search is easy. These could get back to him. And who knows what else these reporters could dig up. They’re clearly thirsty for any information they can uncover. What if they dig deep enough to find –
“What time is it?”
Benji’s voice breaks through the blood pounding in my ears. I jolt and glance over at him. He’s blinking, clearly still half-asleep, but whatever he sees in my face has him wide awake in seconds.
“What’s wrong?”
I hand him my phone wordlessly, and he takes it, glancing down at the screen. His brow furrows as he reads the article, and by the time he’s finished, he’s sitting upright in bed, the blankets pooling around his waist.
“I can’t believe…” he trails off, turning his gaze on me. “Are you okay?”
I shake my head, the panic bubbling up to a breaking point. “What if they find out, Benji?” My voice cracks on the question. Winston raises his head off his bed, sensing the fear in my tone. “What if they find out who I really am?”
“They won’t. I won’t breathe a word.”
“But there are still ways, Benji. It’s what they do for a living.
” My palms are sweating, and I clutch at the blanket, using it like a thin layer of protection.
Winny has padded over to the side of the bed now, his chin resting on the mattress, ears back and eyes wide as he observes me. “It’s only a matter of time.”
“Then we deal with it. Whatever happens, I’m here for you.” Benji drops the phone and reaches for me. “You’re my girlfriend, and this changes nothing.”
“It changes everything! What if – what if he –” My voice cracks, and I'm unable to finish the sentence.
I can see the moment realization dawns on him, rearranging his expression. “If he finds you, I’ll be here.” He says the words slowly, his voice thick and low. “I won’t let him hurt you. I promise.”
“It’s not just that. It’s…”
“What is it, L?” His gaze is bright and intense, begging in a way his words can’t reach. “What…what aren’t you telling me?”
I shake my head, and Winston jumps on the bed, shoving his nose underneath my hand. Tears well up in my eyes at the small support, the probing question, and the memory that’s been haunting me for weeks, repeating itself in the back of my mind even now.
I inhale sharply. “I can’t.”
“Please.” A quiet plea. “Whatever you’re facing, you don’t have to face it alone. Please tell me.”
I know I have to. I didn’t want to; I never wanted to have to share this memory, the darkest part of me, but…I know deep down that it’s going to come out eventually. Benji is asking now, and I have to answer him. I can't ice him out of this piece of my past forever.
A vice clamps around my throat, and it takes several moments to free the words. “He got hurt. Because of me.”
I can’t look at Benji, but I can feel the weight of his gaze as he looks at me. “Austin?”
“No.” I exhale a shuddering breath, barely able to say his name. “His brother. Ethan.”
It’s silent, and when I’m finally able to venture a glance over at Benji, I can see the confusion written all over his face. He’s waiting for me to continue, but he has questions. I wrap the blanket in my hands, bracing to choke the words out.
“He…he saw what Austin was doing. He was trying to help me get away. Austin and I were arguing, and he tried to split it up. He pulled me off the balcony, back inside, and confronted Austin. The balcony broke, and…” I blink rapidly, and the tears fall freely, racing down my cheeks.
“He and Austin both fell. Austin broke an arm, but Ethan hit his head. H – he was in a coma for a week.”
I brush the tears away, though they’re quickly replaced by fresh ones.
Winston nuzzles at me, but I ignore him this time.
“It was all over the news. He pressed charges against Austin, and that’s when I got my restraining order.
His wife, Patty, told me to get out. That it would be my only chance.
” I sniffle. “I knew I had to listen, after what Ethan did to help me.”
I don’t voice the part that still guts me the most to this day.
The way Patty looked at me after realizing what had happened.
The way she said to get out. I’m still not sure if it was from a place of pity or anger, and to be honest, I’m not sure which is worse: the idea of her being scared for me, or hating me for what I allowed Austin to do.
I look at Benji, but he’s almost completely blurred by the tears swarming my vision. “He was Austin’s own brother, and still, he came to help me. And look what Austin did to him! I can’t bear anything happening to you.”
I’m met with silence. I’ve grown so used to Benji’s quiet side – his patience while he waits for me to open up, his long pauses while he absorbs information – and it’s been one of the things that makes me so comfortable with him.
This silence, though? It physically hurts.
I can’t imagine what he thinks of me right now.
I was so weak back then. I had been cowardly and unable to leave on my own.
It took someone going to a hospital and policemen asking questions right to my face to get me to leave.
If I had just been able to leave the first time I tried; if I had been smarter, or stronger, none of that would have happened. Nobody else would have been hurt.
I can’t let that happen a second time.
Finally, Benji speaks. “None of that is your fault, little fighter.” Before I can interject, he continues. “Blame Austin; hell, blame the shitty balcony. But whatever you do, you can’t blame yourself.”
“Yes, I can!” I shout, balling my hands into fists.
“Would you blame Jake for his stalker?” Benji asks.
I blink, confused by the turn in conversation. “What? No –”
“He had as much control over his stalker as you had over Austin.” Benji interrupts me, his tone firm.
“They are both terrible people who did terrible things, in the name of what they saw in their heads as a fucked-up version of love. But you and I know that’s not love.
Their version of it is what gets people hurt… or worse.”
“But then, don’t you see?” My voice is nothing more than a whisper. “I can’t let you be dragged into this, any more than you already have been.”
Benji’s lips curl up into a sad smile. “That ship has sailed. I’m in it for the long haul.”
I look at him, alarmed. Doesn’t he understand what I just said? I’m giving him an out here, and if he was smart, he would take it and run. I don’t want him to feel like he’s stuck in this situation with me.
I whip the covers off and get out of bed, needing to move and quell the uneasy energy building in me. As I tug on a pair of pants, he moves off the bed to mirror me.
“I’m serious, little fighter. We’ll deal with this together. I won’t let him hurt you, L.”
“It’s not just that I’m worried about!” I say, exasperated, even as my heart tugs at his protective words. I pull on a shirt and gesture between us. “Why don’t you understand? I don’t want him to hurt you, either. This is my problem to solve, and mine alone.”
Benji frowns. “He can’t hurt me. And I won’t let him hurt you. What about that can’t you understand? You don’t have to deal with this alone. I’m here for you. I love you.”
Those three words are a bomb dropped between us.
My mouth falls open. I feel knocked sideways with surprise, and then a rush of joy floods through me. That sideways feeling turns into one of me falling forward, into him. Don’t I feel the same?
I jerk myself back to reality.
Those three words have never been anything but a weapon.
He said it himself; people twist those feelings to meet their own selfish needs, and hurt people in the process.
The fact that he’s using them in the middle of an argument says it all, and that realization makes my chest squeeze painfully.
“You can’t say that. You don’t mean it. You barely know me! ”
“But I do know you.” He prowls closer. “I know you bite your lip when you’re stressed. I know you snort when you laugh. I know you have to read every fact on a sign. I know you love Winston more than anything, and I’m happy to take second place to him.”
“Stop,” I plead, but he keeps going.
“And I know how I feel. Before you, I was in a dark place. Meeting you…” He blows out a breath. “When you came into my life, I don’t know. It was like the lights came on.”
I felt the same way.
It’s what I want to say, but I’m frozen. This conversation is entirely too much right now, and I’m torn between believing all the beautiful things he’s saying to me, and the fear that it’s just a way to keep me from running. Maybe I’m even afraid that the things he’s saying to me are the truth.
“What do you want me to say right now?” I plead.
“I’m not asking you to say it back right now. All I ask is that if you’re going to give your heart to someone again, you pick me. Choose me.”
“I – can’t do that.” I hate the way my voice trembles, and I lower it to a whisper. “I can’t have you hurt, too.”
Benji levels me with a somber stare. “You’re hurting me right now.”
It’s on the tip of my tongue to apologize, but I can’t. I’m not. I know this is for the best.
For a long moment, we gaze at each other, neither of us saying a word. It’s clear we aren’t going to change each other’s minds, but the final fallout hasn’t occurred yet.
Finally, Winston whines, and the moment is shattered. Benji shakes his head and, with one more long look at me, leaves the apartment. He doesn’t say another word.