Chapter Sixteen
Keaton
I CE AND I went out two weeks ago and it was the best first date I could have imagined.
I wasn’t lying when I said I’d never ridden a horse before and I truly enjoyed myself.
I’ve always wanted to ride, but never had the time once I started to focus on my music and I got signed.
Ice made a dream of mine come true and he doesn’t even realize how much it means to me.
This is one of the main reasons I wanted to have a different name and persona when I’m working.
I want everyone to treat me like a normal person when I’m not on tour or at some media thing.
It’s freeing to know I can come home and be myself without having to hide or disguise myself just to get gas or groceries.
I can go out to eat and meet a man who wants to get to know me for me and not the fame that comes with my Ruby persona.
Since then, Ice and I have talked every day on the phone and he’s come over to my house for dinner twice.
We ate, watched movies, and continued getting to know one another.
He’s helped me with Bridger when he’s awake and I appreciate the help more than I’ll ever be able to express to him.
Being a single parent is a lot harder than I ever thought it would be and my respect for Nora has raised infinitely because she was a single parent even with Dillon in her life.
Now, I’ll continue raising her son as if he were my own and I’ll make sure he knows exactly who Nora is and what a special person she was.
The good thing about talking with Ice through messages or on the phone is that we’re truly getting to know one another and it’s not all about sex.
Yes, I want to have sex with him, but it’s not the main focus of whatever is starting between the two of us.
It kind of takes the pressure off of us if I’m being honest. I won’t say we haven’t kissed and touched one another when he’s been here because that would be a lie.
It just hasn’t gone very far between us.
Ice is a man who can set my entire body on fire with one touch and I can never get enough of him when we’re close.
He always finds small ways to touch me. The first night he came over, we cooked dinner together and he would brush against my arm, rest a hand on my hip when he was reaching over me, or stand so close our bodies were touching.
Those small touches that appear so innocent made my heart race and a longing started to burn deep inside me that I’ve never experienced before.
Memphis left a few days after my first date with Ice.
He waited up for me that night and talked about things because he knew how nervous I was.
I think Memphis is happy for me, but he warned me to be careful and think about telling Ice the truth about the other part of my life.
Ice has the right to know I’m Ruby, but I don’t know if I’m ready to open that can of worms. I want to be sure we’re doing this for the right reasons and not because I’m some famous performer who enjoys the spotlight and fame that comes with my job.
Yes, I love singing and songwriting, but at the end of the day it’s just my work.
It doesn’t define who I am as a person. That’s what makes me so scared to tell Ice the truth.
Fame changes people and I don’t want it to change what’s going on between us.
Camden didn’t say a word to me after the initial brief conversation we had when I saw him at my home.
He remained in the basement guest room until they left.
Yes, he continued to follow Memphis and me whenever we left the house, but I simply ignored him.
I can say I’m over him because my heart no longer hurts when I see him or think of the time we spent together.
Time I’ve been analyzing almost daily in an attempt to figure out how much of our outings were real and what parts were staged for paparazzi or fans.
Camden is such a good actor, I honestly can’t tell when he was playing his part and when he was truly with me in the moment.
My mom and dad will be home soon. They plan on coming over the second they land to spend time with Bridger and me.
Mom has already asked if I’ll take them to Nora’s grave and I agreed.
No, I’m not ready to go back there because it will only point out that she’s once again never coming back in my life.
I’ll never hear the amazing advice she gave me when I needed her the most, see her smile that always lit up the world around her, or feel the love she gives to those she cares about.
Nora has left a gaping hole in my heart and life that will never be filled.
Ice understands it and goes out of his way to make me laugh.
I remember the last conversation we had about Nora when he was sitting on my couch with me.
Ice and I finish eating dinner and clean up the kitchen together before moving to the living room where I hand him the remote for my TV so he can choose a movie for the night.
I chose the last time he was here and told him it was his turn.
Honestly, I’ve had a long day and don’t want to make any more decisions if I don’t have to.
Ice picked some action movie he’s been waiting to watch before settling in against the couch and wrapping his arm around my shoulders to pull me closer to his body.
“I’ve been thinkin’ about the talk we had on the farm,” Ice says suddenly, not taking his eyes from the TV as I look up at him.
“I get why you don’t feel like you can have fun, laugh, or anythin’ like that since Nora was killed.
I honestly felt the same way when I lost my grandparents.
They always made me feel better and laugh.
Knowin’ they’ll never get to do that again made me feel like I didn’t deserve to enjoy my life any longer.
I might not know much, but I can tell by the way you talk how close Nora and you were.
You had a bond with her that will remain in your soul for the rest of your life.
It’s almost the same way Ruby looked at her the night at the festival.
I’m not sure how the two of them know one another, but I can imagine it’s nothin’ compared to how much you loved her.
“Anyway, I don’t think Nora would want you to live the rest of your life without lovin’ every single second of it.
She’d want you to laugh, celebrate the milestones you achieve, teach her son that it’s okay to miss her while still livin’ your life the way she’d want you to.
Nora would more than likely see it as a way for you to honor every memory you made with her over the years.
Don’t close yourself off from the world or laughin’ and lovin’ because she can’t do that again.
I’ll do whatever I can to help you get through this, Keaton.
Call me when you’re havin’ a bad day and I’ll make you see it’s okay to laugh.
To smile. You have the most beautiful smile in the world and you’re deprivin’ everyone by holdin’ back.
Do you know you have different smiles?” Ice questions me as I sit up so I can look at him better.
“I know Nora would want me to live my life happy and full of love. It’s how she tried to live every single day.
She used to love laughing and smiling and found humor in almost every situation.
Even when she was at her lowest, she’d make me laugh and realize I was too deep in my head and needed to be pulled back out again.
I know I have to smile, laugh, and live my life the way she’d want me to.
It’s the only way I’ll truly be able to honor her and all the memories we made over the years.
My heart hurts too much for me to allow it to happen, though.
It feels like I’m betraying her if I’m able to laugh and smile so soon after watching her die in my arms. What do you mean I have different smiles?
I only have one smile,” I return, trying to think of what Ice could be saying.
“You have this smile when you’re shy. While you duck your head or let your hair fall over your face, the side of your mouth quirks up in a smile and your eyes crinkle more than normal.
Then there’s a fake smile you paste on your face when you’re in public and someone compliments you.
I saw it when we ran into one another at the store yesterday.
When you truly allow yourself to smile, your entire face lights up and your eyes crinkle just the slightest bit.
Your eyes shine bright and I can see the pure joy radiating from you.
Those are the smiles I’ve seen so far and I’m sure you have more than that given the right situation.
Keaton, I want to see every single one of your smiles while makin’ you remember that it’s okay to have fun in that moment.
I want to hear your laugh because what I’ve heard so far makes my heart beat a little bit faster than normal,” Ice tells me as I feel tears start to form in my eyes because no one has ever said anything like that to me before.
With Ice, I don’t think it’s something he’s saying just to give me pretty words or lie to me.
It’s his truth about me and what he sees.
I’m honestly speechless as I lean forward and press my lips against his.
Ice doesn’t deepen the kiss, letting me take the lead as I place a hand on the side of his neck and tilt my head before sliding my tongue along the seam of his lips.
Ice immediately opens his mouth and our kiss deepens as he places one hand on either side of my face in a gentle touch.
We forget all about the movie as I try to show him how much his words mean to me.