Chapter 12
“Look how beautiful these cookies are!” Amy said as she admired the gingerbread men they’d individually wrapped and the molasses cookies that Lucas had baked, allowed to cool, and then dipped in white chocolate with his siblings.
“We can sell these at a bakeshop or something,” Jones said, admiring the bagged gingerbread men.
He had closed the end and put the ribbon around it. Amy would have messed that up, but she could get the gingerbread man in without breaking him. The kids had been a huge help, and they eagerly stood around watching as Amy and Jones admired their handiwork.
There was still sadness, and she knew that there were going to be more tears, but it had been a good idea to go ahead and continue with what they had planned. Kids were different than adults, although she thought grief came in waves for everyone. That’s how it had been for her with her dad. One second, she was perfectly fine, and the next second, she’d been hit with a wave of grief so hard she was crying before she knew what happened. And then, without rhyme or reason, it was over and she was fine again.
“So are we ready to go?” she asked, looking around at the kids, who nodded eagerly, before she glanced at Jones.
“We’ll have to take your car, because I think the cookies will fit better in your trunk, and the kids can all fit in the back.”
“That’s fine. You want to go get it? ”
She had just asked that when the door opened, and she glanced up.
Her sister, Isadora, a baby on one hip, pregnant stomach protruding, and another toddler holding her hand, pushed through.
“Isadora!” Amy said, running to the door to open it and to take Landon off her hip.
“I’m sorry. I know that this is the worst possible time. Gilbert is going through things, and it’s almost Christmas, and I’m sorry,” she said, tears running down her face, as she gladly handed Landon off to Amy.
“I’ll tell you what. You stay here with Isadora, the kids and I will go deliver cookies. We won’t have to switch vehicles that way. We’ll do the visiting. Okay?” Jones said as he came over, putting a hand on Amy’s shoulder. He knew immediately what was going on, because he knew that Isadora had been having issues with her husband, and this had to be related to that.
“Thank you,” she breathed, looking up at him, with such relief and appreciation in her heart she could hardly contain herself. Isadora needed her. She wished she could have been there more for her, but no one had really realized what was going on until earlier in the week.
“No. Whatever you’re doing, you don’t have to stop,” Isadora said, swiping at her face and waving a tear off as another one rolled down immediately and took its place.
“I’m sure you’re fine, but I’m going to be here for you anyway. Mom’s with Gilbert, and Jones can take care of the visiting.”
“The kids are going to have a good time. We’ve got some beautiful cookies to deliver,” Jones said easily. Then he looked at Amy. “I’ll text you before I go to horse therapy, to see if you want to come.”
“Perfect. I’ll be in touch,” she said, figuring that she would text Jones as soon as she was done talking to Isadora, unless there was more to do. And there probably was. After all, someone was going to have to take care of the little ones, but thankfully there was food in the refrigerator and more had come in earlier. Who had known that they would be needing it so much?
Landon grabbed a hold of her hair and pulled, but Amy ignored the pain.
“Do you need help carrying the cookies out?” she asked as Isadora came over and started taking Jasper’s coat off, wiping her eyes and sniffling as she did so.
“I can help!” Lucas said, stepping forward eagerly.
“You’ve done an excellent job today. I trust you to carry the cookies. Which ones do you want?” And Jones took it from there.
Amy could have kissed him, and the thought didn’t even make her shudder and wonder what was wrong with her, why she would be wanting to kiss her best friend. The idea wasn’t...terrible. In fact, it might have been kind of...nice.
But maybe it was an idea she had to get used to. She had Landon’s coat off, which was no small feat since Landon had not started walking yet so she had to sit him down on the floor, and pull it off, and then make sure he didn’t crawl away and get into something while she was hanging it up.
She came back and grabbed him just before he toppled the garbage can.
He was fast. She couldn’t imagine trying to take care of such a speedy little guy and nurse a broken heart, pregnant at the same time.
“I’m so sorry that you missed visitation and whatever else you and Jones were doing,” Isadora said as she sniffed, walking over to the counter and grabbing a tissue out of the box, still keeping one eye on Jasper, who was two, almost three, but still needed to be watched so that he didn’t get into anything he wasn’t supposed to. “But Jones is such a great friend. He’s always picking up for you, or you’re picking up for him. I’ve never seen two people who flowed together the way you two do, and yet you’re water and oil. ”
That was kind of nice, but water and oil didn’t mix? She wanted to ask Isadora exactly what she meant by that.
“Actually, that’s a really great analogy, because you guys don’t mix. You don’t lose your identities, but you flow together perfectly.” Her voice trailed off, and then her eyes filled with tears again, and she leaned her head back, as though trying to stop herself. “He told me yesterday that he was going to come back. We could work things out, he loved me, and that he wanted the children, and then... She must have called him overnight, because this morning, I woke up and he was packing suitcases.”
“He’s a jerk. He is such a jerk,” Amy said, wanting to say stronger words. Surely it was okay to use stronger words when a person was talking about someone who would leave his pregnant wife and two small children.
“I know. I know he is. He was never very considerate, and I always ended up doing the lion’s share for everything, and... I just wanted my marriage to work. You know? Like if I put enough time and effort into it, I could make it work all by myself, when I knew very well that it takes two.”
“Well, it might have worked. If he hadn’t cheated. It’s not a fun way to live, but when you have to keep your vows, you do what you need to do.”
“Yeah. That’s exactly right.”
Amy didn’t know what Isadora had been through, but she knew that Isadora was as faithful as a person could be. That even after her husband cheated on her, Isadora would have stayed with him, just because her vows meant something to her, and having a home with a mom and dad in it for her children was paramount. More important than anything.
Amy set Landon down by the toy box and went over, putting her arms around Isadora, and just held her while she sobbed .
She kept an eye on Landon and Jasper, making sure they didn’t get into anything that would hurt them, while she held their mom. Her sobs crescendoed, then slowly subsided.
“Do you want to talk?” Amy asked, not knowing how she would feel in this situation. Would she want to talk and get it off her chest? Or would she want to hide in a cave somewhere? Would she want to fix everything right away? Move out and start a new life or figure out how she could get things set up so she felt like she was in control?
“I think it would make me feel better. I’ve been by myself for so long.”
“He didn’t really want you to see us, did he?” Amy asked, hesitantly, because she was not a hundred-percent sure about that, but it did seem like Clyde had deliberately tried to keep Isadora away from everyone in her family.
“He preferred not. And I just wanted to make him happy. I took care of the kids, but it felt like I was a single mom, because he continued to do all the things that he had done before we were married, before we had children, before...before.”
She moved to the couch and sat down on the edge of it, her elbows on her knees, her head in her hands.
Amy sat down beside her, putting her arm around her and allowing her to lean into her if she chose.
“I just feel like such a fool!”
“I think everyone was deceived by Clyde. He’s a very smooth talker. And the woman that he’s with now must be deceived by him. Does she even know that Clyde has a family? Children?”
“I don’t know. I don’t even know who it is. He wouldn’t tell me.”
Amy wondered whether she should tell her sister that she had seen a picture on social media with Clyde and another woman the day before. She wasn’t on social media much, and when she’d seen that, she clicked it back off.
She didn’t remember where she’d seen it.
“It probably doesn’t matter. I guess. I just... I feel worthless, you know? Like I’m a broodmare, and he doesn’t even want my babies anymore.”
“That’s on him. That’s a character thing on him. And no. You’re beautiful, athletic, and happy, but more than the outside, you have character. You have loyalty. You have the ability to make promises and keep them. You have the ability to tell yourself no and do the right thing, even when it’s hard. Even when you want to do something else.”
Amy thought again about how she had wanted to use foul language describing Clyde, but she hadn’t allowed herself to do it. It was those little things. The little things where a person controlled their language, controlled their thoughts, they controlled what time they get up in the morning, and that translated into being able to control oneself for the bigger things. When you were tempted to stray from your marriage, when you were tempted to cheat or to lie.
That, and depending on the Lord to help you, doing things in His strength rather than your own.
“I appreciate your kind words. I don’t feel very appealing right now at the moment. It doesn’t help that I’m pregnant, and I feel clumsy and stupid, stupid, stupid for believing him when he said he wanted to have a lot of children and close together so that they could all be best friends growing up.”
She started to cry again, and Amy put her arm around her. Wishing there was something she could do to help.
“Do you mind watching the kids for a little bit? I just want to go lie down and curl up on the bed in the dark and be alone.”
Her voice sounded so defeated, so hopeless, so exhausted, that Amy couldn’t do anything but agree.
“The kids will be fine. I’ll take care of them. Just give me a few ideas of where they’re at. Landon has gotten a lot faster since the last time I saw him. ”
That made Isadora laugh a little, through her tears, and she said, “Yeah. He’ll take anything and put it in his mouth, so you have to watch that. And Jasper’s really good at helping to keep an eye on him. They both take naps in the afternoon, usually around one, and sometimes Landon still takes a morning nap, but if he doesn’t get up before nine, I try not to let him take a nap because he won’t sleep in the afternoon.”
“All right. I think I have it. You take all the time you need. If you want to go to my house where you can have some privacy, you can do that. Or whatever. If you end up there, just let me know, and I’ll bunk down here or do something. I’ll be around to feed the dogs, but I don’t need to go into the house.”
She thought about all the things that she and Jones were planning and wondered if she could manage to do everything without even being in her house, and where were they going to live after they were married?
There were so many questions in her own life, and now this with her sister, and she tried to steel her mind, to relax in God’s provision and care. He had this all arranged, He knew exactly what was going to happen, and she didn’t need to get excited about it. She didn’t need to get worried, and she didn’t need to get flustered.
She didn’t need to get angry either, but she kind of figured that even God would get angry at what Clyde had done.
“Could I really go to your house? I would love just to be alone. Just alone,” Isadora said, and Amy was heartbroken. Isadora had been such a vivacious, cheerful, happy teen. And she’d made one bad choice. Just one. And it had broken her.
“Of course. Spend as much time as you need to there.”
“All right. I’m going to take the car seats out of my car, just in case you need to take them anywhere.”
Amy didn’t bother to tell her that she didn’t have a vehicle, since her mom was gone and she had ridden in with Jones. But she supposed someone would be back, and the car seats would fit in anyone’s car.
“All right. I appreciate it. Just set them on the driveway, and when I put the kids down for their naps, I’ll go out and get them and bring them in.”
“Thank you so much. I appreciate it.”
“No problem. If there’s anything I can do, anything at all, just let me know. We’ve got plenty of food here, but I’m guessing you’re probably not hungry.” She knew that she probably wouldn’t be able to eat. Even though there weren’t too many times in her life where she’d been that upset. But having her husband cheat on her and then pack a suitcase as she’s pregnant, with two small children running around, yeah. That would probably throw anyone off their appetite.
“You’re right. I don’t have any interest in food at all. Thank you.” And for some reason, that made Isadora’s eyes fill up with tears again as she stood from the couch and wrapped her arms around Amy who stood with her. “I’m so sorry. I want to be a good mom, I want to be able to parent my children, but this pain, it’s just so crushing,” she said, her voice sounding like it hurt to even talk.
“Give yourself some time. You’re going to be a good mom. But the pain is inhibiting, and you just need to give yourself a little bit of time, to let the sharpness of the pain wear off, and you will be a good mom. You will. But you had such a huge blow. You need to give your body and your emotions a little bit of time to at least come to grips with this.” Amy gave a gentle smile, pulling back and trying to get Isadora to meet her eyes. “If you had a broken leg, you wouldn’t expect to walk on it right away? Right?”
Isadora swiped her eyes, nodding.
“It’s the same thing here. You need time. You might have to live broken, but you don’t have to do it today.”
“Thank you. Thank you so much,” Isadora said, and then she kissed each of her little boys. Landon swiped her face with his chubby hands but didn’t protest when she set him back down. But Jasper tried to cling to his mom, seeming to realize that she was going to be leaving him, and he already had his little world interrupted and turned upside down.
“Jasper, it’s okay. It’s Aunt Amy. We’re going to play some, and then I bet you’re hungry. We made cookies today, and a cookie might be just the thing,” she said, thinking that if they were her kids, she would be perfectly happy with anyone feeding them anything at all if it made them happy. Maybe tomorrow, when things weren’t so dire, would be time to be a little bit more strict about junk food, but today, bribes seemed to be in order.
Jasper didn’t seem the slightest bit interested in a bribe and held his hands out for his mom who walked out the door.
She was back in just a moment later and said, “Here’s the baby bags. I’m sorry. There’s sippy cups and snacks and diapers and stuff like that in there.” She let out a big sigh, like it had been all she could do to carry the diaper bags in.
“Go lie down. Take care of yourself. I’ll text you with updates, but don’t feel like you need to respond. If I have any questions, I’ll ask. Otherwise, just focus on you for now.”
She didn’t know what else to say to her. Didn’t know what else to do. How else to help. Other than what she was doing.
“Thank you,” Isadora said, once more walking out.
By now, Jasper was crying, almost inconsolably, and Landon, seeing his brother cry, had started to cry too. She was tired. They’d been up early after sleeping very little, after watching her sister-in-law die and her nephews and nieces lose their mother, and she felt a little bit like crying herself.
She could do this. She’d offered help, and she would do her best. She just had to try to figure out what she was going to do. Probably first, she should figure out how to get the kids to stop crying.