TWENTY-FIVE
HAYLEY SAT IN HER APARTMENT ALONE with her mother’s faded letters, her hands trembling.
The moment she’d found them, the truth of Hayley’s loss had risen up and swallowed her all over again.
The knot in her chest only tightened as she stared at the familiar script, unable to bring herself to break the envelopes’ seals.
She wasn’t sure she was ready to face her mother’s voice again, laid out in ink as it was.
Tearing them open now, after all these years, felt like exposing an old wound, one she feared she might not be able to heal from a second time.
The city outside lay silent in the dead of night.
A single lamp in the corner cast a soft, lonely glow over her living room.
Hayley’s thoughts spun with mounting anxiety as she delicately unfolded the first letter.
The parchment in her hands felt impossibly fragile, as if her mother had left behind one final whisper for her to hold.
My Darling Hayley,
I’m so glad you’re finally here.
I wish I had the words to describe what I felt this morning when the doctor placed you in my arms for the very first time.
It was like holding my own heart outside my body, terrifying and exhilarating all at once.
I hope you are blessed enough one day to hold a child of your own.
Only then, I think, would you understand how deep my love for you already goes.
I hope this letter is the first of many, so that one day you might look back over the years of your life and see them through my eyes. Since you have only been in this world with us for a handful of hours, this one will be brief.
You’re sleeping soundly beside me now, peaceful and warm, your tiny toes already running in your dreams. I keep waiting for you to open those bold, bright eyes again, to let loose your powerful little voice and wake up the whole hospital.
The truth, Hayley, is this—you are perfect. You, my fierce, precious babygirl, are a storm gathering strength, a force that will move mountains. I saw the fire in your eyes from your very first breath.
You’re stirring now, and I find myself reaching for you. So I will end my first letter with this…
I love you so much, my beautiful daughter. You and your brother will forever be my greatest treasures, my entire universe.
All my love,
Mom
Hayley’s limbs felt heavy, as if she had turned to stone.
She couldn’t manage to lift her hands or wipe the tears that now dotted the page.
It had been so long since she’d allowed herself to feel the sharp, jagged edge of the hole her mom had left behind.
She tried not to collapse under the crushing weight of an entire life spent balancing grief with survival.
She had clung instead to only the soft, golden details—her mom’s beauty, her voice, her gentle touch—fearing that if she indulged in the sadness too much, it would wash out all the joy.
Now, after only one letter, all of Hayley’s scars had reopened. It hurt in a way she could barely breathe through, but there was no stopping now. She had to keep going.
September 13, 1994
My Darling Hayley,
How are you already one?
This letter listed Hayley’s early milestones. Her mother wrote about them in a way that made even the smallest accomplishments sound outlandishly impressive. Every tiny victory had been celebrated with the gusto of the Olympic Games.
Hayley traced the ink with her finger as she read about the day she’d learned to clap her hands, her first perfect utterance of the word “mama,” and the quiet afternoon when she had wobbled her way through her first steps.
An entire page had been dedicated to a story about a trip to a grocery store with her older brother.
Apparently, Jonathan, only a toddler at the time, had gotten a little overprotective when a stranger got too close to Hayley’s stroller, letting out a bloodcurdling war cry that had alerted every person in the store.
The “stranger” had turned out to be their dad, the first—and only—time he ever shaved his mustache.
Reading it, Hayley could almost hear her mom’s faint, warm laughter echoing through the room.
Each year brought a new installment, every letter filled with new firsts—her first friend, her first lost tooth, each first day of school.
She collected the memories like pieces of a past she had misplaced, laughing and crying alongside her mother.
Just as her dad had said, there was a letter for every year of Hayley’s life without fail, right up until her fifteenth birthday.
September 13, 2008
My Darling Hayley,
Another year has flown by, and what a year it has been.
I find myself thinking a lot recently about how quickly everything has changed.
It feels like only yesterday that you were learning to walk, and now you’ve just begun your sophomore year of high school.
I look at you and see a young woman where my little girl used to be.
I can still picture you, your tiny hands clenched tight around the handle of that little red wagon, pushing it as if the whole world depended on you.
Time, as they say, is a thief. I can’t breathe from the pride and the terror of watching you grow up.
You finished your freshman year with straight A’s in every class, a surprise to none of us.
But high school wasn’t always kind to you.
The drama with your friends, the whispers in the hallways, the bullying from all those idiots who couldn’t accept you for being true to yourself—it’s all made your life so much heavier than it should be.
In spite of it all, you let me in. You trusted me with your truth, and you let me help you carry it.
That means more to me than you will ever know.
I am so proud of you, Hayley. Not just for the person you are, but for the way you navigate this cruel world with tenacity.
You don’t let anyone dim your fire, and it’s one of the things I admire most about you.
You had your first kiss, after coming out under a year ago, a memory that I hope you will cherish forever, even if it didn’t end the way you had dreamed.
But you liked Sally, and I’m so proud of you for going after what you wanted.
She was your first girlfriend, and watching all the joy and excitement that first love brought you was everything to me.
It shatters my heart to see how much you’ve been hurting.
I wish I could take the pain away from you.
But my darling girl, this is not the end.
It is only the beginning. One day, you will find the person who makes you feel the way I do about your dad, and you won’t even remember the heartbreak before her.
With her by your side, you’ll feel like you can take on the world.
You’ll be able to crumble, knowing she will always be there to pick up the pieces.
She will celebrate your wins, hold you during your losses, and send butterflies soaring through your chest every time you hear her voice.
You'll know when you’ve found her. She will be your constant, and in her arms, you will feel safe.
The love you share will be eternal, endless, and know no bounds.
It’ll stretch far beyond anything you can imagine right now.
She’ll be worth every tear along the way, and life will feel like it finally makes sense.
The pain you’re feeling now is simply the price of admission, darling.
But I promise you will claw your way through it every time, just like you are now. You are much stronger than you realize.
When the days feel dark, just remember to keep moving. Trust that the light will return. Risking your heart for love is worth it every single time. I have always believed that it’s better to face the sting of goodbye than to live a life entirely untouched by love.
Do you remember what Paul Varjak tells Holly Golightly?
“You’re afraid to stick out your chin and say, ‘Okay, life’s a fact, people do fall in love, people do belong to each other, because that’s the only chance anybody’s got for real happiness.’”
So don’t be afraid. Fall in love. Belong to each other. Because you, Hayley, have a right to real happiness as much as anyone else in this world. I love you so much, my beautiful daughter. You will forever be my greatest treasure.
All my love,
Mom
The floodgates burst open, and Hayley fought for every breath. She curled into a ball on the couch, clutching her mother’s last letter to her chest. Every word felt like she was crying out to Hayley from beyond the grave, begging her to see the truth.
Hayley had found her person, but she’d pushed her away, ruining the only real chance at happiness she had ever had. She realized with an undeniable, brutal clarity—Maddie was everything her mother had said a soulmate would be.
There had been so many blinding neon signs pointing toward Maddie, the exact woman her mom had always known she would find.
Hayley had willfully ignored every one of them, choosing now to see the truths shining in front of her face.
The combination of losing her mom, hurting Maddie, and tearing herself apart in the process was simply too much for her to bear all at once.
She let herself sob from the crushing pressure of it all until her mom’s words suddenly broke through—that she had always seen a fire in Hayley, a stubborn spark that fought for what she wanted. She believed that strength would rise to the surface when Hayley needed it most.
Hayley vaulted herself off the couch, wiping away the lingering moisture from her swollen eyes and red nose.