If I Didn’t Have You (The Last Best Place For Love #7)

1. Clara

CLARA

“He only got one year in prison! That fucker should have been sent away for life!” Ben shouted, banging his fist on the table.

I jumped slightly at the noise as I rinsed another plate and put it in the drying rack. The summer heat poured in through the kitchen window, but the gentle breeze was enough to cool me down for the moment.

I loved everything about summer on the ranch, from the heat that was desperately needed after the bitter winter, to having the windows open and enjoying the nighttime air.

“Pop, he’s gone for now. Be grateful.”

“Grateful?”

“They couldn’t pin anything else on him. We’re lucky the police got him for the hit and run.”

This discussion had been going on for the better part of dinner, and if I had to hear one more thing about Austin or the Callahan family, I’d scream.

Spending two nights in the hospital was enough drama for one lifetime, and the only good thing that came out of it was the fact that Austin was out of our lives for the next year.

“I’m heading out. I’ve gotta check on the rentals first thing tomorrow.”

Ben grunted in response, but thankfully didn’t make any snide remarks about how he wasn’t working as much around the ranch.

“Thanks for dinner, Ma.” Jeff pressed a kiss to my cheek and ran off, leaving me to rinse the sauce from his plate.

Sighing, I washed his dishes and wiped down the counter. When had this become my life? Every day was the same. Washing dishes, making breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Cleaning up after everyone tracking mud in the house. Doing laundry.

God, my life was boring. I couldn’t remember the last time I did something for myself. The only time I had a drink was when it was a holiday. Always red wine. Always the same cheap brand. I was predictable down to the apron I wore every night as I made dinner.

I startled out of my musings as Ben wrapped his arms around my waist, pressing a kiss to my cheek.

“How are you feeling today?”

That was another thing I was tired of—being treated like I was made of glass.

Ever since I was poisoned, Ben lovingly wrapped me in his arms and kissed me gently.

Sex was off the table. Not that we had a very active sex life over the last few years.

As we got older, it was like we just stopped trying.

Sex was scheduled into our routine instead of spontaneous and fun.

We were officially a young old couple.

But I put a smile on my face anyway. “Fine.”

“Are you sure? I could finish up for you, and you could go lay down.”

Steam threatened to shoot out of my head as I looked around the clear counters and washed pots and pans. The only thing left to do was give everything a final wipe down, which would take all of five seconds.

“I’m okay,” I gritted out.

“Sure?”

“Oh, I’m pretty positive.”

“You know what you should do?”

“Hmm?”

“Pour yourself a glass of wine and take a hot bath. That’ll help.”

A glass of wine and a bath? Seriously, that was the most boring thing I could possibly think of doing at the moment. I was so freaking tired of being old and tired. I was only…

Fifty-six?

God, I really was pathetic. How had I become like this? In what world did a woman like me end up in the kitchen all the time with flour in her hair and chipped nails? I used to be stylish. I was fun and full of life.

That was before kids. Before I ran away from my life at eighteen and decided to marry the love of my life. And I didn’t regret it, but I couldn’t seem to find myself anymore. I was lost, and I didn’t know how to fix that.

I had become boring.

I was grandma.

Tossing down the dishrag, I pulled off my apron and hung it on the hook.

Ben was already gone, probably into the den to watch TV.

Without even thinking about it, I grabbed my purse and headed out the door.

I needed a night out without thinking about all my responsibilities around the house and what I was going to cook for dinner tomorrow night.

Tossing my purse in the passenger seat, I headed into town to The Beaver and Boot. Surely my daughter would understand my pain and load me up with alcohol. I wasn’t sure how I would get home, but that was a problem for another time.

The music pulsed through my veins as I got out and made my way inside. I hadn’t been here in at least a year. Every time I came, Lizzy asked me to watch Willa, and because I loved snuggles, I always said yes.

Well, that wasn’t happening tonight. I was going to drink and have fun. Even if I was all alone and had no girlfriends to talk to. I should have thought this through a little more, but when I stormed out of the house, it was purely for the need to feel alive again.

A near-death experience would do that to a girl.

“Mom! What are you doing here?” Lizzy called out with a big grin on her face. “It’s not like you to come out in the middle of the week.”

“I just thought I’d come by for a drink.”

I took a seat on the stool at the bar and frowned down at my sundress that was a little matronly. Maybe I should have changed.

“This is perfect. Willa is driving me insane. She’s not going down, and I really need to get some office work done.”

“Actually, I just came by for a drink.”

“Right, but you can hold her while you have your glass of red,” she smiled.

“Actually, I was thinking about having a martini.”

Laughing, she pulled down a wine glass and poured me a red, sliding it across to me. “Right. I’ll go get Willa.”

That didn’t work as I planned, but as much as I wanted to argue, I hadn’t disagreed with my children about things like this in years. So, I took the glass of red and ignored the nagging feeling in my gut.

When Lizzy walked out with Willa, I tried to be happy, but I just couldn’t pretend tonight. I was so tired of always being the responsible one.

“Here’s Grandma!” Lizzy beamed, handing over Willa to me. My granddaughter immediately smiled, calming down from whatever tantrum she’d been throwing. “See? All she needed was Grandma hugs.”

“Yes,” I chuckled humorlessly. “Well, that is why I’m here. Not to drink, but to give hugs.”

“And that’s why we love you,” Lizzy grinned, completely missing my sarcasm. “Alright, I’m gonna be in back. Give me an hour, okay?”

Before I could tell her there was no way I was sticking around for an hour, she was shoving through the door to the back, leaving me alone with my granddaughter.

“Well, I guess it’s just you and me, Willa.” I picked up my glass and drank about half of it, sighing as she wiggled on my leg.

Willa babbled to me, saying a few words here and there as she played with my necklace. I should have been more focused on her, eating up all the snuggles and kisses I could, but instead, I found my eyes wandering around the bar to all the younger couples enjoying a night out.

But then, my luck changed when Georgia Bennet walked through the door, looking just as determined as I felt when I came in here. Only, there were no grandchildren around for her to be bombarded with.

“Georgia!” I called out, flagging her down with my wine glass still in hand.

Chuckling, she took the stool beside me. “Well, I hadn’t exactly planned on spending my night with a two-year-old, but I guess beggars can’t be choosers.”

“Believe me. Neither did I.”

JR came strolling over, his usual growly face perfectly intact. It was a wonder the bar still had customers with his delightful demeanor. “What’ll it be, Georgia?”

“Um…I think I’ll have a whiskey sour.”

“Brody on the mountain again tonight?” he asked as he made her drink.

“Yes,” she sighed. “Some tourist got lost up there, and he’s on the rescue team.”

“It could be worse.”

“In what way?” Georgia asked me.

“Well…he could be at your house, asking you to cook him dinner,” I laughed.

JR narrowed his eyes suspiciously at me, then walked away, but Georgia laughed along with me.

“I take it you’re having a rather rough night yourself,” she nodded to Willa.

Sighing heavily, I decided to confide in my friend. It wasn’t often that I complained, but this growing restlessness inside was making me uneasy.

“Do you ever feel like the woman you once knew is long gone?”

“All the time,” she snorted, taking a sip of her drink.

“I was standing at the counter tonight doing the dishes, and of course, Jeff and Ben were arguing in the background about this situation with Austin. And as I was washing the dishes, I couldn’t help but wonder where my life has gone.”

“Oh, trust me. I hear you on that one.”

I noted how she played with the pearls around her neck, delicately running her fingers along each bead. I knew they were special to her, given as an anniversary present, but I couldn’t help but blurt out the most insensitive thing I could think of.

“Since when did we become women who wore pearls and talked like old ladies?”

“Hey!”

“Oh, you know it’s true. You’re always ready with baked goods when Josie brings your orders. You have tea and scones waiting every week!”

For just a moment, she looked affronted by my comment, but then she nodded.

“And me! Do you know how many times I’ve caught myself telling my kids to watch their language? I sound just like my mother!”

“There’s nothing wrong with correcting grammar.”

“There is when you do it so often that you sound like an English teacher. Honestly, I was so desperate for Liam and Bailey to get together that I made them go on their first date at my house! Who does that?”

She hid a wince behind her glass, but I caught it. “And you did show up with the preacher while they were naked.”

“I know! I’m a busybody. I get so involved in my children’s lives that I forget about my own.

” I looked down at Willa, trying to find the same joy I used to.

“And tonight, I just wanted a drink. I came out, hoping my daughter would commiserate with me, and instead, she shoved my granddaughter into my arms. And while I love her, I just wanted a night where I wasn’t somebody’s grandma or mother. Is that really too much to ask?”

“No, but I doubt anyone around this town will ever see us the way we want them to.”

Here we were, two ladies at the bar, drinking away our sorrows. And tomorrow, we would go back to the same situation. There were still chores to be done and meals to be made.

Downing the rest of my wine, I twirled the stem of my wine glass, staring at the bar top for answers that would never come.

“I think sometimes I made a huge mistake with my life.”

“Clara, you have a beautiful family, and that man of yours is nothing to sneeze at.”

“I know,” I sighed. “But sometimes I wonder if it’s really enough. We only have one life, and it’s quickly slipping away.”

“Only if you let it.” She took another sip of her drink.

“Oh, listen to me. I sound like one of those wise women, doling out advice when I can’t take my own.

I’m drinking at a bar because I’m worried about my son.

Let’s face it, Clara. We’re two middle-aged biddies on our way to becoming old biddies. ”

Old biddies. That’s what we were going to become. Nothing but the old ladies around town who gossiped about our neighbors, shoved our noses in our children’s business, and baked bread.

My life was swirling the drain, and soon, there would be nothing left of the woman I once knew.