15. Clara
CLARA
I scrubbed the breakfast pan as the omelette I made sat on the table, waiting for Ben.
I wasn’t sure why I made it, why I would even put in the effort after I told him to leave. Like the good husband he was, he put up no further argument and walked out. I didn’t dare pull the curtains aside to watch him go, afraid that I would run out there and beg him to stay.
But that couldn’t happen. What we had didn’t work anymore, and as long as we ignored our problems, they would only get worse. So, kicking him out seemed like the logical solution.
Until I went to bed last night and slept alone in the house for the first time in years.
Silence greeted me with every hour that passed.
The smallest creak or groan sent me flying from the bed, wondering if he had come back home to me.
Finally, I broke down at four in the morning to see if his truck had returned.
When I found his spot empty, I knew he’d taken me seriously.
He was gone, and I should be happy about that, relieved that I finally had some space to think about what I wanted out of life. But kicking the man I love out of the house didn’t actually bring the joy and happiness that I expected to feel.
Instead of getting the satisfaction of a scorned wife, I felt alone and entirely helpless, and I’d never felt helpless in my life.
So, I came down here this morning and made his breakfast, thinking maybe it would conjure him and bring him home.
The pan was clean. There wasn’t a speck of egg or burned cheese in it. Yet, I kept scrubbing, kept hoping that would somehow change things. And the longer I stood there, the harder it was to keep the tears at bay.
I’d thrown my husband out of the house, and now I had no idea what to do. Who was I without him in my life? Did I really want him gone?
I needed space; I knew that much. But with him gone, a piece of me was missing, something I had known deep inside me for the majority of my life. Nothing felt right without him, and yet, I knew we both needed to figure some things out apart.
“Morning!” Lizzy called out as she walked through the door. “Ooh, breakfast. Did someone call dibs already?”
Tears pricked my eyes as I tried my damndest not to cry.
I didn’t dare turn around. She would see the tears and immediately know something was wrong.
But Willa’s cry set me off. As soon as I heard her sniffled sobs, I lost it, dropping the pot into the soapy water as I hunched over and let the tears fall.
“Mamma?” Lizzy asked, rushing over to me. “What’s wrong?”
But I couldn’t speak, couldn’t let the words slip from my lips. I was too heartbroken, shattered inside and feeling completely lost.
This wasn’t fair. None of this was right. My husband should be in here, grumbling about the weather or the cattle.
But he wasn’t. The cattle were long gone, along with my husband.
Lizzy spun me and cradled me in her arms as her daughter stood at our feet, tugging at my skirt.
“Hey,” she whispered, stroking my hair like I had done so many times for her. “It’s okay. Whatever it is, we’ll figure it out.”
Without realizing it, I clasped my hands around her neck and pulled her tighter, needing comfort and someone to tell me everything was going to be okay.
And that’s the way we stood for the better part of a half hour, until Willa’s cries turned into sobs. Some part of me felt like she was commiserating with me, able to understand that sometimes you just needed a good cry.
“Momma, what happened? Where’s Daddy?”
Swiping the tears from my cheeks, I ducked my head, terrified to tell my daughter that I kicked her father out. Would she hate me? Would she think I was evil?
“I asked him to leave,” I whispered.
“Well, after what happened last night, I’m not surprised,” she sighed, tugging me over to the kitchen table.
Willa climbed up into her lap, snuggling against her Momma. Lizzy, like the amazing mother she was, snuggled her daughter, pressing kisses to her temple to calm her, all the while focusing on me.
I might not have understood why she kept Willa’s father a secret, but none of that really mattered when I saw how much she loved her daughter.
“Momma, how bad is it?”
I bit my lip, terrified to tell her just what I was feeling inside. This was between her father and me. She shouldn’t be dragged into this.
“It’ll be fine.”
“Are you sure about that? It’s not like you to go to bed angry.”
“Well, since I didn’t get any sleep, I guess I didn’t really go to bed,” I admitted.
Squeezing my hand, she gave me a tight smile. “It’ll be okay. You’ll work this out. I know you will.”
“Are you really so sure? I wish I could have your confidence.”
She laughed at that. “I don’t have confidence. I plow through life one day at a time, hoping I don’t screw up my baby.”
“Not possible. She’s too sweet.”
“Yeah, tell me that after she throws her third temper tantrum of the day.”
“Well, kids have a way of keeping you young and making you want to scream in a dark room, all at the same time.”
“Seriously, Momma, whatever it is, you and Daddy will work it out. You always do.”
I really hoped she was right, but after she left, all that hopefulness drained away until I was standing in the house all alone. His breakfast was still on the table, and his truck was still missing from his spot.
It would do me no good to think about our fight all day. After all, I had asked him to leave so I could have some space. So, I pulled on my workout clothes and headed into town. The girls all greeted me with a smile, but I heard the whispers and saw the sly looks behind my back.
Word had already spread that Ben was gone, and it wouldn’t be long before the whole town had something to say about it.
“Okay, today, we’re going to focus on breathing!” Blake called out from the front of the gym.
Her eyes lingered on me for a moment; a sad smile tilted her lips as if to say she understood.
Is that what this breathing was all about? Was she trying to tell me something?
I shook it off and pulled out my mat, getting into the first pose. To my surprise, River Ainsley joined her at the front of the room, taking over when Blake had to chase after Rosie.
“Alright, everyone! Let’s keep it going! Remember, focus on your breath, listen to your body’s limits, and stay present on the mat!”
“If I listened to my body’s limits, I wouldn’t be bending this way,” Lila Cross murmured.
I chuckled, going into the warrior pose as I tried to stay focused.
“Keep that inhale and exhale smooth! Remember not to hold your breath!”
It was easier said than done, but the more I did it, the easier it was to follow her instructions. I pushed last night from my mind and tried to remember why I was here.
For me.
This whole thing was about doing what I needed, and I wouldn’t allow my fight with Ben to interfere with the progress I’d made. And it worked. I made it through the whole routine without once thinking of anything but clearing my mind.
When the session was over, I chatted with the girls about what we were doing the rest of the day, and that’s when things went to shit. Not because anyone asked anything inappropriate, but because I turned around and Ben was in the ring with Deke.
“Oh shit,” I whispered, watching in horror as they circled each other.
“Does this have to do with last night?” Georgia hissed.
“I would guess so.”
“Ben can’t really be jealous of Deke. He’s got to be ten years younger than you!”
“I know that, and you know that, but apparently, Ben thinks he has something to prove.”
“Honey, I hate to point this out, but Ben is not in shape enough to walk around proving points to anyone.”
I shot her a withering look that died two seconds later. She was right, and if he went through with this, he was gonna get his ass beaten.
“He still knows how to throw a punch.”
“Deke is trained in boxing! Does he really think—”
We both gasped, wincing as we pulled back in horror as Deke slammed his fist into Ben’s face and his head whipped to the side.
But to my surprise, Ben didn’t let it hold him back. He got back in a fighting stance and danced around the ring for a whole three seconds before he went on the attack. His fist slammed into Deke’s jaw, and then into his side.
I had to turn away before I saw blood flying. It was one thing when it was two people I didn’t know, but this was my husband, and I really didn’t want to see him injured in any way.
“Clara!” Georgia hissed, tugging on my sleeve.
“I can’t watch this.”
“But he’s actually really good!”
“I don’t care!”
She sucked in a breath, and I couldn’t take it anymore.
I spun around just as my husband hit the mat, blood spurting across the white floor.
My heart hammered in my chest as I watched him laying there, flat on his stomach.
For just a second, I thought he was dead, but then he flopped on his back, staring up at the ceiling as he panted hard.
Tears welled behind my eyes, but I refused to let them fall. Then his eyes met mine, and all the fear I felt disappeared. Resentment and anger shone bright on his face as he glared at me, and in that moment, everything I felt this morning fled.
I grabbed my things and walked out, determined to fix my life, even if he wouldn’t fix his own.