29. Clara #2
She beamed at me, tossing her arm around my shoulder. “Do you have any wine?”
“I think I might,” I smiled, though I didn’t intend on giving her a drop.
We snuck out before anyone could see us, and thankfully, I was parked just outside the bookshop. Once she was tucked in my car, I got out of town and away from prying eyes. The last thing Ellie needed was more gossip spreading about her.
“Are you doing okay over there?”
“Perfect,” she muttered.
Sighing, she rested back against the seat, closing her eyes. I didn’t dare bring her to the house, not when Ben was working with Liam. That meant Bailey’s house was available, but I highly doubted that was the right place to take her, given their history.
Honestly, I wasn’t sure there was any place I could take her on the ranch where she would be comfortable. Then again, we had an empty cabin at the moment. I could bring her there until she cooled down.
I sent a text to Jeff, asking him to leave the key under the mat. With any luck, he’d get there before us and wouldn’t see Ellie in this condition.
“Sweetie, are you okay?”
She sighed, her eyes remaining closed. “Peachy.”
“Is Ryder working today?”
“He’s out of town,” she mumbled.
“When will he be home?”
“Later tonight. He was supposed to be home last night, but…”
That explained why she was practically getting drunk on wine.
We pulled up to the house a few minutes later, and thankfully, Jeff was just slipping away as we arrived. I helped Ellie inside, surprised at how drunk she was. I hadn’t seen her pouring wine, but then again, my mind had wandered during the whole meeting.
We stumbled inside, and I put her on the couch while I went in search of bottled water. We usually kept a case in each rental for storms. When I returned, she was bent over, crying in her hands.
“Ellie?”
“God, I’m so pathetic,” she cried.
“What? Why would you say that?”
“I can’t even sleep with Ryder,” she sniffled. “He holds me and takes care of me, but I can’t—” She bit her lip, shaking her head as the tears poured down her cheeks. “How long until he leaves me?”
The words came out as nothing more than a whisper, but every ounce of them was filled with pain and grief.
“Ryder isn’t going to leave you.” I wrapped my arm around her, pulling her in close. God, what I wouldn’t give to make this right for her.
“I can’t—” She choked on her words, but I already knew what she was thinking.
“You will when you’re ready, and he knows that.”
Sniffling, she looked up at me, desperate for her life to be different. I could read it in her eyes, in the pleading look on her face.
“He’ll leave me if I can’t give him that,” she whispered, completely broken.
“Ellie, does that sound like the Ryder you know? Really think about this. He was desperate to find you when you were missing. He would have burnt the whole world down to get you back. A man like that doesn’t walk away because you need time.”
“But what if I can’t ever…”
“Well, we’ll cross that bridge when “ever” comes.
But I don’t think that will be the case.
You need time to heal, and one day, that horrible feeling inside you won’t feel quite as powerful.
And when that day comes, you’ll decide to test the waters.
And maybe it won’t go as planned. Maybe it’ll be too much for you.
Or maybe you’ll find that you want to try more. Only time will tell.”
Swiping her face, she leaned back against the sofa, taking me with her. “I feel like such a failure.”
“You were traumatized.”
“It was just —” But her lips trembled, and the words she tried to force out wouldn’t come.
“Just rape? Is that what you were going to say?” I asked gently. “Is that how you’re going to justify that you should be past this?”
“Other women don’t fall apart,” she grumbled. “Other women move past it.”
“That may be, but I don’t think you can sweep it under the rug as if it never happened.
And you weren’t just raped, Ellie. You were taken.
You thought you were going to die in that basement.
No matter if it was rape or being held hostage, you went through something traumatic, and telling yourself it wasn’t that big of a deal is not going to help you push past what you’re feeling. ”
“I know,” she whispered. “I just want it to be over. I want the pain to stop. I want to feel normal again, and have the life I once had with Ryder.”
“You will have that again, but Ellie, you’re always going to be changed by this. There’s no magic pill to make it all disappear.”
Sighing, she let her head drop to my shoulder. “I wish you were my mother.”
Her words struck me hard, and as she dozed against me, finally passing out from the stress and alcohol. I vowed that I would have a talk with her parents and remind them that whatever happened between them, their daughter was hurting and needed them in her life.
I wasn’t sure it would make a difference, but I had to try. I couldn’t stand seeing Ellie like this.
I sent out a message to Josie and Delaney, letting them know Ellie was at the cabin. I turned on the TV and spent the next hour watching some old movie with Ellie, and then her friends showed up with pizza and soda.
“Stay as long as you want. The cabin isn’t being used anytime soon.”
I wasn’t entirely sure about that statement, but since Ryder was coming home, it wasn’t likely they would stay long anyway.
I shot off a text to Jeff, letting him know they would be there for a while, then headed home. By the time I put my feet up, I was emotionally exhausted and had no desire to cook a damn thing.
“Everything okay?” Ben asked, joining me on the couch amongst all the sawdust.
“Not really,” I sighed. “Ellie was at book club. She’s not doing too well.”
“I’m sorry,” he murmured, pulling me against him and pressing a kiss to my temple.
“We’re lucky, you know? I’m so grateful that our girls never went through anything like that.”
He grunted, tucking me in tighter.
I thought about all Ryder and Ellie had survived, how he’d stuck by her through it all, being the rock she desperately needed.
In some ways, they’d dealt with more than Ben and I had in our thirty-plus years of marriage.
It felt wrong to feel so bad about how my life had turned out when others were suffering so much worse.
“Promise me we’re going to be okay, Ben.”
“We will. I swear to you, we’ll get through this and come out stronger.”
I sank into his arms, curling my body around his. We would be better, and I would not let myself ever think such negative thoughts about my husband again.