Chapter 23
VIVIAN
January 6
One Week Later
New Year’s Eve was fun. I felt Leo’s eyes on me all night, a boost to my ego. Leo seemed torn—he says he just wants to be friends, but his actions say otherwise. The compliments, the lingering looks, the way he’s always so attentive—it’s confusing. While I enjoy it, I’m starting to realize it’s holding me back from future potential. I need to focus on finding someone who is truly available, despite my mom’s insistence that Leo will eventually come around.
Brian left early this morning. We had dinner two nights ago and ended up making out on my couch for over an hour. I thoroughly enjoyed it. Exactly what I need right now—fun, light, uncomplicated. Brian is smart, funny, and undeniably attractive. He reminds me a lot of Leo.
It’s unlikely that anything serious is going to happen with Brian. I mean, he lives in London. We said we’d stay connected through texts and calls, but long-distance isn’t easy. Besides, I don’t know how Leo feels about it, or why I care how he feels about it.
I went over to Leo’s place last night for dinner and to say goodbye to Brian. It felt… somewhat normal, or as normal as it can, considering everything that’s happened .
Before I left last night, Leo asked if I wanted to come over in the morning for breakfast and coffee. Naturally, I said yes, though a part of me wonders if I’m falling back into the pattern of spending too much time with him.
I make my way over, wearing a matching Lululemon jogger and half-zip set in heather gray, my hair pulled back into a ponytail. I’m dressed entirely for comfort and warmth, with no intention of impressing him, keeping my priorities straight.
I let myself in because that’s what we do most of the time, and I’m immediately hit with the aroma of breakfast sausage and eggs, which I freaking love.
“Hey!” I call out, walking into the kitchen. I spot Leo by the oven, cooking up a skillet. “It smells incredible in here.”
He takes his eyes off the skillet long enough to greet me. “Hey, Viv, this will be ready in five.”
“Do you want me to start the coffees?” I ask.
“Yeah, that’d be great!”
I head to the espresso machine, like I have dozens of times, to make two cappuccinos.
I get lost in thought as I steam the milk, mindlessly making our cappuccinos. I think about everything that’s happened over the past month. Leo, Nick, now Brian. I went out with Nick the night before I went out with Brian. We also made out, but on the porch. I told him I wanted to slow things down a bit, that I need time to see and date other people. He must like me a lot; otherwise, I don't understand why he would agree to take things slower than we have already been.
I think about Ben. For reasons unknown, I imagine him hanging out with these guys. Would he like them? Would he vibe? It matters to me what I think he would think, as if his approval would validate my choices.
“Hey,” Leo pulls me from my thoughts. “What’s going on with you? You’re in a twilight zone.”
“Oh,” I tuck some hair behind my ear, “I’m sorry, I’m lost in thought.”
“What are you thinking about?”
“Oh, nothing… everything, I don’t know.” I scrunch my forehead, shaking my head and shrugging, as I hand him his cappuccino. “How did everything go this morning getting Brian off?”
He lifts a brow, “You mean sending him off?” he chuckles, “I think getting him off is more in your department.”
My eyes widen. “Oh my God, I didn’t even realize I said that.” I laugh and take a sip of my coffee. “Mmm. This is my favorite part of the day,” I say, smiling as I breathe in the rich aroma of my cup of joe. There really is nothing better than a cup of hot coffee on a bitter cold morning.
Leo hands me a plate of food—a sausage and egg skillet with sweet potato hash, avocado, and red onions. “Damn. You really know your way into a woman’s heart,” I say affectionately. I stand on one side of the kitchen island, facing the living room, watching the fire Leo lit crackle and dance, its warm glow flickering across the room. Leo sits across from me on a barstool.
“I don’t know about that… I think I just know how much you love a skillet and coffee.” He grins at me, and this feels… nice. It feels nice and normal, something I was worried we wouldn’t get back to. There is definitely a layer of invisible caution tape surrounding us—don’t be too flirty, don’t touch—but overall, it feels normal.
“This is nice,” I say, smiling, unable to help myself. I feel genuinely happy right now.
We catch up on some work talk. Leo fills me in on some real estate ventures he’s pursuing, and I tell him about my projects.
After we finish eating, I take his plate and mine to the sink, rinse them off, and set them in the dishwasher.
“Viv,” he says, prompting me to turn and look at him.
“Yeah?”
“I need to talk to you about something,” he says hesitantly, and I can’t read the look on his face.
“Okay…” I say slowly.
“It’s about New Year’s Eve.”
I straighten up, standing across the counter from him. “What about it?” I ask, a feeling of dread washing over me .
Leo rubs the back of his neck. “Look, I saw you and Brian… kissing, and it really irked me.”
I frown, bracing myself.
“That whole night had me feeling not myself. You came in, looking how you did,” he gestures to me, “and all I could think about was how stupid I was for being… well, me, the way that I am. Then Brian came over, and you two seemed to hit it off. I thought, ‘ No, not Brian, anyone but Brian, flirt with anyone but him, kiss anyone but him, ’ and then I saw you two kissing and, God, it sent me over the edge. I was pissed. I was jealous.” He looks down, as if he knows what he’s saying is ridiculous. Leo never struggles to make eye contact, but he’s having a hard time now. “I know he lives in London, but I need to ask you not to continue any kind of relationship with him beyond friendship.”
I’m stunned into silence. Part of me is happy because this is what I wanted—for him to be jealous, possibly realizing that he has deeper feelings for me than he lets on. The other part is filled with annoyance.
I clear my throat, setting my coffee down, and do my best to be mature about this situation. Looking directly at him, I say, “You, of all people, have no right to be upset or jealous when it comes to who I want to flirt with, date, or kiss.” I shake my head, my voice growing firmer. “The audacity…” I stumble, trying to maintain my cool. “To ask me to only be friends with Brian, when I actually have a connection with him, well, that’s some real nerve. You better have a damn good reason for that.” I lean back, crossing my arms, trying to calm the storm of emotions brewing inside me.
“I do,” he says calmly, “and it’s not something I want to discuss with you, but I’m trying to open up here, to be honest with you. I want you to understand it.”
He takes a deep breath, “Brian has been my best friend since I was six. We went through everything together. He was my person, and I was his. We were rebellious teenagers and did the dumbest shit together.” A small laugh escapes his lips. “Then we went to university together, where I met Rachel.” His index finger starts tapping the counter, something he does when he’s nervous. “She was my girlfriend for three years. And the only girlfriend I’ve ever had.” He folds his arms, but I notice he’s still tapping his finger against his bicep.
“I loved her… Bought a ring for her, wanted to get married—possibly have a family with her one day.” He swallows a few times, struggling to continue. “Around the same time, Brian’s dad died of an unexpected heart attack. He and Brian were really close, best friends. His dad was even a second father-figure to me. It was a tough time.”
He takes a sip of his cappuccino. I can tell how difficult this story is to talk about.
“Brian took to drinking, he spiraled quickly, became an alcoholic, unable to handle the situation and his emotions. He was drunk all the time.” He stares at the counter now. “He’d steal money from me, lie about where he was going, you name it—all the behaviors that alcoholics exhibit, he had them. One day, I went over to his house because I couldn’t get ahold of him, I was worried…” He trails off, going back and forth from looking at the counter to me, as the silence lingers. “I found him in his room… in bed… with Rachel.”
Holy shit. My first thought is that I can’t believe Brian would do that to him, and then I wonder how he could ever forgive him for that.
He continues, “They’d been sleeping together for three months. I kicked his ass. Literally, right there, I beat his naked ass up, something I regret to this day.” He lifts a hand and shrugs. “I don’t know… so when I saw the two of you kissing, it felt like history was about to repeat itself.” He pauses, looking dead set into my eyes. “So when I say anyone but Brian, I mean anyone but Brian.”
A heavy silence fills the kitchen, like a weight pressing down on my shoulders. I feel bad that he had to witness that, but I’m also irritated.
“Look, I’m sorry you saw us kissing. But you need to understand, I’m not your girlfriend—by your choice. I can see how it would bother you, given your history, but you don’t get to control who I kiss or date.” I steady my breath, looking directly at him. “It’s unfair to ask me to limit my relationships because of your past, especially when you’re not willing to date me yourself. ”
Leo remains silent for a moment, his focus on the counter. I watch as he processes my words, his brows scrunched in thought.
He nods slowly, “I get it. It’s not fair for me to ask that of you. Brian’s a different person now, but the past still haunts me. I love him like a brother, and I’ve forgiven him, but seeing you with him brought back all those old fears. It’s not right for me to impose my baggage on you. I just want you to understand where I’m coming from.”
“I understand. But it feels like you always let me in a little too late.” I pause, collecting my thoughts. “Had I known this before, maybe I could have made different choices. But now, I like Brian. I have fun with him, and he wants to date me… even if it is long distance.”
I take a deep breath. “You still won’t talk about your family life with me, Leo. There are so many things you keep locked away. I can’t keep waiting and wondering.” My fingers absently search for split ends in my hair, a nervous habit. “I think I need some space from you to figure things out… actual space. Not like what we talked about last week. I need to date without feeling like I’m betraying you or treading on your past.”
Leo’s brow furrows with concern. “Viv… don’t. Don’t shut me out, again.”
I shift uncomfortably, my fingers nervously picking at the strands of my hair. “I have to, Leo. At least for a bit.” I sigh. “This morning has been great. I was truly starting to believe that we could figure this thing out—how to be friends while keeping it platonic. But I think our friendship was doomed from the start.” I pause, meeting his gaze with a mix of sadness and resolve. “We don’t stand a chance at being in each other’s lives if you keep contradicting yourself and avoiding your inner demons.” I press my hands against the counter, seeking some physical support as I gather my thoughts. The cool surface steadies me, grounding my emotions. “You say one thing and do the complete opposite. It’s utterly exhausting, and I can’t keep riding this emotional roller coaster. It’s just not fair to me.” I swallow hard, feeling the weight of my words hang heavily in the air between us.
Leo remains silent, his jaw clenched.
“It’s simple. You either want me or you don’t. You know where I stand, so why don’t you figure out what the hell it is that you want.” I feel tears threatening, but I blink them back. “Until then, I think we should take some time away from each other.”
Leo swallows, his face unreadable. “Is there anything I can do to change your mind?”
I momentarily question my decision. Am I moving too fast? Reacting instead of finding a better resolution? No. If I want to defuse the situation, I need this space between us. “There’s nothing you can do to change my mind.”
Leo runs a hand through his hair, a familiar gesture when he’s anxious or uncertain. “Okay. I understand,” he begins quietly, his tone sincere. “I never want to cause you any unhappiness… Take all the time you need. I’ll be here.” He pauses, meeting my eyes with a hint of sadness. “Just… promise me we won’t lose what we have in the process.”
“I don’t think I can promise anything, Leo.” I’m afraid to say more for fear of losing control, and I’ve got to remain strong. “It’s probably best if I go.”
I start toward the door, Leo rising to follow. “You don’t need to walk me out,” I manage, my voice quivering. “Thank you for breakfast.”
I close the door behind me, struggling to maintain composure. Once outside, I lose control completely. Sobbing uncontrollably, I make my way next door. The emptiness inside my house mirrors the void within me. Doubts flood my mind; did I just make a terrible mistake?