23. Chapter Nineteen #2
“Then why have you never introduced us?” I ask him, seizing the moment to voice what’s been on my mind.
For someone as close to Carter as Julian apparently is, it’s strange that he never came up before.
I can feel Julian’s attention on me. I try to ignore the heat of his eyes, but it’s nearly impossible.
I’d feel them if I were on the moon, and he was still down here on earth.
Shrugging, he says, “Didn’t think to.” He sighs, his voice dropping.
“Or maybe I knew you’d do something like this.
” His tongue digs into the side of his cheek as he reaches for a menu.
The only reason I hold my tongue is because he seems genuinely upset by it.
“I’m too hungry to process this right now. I’ll need some time”
“We know.” Julian and I speak at the same time causing Carter to wince.
His glare is immediate. “Now I feel like a third wheel. This is all your fault.”
My next words carry a bite he doesn’t expect. “You’re the one who gave me away like a lost puppy. If it’s anyone’s fault it’s yours”
Hurt flashes across his face. “Is that what you think?” I shrug, grabbing the straw to jam it on the table so it breaks through the wrapper. “That’s not how I see you and you know it.”
Frustrated with the straw not opening, I go to unclasp Julian’s hand, but he refuses it. Instead, he takes the straw from me and tears the paper with his teeth before pulling the straw free and slipping it into my milkshake .
“Thank you,” I tell him under my breath, and he squeezes my hand.
I look back over my cousin. “I know that, but it doesn’t change how it felt.
” I take a sip of my creamy milkshake as he frowns at me.
“That doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate it, that’s not what I’m trying to say.
” I sigh, aggravated at myself for saying anything at all.
“I’m grateful for both of you. I’m just—I don’t know, not where I thought I’d be. ”
I’m not sure if I ever came to full terms with how my life panned out.
I tell myself every day I’m fine, but I never really allow myself to dig any deeper than that.
There are moments when I think I might be lying to myself and stuffing the truth in a hidden crevice somewhere inside of me.
Then I’ll laugh at something a student of mine said or watch a good movie and forget to question it.
Some people might say it’s better this way, but I don’t know if I can agree. I’m sometimes overwhelmed with the idea of different versions of me buried somewhere because I didn’t have the courage to let them exist.
A finger curls under my chin, shifting my gaze until I’m met with gray eyes. “You’re not a burden, Andrea. Do not think for a second that you are,” Julian tells me softly.
I say nothing because I’m not sure that I can ever fully believe that. At my silence, a muscle in his jaw ticks. He reluctantly decides to let it go since we have an audience.
"He’s right,” Carter agrees. “You’re not.”
The waitress arrives and takes both of their orders, giving me a perfect out from the topic. Carter orders the homestyle omelet and Julian gets a toasted bagel with cream cheese and a black coffee. My nerves are too shot to eat so I order nothing.
“Are you going to Maine for Christmas?” I ask my cousin to change the subject .
He scratches his chin in thought. “I might be able to make it up there for a few days.”
I smile. “Alice says she misses you and you never call.”
“Stop calling my mother, you dweeb.”
“I will call my aunt whenever I please. Have you spoken to Maisie lately?”
His face twists, caught off guard by my question. “No. Why would I have talked to her?”
My mouth pulls down with a nonchalant shrug. “No reason,” I say, but give Julian a knowing look that causes his mouth to twitch.
Carter sucks his teeth. “I don’t like this.”
“Too bad,” I retort.
The waitress arrives with the food fifteen minutes later and the smell intoxicates me, causing my appetite to come back.
The older woman smiles warmly at us. “Let me know if I can get you anything else.”
I’m taking a big sip of my milkshake when it’s pulled from my mouth. “Hey.” I frown over at Julian who slides his bagel in front of me.
“If you don’t eat real food, you’ll get a headache, which will then lead you down a Google spiral where you’ll convince yourself that you have a tumor.”
I pull my bottom lip in between my teeth to contain a smile, pleasantly surprised that he knows this about me. “What would I do without you?” I ask and take a big bite of the bagel.
He smiles, leaning further into me to murmur, “That’s not something I ever want to find out.”
Oh my.
His words send a shockwave through my body. It’s like the electrical current from defibrillator paddles charging into the heart, shocking it back to life.
When I look at Carter, he’s watching the two of us like we’re aliens. “Now,” I start, clasping my hands together and placing them on the table. “How would you like to split custody?”