34. PUFF, PUFF, PASS.
PUFF, PUFF, PASS.
Some people might find it hard to believe that I ever found any true love in my life, but I have—or at least some sort of resemblance to it.
I could say I found it when my mother tucked me into bed or had her arms wrapped around me.
I could say I found it when my father brought home a cake the one year he remembered my birthday.
I could say I found it when Love played with me in the meadow on a sunny day.
However, my closest memory of coming into contact with love was the moment my mother told me to run.
“Why do you think you find yourself pinpointing the purity of love to that moment?” Dr. Garrison asked, his pen pressed to his butt chin.
I shrugged, sprawled on the worn leather sofa.
It’s been a year of this bullshit of being forced to spill my feelings for an hour every Thursday.
The only reason I still attended sessions was because it was the only place to get some peace and quiet around the house.
“What’s purer than granting me my freedom? ”
“Is that how you see it? A favor?”
Gritting my teeth, I rein in an ignorant response to his insistent, endless questioning. “What does it matter?”
The old man sighs, too used to my dodges. “A great deal, Julian, and I think a part of you knows that it matters to her too. ”
“I’m fifteen, doc, not an enigma of a broken child to prod at. If you want to know something, then ask it.”
“Take me back to that moment with your mother. Why did she tell you to run?”
“Because she wanted me to run. Why else?” I responded dryly.
He gives me a look that tells me I’ve proved his point before smoothly sliding into the next tactic, not skipping a beat. “Let’s play a game.”
“Oh, yay,” I retorted.
“Humor me.” Closing his folder, he set it on the table next to him. “I’m going to say a word and you’re going to say the first thing that comes to mind. It can be another word or a moment you pair it with.”
“All right,” I said as I sat up, tossing my legs onto the floor as I gave him my full attention. “I’ll play your stupid game.”
His mouth twitched subtly before he cleared his throat and pushed his glasses back up the arch of his nose. “Ocean.”
“Swimming.”
“Jacket.”
“Cold.”
“Kindness.”
“Keith Ledger.” The twitch of his brow told me he made a mental note of the name.
“Honesty.”
“Pain.”
“Belt.”
“Lashes.”
“Anger.”
“My father’s fist.”
“Quiet. ”
“Safe.”
“Darkness.”
My heart dropped in my chest as I uttered the word, “Fear.”
“Family.”
“Gone.”
“Good, Julian,” he stated.
“Good?” I choked out.
“Mother,” he said, picking right back up with the game.
It must've tricked something in my mind because the next word that flew out of my mouth was, “Free.” Dr. Garrison grunted, swiping the folder off the table again. Flipping it open, he jotted down a few notes. “You tricked me,” I accused, scowling.
“Perhaps,” he contemplated. “But I think that maybe you could not give me an answer because you have not yet discovered it yourself.” Tilting his head and gentling his tone, he told me something I’d never forget.
“Your mind cannot feel things you won’t let your body remember.
You are not wearing the same skin you did back then.
There is nothing to fear in the past. The moment you let yourself own that part of your life; it will stop having power over you. ”
“HOW'D IT GO?” ABIGAIL asked the moment I stepped into the hall. She was new to the house and only arrived a week ago. I didn’t know why she always talked to me.
She never seemed to mind when I didn’t participate in her conversations.
Her light brown hair was always tangled like she never brushed it, and she was always chewing a big wad of pink bubble gum.
Choosing to ignore her since it was none of her damn business, I kept walking, but I didn’t make it more than five steps before she caught my arm.
“Hey, quit ignoring me, would ya!”
I yanked my arm from her grasp and hissed at the feel of her touch. Her eyes widened as I stepped forward, my jaw clenched. “Don’t ever touch me again.” After giving her a hard glare, I spun on my heel. It was nearly a minute of peace before she was at my side.
“You suck at making friends.”
“I don’t want to be your friend,” I muttered.
As we passed the den, curses were tossed back and forth between a few kids as they argued over who would play the video game next.
Even if it was the loudest house I’d been in, it was at least the cleanest. It wasn’t home, but it was enough for now.
Who knew how much time I had before I got tossed to the next placement? I refused to get too comfortable.
Abigail blew out a heavy breath, her cheeks puffed. “That sucks for you because I’m a pretty awesome friend.”
Pushing open the back door that led to a half-decent backyard, I couldn’t stop myself from snorting in amusement.
“Yeah, well, I’m a shit one, so consider this as me doing you a favor.
” I took the steps two at a time as my mind longed for a break only a certain plant could provide.
“Go put your energy into something worth it.”
A heartbeat and then, “No.”
My steps faltered, and I turned to face her with my brows lifted in surprise. “No?”
Her mouth turned down as she shook her head. “That’s what I said, isn’t it?” I watched her cautiously as she got closer and closer. She browsed my face with her hands propped on her hips. “Someone really did a number on you, didn’t they?”
The absolute nerve of this five-foot girl. I was used to being ignored and left alone with my temper. My anger was the only thing that soothed me most days. It was the only thing I had left. Being alone was how I preferred it.
Narrowing my eyes, I jutted out my chin. As much as I wanted to spit venom in her direction, I didn’t. After all, the world had not been kind to either of us. “I could say the same thing to you. It’s why we’re all here. It’s the only thing you and I have in common.”
“What happened to you?” she asked, ignoring my words.
I scoffed at her tenacious audacity and walked away. I tossed over my shoulder, “What happened to you ?” I hated being asked about my past—I did my damned best to forget it when I was sitting down for my weekly session with the doc.
“My parents died a few months ago,” she responded without hesitation. “They were hit by a drunk driver on their way home from a date. They went on one every Saturday night.”
I rounded the shed and lifted a rock with my foot that blended in with the others.
Anyone else would look at the spot and not suspect a thing.
Due to room checks, it was the safest place to keep most of my stash.
What little I did keep in my room was for emergencies when Theresa put us all on lockdown during her secret little house parties.
Most of the kids had no clue what really occurred at those parties, which was for the best. I wished that I didn’t know either.
“I'm sorry.” What else could I have said to that?
She snorted. “Yeah, sounds like it.”
“I am,” I stated as I took a seat on stacked tires that had sat in the same spot long enough for weeds to grow through them. “That sucks.”
“Yeah,” she huffed as she moved to lean her back against the worn wood of the shed. I felt her watching me closely as I pulled a perfectly wrapped joint out of the plastic bag.
“Aren’t you a little young to do drugs?”
I gave her a quizzical look. “What age is it appropriate to start?”
She shrugged. “I don’t know, but not fifteen.”
“It’s a plant, not a—”
“Wrong. It’s medicinal, so, therefore, it is a drug.”
“Fair enough.” I laughed as I pulled a baby blue lighter from my pocket. I held the joint horizontally between two fingers and rolled it as I exposed the tip of it to the flame.
“What are you doing?” Abigail asked. She was closer and hovering, clearly curious.
“Making sure it’s evenly lit.” Once it was, I brought it to my lips and slowly pulled, drawing the flame. I inhaled the smoke and held it for a beat before releasing it. My eyes caught Abigail’s, who was making a stink face.
“Smells like a skunk.” She took a seat next to me as I inhaled another puff. Swatting at the air, she asked, “How does it make you feel?”
“Good,” I answered through a cloud of smoke.
“Can I try?”
I shook my head, moving my hand away from her grabby one. “You’re too young.”
She scoffed, reaching for the joint again. “I’m the same age as you!”
I slapped her hand away. “Your rules, not mine.”
“Yeah, well, I take it back,” she stated, and then huffed as she crossed her arms with a glare. “ Please . ”
Narrowing my eyes at her, I pretended to consider it as I took another hit. And then another, letting myself fly higher and higher.
“Oh, for crying out loud,” she blurted, snatching the joint from my fingers and placing it between her lips faster than a lizard catching a fly.
I laughed when she choked on the smoke and it came pouring out of both her nose and mouth in clouds. “Oh my god,” she gasped, and then coughed a few more times.
“Just pull a little bit,” I instructed. “You have to get used to it.”
“Ok,” she said and rolled her shoulders back in preparation. Once she pulled herself together, she tried again, and when she was successful, she beamed at me like I’d handed her the holy grail. “Wow,” she mused. “So, when will I start to feel it?”
“A few more hits and you’ll be golden,” I told her and when she went to put it between her lips again, I grabbed her wrist. “At-at—it’s puff, puff, pass.”
She frowned as she watched me take a long drag of the joint. “But you took like six of them before me.”
I shrugged. “I wasn’t planning to share at the time.”
After my second hit, I passed it back to her. We went on like that until the joint was totaled, and Abigail with it. She stared down at the filter. “Aw, shucks. I’m sad now.”
I snorted. “No, you’re not.” We sat in the grass with our backs resting against the paneled red shed.
She giggled, blowing the filter off her palm and watching it fall into her lap. She plucked it and it hit my shoe. She keeled over in laughter. Taking a deep breath, she started to drop her head onto my shoulder, but stopped herself. “You’re a complicated boy, Julian Havord.”
I bristled at her knowing and saying my full name. “I don’t know what you mean,” I responded, my head feeling light on my shoulders.
“You do, but that’s ok. We’ve all got things we don’t talk about.”
“Yeah?”
She nodded, smacking her lips. “Want to know something I haven’t told Dr. Garrison?” she asked, but didn’t wait for my response before she continued. “I’m the reason my parents died.”
Well, shit. I didn’t expect that, and my head was rolling in too much bliss to ask for more information than that.
Good thing she planned on telling me anyway—even if knowing more about this girl was the last thing I wanted right now.
Getting close to people when you lived in this world was dangerous.
“I called them and asked if they could come home early. It was the first time I stayed home alone without having a friend over. I swore up and down to them that I was ready and that they didn’t need to worry.
But the moment they left, I was alone and scared.
The house was eerily quiet, and I kept getting this terrible feeling that children get when they think a monster is in their closet or hiding under the bed.
” She looked over at me, meeting my eyes.
“I’ll be waiting for them to come home and save me for the rest of my life now. ”
Silence enveloped us. I had no clue what to say—no clue how to comfort her with that feeling.
All I could come up with was, “Someday you’ll wake up and you’ll have stopped waiting.
You won’t remember when it happened exactly, but that feeling won’t last forever, even if grief whispers from time to time. ”
“Yeah, and what about the impending doom?”
The corner of my mouth lifted. “Now that lasts forever. For me anyway, it seems.”
“Dang it.” She groaned. “I was hoping it wouldn’t. ”
“Sorry to be the bearer of bad news.” I swiped a hand over my face. “Holy shit, I’m smacked. . .and hungry.”
She perked up, my words grabbing her attention. “I may or may not have a pillowcase full of all sorts of yummy snacks.”
“Well, what the hell are we still doing playing in the dirt?” I asked in bewilderment as I stood, dusting off my pants.
“Wait!” She quickly slid in front of me before I could take a step toward the house. “Say that I’m your friend.”
I frowned down at her. “What?”
“You heard me,” she said, placing her hands on her hips as she waited.
“No.”
She rolled her eyes. “Come on, you already know we are now, so just say it out loud for me. That is, unless you don’t want my snacks?”
I chuckled. “Are you really trying to bribe me into friendship with snacks you’ve been hoarding?”
“Yep.” She nodded. “Say I’m your friend and I’ll share them with you.”
“You’re fucking insane.”
“Say it!” she yelled.
“Fine!” I huffed. “I’m your friend. You’re my friend. We’re friends . Happy?” Stepping around her small frame, I started toward the house. “If I don’t eat something in ten minutes, I can’t promise friendship after that.”
“Ecstatic, actually,” she chirped as she skipped beside me. “Before you know it, we’ll be best friends.”
“Don’t get too ahead of yourself,” I grumbled.
“Oh, for the first time since I arrived at this musty house, I’m getting ahead of myself. Years and years and years of friendship. ”
I shook my head, a spike of panic pushing through my high. “I’m already regretting this.”
“Denial is a river in Egypt, but we’re in Boston.”
I stared at the back of her head as she skipped ahead of me.
I wondered briefly if I let her smoke too much.
Maybe I should have only let her take a few hits.
The first time I smoked, I stole the neighbor’s cat and got so paranoid that I almost called the cops on myself.
I’d given Theresa the perfect out to get rid of me, but she didn’t take it.
Before I could sink into my worry, Abigail turned around and said, “If you can’t see the future, then I’ll see it for the both of us.”
She spoke true, because from that day on she never relented in telling me about a future I could never see for myself. Abigail Wilson had no idea she saved my life on more than one occasion.
She was a true friend—the first one I’d ever had.