45. Chapter Thirty-Five
Chapter Thirty-Five
ANDREA
“You’ve been distancing yourself from me,” I blurt the second Julian steps through the door.
And, fine, it probably isn’t my best moment after repeatedly telling myself to be cool about this, but something feels off between us and I hate not being able to place it.
We seemed pretty set in stone when we stepped off the yacht.
We shared something real, and I know he felt it.
At first, I took him barely touching me as taking things slow, but that’s not what’s got me going into a spiral. It’s his time being spent locked away in his gallery and the emotional distance he seems hellbent on taking from me. I can physically feel it and I don’t know what’s made him pull away.
He leaves at random times without a word and sometimes when I look over at him, he’s dissociated into his mind. He’s been quiet and aloof to me, and I want to know why.
Julian’s eyebrows bunch as he closes the door, and I wait for him to deny it. He surprises me when he doesn’t. “I have.”
I huff a laugh, shaking my head. Ouch . I open my mouth to ask why, but snap it shut. Don’t you dare cry, Andrea . Feeling the backs of my eyes burn I turn away from him and walk to my room with a terrible idea in mind—leaving.
“What are you doing?” he asks, following behind me with a sigh. I ignore him as I pull a suitcase from my closet and throw it open on the bed. He pauses in the doorway, and I feel him watching me as I move back and forth with my clothes. “Stop.”
The single quiet command from him makes my knees buckle, but I can’t stop now. How could I have been so foolish to let someone in? To think that this was becoming something real and then to be left with this empty feeling in my heart is gut-wrenching. I never wanted to feel like this again.
“Andrea, stop,” he pleads, his voice breaking as he rushes toward me. When his hands wrap around my wrists, I wrench them away, hating the way he flinches at the rejection. Even if it hurts, I refuse to let his pain cancel out my own.
“ You stop!” I yell, feeling something warm slide down my cheek. “You’re confusing me, Julian!”
He goes to wipe the tear, but I pull my face away before he can.
“I’m sorry,” he croaks, his voice full of the emotion I’ve been looking for since we stepped off that boat.
“What do you want me to do to make it better? Because one thing I know is that you’re not leaving me.
” With that, he takes it upon himself to start taking the clothes out of my suitcase and hang them back up in the closet.
“You can’t tell me what to do,” I argue, wiping my face with an angry swipe. “You don’t get to pull yourself away and then make an appearance when the time works for you. I thought we had come to an understanding on that yacht, but I was wrong; maybe I was wrong about a lot of things.”
When he pauses, staring into the closet to run a shaky hand through his hair, all my fight wants to leave me.
“You’re right,” he says softly and then faces me fully.
His expression is vulnerable and broken and suddenly I feel as if I’m staring at the younger version of him.
My eyes fill again and my face crumples in misery.
“I can’t help it sometimes,” he admits. “When things feel too big, I want to escape into myself. I’ve been working on it and I’m sorry if I hurt you, but I swear it has nothing to do with what I feel for you. ”
“And what do you feel for me, Julian?”
“I. . .” he trails off with a shake of his head and I think it’s the first time I’ve seen him at a loss for words. “Everything, ma cerise, and it’s wrecking me.”
My heart flips at everything , but the rest is confusing me. “So, caring about me hurts?”
“Caring about anything hurts, but it’s worse when I attach myself to a person who could leave at any moment.”
I feel my chest cave in a little, an ache forming at the realization that this is how he really feels. “I’m right here.”
“For now,” he says softly, and I can tell that his words are final to him.
I groan in frustration. “I hate being mad at you.”
His jaw feathers. “Then come here.”
“No,” I state, shaking my head. I want to, though.
I want his arms around me and his breath caressing my skin.
Every part of me needs him on me. His hands; his smell.
I’m beginning to think I’m losing my mind.
I’ve never felt this way about anyone before and where his instinct is to push away, mine is to pull him back.
“Why not?” he asks, taking a step toward me.
I take a step back. “Because I thought we were running, Julian.” My head is heavy with confusion. It doesn’t help that the man standing across from me is staring at me like he wants to ruin me for anyone else, but something is stopping him.
“Do you not want me, is that it?”
“You won’t want me ,” he rasps. “Give it time, Andrea.”
“What do you mean?” I ask in total exasperation. “I’m standing here wanting you and you’re refusing to let me! Tell me why.” My words are a plea begging the universe to let him give me an answer. “ Why ?”
His silence infuriates me. “Stop holding back!” I demand, reaching out to hold his face in my hands. This time, it’s him trying to move away from me, but I don’t let him. I kiss the corner of his mouth. “I’m right here, just tell me why and I’m yours.”
“You don’t know what you’re asking.”
I ghost my lips over his. “What part of me saying ‘ I choose you ’ don’t you understand?”
He presses his forehead into mine and traces his thumbs over my jaw.
“I’m fucked in the head, Andrea. There’s a reason people always leave eventually—a reason why romantic relationships don’t work for me.
I should want to protect you from me, but I hate fighting my heart when it’s clear it knows what it wants. ”
“So, give it what it wants. I don’t care how dark your mind gets or how far you wander off as long as you can tell me right here and right now that you’ll always come back.
Help me understand you so I can be what you need me to be.
” My eyes switch between his tortured ones.
“Whatever it is that’s eating you alive, you can tell me.
” It’s a promise to not leave; I couldn’t even if I thought it was best. “Please,” I breathe.
His face contorts like he’s in physical pain and he holds onto me like a lifeline.
“When I was seventeen, I was unofficially diagnosed with borderline personality disorder.” He releases a shaky breath and I hold mine.
“I say unofficially because it was never put on my records. I fought the idea for as long as I can remember because I never wanted to see myself as someone who was broken, but I was—I still am in many ways.”
I tighten my grasp, never wanting to let him go and deciding right now that I’m never going to. “Okay,” I say softly with a nod. “If you’re broken, then be broken but be it with me.”
His eyes glass over with unshed tears. “You say that now—”
“I will say it always . Hey, look at me,” I say when he closes his eyes. I wait for those beautiful gray eyes to meet mine. “I'm going to need you to stop coming up with conclusions without me. You’re underestimating what you mean to me, Julian, and I won’t have it.”
“You don’t know what you’re getting into. It’s a lot to ask of you.”
“You’re not asking, I’m giving it to you.
My patience, my time, my heart.” I swipe away the tear that slips past his defenses with my thumb.
“I’m telling you it doesn’t matter. When I chose you, that includes every part.
I’m not afraid of the dark so don’t worry so much about taking me there.
I’ll do my best to drag you back, and if I fail, then I suppose we’ll have to sit in it together, but I’m here and I’m staying. ”
“Love doesn’t stay for me, Andrea,” he says hoarsely. “It never does.”
Tears trickle down my cheeks, the salty liquid coating my lips.
“The fact that you believe that breaks my heart.” I sniff, determined to make him understand he’s not so broken that forever is too far from his grasp.
It’s in front of him right now if he wants it.
Seeing that I’m starting to lose him again, I tell him something to ease an unsettled part of him that’s never known what found hope looks like.
“My dad’s father—my grandfather, he was borderline too, Julian, and he led a normal healthy life.
It’s not impossible, I promise.” What hurts the most is knowing that it wasn’t born inside of them, it was given to them through years of neglect and trauma .
His brow twitches and I know I’ve made the gears start turning in his head. “How did he manage it?”
“His family became his army. Sure, he split sometimes, but when my grams couldn’t get him back, she waited for his return.
When you’re surrounded by the right people, nothing can scare them off.
When I was younger, I noticed how he disappeared into his head sometimes.
I didn't really understand it much, but the important part was that he always came back. That’s what mattered—the time between doesn’t. ”
“What if I don’t have an army?”
“You have one in me.” I stand on the tips of my toes, clinging to him desperately. “Be broken with me. Trust me with your burdens and you will never be left alone with them again. Tell me it’s enough and I won’t leave.”
Nothing . He says nothing and does nothing.
Embarrassment at the rejection begins to creep in and I slowly pull myself from him.
There’s a battle in his eyes as I back away, still giving him the opportunity to reach back out to me.
When he doesn’t, I nod in understanding, hearing the crack of my heart in my ears.