54. Chapter Forty-Four
Chapter Forty-Four
ANDREA
We’ve been back in the city for three weeks and Carter has been insistent on me accepting his endless apologies. The moron is now standing outside the apartment, moping around the hall. I have to hand it to him, he’s been consistent.
If not for Julian bribing him to leave us alone on New Year’s Eve, he’d have made a steady streak of his ability to pester me.
We’d wanted to spend the night with just the two of us and a bottle of Sullivan wine—the culprit that brought us this here in the first place.
“He must have lost his key,” I observe out loud from where I sit on the counter, not able to ignore the fact that he’s not going away. He’s made a routine out of it and my stupid heart is starting to soften.
Julian effortlessly flips a pancake in the air, turning it over on the pan. “Good.”
The corner of my mouth kicks up. Did I mention he’s also shirtless and wearing black sweatpants? He looks so damn sexy cooking me breakfast that I wouldn’t mind if he took me on this counter just as hard as he did in his bed this morning.
“You’re distracting me from my anger at him,” I tell him.
With a small sigh, he turns off the stove and walks over to place his hands on either side of me. “Don’t be mad at him. He was only looking out for you,” he says, his eyes soft. He has a lazy look about him that I find absolutely delicious.
“I want you for breakfast,” I joke—not really—as I rake my eyes over his toned abdomen and v-line.
The tips of his ears turn pink. “Who’s distracting who here?” he asks and I huff, rolling my eyes half-heartedly.
He kisses me roughly but pulls away too quickly, leaving me dizzy. When I make a pouty face, he smiles and traces my mouth with his thumb. “He only told me out of love for you.”
“No,” I surmise. “He did it to test you.”
“That, too,” he agrees, “but it came from a place of love, nonetheless.”
“It was wrong of him. It wasn’t for him to tell.”
He nods. “He knows that. It’s why he won’t leave you alone until everything is okay between you again.”
I toy with his waistband. “Do you think I should forgive him?”
He kisses my jaw and then my mouth. “I can’t make that decision for you. If you want him to leave, say the word and I’ll tell him to stop loitering in the hall.”
I smile because the look on his face tells me he means it.
Carter may be his best friend, but it’s clear that I come first, which means more to me than I can put into words, so I kiss him instead.
Three little words have been sitting on the tip of my tongue since the Christmas festival.
Coming to the realization of how strongly I feel for this man is as terrifying as it is enthralling.
Reluctantly, deciding it’s time to face my cousin, I pull away from the kiss. “Fine, I suppose it can’t hurt to hear him out.”
Julian gives me a full-blown smile and kisses me on the tip of my nose before lifting me off the counter and setting me on my feet. “I’ll be here if you need backup and a shovel.”
“Keep the shovel and pancakes on standby. I’ll be back with either a guest or a body,” I quip.
His laugh has me grinning ear to ear as I head for the door. Before opening it, I fix my face into a scowl. The moment I do, I see Carter walking back and forth looking like a wounded puppy.
The door clicks shut behind me and he pauses. There’s something hopeful in his expression as he looks at me.
As his cousin, it’s my job to squash that hope.
“You look terrible.” It’s true, he really does.
His hair is unkempt and the bags under his eyes are dark.
Seeing that he’s wearing the raggedy sweatpants he usually wears when he’s sick is a telling sign of his mental state.
It’s almost enough to make me forgive him immediately. Almost.
He huffs a laugh, swiping a hand down his face. “That would be the guilt I can’t seem to rid myself of.”
“Good,” I say. “I hope it’s eating you alive.”
His face grows serious. “It is, Andrea. I feel like a dick.”
“Hm, well, you know what they say. You are what you feel.”
“Who says that?”
I shrug. “They do.”
His brows scrunch. “Who’s they?”
I nearly stamp my foot in agitation. “Oh my god, Carter, can’t we both just agree you’re a dick?”
He nods quickly at my outburst, hands raised in the air defensively. “Right, you’re right. I’m a massive dickhead who’s very sorry for running his mouth about something he has no business talking about.”
“Why did you then?” I ask, curious about his reason and not bothering to hide the hurt I feel on my face .
“Because he’s my best friend, Andrea and you’re my cousin. I wanted to make sure it was more than a fling and that he knew what he was getting himself into.”
I scoff, crossing my arms. “Wow.”
He winces. “Fuck. I didn’t mean it like that.”
“You want to know what I think?” I ask, but don’t wait for his response. “I think you’re reflecting your fears on me and Julian’s relationship.”
He waves me away. “Bullshit.”
“I think that you believe that having HCM makes you less, but it doesn’t. Do you think I’m less because of it, Carter?”
“Of course not,” he snaps.
“Then tell me the truth,” I demand.
“It’s genetic, Andrea.”
“So?”
A pained expression takes over his features as he repeats, “It’s genetic .” Oh. Oh . “The people we care about deserve to know what the future looks like if they stay whether we like it or not.”
“It’s only a 50 percent chance,” I remedy, doing my best to ignore the sinking feeling in my gut.
“Not everyone will want to take that chance.”
“Julian’s not just anyone and you know it. He accepts me as I am and a future with me doesn’t scare him. Do you know why? Because I’m enough. Just me.”
“So it’s the real thing then?”
“Being with him is the most real thing I’ve ever felt in my entire life. He gives me more of a high than ballet ever did.”
“Well, shit,” Carter breathes, subtly shaking his head. “I really fucked up. I misread it, I’m sorry.”
“Misread what?”
“How much he means to you. I thought that maybe. . .”
I step closer, my eyes narrowing. “ Maybe what , Carter?”
He sighs. “That maybe you were trying to prove something to your parents and your sister.” When I open my mouth, he holds up his hand.
“Wait, let me say this. . .Julian deserves someone who’s all in.
He has a history of people leaving him. I’ve known him long enough to see how he acts when he really cares for someone and this is the first time I’ve ever seen him this way.
He’s let you in completely. That’s not something to take lightly from him.
I didn’t tell him because I see you as less, I told him because he’s my best fucking friend and I’m tired of seeing him take punch after punch.
I told him because you should have. You can sit here and say I’m reflecting my fears but what are you doing?
” he asks. Oh, so he has a spine after all then.
“This is a terrible apology,” I mutter, annoyed but understanding where he’s coming from. “Did you ever stop to think that maybe I couldn’t tell him because I didn’t want to risk losing the man I love?”
“He would never leave—wait, you love him?” His bewildered expression would be comical if I wasn’t still a little mad at him.
“ Yes , and I know that. Deep down, I always knew he wouldn’t leave me and I suppose that’s the reason too.
He’s loyal to the point of not caring how things affect him.
He seeks to provide comfort rather than actually finding it.
It’s his nature to stay because he knows how it feels to be left.
It’s hard to tell someone who’s lost so much that there’s a chance that if I overrun my body, I could drop dead. ”
His face twists. “You’re so damn dark.”
“It’s the honest truth. You know it is.”
“Yeah,” he agrees.
“Julian said you told him I was in denial. I’m not by the way,” I tell him. “In case you haven’t noticed, I uprooted my entire life in acceptance of it. Just because I don’t tell people everything that’s wrong with me upfront doesn’t mean I’m ignoring the wrong that exists.”
He swipes a hand through his tousled hair.
“I’m sorry, fuck. If it makes you feel any better, Maisie crashed my date last night and told my date I gave her chlamydia.
Again .” I keel over, laughter bursting out of me.
“Yeah, hilarious. Laugh it up.” His voice sounds annoyed, but he’s got a smile on his face.
When my laughter subsides, I take a deep breath. “I guess I can forgive you.”
He beams. “Should we hug it out?”
When he moves to hug me, I point my finger in his face. “Hug me and I’ll castrate you.”
“Right, right. I’ll hug you after you’ve had your third cup of coffee,” he says, nodding to himself like it was a good plan.
“There will be no hugging at all.” I shoot him a stern look.
“So. . .love?” he questions, brows rising, completely ignoring my threat. “How deep are we talking?”
I snort. “I’m so far down, I don’t remember what the surface looks like.” Knocking my shoulder against his. “Come on, are you hungry?”
“Starving, actually. Is that pancakes I’ve been smelling?”
JULIAN WANTS ME TO MEET Willow and honestly, it’s nerve-racking meeting a woman your boyfriend used to sleep with.
When he’d first told me about her, I searched for any clue at all to show me that he still had feelings for her, but I couldn’t.
He meant it when he said they were still friends.
I’ll admit, it did make me feel better when he told me about the epic love of her life.
Abigail had hosted one of Lily’s friends’ birthday parties at her house yesterday, but Julian and I weren’t able to make it.
I had a ballet recital, and he refused to not come with me.
My students absolutely adore him. Sybil has taken a liking to him ever since he started glaring at anyone who even dared to look at her wrongly.