55. Chapter Forty-Five
Chapter Forty-Five
ANDREA
The day I’ve been waiting for since I stepped foot into this fifty-fifth-floor apartment has finally come, except something doesn’t feel right about it. There’s this inkling in my gut, but I can’t figure out what it’s saying.
Am I afraid or nervous?
Is it the right move or the wrong one?
I’ve been trying my best not to cry and mostly failing. I’m unsure if I’ve done a good job hiding my tears from Julian, but he’s been pretty mute since we woke up. He helped me pack the rest of my things with a stoic look on his face.
Everything I had in a storage unit was moved in last week once renovations were done. Julian let me hand-pick the design and it was fun for some time. As the apartment started coming together, the dread slowly built.
We’ve lived together for nearly six and a half months. It’s a big step into something new, that’s all. I’m not the clingy girlfriend that needs to be around him 24/7.
“I’ll see you tonight?” he asks quietly from the doorway of my bedroom, his hands tucked in his pockets.
I nod, scared my voice will shake if I speak. I feel ridiculous. We’re seeing each other tonight, not days, weeks, or months away. The backs of my eyes burn anyway, and I conclude that I’m just a big baby who does, in fact, need her man like she does oxygen.
After giving my room and the once-in-a-lifetime view one last look, I square my shoulders. “Okay, I’m ready.” It’s a lie, but I know that I have to at least try.
Julian follows me silently down the hall as we take our time to the front door. I hate that he’s not saying anything. Even more, I hate that his hands are still in his pockets and not touching me.
When we reach the door, we both linger. His face is carefully neutral, and I can’t help but wonder what’s going on inside that head of his.
He’s dressed in a suit for his meeting with the members of his foundation.
I’ve grown so accustomed to him in loungewear that now I find his suits to be out of place on him.
My favorite version of him will always be the one where it’s only the two of us on the couch at midnight watching a movie and sharing my shitty snacks.
I clear my throat. “So, uh, what time do you think you’ll. . .”
Leaning against the wall, his head tilts, a soft smile lifting the corner of his mouth. “What time do you want me there?”
“Whenever you’re done with the meeting is good for me.” I swallow down the emotions crowding my throat.
Narrowing his eyes in skepticism, he suggests, “Or I could cancel the meeting and leave with you now.”
“No, no, it’s fine.” I shake my head even though that sounds perfectly reasonable to me.
He studies me and when my tears finally overfill, his brows furrow in concern. Pushing off the wall, he moves to cup my face in his hands. “Andrea, what’s wrong?” he murmurs, his thumbs stroking my wet cheeks.
I let out a broken laugh, feeling ridiculous.
“I don’t know.” My eyes dance between his and my gut tells me this is wrong.
Don’t leave him , it screams. I let him wrap his arms around me and hold me tightly against his chest while I collect my bearings.
With a deep breath, I pull away and avert my eyes from his searching ones.
I sniff, wiping under my eyes. “I should go.”
“Ma cerise.” The endearment has my eyes snapping up to meet his. He reaches into his pocket and hands me a folded note. “Don’t read it until you’re there.”
Taking it from him, I hold it firmly in my grasp.
I press up onto my toes and press my lips to his for a quick kiss.
When I move to pull away, his hand wraps around the base of my neck and he holds me to him.
My mouth parts for him and his tongue sweeps over mine.
The kiss is domineering and nearly bruising.
I gasp into the kiss. “I learned something for you,” I breathe. He kisses me again, making my head go all dizzy. “Mon chéri.” My honey .
His eyes pinch tight with a tortured groan. The kiss grows deeper and harsher in a way that tells me this isn’t the end for us; it’s the beginning of everything.
“Are you sure you don’t want me to drive you?” he asks me for the fourth time this morning.
The thought of waking up without him next to me puts a bitter taste in my mouth.
“Yes, I’m sure.” The truth is, I need the walk to think.
A part of me also needs to know how it feels to step into my own space again.
I love living with Julian, but I have to make sure my feelings for him aren’t clouding my judgment.
Maybe it’s the old version of me getting in my head, but after everything I’ve been through, I need to put one foot in front of the other and at least try .
He gives me one last kiss. “I’ll see you later.”
I force myself to smile as I open the door that I found a home behind. “Good luck with your meeting.” When I turn once more to look at him, I wish I hadn’t. He openly wears every emotion on his face. It’s rare and beautiful. Stay , it says. “Bye, Julian,” my voice says instead.
I watch his shoulders deflate slightly and I want to kick myself. As if not able to help himself, he steps forward in one swift motion and presses his lips to my forehead before turning abruptly and leaving me alone.
With tears filling my eyes, I walk out the door.
The walk isn’t as peaceful as I thought it was going to be.
I fight myself the entire way. I’ve turned around three times only to force myself back in the direction of my new apartment.
For as long as I can remember this is exactly what I wanted, but the closer I get, the lonelier I begin to feel.
Which is strange because I’m surrounded by hundreds of people.
When I reach the building, I pause to stare into his gallery. A lot has changed in six months. From the moment I’ve met Julian Havord, he’s been all that I can see. I weaved my future with him in it and this changes that.
The idea of having a ballet studio I can go to without the possibility of being interrupted will always sound amazing. There’s just one problem—none of it will ever top the feeling of turning over in the morning and finding him there.
After taking a deep breath, I pull out my key to the building next door. The windows are tinted so the outside world can’t see in but anyone inside can see out.
When I enter, I marvel at the serene, elegant space for what feels like the hundredth time. The polished wood floors shine against the soft lights lining the ceiling. The walls are lined with mirrors and string lights. Potted plants tie it together and give it a cozy feel, adding to the atmosphere.
Pushing myself forward, I aim for the back, knowing that’s where the stairs are that’ll lead me up to the apartment. The second I open the door; I smell cinnamon, and it immediately puts a nostalgic smile on my face. Julian must have purchased the air freshener for me.
My heart clenches tightly as I set down my purse on the entryway table.
The entire apartment is charming in both comfort and style.
Though the kitchen is small, it doesn’t have a crammed feel to it.
The living room is my favorite. The green sofa is filled with throw pillows and the coffee table has vintage candles that complement the framed art on the walls.
As my eyes roam the room, they snag on something out of place. There’s a large, framed object wrapped in a pretty pink bow.
My heart starts to gallop in my chest as I step around it to see what it is. It’s a large colorful painting.
“Oh my god,” I whisper. It’s the canvas Julian and I threw paint at when he brought me to his studio.
But that’s not all it is. He used it as a background for something much more intimate.
The painting is of my face—a very large version of it.
I get closer, observing it. It’s like he captured me in the middle of laughter. I look happy and vibrant. Alive .
But there’s something else. I’m holding a dandelion, and the soft wisps are floating around me.
Remembering the note Julian gave me, I pull it out of my pocket with shaky hands. Inside it, a picture slides out and falls to the floor as I read the words written in his handwriting.
With tears dripping down my chin, I pick up the photo. It was taken at Joffrey. It’s a ballerina, I realize with a husky laugh. The world around her is black-and-white, but her dancing bleeds color into it.
My chest ignites and my broken soul pieces itself back together. The world always had a plan and for so long I thought it was put to an end after the accident, but that was never the plan. It was always this—always him.
There’s a reason we ended up in the same place.
A deep understanding inside of me settles and then I’m walking out the door, leaving my loneliness behind. I only have one thing on my mind—one person.
Pulling my phone from my pocket, I hit #1 on my speed dial.
He picks up on the first ring. Before he can get a word out, I’m already saying, “I want you to know that you’re the most interesting and beautiful person I’ve ever met.
And quite frankly, I’m sick of logic, Julian.
Listening to my heart brought me to New York.
Listening to my heart brought me to you .
” I lock the door of the building, blinking away my tears.
“So, here’s the thing. The apartment is beautiful—everything about it is perfect, but it’s missing something.
There’s no you there. And maybe I’ve been living in the clouds for too long, but when I look outside my window all I see are people—all except the right one.
” The wind whips my hair around as my legs carry me in the only direction that matters.
“So, it turns out I’m in love with you and I think it’s stupid to spend even a second without you. ”
A beat of silence passes through the phone. “You’re in love with me?”
I extend my arm, attempting to catch a cab. “Yes, Julian. I’ve loved you for a long time now,” I tell him. Frustration rolls through me, and I start hustling my way through the streets when the cabs aren’t fast enough to stop.
“Come say it to my face, Andrea.” There’s a slight shake in his voice that’s hard to miss.
“You don’t think I’m trying?” I ask, my voice rising in distress.
"Stay where you are."
I hear ruffling sounds on the other end of the phone and then a door shutting. It’s hard to hear with the wind, but I know he’s on his way to me. When the phone disconnects, I don’t even care.
A strange surge of giddiness washes over me as I weave in and out of the congested sidewalk.
It’s about eight minutes later when I spot him through the crowd of people and our eyes meet.
Everything comes to a halt around us and the world’s noise fades into the background.
All I see is him staring at me with love in his eyes.
The kind of love I’ve always hoped for. It’s real, and it’s been waiting for my arrival.
The universe couldn’t have placed a more perfect man into my life.
By the time we reach each other, our chests are heaving. He wears the biggest smile I’ve ever seen on his face. “You said you love me.”
I laugh heavily, my lungs angry. “Actually, I said I’m in love with you.”
He smooths my wind-torn hair away from my face as he steps closer and cups my jaw. “Good, because I’m in love with you too. Madly.”
I press a dozen kisses all over his face. He laughs and the sound of it is wonderful. “You ran to me,” I note, smiling as tears fall down my cheeks.
“I’ll always run to you,” he says, going back to something I’d told him months ago. “Even on the days you don’t feel like running, too.” I feel his promise skate across my skin and engrave into the very core of my being.
He kisses me softly, lifting me into his arms. My legs circle his waist as his lips trail the curve of my jaw and across the column of my throat before he buries his face there.
I hang onto him like a lifeline. “Take me home.”
“You’ll stay with me?” he whispers against my neck as he holds me tightly against him. I feel the glorious beat of his heart against mine.
“I’ll always stay.”