Chapter 11
October 2023
I’m driving up the coast with Laney beside me and all I feel is complete. She’s got her hair down, her beautiful red locks flying as we feel the fresh breeze on our faces. We made our way up Pacific Coast Highway into Malibu to enjoy one night near the water. Tomorrow, we begin our drive to Joshua Tree, and I know this will be a great time to unwind and soak up some necessary self-connection.
Since Laney took up yoga, I started to practice as well. I found it soothing to move my body in a way that was slower than my usual pace. I still surf where possible, but yoga has been incorporated as something in my daily routine. I’m not as bendy as Laney is by any means, but I can get myself moving enough to keep up.
I peek over at her again, her eyes closed, and I can see her shedding layers of her previous pain off as we move along the road. Our hotel is close by, and we will have a nice view of the ocean while we’re here tonight. I splurged a bit on tonight’s accommodations because I feel like this trip is one we’ll carry with us for a lifetime. Plus, I barely have expenses as I haven’t really settled down and have saved quite a bit over the years. My work has taken off, and it’s been nice to travel the world and soak in the cultures of different lifestyles in different countries.
I’ve kept my promise to take my time with Laney as she found her path down her recovery. I’ve learned a lot about trauma and recovery. I’ve also learned a lot about myself. This entire process has been a learning experience for not only Laney as she’s figured out life since that ill-fated date but also one where I’ve realized what love really looks like between two people.
I have to keep reminding myself that the goal isn’t to bring the old Laney back but to find ways to show this new version of her that life has beauty. Life should not be lived with the expectation that something is hiding in a dark corner, waiting for the ugliness to appear. It’s about thriving despite the darker days trying to loom over us.
The last ten years have been painful for me. When Laney first moved to the city, I put too much emphasis on thinking that the change in location should have cured her. I was hell-bent on getting my old girl back. I was fighting demons that just couldn’t be taken down.
Frustration was a constant state for me when I’d leave on an assignment, my anger being taken out in the form of my mornings in the water or hours at the gym. I was impatient, and the more I attended therapy, either remotely or in person, I started to learn that my role was to be supportive, not overpowering. I knew that was how I started this process, but when you’re seeing someone you love fall into a deeper Hell, it’s hard to keep a clear mind.
I realized that if I kept up with the way I was approaching Laney and her recovery, trying to recover someone who no longer existed, I would lose her for good. I decided to take a step back and restructured my game plan. I think it has shown so much more of our love for one another, and I finally see a light at the end of the tunnel. This trip is part of that light.
With time came clarity, and I started to navigate this road with her with more openness, and that helped us build a more solid ground on which we could both walk together. Our friendship was never compromised from where I stood, but it felt like the fragility of her experience was at the forefront of our minds constantly. Once we found a way to move through our lives with that, instead of finding a way to push it into the past, it felt like a weight was lifted.
I pull onto the road leading to the hotel. The moment we get closer to the valet, Laney looks over at me.
“Um, Grant, where are we? I thought you said you booked a simple little spot for us to settle for the night. I’ve seen this place on Instagram,” she rambles and I simply chuckle. At that, she realizes I’ve got a little plan so she continues, “It’s too nice. I can’t let you do this.”
“Bean, what’s the point of traveling the world and seeing my career take off if I can’t enjoy these moments with my favorite person? Come on. Let’s go check it out.” I am just as excited to see this place as she is.
The moment we step out of the rental car and take in our surroundings, I smile because I can hear the ocean perfectly from here. The waves crashing against the rocks below and all the beauty life has to offer right at our fingertips. I grab Laney’s hand and walk through the lobby.
Once we are checked in and make it to our room, Laney runs toward the balcony attached to our suite. It’s absolutely breathtaking. But the most beautiful part of this trip is in the form of the gorgeous redhead in front of me, with the eyes reminding me of an endless field of grass. She chose to wear a huge sun hat, and she could be right out of a beachwear catalog. She looks the part here, and I can’t help but feel the warmth of her love take over all my senses.
“Grant, this is amazing. Thank you for doing this. You didn’t have to go through all this trouble, but seeing this, it’s just… wow!” She turns toward me, and her smile is enough to knock me on my knees. I see everything I want in life in her gaze. I just hope that she will see that in me at some point.
Life with Laney completes me. She brings purpose to my days. She never stopped giving me the love I needed to walk toward tomorrow, even in her toughest and darkest moments.
She looks back out to the ocean, then proceeds to close her eyes and take a big breath of the ocean air. When she exhales, she opens her beautiful eyes, and she just stands there. I imagine she’s reflecting on everything that led to this moment. I know how survivors of trauma live with a lot of guilt, and I hope that in this moment, she can feel the life she’s living and not the lives that cannot be here to experience this.
As I stand there, I hear a knock at the door. Laney stays put, knowing it’s likely the bellhop. Once I retrieve our belongings, I start to put her bags and mine near our prospective beds. It took everything in me not to book a single bed, but I tried to be mindful of where she’s at. I can’t push her, but damn if I didn’t think about being forced to be near her in that intimate way again.
I’ve been with women since my last time with Laney. I wish I could say I wasn’t trying to forget about the pain I was harboring regarding all that happened to her, but I was angry. I went through a period of time where I coped in the best way I knew how each time I traveled. I drank, I met women, and I moved on from each one. No connection felt right, and each time, I went back to my girl, hoping things would be better. But I started to pull myself out of that hole I dug myself and felt like she needed me to be strong.
Much like my mother always said about her life with my father when he was still alive, a relationship is about being the support when your partner feels the weight of life on their shoulders. I never saw Laney as weak, but she needed comfort, and she needed to feel like she could lean on us when she was early in her recovery.
Once Laney’s done looking at the ocean, she turns around to find me sitting on the edge of the bed. She stares at me for a moment, almost like she’s getting the courage to do something. Then she saunters over, a little more confidence than I’ve seen in her in more than a decade, until she stands between my legs. My knees open for her to walk closer to me, and the moment she’s standing mere inches from me, she brings her fingers through my hair.
I angle my head back, her touch causing me to close my eyes. I haven’t had Laney’s touch in this way in so long that I have forgotten what it felt like. The electricity I remember coursing along my skin is still there, maybe even more intense than it had been in the past. I open my eyes, and I see her looking at me much like she used to when we were barely adults.
My hands are along the outside of her thighs, and I let them travel up, gauging her reaction to my touch. Her eyes are hooded, and she leans even further into me, and my palms move up her back underneath the shirt she’s wearing.
As I glide my hands across her skin, I can’t help but feel the connection go beyond our touch. Everything I love about her goes further than what I see in front of me. I love her down to her soul. I feel her pain in my heart. I feel her accomplishments deep inside, which always fuels me to move in a better direction.
Before I have time to think past my hands on her, she bends down and captures my mouth. This connection, feeling her lips on mine, feels like seeing the stars after years of only being engulfed in a haze. I open for her, and soon, she’s pushing me backward to lay my upper body down on the bed.
At first, I’m stunned. I am in utter shock this is happening. Of course, anytime I get with Laney, I hope she will open up to me again. I have wished to have this back with her more times than I can count, but I can’t say it has been an expectation since everything changed that fall day.
Soon enough, though, we become frantic as we both seem scared to break our connection. There’s fear that we’ll snap out of this, and seeing her push me away is the last thing I want. I have needed her like I need my next breath; my life depends on feeling her by my side.
I feel her pull away, and I feel the uptick of fear within myself, thinking she’s regretting this between us. I quickly find that all she wants is to remove my shirt, so I help her, and soon, I’m completely exposed from the waist up. She begins to plant kisses along my neck and down my clavicle. Then, she’s moving further down my torso, but I notice she suddenly stills. I look down and see her inspecting the side of my body.
I know what she’s taking in. She hasn’t seen me without my shirt on in a long time. I felt like I shouldn’t push her after the incident, so I made sure I didn’t make her uncomfortable. But now she sees what’s on my body, and I don’t know if she’s going to kiss me harder or run for the hills.
She glides her fingers across my skin, the ink below feeling like it’s on fire.
“Grant, when did you do this?” She’s not referring to the matching tattoo we share but to the part I added not long ago.
“I did it last year. Do you like it? Are you mad?” I can hear the nerves push through as I speak. I feel like everything moving forward depends on how she responds to what I’ve done.
“It’s beautiful. Whose is it?” She’s still running her fingers across my chest, and I can’t help myself from covering her hand with mine.
I pull her hand off my body and kiss the inside of her palm before returning it back to the tattoo she’s staring at.
“It’s yours. I wanted your heart beating next to mine,” I say to her, still tentative, as I let this secret out into the open for her to absorb.
I kept the tattoo we got together intact, but I added something to it. The artist did a seamless job of incorporating a heartbeat, the EKG strip, of Laney’s heartbeat. I had snapped a photo when she was sleeping in the hospital back in Wyoming years ago. I don’t know what made me do it.
For years, I stared at the photo, reminding myself that she was alive and that her heart still beat, even from across the world, when I couldn’t feel her warmth for myself. But then I had the idea to put the waves of her heartbeat onto my skin. As my sister likes to correct me, it’s the beating of the chambers of the heart. My sister, ever the romantic, ladies and gentlemen.
It’s Laney’s heartbeat, the one that took my breath away years ago while she lay in that hospital bed, full of life yet a shell of who she had grown to be at that point in time. I needed a constant, permanent reminder that she was okay. When she was living, I was living. That’s what I told myself each time I had to walk away from her.
I wish I could read her thoughts at this moment. I can’t tell if this is pulling her further from me or if she’s feeling more connected to me. This discovery could either pull us closer together or wreck us. I should have thought this through. I’m about to say something when she finally speaks.
“I love you, Grant. I never stopped loving you.” Then she kisses me again, this time softly against my lips. I bring my hands to cup her face, my fingers into her hair, deepening the connection between us.
I move her onto her back and start to unbutton her shirt, slowly revealing the best gift I was ever granted access to in my past. The moment her skin is exposed on her chest, I kiss her directly over her heart, and I can see the goosebumps erupt along her skin. I move toward each breast, giving each one the attention it craves. I pull down her bra and expose her left breast, nibbling the skin and sucking on her nipple. She arches her back, her reaction spurring me on.
I continue my descent and unbutton her jean shorts. I look up at her, and our gazes lock in that moment in time. She seems to read my thoughts and gives me a little nod. I shimmy her shorts down, bringing her panties along with them. I throw the garments behind me and look at the beauty that is Laney James. She’s perfection, and I don’t know what I’ve done in this life, or maybe in past ones, that has gifted me with this perfect creature.
This is love. This is completion. She is everything I’ve looked for in life. I have traveled to the ends of the earth, and I still haven’t found a woman like her. She is my beginning and my end. She is my past, my present, and my future.
I kiss along the inside of her knee, moving along the inner portions of her thigh, my movements aimed at one spot and one spot only. She’s so wet for me, and I greedily take what is right in front of me.
I swipe my tongue along her folds, and she moans while I feel her fingers move through my hair. The sound is music to my ears, the bite of her pulling on my hair causing me to lose a bit of control, and it gives me the confidence to keep going.
I let my tongue move along, stimulating that little nub. I move one of my hands up her leg, and I insert one finger, followed by another. I continue to fuck her with my mouth while I let my fingers reach into that secret spot where I know I’ll have her screaming my name. Soon, I feel her constrict my fingers, and the satisfaction that I have done this to her spurs me on to see her explode. She’s riding my face, saying my name, and my dick is about to combust.
She finally lets go, and she rides her climax until she comes off her high. A satisfied smile crosses her features, and she’s still panting from that ride.
I move up her body until I’m hovering over her, my clothes still completely intact below my waist. She seems to notice this and begins to unbuckle my belt, and then I feel her tug until my clothes are falling to the floor. I help her out and remove my boxers while she fully undresses from her open shirt and unbuckled bra.
We are now completely naked, and she seems to be taking me in. I know that my daily movements have added some muscles. I’m still lean, but I have added some definition to my physique. It’s nice to know she has noticed. From the look she’s giving me, I can tell she likes the view.
“Hey now, Bean, if you keep looking at me like that, I may not get much further without making a fool of myself,” I smirk.
She laughs, and it continues to be one of my favorite sounds from her mouth.
“We can’t have any of that, Grantie.” She winks back, and fuck if that’s not a turn-on.
I move over her, my dick at attention and begging for some contact. It’s when I look down that I notice I didn’t grab a condom. I’m about to move away when I feel her legs wrap around me and tighten.
“No, don’t go. I’m clean.” It’s the first time I realize she’s scared of losing this connection. It’s the last fucking thing I want.
I let my head fall forward and take a deep breath. “You sure? I promise I’m clean.”
She nods and uses her legs to pull my hips closer to her. The moment my dick feels the slickness in her folds, I nearly come on the spot. Fuck, I forgot how perfect she is. I haven’t even slid inside her, and I already know I will never be able to walk away from her, from our connection, again. I can’t fuck this up.
I slowly begin to inch forward until my mushroom head is inside the one place I have been dying to be. I’m taking deep breaths in and out through my nose. I have to stay composed.
She moves her hands down and grabs my ass, urging me to move further into her. Soon, I’m fully seated, and fuck if this isn”t nirvana. The fullness makes her moan, and she arches her back. I pull out and slowly glide back in. Her moan only gets louder, and I feel like all the little moments of my past have led me back to her.
I’m pumping in and out of her, our moans and our skin slapping the only sounds in the room. Seeing her gaze on me fuels me to keep going. She keeps telling me what she wants, and I’m quick to obey. I put my thumb against her clit, and she detonates around me. I feel her strangling my cock, and it’s taking everything in me not to fall right off that cliff with her. But I don’t want this to end. I don’t want to leave this perfection and possibly face the repercussions of our actions if she regrets it.
Unfortunately, my dick has other ideas. The moment Laney orgasms, I only move faster, chasing my own desire as I piston in and out of her.
“Fuck, Laney. This feels euphoric. Fuck, fuck, fuck.” And I’m falling right off, my cum shooting into her, and it feels like a never-ending orgasm. I can’t stop moving my hips, letting her tight pussy milk me until I’m spent.
I lay right on her, my breathing labored, while I try to catch my breath. I feel her fingers in my hair again, and I just want to close my eyes and fall asleep in the arms of the woman I crave forever with.
I pull back onto my forearms and push her hair away from her face. Both our bodies are covered in sweat, and there is nowhere else I’d rather be. I look down at her, and I can’t help but lean forward and kiss her lightly on the lips. It’s then I say what has been eating me alive for all these years.
“You’re my home, Laney. No matter where I go, you’re who I come back to. I love you. I’ve always loved you.”
It’s then I see a tear fall down the side of her face. I go to wipe it, but another falls. That’s when I realize that I’m the one who’s crying. She brings one of her hands from my hair to my face and cups my cheek. Fuck, I need to be strong for us, and here I am crying after we just had sex. Shit. I fucked this up.
I go to pull away, but she holds me there, her legs once again moving around my waist and locking me in place.
“You are my everything, Grant. I’m always looking for you because you’re my forever.”
She brings her head up, and we kiss, this time deeper. Love is what we never lacked. Life had its ways of fucking everything up. But here we are, hoping that love will win the battle this time around.
We lay together for some time, kissing, embracing, and holding onto this moment for as long as possible. We may not have everything figured out once we walk out that door, but we know that we have love to carry us part of the way. Let’s just hope life doesn’t have other plans once again.