Chapter 13
January 2024
Laney is sitting next to me with what I would say is a look of awe on her face. Since moving to New York, she has never taken a dive and gone to a Broadway show. I knew it would be a leap for her, but I think if we have a goal for this new year, it’s to try some new things. I think it’s time to start living life to the fullest.
For Christmas, I took a leap and got us tickets for the Broadway show Aladdin. I know how much she loves the movie, mostly due to the endless times I had to watch it on repeat growing up, and I can easily say those are memories I now cherish. It may have taken a decade to get her in a crowded theater like this one, but now I get to see the smile spread across her face.
I reach over and grab her hand, and she looks over at me, her eyes shining with unshed tears. I know how hard this was for her. The moment we walked in and took our seats, I felt the rigidity of her shoulders. I could feel the tension radiating off her, and my heart sank. I started to regret my purchase, but then the show started and I saw her come to life. She hasn’t looked away from the performers in front of us for longer than a second, and my regret started to dissipate, and now I feel in awe of her strength.
That’s all Laney does: surprise me with her incredible heart and ability to try, even if at first she feels hesitant. I’ve learned that as long as Laney trusts the person or people surrounding her, she’ll take a leap. But I also know that pushing her will only set us back. I’ve taken incredibly small steps forward throughout the years, and now I see that it has paid off.
She squeezes my hand as the show is coming to an end. There are loud sounds and unexpected movements, but thankfully, it hasn’t startled her in the way I feared. Luckily, the moment the show began, she leaned into the experience. It helps that no sudden movements from the crowd, along with sounds beyond the stage, have occurred.
Laney does not react well to loud sounds that come out of nowhere. She’s had moments of pure terror from a simple car backfiring or screaming in a crowded place. Moments like those seem to paralyze her from the inside, and when she first started her recovery process, seeing her pull back and withdraw into herself gutted me.
Once the show is over, I stay with her in our seats as people make their way around us. I know she likes to wait, not standing in the aisle where she feels trapped and confined to the movements of others. As I sit there, I hear Laney humming the music we just finished listening to. I take her in, all her mannerisms and movements next to me, while she moves through these moments, not realizing how she defines mine.
“Did you enjoy it, Bean?” I move my hand down her arm, needing to feel her skin against mine.
I wish I could say that after sleeping together in California, we were able to find a rhythm together, but it’s still a work in progress. I made my feelings clear to her that night leaving the bar a few months back, but we haven’t really taken the time to go back to that conversation.
I thought we were moving in the direction of finally being together, especially after I pretty much laid my heart out that cold November night. But that hasn’t quite been the case. She loves me as much as I love her, but she’s hesitant. When we’re together, everything feels right, but when I go out on a job and return, it feels like I have to take so many steps forward to get us back to where we were.
Whatever is holding her back, I have yet to figure it out. I am giving her space, not pushing her in a way that would make her feel forced to be with me. I want to be her choice, not her expectation. In many ways, I feel like I’m transported to thirteen years ago at prom when I wanted to profess my love for her but feared ruining what we had.
“Grant, it was, uh, magical.” I had no idea her smile could get any bigger, but I was wrong. She’s radiant right now, and I wish I could bottle up these moments for when I”m miles away and missing her warmth.
I kiss her cheek and I hear her take a breath in, maybe more affected by my touch than I gave her credit for. She turns her head then and allows her lips to meet mine. The kiss is quick but enough to ignite all my synapses to attention.
We move from our seats once the auditorium is easier to exit from and make our way through. Laney is rushing more than I expected, and she starts to speed walk toward the restrooms. Although she loved the performance, she got up multiple times to use the bathroom. She blamed the excessive amounts of water after doing yoga this morning. I have no idea how much she drank, but it must have been a wheelbarrow with the number of times I saw her get up.
As she’s rushing in front of me, she yells, “I’ll be right out. I’ll meet you out here in a second.”
Red hair flying behind her, she’s gone in an instant. I pull my phone out and order an Uber. I then pocket the phone, and I look up to check my surroundings.
I look to my left, scanning the sea of people, and I swear I feel eyes on me. I keep moving my gaze from left to right, trying to bury my unease, but I can’t shake it. I’m still processing it when I feel a hand wrap around my bicep.
“Hey. Sorry. I think the older I get, the smaller my bladder. Ready to go? I’m wiped.” We make our way through and out the doors into the cold January chill.
Laney has been a little off recently. She spent time on and off the last few weeks feeling under the weather. I think she’s overdoing it with her teaching schedule, especially now that she has started teaching hot yoga a few times a week.
I’ve told her to call her doctor and get checked, as whatever she has is consuming her days and not really letting up. She keeps fighting me, saying she doesn’t need to see anyone and that her body is simply tired from the extra hours in the studio. I know her real hesitation is the idea of possibly having to go into a hospital. Since the shooting, she hates going into them.
Once we get outside, it’s a hassle to figure out which Uber is ours, but we finally find the correct one and make our way back to the house. The drive home is easy, even with the tourists roaming the streets of this city that always seems to be awake.
We find Ellie and my sister in the kitchen, laughing their heads off. The moment we walk in, I can tell there’s something to their chatter. It takes a bit to get Ellie to confess, but she finally admits to a person she just started seeing. But the most shocking part about it is the fact that she’s not just dating anyone; she’s with Xander Christianson. I nearly pass out when she says his name.
I am a lover of all sports, but when Xander was playing hockey, I really paid attention. Watching him glide on that ice looked seamless in so many ways. It was obvious his life revolved around the sport.
Of course, I want to press Ellie to introduce us, but it seems, much like her sister, she’s not putting a label on whatever this is with them. I guess time will tell.
We say our goodnights and head upstairs.
The moment we close the door behind us, Laney jumps into my arms. On instinct, I wrap my arms around her, her legs automatically coming around my hips and locking behind me. She pulls her hands through my hair and kisses me with so much passion, I’m having trouble thinking straight.
I turn us around and lean her against the door, devouring her mouth while I feel her moving her hands down toward my shoulders. I bring one of my hands up her ribs and cup her breast in my hand. I pinch her nipple, and I swallow her moan as I continue to kiss her.
I’m fumbling to get us to the bed, my cock eager for whatever is about to happen. I’ve longed for her touch in so many ways that I feel greedy with need. I’ve let her set the speed for whatever this is between us, and all I feel is relief knowing she feels this desire to connect with me the same way I long for it with her.
I lay her on the bed and slowly start to peel her clothes off her. Once I get to her bra and panties, I nearly tear them off her. She starts pulling at my belt buckle, unbuttoning my pants, and pulling them off, my boxers following. I unbuttoned my shirt and slipped it off while she was removing the bottom half of my clothing. I pull at the back of my neck and hike my undershirt over my head.
I stand there, both of us panting, and I admire the beautiful creature in front of me. Her fair skin in contrast to my olive tones. Her lips swollen from our connection earlier, her red hair wild from us trying to devour one another.
Now, I simply take her in. I see the desire swimming in her gaze. I bite my bottom lip, thinking about what part of her I want first.
I lick my lips, and I can see her writhe under me, only getting more turned on.
Like a lion on the prowl, I begin to approach her, my hands resting on the bed, my eyes taking her in as she leans back. Once she’s fully prone on the bed, I kiss her neck and begin to trail kisses down toward her breasts. I suck a nipple in my mouth, and she arches her back, moaning a bit too loudly while there are others in this house.
I pop right off and look up at her.
“Shhhhh, baby. We don’t need everyone in the house knowing what we are doing right now.”
I go right back, this time giving attention to the opposite breast. She can’t keep still. She’s even more turned on than usual, with my attention on her chest.
Soon, she’s begging for more, and I’m not dumb enough to deny her. Without warning, I line myself up and slam into her.
I let myself get used to her tightness, feeling like I’m finally home. I look down and see Laney’s hands gripping the comforter. I know she wants me to move, but I need a moment. I just need to savor this because I know it will be over too quickly.
I begin to move, painfully slow, feeling my cock moving in and out of her wet pussy. Fuck, this is heaven. Each time we are together, it feels like the puzzle pieces align. Nothing feels right, unless it”s with Laney.
The more I pump, the more I chase my release. But I have to take care of my girl.
I pull out and flip her onto her hands and knees. I give her ass a light slap, and she yelps.
“Fuck, Laney, your ass, your pussy, were made for me. You’re gorgeous. My sweet girl.”
I take a bite of her ass cheek then slide back in and begin pumping. In and out, I watch my dick move, and I’m even more turned on in this position. I see her pussy take me, and it surges me to keep moving. I feel her start to tighten around me, and she moves her hand to her clit.
Something about that causes me to grab onto her hips and piston into her faster. She’s spurring me on, but I can’t jump off that cliff before her.
“Laney, fuck baby, I need you to come. Come for me. Let go.”
I feel her orgasm around my cock, and I fall off right behind her. It’s euphoric being with her in this way. My orgasm feels like it goes on forever, ropes of my cum shooting into her. She constricts my dick in a way that feels like her release is lasting just as long.
We fall to the mattress, both of us panting and a sweaty mess. We’re lying on our sides, her back to my front, and I let my fingers glide along the side of her body. My touch leaving goosebump trails behind.
I bury my nose in her hair, taking in that vanilla scent I love so much. I close my eyes, contentment filling me. I feel like my life is complete. I bask in this until Laney tells me she has to get up and use the restroom.
The moment she’s gone, I feel her absence like I’m lacking oxygen. Our connection is so intense I forget how I live without her when I’m away.
The next day, we go out to lunch. We head into a little restaurant not far from Laney’s house, my mouth watering the moment we enter the restaurant. This cold runs deep from the New York winter, and I rub my hands together in hopes of getting my fingers warmed up as we follow the hostess to our table.
Laney looks at the menu, biting her lower lip with her teeth, heavy concentration lacing her features. I can’t help but picture that mouth around my dick, much like it was this morning while we got ready in her shower.
Last night, it felt like we had some unspoken interpretation about our relationship moving forward. I always do this, falling down the mindset that things will change and we will finally put a label on what we’re doing. I can’t be with anyone else. She’s it for me. Enough of this back-and-forth behavior. We’ve lived a life where we tried to be without one another, keeping our friendship front and center.
Being around her and seeing parts of her shine as we move through life together brings me so much joy, and the moment her mouth was on mine last night, it felt like home. I can’t walk away from her, from this, without putting everything out there. I want this just as much as I wanted it years ago and had to table that discussion after the shooting.
Now I feel like Laney can handle what I have to say. I feel like this is a natural progression for us. After everything in California, I told her I wasn’t with anyone else. She confessed she wouldn’t be dating while I was away for work. But I can’t ignore the distance she puts between us when I return from working abroad. I want a future with her, in all senses of the word. She is my tomorrow, no matter how many bumps we find in the path ahead.
Laney finally looks up from the menu, a smile crossing her features.
“I think I’m going to get the spinach omelet. I’m craving something light but also something that will keep me full.”
Right then, one of the servers walks by, a big plate of what I can see as eggs, and the smell carries over. The moment the plate passes, it’s almost like Laney’s face turns green, and her smile disappears.
“On second thought, that smell is not going to work for me. Maybe I’ll do pancakes.”
I can’t help but look at her for an extra beat. My mind travels back to last night, all her symptoms not adding up. She’s hot and cold with her health. Her body can’t seem to decide what side of the fence she’s on, and she’s teetering a fine line. I’m about to comment that she should see a doctor, but we get interrupted by our server.
We put in our orders; I opted out of anything that was primarily eggs and got a BLT, while Laney stuck to her pancake order for lunch. This restaurant is known for serving breakfast all day, and Laney has been on a mission to have breakfast food no matter what since we left the house.
Afterwards, our meals providing the sustenance we craved, we decide to walk a bit, even with the cold weather. The sun has made its way out, and we decide to soak in some sunshine before the clouds move in. A storm is said to be headed in late tonight, so we want to enjoy this little bit of sunshine while nature gives us a break.
While we walk, I grab Laney’s hand, and she accepts the gesture.
“So, Bean, I wanted to talk to you about something.”
At my words, she stiffens slightly but tries to cover it up with her response, “Okay, what’s up?”
“I’m thinking of taking a break from my photography and focusing on some local work instead. My last trip was draining, and I want to be close to home for a little bit. After this next assignment, I have a break and I think I’m going to stay in the city and see how it feels.”
She isn’t looking at me, her eyes fixed on the ground in front of her, but she nods, waiting for me to continue.
“With that, I wanted to give us a go. Take what we have together and see where it goes. I know we’ve skirted around this topic, but I really want to be all in by being close by.”
This causes her to stop, and she pulls her hand out of mine and looks up at me.
“Um, so you want to be together together? Are you afraid we’ll ruin a good thing?”
Her words throw me off balance. Ruin a good thing? Who said making things official between us would ruin anything? Would being with me romantically be so bad? We’re already sleeping together, and not dating other people. My confusion is evident as I furrow my brows at her.
“Laney, I think we’ve crossed that line already. It seems like the next logical step. Plus, why would anything be ruined? It could be better than we both imagined.” My voice is tight, finding it hard to hide how hurtful her assumptions about us are when I’m trying to put my heart on the line for her.
“Grant,” she pinches the bridge of her nose, probably barely getting a good grip through her thick gloves, and closes her eyes, seemingly annoyed by this conversation, “I think it will complicate things to take what we have a step further.”
I can’t help the stab of pain from her words.
“Laney, we deserve to be happy. You can’t keep pushing something this good away. We work together on so many levels. Why is that so bad?”
“You don’t get it, Grant. You don’t know what it’s like to hurt the way I do. If only you hurt the way I do, then you’d understand that my cautiousness comes from somewhere deeper. I can’t risk losing you, losing us. It’s the only thing that keeps me feeling like myself. It’s the only tie I feel toward the person I once was before everything went to shit.”
We’re completely idle, standing on the empty sidewalk, having a very deep conversation in the middle of winter. However, the cold of the winter is forgotten as I feel my blood boil from the fact she won’t even consider being with me beyond this friends-with-benefits situation I’ve once again started up with her.
“Laney, maybe I haven’t hurt like you have throughout the years, but I have felt pain watching you suffer. Why do you think I haven’t said anything about my feelings? I want this, but I never wanted to push you.”
I see the determination in those emerald eyes of hers. She’s straightening her spine, ready to ground her feet into the pavement to prove her point that she can’t fathom a life with me beyond our friendship.
“Yeah, well, there’s more to it. There’s more to the pain I’ve dealt with all these years. You won’t understand. You don’t get it. I”ve carried it for both of us so you wouldn”t live life hurting the way I have.”
“What else do I need to get, Laney? If it’s so complicated, make it less complicated for me. Make me understand.” I throw my arms up, my voice raised with frustration.
I hate the shock that crosses her features as I try to calm myself down. I never raise my voice at her. I take a deep breath, and when I exhale, I feel myself calm just enough to continue speaking to her.
“I get it. You lost your friend that day in the most horrific way. You lost a lot of trust in the world. I get that, and I want to stand with you. But I feel like, as a friend, that’s not the only way I can show my support. I love you, Lane. I love you beyond anything I’ve felt for another person. You’re it, Laney. You’re the person I want forever with. Stop fighting this.”
I feel the tears pool in my eyes. My emotions are coming to the surface, and unlike the last eleven years, I’m not going to push them aside. I deserve to feel happiness too.
“You don’t get it, Grant!” Now, her voice is raised, her frustration evident in her tone. “I didn’t just lose Artie that day! I lost a piece of myself. I lost a part of me I will never get back.”
She storms off, apparently done with this conversation, but I’m not having it. I deserve answers. I deserve more than her pushing me away, the shooting being at the forefront of my reasons for keeping my personal feelings aside. But now I feel determined because if I don’t have this conversation now, I’ll live my life with regret, and I don’t need more of that sitting on my shoulders.
I have, since that phone call before she entered that hell on campus, regretted the fact I just didn’t confess my feelings to her right then. Since that dreadful day, I’ve held my truth close to my chest because I never wanted to confront my feelings.
I move toward her, my steps eating the distance between us physically, but emotionally, I know she’s much further than I’d like.
“Laney, what the hell do you want from me? I have given you time. I’ve given you my best, and you’re just tossing me aside? For what? What are you waiting for? Something better? Because let me tell you something, I have searched all over and no one amounts to you! Don’t you get that?” I go to grab her hand to pull her attention back onto me.
She turns and pulls her hand away, acting like my touch hurts her. That act alone hurts me to my core.
“Grant! Fuck! I lost myself that day. Literally lost myself in a way that scares me. You don’t get it because I never told you.”
Tears are falling down her cheeks, and I’m stunned by her words.
“You didn’t tell me what?” I can’t help the confusion lacing my words. What could she be referring to? We tell each other everything.
She looks up toward the heavens, closing her eyes and letting the tears fall into her hair. She then rights herself, her gaze firmly on mine.
“That day, I didn’t just lose a friend. I didn’t just lose my innocence. I lost us, Grant. I was pregnant, and I lost the baby.”