Chapter 18
I can easily say today has been the best I’ve felt since Grant left the city. I may have taken my heart with him, but today is the first time I can say I feel like myself again. Last night, I crashed on my bed when I got home. The lack of sleep finally caught up to me.
My days have been long since Grant left. I’m used to him being away from me for extended periods; however, we are never on this type of break from one another. I feel lost without him, and I have no clue what comes next for us.
I knew when he found out about the baby, he would be mad, but the extent of it was always what I wasn’t sure about. In many ways, each day that passed and I held onto this secret, I knew deep down the outcome would not be good.
That fear is something that kept me from telling him as each day, each month, and then each year passed by. That might be why I always hesitated to tell him before. I guess my concern was warranted. I don”t blame him for being upset, even disappointed, but I don”t know if I really comprehended how difficult his cold shoulder would feel directed toward me.
I’m in the kitchen getting ready for the day when my sister and kids come rushing in. The two younger ones are trying to reach the bagels on the top shelf of the pantry while Tyler is trying to find every snack possible to carry him through during basketball practice.
“Hey. You look so much better.” My sister is forever assessing my health, so I’m glad I pass the test by the Ellie standard.
She’s looking well herself now that she seems to have found a man to keep her busy. My sister has been through so much that I’m glad she finally has someone to care for her in that way.
It’s slightly ironic that when she and Becca have finally found their footing, I’m feeling more out of control with my personal life. I have always felt like no matter what I’ve been through, I had Grant to hold me up. Now I feel like I’m trying to pull my head above water while he’s been away and upset at me.
Ellie pulls me out of my thoughts as I continuously stir my tea, looking out the kitchen window at the sun trying to win the battle over the clouds.
“Any word from Grant?” My sister still doesn’t know the details, but I did confide in her that we got in a fight regarding some things I kept from him years ago, and he was taking some time to himself.
I shake my head. “He hasn’t called, nor do I know when he will be back. We text, but it just feels strained when we do.”
I can’t help but hold pain in my voice when describing how I’m feeling about the entire situation. I take a sip of tea and feel the warmth pass through me like a warm hug.
“Give it time, Lane. He loves you. He’ll be back.” My sister says this, but little does she comprehend how deep my love for Grant goes.
I’ve loved Grant for as long as I can remember. The problem is I wasn’t honest when I should have been. I’ve kept him at a distance for that reason and that reason alone. Now that he knows about the pregnancy, I feel like he’s seeing me, all of me, for the first time since the shooting, and he’s disappointed in who stands in front of him.
I nod toward my sister, and she’s quickly pulled from this moment and begins getting things in order to get the kids ready and out the door.
Mornings in this house are hectic, much like my mornings were when I was living with Becca. I watch as Elody and the kids move quickly through the kitchen, making breakfast and grabbing lunches in order to get themselves to school.
Tyler stays back a few minutes, even though he’s getting a ride from his mom to avoid the cold weather. Elody and the girls are running up and down the stairs, claiming they left something upstairs.
“Aunt Lane, everything okay?” my nephew inquires as I continue to stand in the kitchen, my movements minimal as the rest of them are scurrying about.
Tyler has always been a little more attentive than a usual teen. He’s constantly checking in on me, and it doesn’t feel like it comes from a place of pity. He simply cares, which is rare for a teenager. I can’t help but think of his dad when this side of him comes out.
Beau was a lot like this, always looking out for those around him. There isn’t a moment I don’t miss my brother-in-law, but it’s in moments like these I feel like he’s closer than I’ve given credit to when his son shows this nurturing side of himself.
“Yeah, just some stuff going on with Grant and me. Nothing to worry about.” I rub my hand on Tyler’s bicep, hoping he can sense how grateful I am for caring.
“Whatever it is, it can’t be that bad that he won’t go back to talking to you again.” He smiles at me, and I hold on to his words in hopes that the universe hears this and grants me this wish.
“Thanks, Ty. I hope so.” I feel the emotion creeping in again, and I can’t continue with more because I’m afraid the tears will begin.
Soon enough, they’re all running out the door, yelling at me to have a good day, and before I can even grasp it, the house is silent. I usually lean into the comfort of the quietness of the house, but today, it feels deafening.
Before I have much time to sit with my own discomfort, there’s a knock on my door. I place my tea on the kitchen counter and make my way to the front. I can’t help the hope that blossoms in my chest that Grant has decided to come back to the city and work things out with me.
My hopes are quickly shattered when I find Becca on the other end of the door, holding up some pastries, with Betty by her side.
The moment the sweet pup sees me, she rushes toward me, tail wagging, full of love to offer. Becca follows her dog into the house, me greeting her with a hug, and we make our way to the kitchen.
“Hey. What brings you by, Becca?”
I can’t help but wonder why she’s here. I have no problem hanging out with her on my own, but it’s not as common now that my sister moved to the city. We usually hang out the three of us together, rarely finding time for it to just be the two of us.
“I got a text from your sister before she headed to school saying you were up, so I thought I’d swing by with some snacks and your favorite fur baby.” She looks down at Betty, and I see her feign disappointment when she sees her dog looking at me like I hung the moon.
I can’t help but smile. Betty has taken to me in a way I never expected. She seems to sense I need a little tenderness compared to others and is not shy about showing her love for me each time we are around one another.
“I appreciate that. Thanks for coming by and for bringing my favorite girl over.” I bend down and scratch behind Betty’s ear. She leans into my touch, and my heart melts a little more for this canine buddy of mine.
“Let’s go sit. I’m going to grab some tea too. Just walking a few doors down made my muscles freeze.” She shivers, and I can’t help the smile that consumes my features.
“I’ll make you the tea, you sit down. Thanks for the morning pastries.” I open the bag and take a big whiff of the blueberry muffin she brought by. For some reason, this smells even better than it usually does. I can’t help the big inhale I take of the sugary goodness in the pastry bag.
“No problem. Hudson picked up the kids this morning, and I have a little while before I have to head over to the hospital. I have a patient in labor, but she’s not anywhere near delivering, so I’ve got some time.” She’s removing her layers of clothes like one peels an onion.
Once she’s comfortable, she plops down. Betty has long been removed from her leash and taken a seat in a corner nearby. My sister keeps a bed for Betty in the kitchen because Becca claims the dog can’t be away from her. I think Becca’s love for this dog goes beyond what some feel toward some humans. It’s quite cute to see.
I get another mug of tea ready for Becca, bring my drink along with hers to the table, and sit across from her. She’s inspecting me, not sure what she’s hoping to find.
“So, no word from Grant yet about when he’s coming back to the city?” Becca asks me.
Usually, I know Grant’s plans and whereabouts better than anyone, even his sister, but not today. She probably knows more about his plans than I do, which feels incredibly uncomfortable for me.
I shake my head, unable to elaborate further.
“Just to let you know, he didn’t tell me what’s going on with you two, but he did say he needed to get away. Anything I need to be concerned about with him?” she asks, genuinely worried about her younger brother.
“I don’t think so. He’s taking a break from me, not from anything or anyone else. I kept something from him, and he has every reason to be upset now that he knows. Sorry, I’m not saying more. I just need to get things figured out with Grant before I dive into the why with others. I hope you don’t mind.”
Becca shakes her head in return. “Of course not, Laney. I understand. We all need our space and our own time to move through the motions of life. Please know I’m here for you, much like I have been. I know Grant is my brother, but you’re my family too. I know that whatever you guys are going through, whatever you failed to tell him, you had your reasons. Grant will see that eventually.” She winks, probably trying to make me feel better.
“I hope so. He’s everything to me. I’ve just gone about it the wrong way to show him that.” I’m being incredibly cagey with my words, but I have no idea how to navigate this new territory with Grant. I’m frustrated by how much unknown lies between us.
“I get that. You look a lot better this morning, though. You get some more sleep last night?” She takes a sip of tea, but keeps her eyes on me, looking me over like she’s trying to decode my emotions from this one encounter.
“Yeah. I was wiped yesterday, and I think the lack of sleep finally caught up to me.” I smile at her and hope it’s enough to shift this conversation toward something not centered around Grant and how his absence is constant in this city full of people.
Luckily, Becca must sense my need to move along and changes the subject.
“It seems like our Ellie has been hiding a little secret of her own. What do you think is going on with her and that hockey guy she’s sneaking around with? Think it’s serious?”
I laugh because Becca is all about my sister finding love again. I know how hard Beau’s loss was on everyone, but what people neglect to talk about is the emptiness the spouse feels after a loss. There’s a period of sadness and mourning, but then people go about their business. The family is left to continue life on their own and maneuver through the grief the best they can. I only got a sense of this because I live with them. I’m immersed in their grief and see the sadness reflected in my sister’s eyes.
My sister has been a pillar of strength for her family. She has put all her energy into her kids and ensuring they thrive. Somewhere in the mix, she lost a bit of that love for herself, and it seems she’s finally coming up from the sorrow she had held. Or at least I hope she is.
Becca stays for about an hour, and then she heads off. She has to force Betty to get up from the comfort of her bed, and I can see the irritation in the dog’s expression. I laugh as Becca rolls her eyes.
Once they’re out the door, I make my way upstairs to get ready for a few classes I’m teaching at the yoga studio.
“Lift your left leg up into a three-legged dog. Now, bring that leg through into a left-sided pigeon.” I’m taking large breaths in and out as I teach and my students moves through my verbal prompts.
I started to teach the hot classes in recent months, and they are taking everything out of me lately. My body is exhausted as I move through class this morning.
Top it off with the stress of not seeing or hearing from Grant in a week, and my mind is just as tired. We’ve texted, but our communication is short and to the point. He’s checking in on me, and I do the same back. We’ve never been this way with one another, and each day is adding to my anxiety.
It seems he’s spending time with his mom and niece while he’s in-between jobs. He flies out in ten days to Fiji, photographing some beach resorts for a local travel magazine. He said he’d find a moment to come back into the city before flying out from here. I just wish I knew more details instead of this cryptic messaging back and forth.
We are usually so involved in one another’s lives that this feels superficial. I hate how surface-level our conversations have become, and I hope we can find our normal interactions together again. I know he’s hurt, but I just need to know we will be okay.
Now that I have let go of this secret I carried for so long, I see things more clearly. Each day since he’s been away, the clarity that I want to be with him, completely with him, is more evident. I want all the memories in the future to be with him by my side. I just couldn”t focus on us creating anything moving forward while I was holding on to old ones. I couldn”t move forward without letting go of this big piece of the past.
I finish out class, the students are moving through the poses, and I’m trying to keep myself upright. The moment everyone is in Savasana, I excuse myself, stating I will meet everyone outside once they’re ready to head out.
The moment I exit the hot room, I’m hit with that cool air, and I’m gasping for breath, my body attempting to adjust to the change in temperature and humidity. As much as I started the day feeling refreshed, I began to feel awful the moment I entered that hot room today. Maybe with the days I took off after the holidays, my body is still acclimating to the hotter weather. The fluctuation of temperature from the over one-hundred-degree hot room to the winter wonderland that’s outside might be contributing to how I’m feeling right now.
I move toward the desk, fanning my face, black spots clouding my vision, as I notice a few students starting to shuffle out.
“Great class today, Laney,” I hear some students call out.
Then I feel someone touch my shoulder, “Hey, are you okay?” I recognize my student Kendra’s voice, but I feel my vision go, and soon, I’m fully engulfed in black.