Chapter 20
I wake up surrounded by students, and I can hear the faint sounds of the ambulance in the distance. What happened to me? And why am I on the floor?
Kendra is hovering over me. “Laney, you fainted. Don’t make any sudden movements.”
I turn to my side, and the moment I do, I feel a wave of nausea pass over me. I put my hand over my mouth, and another person grabs the wastebasket from the front desk and shoves it in front of me right as I vomit all the water I was downing throughout class.
I sit back, embarrassed but unable to focus on that, as I see a few paramedics come through the lobby doors. I’m now surrounded by EMTs while students make room. I can see the worry etched along those that were just on their mats, here to relax, and I’m causing the exact opposite of a calm environment.
“Ma’am, I heard you fainted. Did you hurt anything when you fell?” I move my upper body up, leaning against the front of the welcome desk in the lobby. I’m still catching up to what happened, unable to recall anything after I fainted. Luckily, Kendra chimes in.
“Laney fainted in front of me when I went to talk to her. She was pale, and it looked like she couldn’t focus on me. Then her eyes rolled back, and her knees gave out. Tad was there to break her fall.”
I look over to my left and find him standing in the distance, a look of concern etched across his face. I give him a small smile that I hope depicts my gratitude. Thank goodness he was there to help me, or I could have really injured myself by bumping my head.
I recall Tad had missed a few classes due to traveling back home for the holidays, and this was his first class back. What a way to ring in his first yoga class of the year. I internally roll my eyes at my body’s inability to do a simple hot class.
“Thanks for the information, Miss…” The paramedic is looking at Kendra.
“Miss Slezky. Miss Kendra Slezky.”
Is she fucking flirting right now? What on earth is wrong with her?
I look over at the gentleman wrapping a blood pressure cuff around my arm while another has a clipboard writing down everything Kendra and the other students are recalling.
The cuff squeezes while another device is connected to my opposite finger to calculate the oxygenation in my blood. I remember all this from when I was rushed to the hospital in Wyoming. It does not bring back memories I’d like to relive right about now.
“Dan, her BP is eighty-five over fifty. I think we should take you back to the hospital and get you checked out. They will want to monitor you to see if this was related to something more serious.”
Right then, I see Loni rush through the doors. She looks panicked, something I rarely see. She is usually what people would expect of a yogi, fully immersed in her chakras and feeling connected to her own spirituality.
“I’m the studio owner. Laney is one of the teachers here. What happened?” She looks over at me, giving me a once-over.
I hold up my hand, “It’s okay, Loni. I think my body didn’t adapt well to the change from hot to cold when I came out of the room, and I fainted. I’m okay. Really.”
The paramedic wants to say more, but he states, “We have to take her to the hospital.”
Loni nods, grabbing my hand, most likely trying to pass some spiritual senses my way to heal without the need for Western medicine. I assume this because each time I have had a cold or a headache, she gives me some really interesting homeopathic remedies.
“That’s no problem. Laney, I will take over the rest of your classes, and you let me know how you’re doing, yes?”
I nod toward her, the exhaustion hitting me again. Luckily, the nausea seems to have subsided.
“Oh, you might want to toss that trash bag.” I point over to the waste bin next to me.
“Don’t you worry about it. Nothing I haven’t seen.” She winks at me, her calm nature starting to return. She’s pushing my hair back from my face, and the comfort it brings makes me smile.
The paramedics put me on a gurney, and the embarrassment is causing me to turn beet red. I hope I can laugh about this later because right now, I want to crawl under a rock.
We make the quick trip to the hospital that I know is the same one Becca works at. I don”t know if she is already here for her shift today, but I better text her.
The moment the doors open to the ambulance, I realize my plan to text her is void because she’s standing there, stricken by the sight of me on a gurney.
“I’m okay,” I tell her when they bring the stretcher down and start moving me toward the emergency room entrance. “I fainted after my hot class. I think my body is just not acclimating well to the changes in temperature. This is all a bit more dramatic than it has to be. How did you find out?”
Becca’s in doctor mode, taking in what I’m telling her and giving orders even though she works maternity and not emergency.
“I must still be your emergency contact at the studio because Loni called me immediately after the paramedics left. I’m waiting for my patient to fully dilate, so I thought I’d come check on you.”
Once we are in the room, Becca continues her bossiness, not caring that I’m telling her I feel fine now.
“Also, Lynn, add a pregnancy panel to the blood work,” she says to the nurse who’s in the room taking my vitals and clicking things on the computer screen in front of her.
I start laughing. “Very funny, Becca. Pregnancy panel. You’re crazy.” I continue to laugh, thinking she’s going to join me.
When I look over, Becca is looking at me, no laughter or even a smile crossing her face.
“You can’t be serious?” I ask her.
“Let’s list off all your symptoms, shall we? Nausea, vomiting, fainting, peeing like you’re on diuretics, then eating random things. Should I go on?” She looks at me, my expression probably morphing from this being a ridiculous joke to a possibility I hadn’t thought of prior. She continues, “Yeah, I think you’re a classic case of being knocked up.”
I sit in silence, then realize once again what a preposterous idea this is. “Please, I just had sex not that long ago. I’ve had these symptoms for months, right around the time I started to teach these hot-as-hell classes. I’m drinking double the amount of water due to the hot room, along with feeling exhausted and needing more food to keep up. My body’s just not used to it yet. That’s all,” I tell her, convinced I know my body better than anyone.
“Oh no? You didn’t have sex a few months back? Maybe when you, I don’t know, went to California?” She looks at me, now sporting a sly little smirk.
My mouth drops, “Grant fucking told you? What the hell, Becca? You guys talk about that? Gross!”
She makes a face, like she sucked on a lemon. “No, disgusting. I could give two shits about what my brother does.” Then she gives me a little wink. “Or who—but I did see how chipper he was after that little getaway, so I made assumptions. Plus, you’ve had every symptom like a fucking textbook, and I made an educated guess. You know I studied this, and I see it daily, right?”
Yeah, she knows her stuff, but there’s no way. I have that IUD that can stay in for ten years. I’m not due to replace it yet.
I keep thinking about it, and Becca sits and watches me as I calculate everything in my head. As it clicks in my mind, I see Becca puff out her chest like she’s fucking Einstein. Doctors are so damn cocky.
“Is it all coming together now?” she asks, standing on her Goddamn pedestal while I can feel all the color in my face drain out.
“It’s happening again,” I whisper, feeling too much familiarity with what happened years ago.
“What do you mean?” She looks at me while tears pool in my eyes.
“This has happened to me already. I’ve been pregnant, and I miscarried.”
I look down, the tears falling from my eyes and directly on the hospital blanket in my lap. I’m still in my sweaty clothes, and the energy to change is not even close to the forefront of my mind.
“Oh, Laney. When? I’m so sorry you went through that. Your sister never mentioned anything.” She brings her arm around and squeezes me while I let her take me into her arms.
“I lost the baby the day of the shooting. I found out that morning before everything happened.” I feel like I’m reliving a nightmare, although this time, I have no idea where I stand with Grant. At least that day, when I saw those two lines, I felt confident he’d be excited. I felt like it was a new chapter for us.
But right now, I feel lost in whatever phase we are going through. I feel like we are both wandering aimlessly without one another to lean on. The fact I’m possibly pregnant for a second time, with Grant’s baby again, I feel like the parallels are absolutely crippling me right now.
Becca caresses my head, and I lean into her grasp even more.
“I had no idea. All those times I came home and complained of exhaustion after a tough delivery or even shared my story of a loss on my shift, I did so carelessly in front of you while we lived together. Your sister never told me.”
I shake my head. “I never told anyone. I only told my therapist when I moved here.”
I pull away, ashamed of my previous behavior about not leaning into the love that those around me showered me with to help me cope.
Becca sits down next to me, the chair scraping against the hospital floor. She grasps my hand and crouches down so we can be at eye level with one another.
“You’re not alone this time, Lane. Grant isn’t going to abandon you. He loves you. Whatever this rough patch you’re going through, he’ll let it go the minute he finds out.”
“I’m not so certain. I really hurt him.” I close my eyes, knowing this confession will hurt Becca. She’s Grant’s sister. There’s no way this won’t break her heart, not just for the life that was lost but for the pain I caused her own brother.
“I doubt that,” she scoffs. She has no idea what I’m about to say.
“Grant was the father,” I say a little above a whisper.
“Yeah, Laney, I deduced as much after that trip a few months back.” She dismisses my comment, not realizing what tense I used. “Hold on. What do you mean ‘was the father?’”
Her hand flies to her mouth the moment she connects the dots, and tears pool in her eyes.
“Oh no. No, no, no, no, no. Please, Laney, tell me I’m misunderstanding. Grant? Grant was the father of the baby you lost.” The last thing she said wasn’t a question but a statement.
I keep my gaze down, shame taking over my thoughts as I feel her eyes on me.
We sit there a bit, taking in what I just said and letting it sink in. I tell her about how I just uncovered all this to Grant days ago instead of years ago, like I should have. But in true Becca form, she stands up, brushes the skirt of her outfit, and then straightens herself, standing tall with her doctor’s coat as her shield.
“Okay, Laney. There’s no time to dwell on this. I cannot judge you for something you did during one of the hardest moments in your life. I have no idea how I would have handled all that. But I do know my daughter came into this world, and I had a decision to either be upset that her father left us behind, or I could forge on and make her life the best possible. I love you, Laney. What you just told me doesn’t change that, you understand me?”
I look up, my face covered in tears, my pain evident in my expression.
“I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry I didn’t say anything earlier. I just didn”t know how to tell him. I didn’t want to make him more sad. I saw how hard he handled the shooting and seeing me in pain. I couldn’t add this to his heart. I just couldn’t.”
Now I’m sobbing, hiccuping as I speak, having difficulty letting everything out to the person who played a huge role in my recovery. She welcomed me with open arms into her home, and I couldn’t even tell her I lost a baby with the only man my heart has ever belonged to, who is her brother of all people.
“Shhh.” Becca comforts me as I continue to soak her lab coat, feeling like I’m not just shedding the pain of my past but the pain I’ve recently caused to Grant’s life. I feel like I’m shedding a part of me while Becca holds me in her arms.
Eventually, my sobs slow, and I feel myself able to take in a full breath without feeling like the tears are going to threaten to take over again.
The nurse walks in, little empty tubes in her hand, ready to get me some answers about what I feel is inevitable.
Once the labs are sent off, Becca sits with me, explaining that she will not tell anyone what I just confessed. She also reassured me that whatever the results were, she would not tell a soul. She wanted me to know I was supported in whatever means I needed.
She did, however, confess that she texted Grant right when she heard I was transported to the hospital by ambulance. He responded immediately, stating he was on his way. It’s going to take him a few hours to get here, so I should know what’s going on by the time I see him in person.
It turns out that if I got pregnant when I went out to California, that would mean I’m nearly out of my first trimester. The thought that I could be that far along is mind-boggling. I don’t feel pregnant; however, with this IUD, I have some strange spotting sometimes. I have had irregular periods since I got this thing placed, and I’ve gotten used to it. The problem is, the last time I bled could have simply been implantation bleeding and not my actual period. Add to the fact I don”t even look pregnant, my belly just as flat now as it was before my trip to the west coast.
Becca did say with me possibly being this far along, I could just do an ultrasound, but she felt that it should be something she did with Grant here if that’s the case. The only other is the IUD itself. She needs to do an ultrasound to see where the IUD is.
Depending on the placement, she will remove the IUD once an ultrasound is done. There is a risk of miscarriage when removed, but she said some rest will be required and that she will monitor me if my tests show I am, indeed, pregnant. Grant and I were both robbed of a positive experience last time, and all I want is to feel just a piece of happiness if this turns out to be our second chance as parents.