Epilogue
“Just one more push, Laney.” Becca is way too close to my vagina right now, but fuck, this hurts. The epidural hasn’t taken away this damn pressure I need to get rid of.
“You said that last time, Becca!” I moan and I’m beyond exhausted. This is too much. Grant is putting a fresh washcloth on my forehead and whispering words of encouragement into my ear. I thought I’d hate having him this close to my face while I was pushing, but it’s become a source of comfort in the last ninety minutes since I started pushing.
“This baby is not coming out. Let’s call it a day and try again later!” I declare to the entire room. The traitors laugh at me like I’m some comedian at a comedy club. They think I’m kidding. Yeah fucking right.
“Babe, you’re almost done. I see the head. The baby’s got hair, dark like mine. I promise, you’re so close.”
Grant is being incredibly sweet, but all I can muster is a scowl, which he laughs at. If I were to punch him, would he laugh? I doubt it.
I feel the pressure build, and Becca is quick to catch it when she feels my belly harden. “Come on, Lane. You got this. The baby is almost here. Let’s do this!”
She’s way too enthusiastic right now, but my body has a mind of its own, and I begin to bring my legs back, mustering all the strength I can in hopes this truly is my last push to get the baby out.
Finally, I hear Becca give me new instructions, “Okay, easy does it, Laney. The baby has a cord around the neck, so stop pushing while I cut the cord. Hold on.” I see her ask for something, and then it must be remedied because she’s asking me to push again.
“Okay, now push and look down to see your baby enter this world.” From the crinkling of her eyes, I can tell she’s got the biggest smile on her face underneath that mask. How she’s doing this knowing that her niece or nephew is about to be born is beyond me. Grant has been crying from the moment he could see hair.
Before I can even blink again, I hear the first cry from our baby. The sweet screams I’ve longed to hear are finally filling the delivery room, and the relief is immediate. I look down and see our baby screaming, red face and white goop all over their body.
Becca lays the baby directly on my chest, and the nurses begin to wipe vigorously, causing my child to scream even harder. I can barely see straight because tears are streaming out of my eyes at this point.
I look up and see Grant in complete awe right now. Adoration is abundant in his features as he looks at the miracle we created.
His eyes look over at me, and then he’s kissing me and whispers, “You are incredible. You did it. You have made me the happiest person alive.” I feel his tears mix with mine on my cheek, and all I can do is smile.
I move my gaze to the baby and then toward Becca. She’s giving orders to the nurse but also stealing glances at our newest family member. I know she wants to show some emotion, but she’s in full doctor mode.
I gave Becca the opportunity to sit this one out and simply be the proud aunt because I got all hormonal weeks ago and felt bad to have pretty much forced her to be my doctor back when I first learned of my pregnancy. But she wouldn’t have it.
As long as I was okay with it, she wanted to have a part in the baby’s arrival into this world. She sat by me during the entirety of my forty-hour labor. It started at home, and she worked with me in the early stages to ensure Grant got enough rest, knowing this would likely take some time.
Now here we are, our family a little bigger and a little more fulfilled.
“I’m so proud of you, Laney. You were a champion pusher.” She winks at me while delivering my placenta.
The room moves about while I stare at the baby, in awe of this creature I get to call mine. I’m speechless at the miracle in my arms and the fact that my life is coming into its own from the ashes of my past.
Once I’m cleaned up, and the largest ice pack and diaper arrangement is put on me in the ugliest hospital version of Victoria’s Secret underwear known to man, I bask in this post-delivery glow. Grant can’t stop talking to our baby, touching the fingers and toes, letting the little hand wrap around his one index finger.
Time passes too quickly, and it’s time to let Grant have a turn with our little bean. He’s quick to remove his shirt to start skin-to-skin. Becca has been in and out of the room, making sure we know the family has gotten updates about how I’m doing. She promised not to tell anyone if we had a boy or a girl, an announcement we wanted everyone to hear from us. Becca is doing us a favor and allowing everyone in the waiting room to come back quickly for us to do the big reveal.
The moment the baby’s placed on his chest, I see his smile grow larger, which I didn’t think was possible. “I never knew I could feel this complete in my life, Laney. Perfection.”
He kisses the top of the baby’s head, and I notice him take a big whiff of that sweet baby smell. It’s intoxicating, and I’ve only been a mother for the span of an hour.
But it’s what Grant says to our baby that makes me fall in love with him all over again.
“I think all my steps in life have led to this moment. In reality, they’ve led to you, my little bean.”
Moving through the park, the warm breeze along my skin, I can’t help the smile that overcomes my face. I look over to see my daughter’s head resting comfortably on my husband’s chest as he holds her in the baby carrier. Sleep has taken over her sweet little body after soaking in the sights and sounds of the city. This must be what bliss feels like because it’s something I haven’t felt in far too long.
My fingers rub against the solid ring he wears on his left hand. I look down and remember that day as one of my absolute favorites.
A few months back, Grant took me to ice cream on the first day of spring. It was completely unplanned, and I kept complaining that the weather wasn’t quite screaming ice cream. He insisted, and I let him drag me and my growing belly to the nearest ice cream shop. Of course, it was empty, but he insisted. I was choosing my flavors because I am the most indecisive person when it comes to ice cream, and when I turned back to see what he wanted, he was down on one knee.
He told me that he could still remember us as kids ordering ice cream on a hot summer day in Nebraska. He said despite all the years that have passed, watching me think hard over a flavor just to choose vanilla bean is still something he holds close to his heart. He told me that life started the moment we met, and he has never looked back.
Of course, not only was he romantic and saying all the things to make my heart melt, but I was a hormonal mess in my pregnancy at that time, and I screamed yes as fast as the words would spill out. A few short weeks later we were exchanging vows in my sister”s backyard. We had an intimate ceremony with our family.
I kept it simple because everything leading up to that moment had been anything but. The love this man has always shown me has carried me during my hardest times, even if I didn’t really give much notice to it at the time. He stabilizes me, keeps both my feet on the ground, and reminds me that even on our darkest days, we will always find a way to see the light.
“What are you thinking of?” He pulls me out of my thoughts, and I look over to find that smile of his, dimples and all.
“Just thinking of the day you asked me to be yours.” I return the smile, and everything around us fades, much like it always does when I’m surrounded by his love.
“Oh really, Mrs. Stanley. You thinking of when I asked or what I did to you after?” I feel the warmth of my cheeks deepen with the thoughts of the things he did to my body later that day when we celebrated.
I bite my lip and can’t hide how just the notion of him touching me is setting everything on fire for me.
That reminds me. I pull out my phone and check my calendar app. I cannot believe I waited all this time to count out the weeks. Our girl is six weeks old today.
“Everything okay?” I can hear the concern etched in his tone.
“Everything is perfect. Let’s get home and get a proper nap for our girl.”
Right then, Cassandra stirs, her arms that were limp by her side come up, her little fists balled up and rubbing her face. She slowly opens one eye, then the next, her bright aqua gaze finding mine. They say babies take time to show their true eye color, but I find it hard to believe hers will change too much from this shade of blue-green she shares with her father.
She came out looking like a replica of Grant’s, and each day that passes, I see more of him in her. Her dark hair has a reddish hue in the light, so she’s got a little of her mama mixed in there, but the fact that we made this precious baby together, with love we didn’t even know was possible between two people, is something that still captivates me each time I look at her.
The moment we get to our apartment, it’s full-on baby care mode. Of course, on the ride up the elevator, Cassie has an explosive diaper, so Grant is running her to the shower, now needing one himself, while I get myself ready to sit in her rocker to feed her before putting her back down. She didn’t get a full nap while we were out, so I’m hoping I can get her back in the bassinet for a bit of a longer rest.
We’ll be headed to my sister’s house today after she and Wyatt get some weekend activities done with the kids. School just started, so they’re back to their hectic routine. Wyatt and Tessa moved in with them this past spring, shortly after Grant’s proposal, and it seems the adjustment is going smoothly. The moment I left the brownstone, it felt weird but right for everyone.
Grant and I found a small space not too far away. Grant insisted we focus on a safe neighborhood, although housing prices are through the roof. After years of working but not settling, he had enough saved, and we were able to find a place that worked for both of us. Once I get clearance, I will return to the yoga studio and teach classes.
This has been a constant argument between Grant and me. Although he supports my need to return to work, he is still having a hard time after everything with Tad. We just got word that Tad will spend the next year in prison for what he did to me. Due to good behavior, he will most likely not spend as much time behind bars, but the fact that he held me against my will, physically assaulted me by grabbing my arm forcefully, and because I was pregnant, all leaned in our favor for him to serve some time.
It turns out Tad had fallen in love with a woman that he experienced the tragedy at his school with years ago. When those feelings weren’t reciprocated, it pulled Tad further into a depression he was fighting. Once Tad and I crossed paths, he believed fate had been at play and became obsessed with me and my past. His mental health kept deteriorating with time and he spiraled until it all came crashing down that day at the studio.
The issues that arose from this are the reason that I fought for him to get some mental healthcare. As much as what he did was disturbing and upsetting, on top of everything potentially harmful for me and the baby, I can’t help but feel like prison time is more of a band-aid than a solution. So, I pushed for him to have less time behind bars and be transferred to a mental health facility that could help him deal with the trauma he suffered. If he is going to be released back into this world, he needs to know how to cope.
This was a point of contention for Grant and I. He was in favor of Tad rotting for as long as possible after what he did to me. But I had to explain how his trauma was so similar to mine and that if I hadn’t had the support from everyone around me, I could easily have suffered much like Tad did.
Luckily, Grant understood after many long chats, and he realized how important this was for me. Now here we are, understanding that we need to find a way to live our lives to the fullest. It’s strange having this mindset while Grant struggles because, for so long, it was him trying to guide me to see the positives life could bring while I sat in fear of something catastrophic occurring around me.
I hear Grant’s voice carry over the small space, and it’s hard not to smile. I make my way down the hall and into Cassie’s room. The crib that’s in here is one she rarely uses, only when I’m putting laundry away, or we are playing early in the morning, allowing Grant some extra hours of sleep.
Sitting in the rocker, I finally feel like my body is starting to mold back into what it once was. But I look in the mirror and see parts of me that will be forever altered, and I’m okay with that. So much of my past changed me in ways you couldn’t see just by looking at me. To know that I grew this beautiful being and have altered myself physically to adapt to that growth is something quite amazing.
I hear Grant’s footsteps and our daughter’s sounds as they make their way toward me in the room. The moment he enters, his face lights up, our daughter in his arms, looking like the luckiest man alive.
“The princess is ready, my queen.” He winks as he hands her over to me. Cassie is quick to pick up on the fact that she’s going to eat, already rooting to find her meal source. The moment she latches on, she calms, and it’s in these moments I savor each second because I know from watching my sister and Becca raise their kids, it all moves way too quickly.
Grant takes a seat on the floor, bringing his palms up my leg to massage my calves. I let my head fall back, and I close my eyes. Something about these quiet moments together fills my cup in a way I never imagined before.
After she’s fed, Cassie is completely out. Grant grabs her to place her in the bassinet. At least that’s the plan, but he goes ahead and puts her in the crib. I’m buttoning my shirt when I notice where he’s putting her.
“Grant, the bassinet,” I whisper.
He’s not answering me or making a move to take her into our room, where the bassinet is. Before I can understand what’s happening, he’s grabbing my hand and pulling me to stand, then moving us quickly out of the room and walking toward ours.
“What are you—” He cuts me off with a kiss. Not just any kiss, but a kiss that is bound to lead us being naked in bed. Once we separate, I see a slow smile cross his features.
“You didn’t really think I would not know today is six weeks since little bean joined the world, right? I have been counting down until this moment, Laney.” He’s pulling my leggings down my body and throwing them haphazardly across the room. Next to come off are my panties.
“Do you want me, Lane?” he asks, hopefulness in his tone.
“I always want you, Grant. It’s not even a question.” That spurs him on to remove my top, and my breasts fall, heavier and larger than I ever thought possible.
“Fuck, Laney. I love you so much. Look how perfect you are.” He buries his face in the crook of my neck and begins kissing me, biting my earlobe and whispering how much he wants to be inside me. I feel the wetness pool in my center, and I’m pulling on his clothing, frustrated he’s still fully dressed.
“Get this off, Grant. I need to feel you on me.” He pushes away from me and takes his clothes off. There’s no finesse to this moment because we’re desperate for one another.
Once he’s naked, he lunges for me, our movements frantic. He brings one of my tender breasts to his mouth, and the moan that escapes my mouth is feral. My need for this man is something I depend on. I am not complete without him. He is what makes me feel whole.
I feel his crown near my entrance, and I stop our movements.
“Grant, condom.” I can’t wait to have more children with him, but I want to enjoy what we have with Cassie before we add more.
“Shit, I forgot.” He gets up and moves toward the nightstand.
“Someone was feeling lucky,” I tell him, knowing he doesn’t usually have condoms in the house for us to use.
“Let’s just say my sister scared the shit out of me when I made the mistake of acting like breastfeeding was contraception enough.” He chuckles, and I know what he means. Becca was very clear that just by breastfeeding alone, there was no guarantee I wouldn’t be pregnant soon after starting to have sex again.
The moment he sheaths himself, he’s quick to return, his warm body engulfing mine, his lips taking over, kissing me until my lips tingle.
I push him to lay his body on the bed, and I straddle him. I got used to this position when I was pregnant, and the way I feel him hit those sweet spots deep inside me, I long for that after so long.
I hover over his cock and slowly start to ease down, his crown disappearing and causing me to moan once again. I’ve missed this, and from the look of desire on his face, he is feeling the same way.
His hands are on my hips, helping guide himself inside me, and the moment I’m fully seated on him, we both take deep breaths, letting my body adjust to his size. I was nervous about how I would feel after delivery, but from how I’m feeling right now, it’s absolutely incredible.
I slowly start to move, and my hands are on his pecs, finding my rhythm as he squeezes my ass.
“Laney, fuck, you feel so good. Baby, are you okay?” I nod at him, unable to form words, and I feel him hitting all the right spots inside me.
My movements get faster, unable to stop myself from chasing this high. I thought we’d take this slow, but I can’t get enough of this feeling. I missed connecting with Grant at this level, and the moment I felt him inside me, I couldn’t stop my body from moving.
“Grant, I’m gonna come.” I feel his grip tighten on my hips, and I know I’ll see marks of his on me later. Soon, I feel my orgasm take over my body, my hips moving at their own volition. I fall off that cliff, feeling my pussy spasm around him.
The moment I come off my high, I’m moved to lay on my back. Grant positions himself on top of me, bringing one leg over his shoulder, pounding into me, chasing his own climax. I watch his face, his reaction euphoric in nature, and I feel like I could take that leap once more, feeling myself tighten around him yet again.
“Yes, fuck, you squeeze me so tight, Laney.” His hips continue to move erratically, and then I feel him explode, the condom catching his release.
He lays there, both of us trying to catch our breath. I can feel the sweat between our two bodies, and I know a shower is on the agenda right after this.
I use my hands to grab his face and bring our gazes back to one another.
“It just seems to get better.” I smile, loving his post-orgasmic expression.
“I feel for you, Bean. Because I’m probably going to get you pregnant sooner than you expect. That was fucking amazing.” He kisses me slowly and sensually.
I breathe him in and feel my love for not only him but this life, growing into something bigger. I know that there was a time in my life when I thought everything I was supposed to be died at that university. I believed that I would never see the world with beauty and always be ready for the next tough moment.
But Grant stood with me. He held me. He allowed me to build up the strength to live a better life on my own time. And that built trust, not only in my ability to embrace the next adventure but to love beyond the hurt I carried in my heart.