6. Sunny #2
We play a lot and work very little—me babysitting sporadically for my neighbor’s twins, and Dex teaching swim lessons a few times a week at the community center.
If Mia and Evan were in town, I’m sure we’d be hanging out with them too.
But Evan’s aunt and uncle encouraged him to stay at their home in Hong Kong for the entire summer, and they were kind enough to invite Mia to join him.
I miss her, but I’m definitely enjoying all this time alone with Dex.
On our free days, while his parents are at work, we spend hours and hours in his bed.
But soon, this blissful summer will come to an end.
And although Dex and I have had sex countless times (I lost track after twenty, and that was only two weeks in), neither of us has initiated a conversation about actual feelings, much less defining our relationship.
Is Dex my boyfriend? I have no idea. And what happens when we go back to college in a couple of weeks?
I don’t know the answer to that either. I’m not sure I want to.
Because, deep down, this all feels too good to be true. And I don’t want to rock the boat, so I decide to leave well enough alone. I choose uncertainty because, if I ask Dex for answers, I run the risk of losing him.
But as the summer dwindles, I find it harder to keep my angst at bay.
It's a rainy Monday morning, and Dex is teaching swim lessons, so I take slow sips of coffee at the kitchen table and poke at my cereal while wondering how I’ll make it through another school year without him.
Just when I’m starting to spiral, I hear my mom come in through the front door.
She sighs as she makes her way into the kitchen.
“Hey, Mom. You’re home…early? Or late maybe?”
“Late,” she says while stifling a yawn. “Ruptured spleen. He’s fine now, although it was touch and go there for a while, because?—”
“I’m glad he’s okay,” I chime in quickly before she gives me the gory details.
Sometimes when my mom’s especially tired, she forgets that I can only handle the CliffsNotes version of her workday.
And right now, she looks exhausted. But instead of heading upstairs to lie down, she grabs a yogurt from the fridge and sits across from me.
It’s such a rare occasion when we eat breakfast together, it feels completely unnatural.
We take a few bites in silence, and I glance over at the clock on the stove, willing time to speed up so I can be back in Dex’s arms, where I belong.
“Are you okay, sweetie?” my mom asks as she haphazardly stirs her yogurt. “You seem pensive.”
I shrug as though I have no clue what she’s talking about, then shake my head. “I’m fine.”
My mom stirs a bit more determinedly, even though the fruit on the bottom of her cup of yogurt is clearly well-distributed at this point.
“I hear that you and Dex have been spending a lot of time together this summer,” she says without looking up at me, which is a very good thing because, if she were to look at me, she’d know right away that I’m in acute distress.
Flushed cheeks, shallow breathing, beads of sweat on my brow.
Her specialty is trauma—these are the kinds of things she notices.
I take a deep breath and try my hardest not to sound panicked. “How would you happen to know that, Mom? You’ve barely been home the entire summer,” I say, keeping my eyes on the soggy flakes swimming in my bowl.
I hear my mom exhale. “I ran into John Dexter at the hospital the other day. He was visiting a colleague. He told me they’ve been seeing a lot of you at their house lately. Just like old times.” When I look up, her bloodshot eyes are fixed on me. “He’s thrilled, of course.”
I can’t help but smile despite the weighty displeasure that’s causing my mom’s brow to furrow and the corners of her mouth to turn down. “Well, I love spending time with them. You know that.”
“Hmm,” my mom grumbles as she stabs at that poor, defenseless cup of yogurt.
“I just want to make sure you’re focusing on what’s important.
Getting into Northwestern Law won’t be easy, Sunny.
You need to keep your eyes on the prize.
Maybe there are some books you can read to get a head start for next year. ”
I let out a heaving sigh. “Mom, I honestly don’t know what you’re worried about. I worked really hard last year and got As in all my classes. My eyes are on the prize. But it’s summer, and if I don’t take a break from studying, I’ll burn out. And as far as Dex goes…we’re catching up. That’s all.”
I try hard to sound nonchalant but, on the inside, I’m freaking out.
My mom’s been at work since yesterday evening, right?
Is there any way she could have found out that Dex drove us to our high school last night, and we snuck in through the back door of the gym?
That we ended up having sex in our library’s small (but stellar) poetry section?
He was reading me his favorite Neruda poem…
and it was the way he looked at me when he said “sunbeam” that did me in.
I’m being ridiculous. There’s no way she could possibly know that. Is there?
“Just don’t get too attached,” she demands, her eyes burning holes straight through me.
I get up from the table and pour myself more coffee, which is a terrible idea because it will only make me more jittery. “Attached?” I attempt to say as coolly as possible despite my shaking hands.
“Look, sweetheart. We’ve talked about this before. Dex is handsome and charming—no one can blame you for having a crush. But I hope a crush is all it is. Because you’ll never be able to hold onto a man like him. Trust me.”
It’s the cruelest thing anyone’s ever said to me. I wonder if she can see it in my eyes when I sit back down and sip my coffee—how much she just hurt me.
“I don’t only mean you , sweetie, of course not.
You’re smart, and beautiful, and any man would be lucky to have you.
But Dex is not the kind of guy who’s ever going to settle down.
I mean, he wants to be an actor, for Chrissake.
And with his good looks? He’ll have women throwing themselves at him left and right.
I’m sure he already does. And is that really what you want, Sunny?
To live in a man’s shadow like that? To abandon your own dreams and follow him around like a lovesick puppy?
And hope, against all odds, that he’ll come home to you every night? ”
I stand up from the table and take my still-full coffee mug and bowl of soggy flakes to the sink. “You’re being absurd,” I say in my most convincing voice. “Dex and I are just friends.”
I make it out of the kitchen, up the stairs, and into the bathroom just seconds before I throw up.
It’s Labor Day weekend. The unofficial end of summer.
Dex suggested we go on a camping trip, which we haven’t done since junior year of high school.
And for the first time ever, it’ll be only the two of us.
I’m so excited, despite the looming cloud that’s been over my head ever since the morning my mom roasted Dex during breakfast. I didn’t even consider telling her the actual truth about where I was going this weekend.
I lied and said my roommate invited me to her family’s lake house in Michigan again.
Not that my mom can stop me from going on an unchaperoned camping trip with Dex—I’m a grown woman—but I don’t want to give her another opportunity to slander him.
I’m already having a hard enough time getting her malignant words out of my head.
You’ll never be able to hold onto a man like him .
But whenever I’m with Dex, and he’s kissing me, and touching me, and his arms are wrapped tightly around me, all my worries disappear.
And when he looks into my eyes the way he’s looking at me right now, like he truly, deeply knows me…
that’s when I know in my heart that everything’s going to be okay.
“You have the biggest smile on your face,” he says to me with a laugh in between kisses.
We’re lying on a blanket under a sky full of stars, in a secluded spot at our favorite childhood campsite, and I’m so giddy, I can’t help but giggle.
And maybe it’s the two beers I downed with the brats we made for dinner, but I’m feeling a little more bold than usual tonight.
So this time, I tell him exactly what I’m thinking.
“It’s just so crazy. I mean, we used to come here all the time as kids. And now, here we are…kissing.” I giggle again, and Dex’s lips land on mine, both of us smiling.
“I used to think about this all the time,” he whispers in my ear before he starts to kiss the skin right beneath it .
If Dex thought I looked happy a minute ago, he should see me now. But he’s busy kissing his way across my collarbone. “Oh, yeah?” I say as my hands travel down to unzip his pants. “Did you used to think about me touching you like this?”
His chuckle quickly turns into a groan. “You have no idea, Sunny.”
“ Trust me, I do,” I tell him with an airy laugh. “I used to think about us too.”
Dex raises his eyebrows as he smiles. “Is that right,” he says as he pulls off my shirt.
I bite my lip and nod as his hand moves under my bra. “And it was always good in my dreams, Dex…but this is so much better than I ever could have imagined.”
Neither of us is laughing anymore. We kiss and touch each other with a new sense of wonder now that this truth has been unveiled. Now that I know he’s wanted me, and he knows I’ve wanted him.
“Sunny,” he says quietly after several minutes of kissing. “When you told me you were dating someone back in February, it really wrecked me. I’m not telling you because I want you to feel bad. I just want you to understand. Why I stopped calling you.”
I search his eyes, confused. “But you sounded…thrilled. You said you were happy for me?—”
“I was acting, Sunny. I’m an actor, remember?”
I frown. “Do you act when we’re together?”