10. Dex
If I’ve slept at all, it’s not for more than a minute here and there, in between panicking, and crying, and replaying the night over and over in my head. Wondering where the hell things went wrong at Ben’s wedding. Trying my damnedest to make sense of Sunny’s sea change.
Before we sat for dinner, everything was going great. Maybe my mom’s weepy speech at the table altered the course of the evening. When she took Sunny’s hand—told her she thought of her like a daughter—then started going on and on about how much we all love her.
It’s true. We do all love her. But saying those words to Sunny? And right there in front of me, when I haven’t yet told her myself? She started biting her lip. And her cheeks turned red. I could tell she was flustered. Embarrassed.
And I know my mom had the best of intentions. But the truth of the matter is, she just doesn’t get it.
When I tell Sunny I love her, I want her to say it back, of course. But what would her “I love you” mean if she doesn’t know who I really am?
Sunny has no idea my mental health hangs by a thread. That I wake up sweating. Consumed by dread. It’s the most awful thing about me. I can be Dex all day, but at night, sometimes, I’m still Ollie.
That’s why I auditioned for community theater. I knew Sunny would be tied up at my dad’s office this summer, and it’s brutal spending long, lazy days without her.
Thank god I got cast in the role of Lysander. It’s nice knowing he gets his happy ending. Better than nice—it feels freeing. What a goddamn relief to be him instead of me.
But under it all I feel like a fraud, and at some point I’m positive I’ll break.
It’s bound to happen eventually, right? I’ll have a panic attack on camera, or on stage.
I can see it all playing out. Beads of sweat on my skin, shallow breath in my mic.
My worst nightmare come to life. My darkest secret under a fucking spotlight. And who will I be then?
And will Sunny still love me if she sees me that way?
What is there to love about a guy who’s Ollie by night and Dex by day?
But I can’t tell my mom all of that. She’s already suffered so much with every pregnancy loss, and I don’t want to add to her struggles. I had to come up with something to say, though.
As soon as we left the table to find coffee, I knew she’d start firing questions at me.
“Dex, why haven’t you told me you and Sunny are together? You’re more than just friends…it’s obvious, honey. So why not ma ke it official? Your dad and I would be thrilled!”
More than just thrilled. It would be their biggest dream come true. Not only theirs—but mine as well.
For a minute I reconsidered.
But I could see myself crumbling under the pressure.
How long could I keep up this act that I was perfect?
Would I ever be the man that Sunny deserves?
No—first I needed to get a handle on my anxiety.
If I focused on acting and tried to ignore it, maybe at some point I’d finally outgrow it. Then I’d be worthy of Sunny’s love.
“It’s complicated, Mom, because of the distance. I don’t think we can handle more than a casual relationship.”
I definitely could have phrased that better. My mom looked disappointed in me.
“A casual relationship won’t work with Sunny . If you don’t tell her how you feel, you might lose her, Dex.”
“She knows how I feel, Mom, we don’t need to label it.”
“Labels are important, honey. Just have the conversation. She loves you too, can’t you see? It’s written all over her face. The two of you are meant to be. You have nothing to be afraid of.”
Afraid. I wish she’d used a different word. That one definitely struck a nerve.
“I should get back to Sunny,” I said, squeezing my temples. I started to make my way back to the table. That’s when I ran into Uncle Ted.
If only Sunny had heard me talking about her.
My uncle was so happy to see us together.
He couldn’t remember when Sunny and I met, so I reminded him we’d been best friends since kindergarten.
That’s when my uncle took a step back and nearly knocked over a young woman standing behind him.
She was tall, with blue eyes and blonde hair.
And she was staring at me. She looked like trouble, that’s all I’ll say.
Luckily, she spotted a friend and walked over to her.
“Well, you and Sunny make a stunning couple,” Uncle Ted said after the blonde woman had gone. “You look like a pair of movie stars.”
“ She’s the real star. Smart, kind, and gorgeous. I still can’t believe how lucky I am. If I play my cards right, I’m hoping that could be us someday.” I nodded toward Ben and his blushing new bride.
Had no clue at the time that my world was about to turn upside down.
“I can’t do this anymore,” Sunny told me. “What we have isn’t real.”
She may have said something else. But I could barely hear.
My vision went spotty—I was afraid I’d go blind.
To be honest, I was sure I was losing my mind.
Just say something. Anything! But what can I say?
She doesn’t want to be with me.
Of course she doesn’t want to be with me.
I’m a fake. A lie. A total sham.
So I nodded and said, “I understand.”
I understand???
What the fuck was I thinking? That is far from the truth—I understand nothing . Like how the hell can two people share a love this intense and let it all go? It just doesn’t make sense. But I let my insecurities win. And letting Sunny go was a godawful sin. I can’t believe I fucked up like that.
But I’ll fight like hell to get her back.
I wait until sunrise, then I drive to Sunny’s house. I’m going to tell her that I love her. Hell, I’ll tell her about my panic attacks if I have to. I’ll squash any doubt she has about us. I’m almost feeling confident when I step onto her lawn.
But as fucking luck would have it—I don’t get very far.
“Dex? What are you doing here?”
It’s her mom. She’s dressed in hospital scrubs, heading toward her car. And she’s scowling.
“I need to talk to Sunny,” I say matter-of-factly.
But my heart is racing. My palms are sweaty.
“Honey, she’s asleep. It’s the crack of dawn! Why don’t I have her call you later this morning?”
No, I can’t turn back. I have to stay. “I’ll sit and wait in my car,” I say.
“You look like you’ve been crying. Did you and Sunny have a fight?”
She does her best to ask politely, but I’m well aware she doesn’t like me.
“It was a misunderstanding, not a fight. I need to talk to her.” To make things right.
“Dex, I don’t know what your intentions are. But trust me when I say, this will not end well. Why don’t you save us all the trouble and go home?”
I can hardly believe my ears. “I’m in love with your daughter. I have been for years. ”
I said it out loud—finally.
It’s like the weight of the world lifts off my shoulders.
For a very brief moment, I feel free.
Until her mom’s narrow eyes shoot daggers at me.
“You know, it wasn’t easy raising Sunny by myself.
She missed out on something, I admit that.
Two parents at home, and family dinners—that’s why she was always with you.
Now, you might think you know my daughter best, but all she wants is stability, honey.
A family, a home, a stable career. That’s what’s most important to her. ”
My head is throbbing. My hands start to twitch. Where the fuck is she going with this? I want to ask her, but no words come out. I definitely don’t feel like Dex right now.
“Dex, with your talent and good looks, you’re destined for fame and fortune,” she goes on. “If anyone can make it in show business, it’s you.”
She’s not the first person to assume I picked this path for the celebrity.
But the glitz and glamour mean fucking nothing to me.
Acting is the only thing that calms my anxiety—besides her daughter, Sunny.
If I tell her that, I know she’ll judge me.
I mean, who would want someone with such a horrible flaw to be their one and only son-in-law?
“Now, how many actors do you know with happy marriages?” she asks me.
“There’s a reason celebrity divorce rates are sky-high.
You’ll never be home. You’ll be surrounded by temptation.
Gorgeous models and actresses flinging themselves at you wherever you go.
And even if you are faithful, there will be rumors.
Your life will be tabloid fodder. And Sunny’s too.
Is that really what you want for her? It’ll be damn-near impossible to maintain a successful relationship, much less give her the life she wants.
The family she missed out on as a child. Think about it.”
Fuck my life. Is she right? No! “You don’t understand—I love her, though.”
“If you love her, honey, you’ll let her go.”
Then she gets in her car and drives away.
And with the heaviest heart…
I do the same.