4. With a condom!
With a condom!
Well shit. Dealing with the West Hollywood Sheriff’s Department was not on Colby’s bingo card for the day.
But neither was his brother getting engaged.
Today was officially an upside-down day, Colby concluded, which is what he called a day where everything goes the polar opposite of what he wanted, expected, or needed.
Hunter approached the cop before Colby could even think to move from the front door of the building.
“The tree crushed it.”
“Yeah. I can see that. Is it yours?” the police officer asked. He kept writing what Colby assumed was a citation, a ticket, or something else he couldn’t afford to pay.
“No. It’s mine.” Colby cleared his throat and took the last couple of flagstone steps from the apartment building’s front door to the sidewalk. “Sorry, sir. This happened in the middle of the night, and I was injured, so we just left the van, but I’ll move it. I mean, I’ll try to move it.”
Colby dug his keys out of his pocket as the police officer’s eyes narrowed and he looked at Colby’s forehead. He stopped writing. “You okay?”
Colby nodded. Hunter smiled at the officer. “I fixed him up. He couldn’t go to the hospital. No insurance, but he seems okay.”
“Yeah,” the officer sighed. “Did the tree also knock the date on the parking pass back a year?”
Fuck. Colby’s shoulders sagged. Hunter blinked and then smacked his own forehead lightly. “I should have thrown the old pass out. Sorry. That’s on me. Colby must have taken the wrong one. I can get you my valid street parking pass. It’s upstairs. It was hanging next to this old one.”
Colby stared at Hunter, trying not to look too impressed by his lie, which rolled out of him so damn smoothly.
The officer glared, but Hunter didn’t flinch.
Colby gave him a weak smile. The officer huffed a little.
“So, if the tree hit in the middle of the night, why were you in the van? Because there’s a no street camping bylaw in West Hollywood and the fine is—”
“Full disclosure, we were drunk.” Colby turned to Hunter.
He looked so unbothered. Like this was, in fact, the God-given truth coming out of his mouth.
He shot the officer a sheepish smile. “Colby came over for some beers and to swim in the pool. We ended up having too many beers, so I told him to crash on the couch, but at like three in the morning, we remembered he needed the pass to park on the street. So he ran down there with it, the wrong one, because beers, and to make matters worse, that’s when the fucking…
sorry… the stupid tree smashed the roof.
While Colby was in the van. He really has the worst luck ever. ”
“I do,” Colby chirped because he had no idea what else to say.
The officer paused, his nose scrunching up as if it hurt him to process this story.
He looked at his ticket book and back at Hunter and then at Colby, who had the common sense to rub his forehead gingerly, drawing attention to the injury for some sympathy.
The officer sighed. “I need this thing off the street in the next twenty-four hours. Tow it if you have to. If it’s still on the curb tomorrow, I’ll impound it, and the fine will be hefty. ”
“Thanks, sir. I appreciate the twenty-four hours. I will get it off the street if I have to push it. I promise,” Colby said, and the officer nodded.
“Yeah. Sure.” The officer walked back to his car across the street.
Once he was gone, Colby stared at Hunter in awe. “Dude, you can fucking act. I believed every word you said.”
Hunter smiled. “Thanks. Now, can you tell every casting director in the city?”
“I would if I could,” Colby replied.
He turned to stare at the van. The city had come and removed the tree limb.
They were probably the ones who called the cops about the van.
He hopped into the driver’s side, the door opening smoothly, but Colby knew better than to take that as a good omen.
Leaving the door open in case the thing started to smoke or tried to implode and he needed a quick exit, Colby stuck the keys in the ignition, closed his eyes, and turned.
It rumbled and grumbled, but it started.
“Fuck yes!” Colby cheered.
Hunter smiled but then shook his head. “You still can’t drive it. I mean, look at it. There’s definitely structural damage, and I wouldn’t be surprised if the axle was fucked. That fucking back door is likely to fly open or something.”
“There’s a mechanic one block over on Fairfax. I could ask him to give me an estimate.”
Hunter’s smile turned soft, like he was about to break bad news. “He’s the fucking devil. He replaced my alternator belt with pantyhose. For real. Plus, he doesn’t do body work.”
“Fuck.” Colby sighed and rested his head on the steering wheel. “Well, I need a place to store it while I call insurance. I can’t let the city impound it. Maybe Trader Joe’s can let me stick it in their underground parking?”
“I have a parking stall,” Hunter said.
Colby turned his head to look at his new guardian angel.
That’s what Hunter had to be, right? Because the guy showed up at exactly the right time, more than once.
And he was quick with solutions. “It’s the last spot down the driveway.
Leandra usually parks there, but I’m sure she won’t mind for a bit.
I use the street pass. If that cop had asked me to go upstairs and get it, we’d have been hooped because it’s in my car over there. ”
Colby followed Hunter’s extended hand, which seemed to be pointing to a beat-up red Kia Soul. “But one pass and two cars on the street don’t match.”
“I can get a second one. The city allows two per household.”
“How much is a street parking pass these days?”
“Eighty bucks for the year.”
Colby had a hundred and forty-eight bucks in his bank account, and he got paid Thursday, so he could swing that. He bit his lip. “If you let me park there for, like, a week, I’ll buy your second parking pass. But the catch is I have to be able to live in the van too.”
“You’re gonna live in my parking spot?” Hunter looked perplexed.
“Yeah. It’s walking distance to work, and I honestly don’t have anywhere else to go,” Colby admitted. “Just until I can sort out the insurance and shit. Seriously, a week, tops, and then I’ll figure something else out. Promise.”
Hunter seemed to consider it. Colby held his breath. It was a lot to ask of a guy who was basically a stranger. Hunter cocked his head and squinted at Colby, the sun gleaming off his glossy almost-black hair. “Admit it. You were wooed by the breakfast burrito and can’t walk away.”
What the fuck? This guy… Colby barked out a laugh. “I mean it was a fantastic burrito.”
“Yeah. Let’s do it.” Hunter started walking backward down the sidewalk, toward the narrow drive that skirted the side of the apartments and had parking spots tucked under the building. “Just don’t run me down. I have a job this afternoon.”
“Like an acting job?” Colby asked as he pulled the door closed and rolled down the window.
“Just a background thing, but it pays, and I get to be on a set which feels like something.” Hunter shrugged.
“Cool!”
The van made a weird sound as Colby pushed it into gear, but it worked.
He was able to maneuver out of the parking space and into Hunter’s designated spot at the back of the building.
Colby turned off the engine and locked up the van after he hopped out.
Hunter was standing at the end of the driveway, staring at the van.
“I’ll text Leandra and let her know the plan.
And then I’ll swing by City Hall and pick up the second pass. ”
“I have to get to Trader Joe’s, but I’ll Venmo you the money. Just text me,” Colby offered.
“I’d need your digits for that,” Hunter reminded him with a smile. He held his phone out to Colby.
“Right. Yeah.” Colby smiled and took Hunter’s phone. He punched in his info and then quickly called himself from Hunter’s phone so he would have Hunter’s info too.
Hunter took his phone back, his fingers brushing Colby’s, and it made Colby want to smile again for some stupid reason. Hunter stared at his screen. “Colby Keaton. Cool. I’m Hunter Law.”
“Great.” What a dumb thing to say. Colby chastised himself and then nodded. “Okay, well, thanks. Text me.”
“Yeah. Cool. Have a good day.”
Colby began to slow jog back down the driveway to the street. He wasn’t in a hurry, but he suddenly had excess energy that he needed to burn off.
His shift moved relatively quickly because he was on register and they had a steady stream of customers.
Before he knew it, it was time for his half-hour lunch break, and Briar had texted him that she was at the Starbucks in the same plaza.
He darted over there instead of hanging out in the depressing break room, which now had a huge crack in the wall and no overhead light because it had fallen to the floor in the quake.
Briar was wearing workout gear and had her gym bag slung over her shoulder. She handed him a breakfast sandwich and an iced caramel macchiato, and when he tried to argue, she held a perfectly manicured hand in front of his face. “You’re injured and homeless, take my fucking charity, asshole.”
Colby laughed. “Well, since you put it so eloquently...”
Briar winked at him and grabbed her own iced coffee off the counter.
She led him out to the courtyard, where there were couches and tables.
Once they were situated on a couch, she demanded he fill in the details of the night before.
He’d sent her a text on his way into work, but it had been vague.
Just: A tree fell on the van, and I have a nasty cut on my head.
But a dude offered me a position in a band, so, winning?
When he was done explaining everything, Briar let out a low whistle. “Jesus, Colby Carter Keaton! I leave you alone for one second…”
He swallowed down the last of his breakfast sandwich and smiled at her. “I know. It’s a lot.”
“And who is this dude again? Hunter? How do you know him?”
“He’s an actor… or I mean he’s trying to be. And I met him earlier in the day, during the earthquake,” Colby explained.
Her left eyebrow lifted toward her braided hair. “And he found you when the tree crushed the van? And patched you up? And let you sleep on his couch?”
“Yeah.”
“Honey, you should ask this dude to marry you,” Briar announced with a slap of her hand on her knee, like a judge throwing down a gavel. “He is your knight in shining armor.”
“Yeah, but no,” Colby said, and for some reason he felt hot. Was he blushing? Why the hell was he blushing? “I mean he’s great. I think we’re gonna be good friends. But no. I’m not marrying him.”
“Okay, well, you should at least bone him.”
“Everything is sexual for you. God.” Colby rolled his eyes and resisted the urge to put his cold drink up to his cheek to ease the redness. He took a sip instead.
“Nothing is sexual enough for you, Colb,” Briar said softly. Then she leaned over and squeezed his knee quickly and lowered her voice another octave as she whispered, “You’re allowed to be yourself, now. No one is going to punish you for having a little fun.”
“He’s straight. Lives with his girlfriend.”
“Oh. Shit.” It was comical how sad she looked for just a second. “Well, then I should marry him because straight guys who are heroes are like fucking unicorns.”
“Again, lives with his girlfriend.”
She nodded and took a long, slow sip of her drink, her big brown eyes never leaving Colby’s face. He got squirrely again, worried she was about to dive deeper into the subject he refused to talk about—his sexuality—and changed the subject. “What are you even doing here?”
“I’m going to the gym. Duh,” she said and waved a hand around in front of her outfit. “And checking on my bestie. Two birds, one stone.”
“And getting caffeinated.”
“Three birds!” She grinned, and Colby couldn’t help but grin back. Gosh, he loved Briar.
“Okay, so the plan is to just live in this dude’s… correction, this dude and his girlfriend’s parking spot?” she questioned. “How will you get to gigs?”
“I know it’s an unknown fact, but Los Angeles has public transportation,” Colby said and waited for the typical reaction from people who were true Angelinos. Briar’s face twisted into a look of utter revulsion. There it was.
“Honey, you are not at a public transit level of despair. Not yet. I will not allow it. Besides, it takes forever, and it doesn’t run twenty-four seven.”
“That’s what Uber is for. They even have a ride-share option which cuts the cost.”
“I heard about that!” Briar exclaimed overdramatically. “Because there was a girl on the news who got raped and pillaged taking one of those.”
Colby frowned. Briar leaned closer to him and whispered, “You’re pretty enough to pillage.”
He shoved her playfully. “Speaking of rides, what are you doing Sunday?”
“I have a full day. Going to the gym and then sleeping and fantasizing about working on a show that doesn’t make me roll my eyes so hard I’m afraid they’ll get stuck.” She sipped her coffee again and picked at a piece of lint on her leggings.
“Well, if your eyes get stuck, at least you have health care to treat it because, union job!” Colby reminded her, and she sighed but nodded. “So if I buy you an iced coffee and gas, will you come to a party with me?”
“Where?”
Colby took a deep breath. “Oceanside. Apparently, Atlas is engaged, and my parents are throwing them a party.”
“Atlas? Your brother?” Briar questioned, and Colby nodded, a piece of his long hair breaking free of the low pony he held it back in while working. “To someone with a vagina?”
“Fair question.” Colby pushed the hair back from his cheek. “And apparently yes.”
Briar’s eyes went wide, and she blinked and shook her head. “No fucking way.”
She smiled, dropped her sunglasses over her eyes, and then patted his knee. “Yes, to taking you. I need to see this shit show for myself.”
“Okay. Thanks.” Colby checked his phone and leaned in to hug her. “I have to get back to work. And you need to hit the gym.”
“Meow!”
“Oh please bitch, you look sensational. But you’re here for the gym, right?” Briar lifted her eyes to the second floor of the outdoor plaza, where the Gold’s was located, and then she shrugged.
“Isn’t it dangerous to work out on a full stomach?”
“That’s swimming.”
“Is it though?” Briar stood and hugged him. “Be strong. Be safe. Wear a condom.”
He grinned and squeezed her tight. “Be strong. Be safe. Fuck the haters.”
“With a condom!” she called after him as he walked back to Trader Joe’s.
His phone buzzed in his pocket with a notification. It was a text message from Hunter Law with a photo of a West Hollywood parking pass. Colby smiled way bigger than he should.