Chapter Fifteen #2
Finally, a long, slow exhale comes from the other end of the line. “I’m just trying to process.” I press my thumb a little harder into the point while I wait. “Is that why you slept with Emily? To see if you liked it with someone else?”
I close my eyes. “Yeah.”
“Did you? Like it?”
It was different than with Alex. But it was also different than it was with Tyler and Luka. Different doesn’t equate to bad. “I did.” And that’s the truth. It was the afterward part that made me feel gross and remorseful. But that’s an entirely different set of questions and answers.
“Wow. That’s…” She chuckles, but I’m under no illusion that she actually finds any of this funny. “That’s good. That’s…good.”
I should tell her it was a mistake. Being with Emily. That if I pushed aside my hurt for one minute, it probably wouldn’t have happened. That this is what I get for being a vindictive asshole.
“So,” she says before I get a chance to say anything else. “What do we do now? Pretend like we never happened?”
We.
My heart starts to race, and I feel the sharp edge of panic creep its way in. “I don’t want to do that. I don’t regret it. You and me. I could never regret you. I just want to figure out a way to move forward.”
“Do you still need space? From me?” She sounds so small. So insecure. It makes me hate myself just a little bit more.
“No.” I shake my head, even though she can’t see it. “Space from you made me miserable. I don’t want space.”
She takes a deep breath, maybe of relief. “I don’t want space either.”
I sit on the edge of my bed and reach for my necklace again. “I’m sorry I let this come between us. Especially after promising it wouldn’t change things.”
“This isn’t just on you, Jules. I pulled away, too. Figuring yourself out is…it can be a lot.”
“You’re not kidding.”
“Can I ask you something?” she asks after a beat. “Are you and Emily…”
“No,” I say quickly, wanting to put that to bed as quickly as possible. No pun intended. “We’re just friends.”
At least, I hope we are.
It isn’t lost on me that this could be viewed as a trend. Sleeping with friends while I figure my shit out. The only difference is, one of them meant something. The other didn’t. And there’s whole galaxies’ worth of space between the two.
“Hey, so, I’ve been thinking a lot about how you said I don’t tell you things.”
“Alex—”
“And you’re right,” she continues. “So here it goes. On New Year’s Day, after we left Chloe’s, I met up with Simone. We grabbed lunch, then hooked up in the back seat of her car.”
“Oh. That’s…” Not at all what I was expecting her to say.
“There was also this one girl in France, but it was really bad, and it was only the one time, and I didn’t tell you about her because it was kind of embarrassing.”
“You don’t really have to tell me everyone you’ve slept with,” I tell her. Even though technically, I did ask for her to share that type of thing. “But thank you. For sharing.”
“There’s one more thing.” She hesitates. I have a feeling whatever she’s going to say next is going to hurt. “Trinity and I…it’s not just casual. I don’t know how serious it is yet, but you were right. It’s more than casual.”
That particular confession leaves a sharp pain right in the middle of my chest. “Thank you for telling me that, too.”
The line goes quiet again, and this time, I doubt either of us is itching to fill it. There’s probably more to talk about, more feelings and concerns to unpack, but after everything that’s happened in the last couple of months, I think we’ve made enough progress for today.
“Okay, well,” I say when the silence gets to be too much, “I have class soon, so I better go.”
“Overachiever,” she quips.
“Slacker,” I fire back, and I somehow know she’s smiling.
For the first time since our night in the hotel, I’m starting to believe that maybe we’ll be okay.
January is the worst. Mainly because the holidays are over, and without all the lights and cheer, everything is just sort of dreary and dull.
And even though I enjoy school, I’d have liked a few more days at home.
A few more days with Alex. Her classes don’t resume for another week, and I have never cursed our difference in schedules more.
I think about her standing at the end of my driveway in her pajamas and slippers, a blanket draped over her shoulders, her retainer still in, and her hair a mess, waving good-bye early yesterday morning.
It isn’t lost on me that this time, I was the one driving away.
Even if it was just a few hours north back to Penn.
Since our phone call, things between us have been better. We’ve been talking more, and Alex has tried so hard to fill me in on things, like how she wants to get a tattoo, but she doesn’t know what to get. And how she and Simone are still friends but thankfully haven’t hooked up again.
Sometimes she overshares. She showed me a picture of Sophia and admitted that they slept together pretty much all the time.
She’s trying, and I appreciate it. There’s still a little bit of awkwardness, though.
A lingering something that seems to float between us.
An invisible barrier that keeps us from being exactly how we were before.
We’re friends with tension.
I adjust my coat over the new sweater Alex got me for Christmas and tug my hat a little tighter. The wind is biting, and I’m not a fan. With my first morning class out of the way, I decide to cheer myself up in the form of a large peppermint mocha with extra whip.
While I wait for my drink, I text Alex. Are you out of bed yet?
It doesn’t take her long to respond. Absolutely.
Prove it.
“Grande peppermint mocha for Julia,” the barista calls out. She winks, and I smile back. Attracted but not interested.
A picture of Alex comes through, stealing my attention. She’s still in bed looking sleepy and adorable.
You’re such a liar, I type back. Just as I hit send, I turn and run straight into something hard. And person shaped. “Oh my God,” I say as I watch my drink dribble down his shirt in absolute horror. “I am so sorry. I wasn’t paying attention. Clearly.”
He holds out his hands and stares down at his clothes now covered in a dark, brownish-red stain and forces a laugh. “It’s totally fine. I never liked this shirt anyway.” He winces. “Or these pants.”
That’s when I see the large wet spot right at his crotch. His entire outfit is ruined, including his jacket. I quickly grab a stack of napkins and shove them into his hands. “I’m so sorry.”
“It’s Julia, right?” he says, staring at me and dabbing half-heartedly at his shirt. “I’m Brian. We’re in corporate finance together.”
I stop plucking napkins and really look at him.
His blond hair is brushed neatly to one side, showcasing his bright blue eyes.
He has a charming smile and a little dimple in the center of his chin.
When I get past the initial surprise of attractiveness, I realize that I have seen him before.
“Wait.” I squint and think back to some of my other classes.
“Weren’t you in my business stats class last year? You sat close to the door.”
A slow smile stretches across his lips, and his eyes seem to brighten. “You never know when you might need to make a quick exit. Especially in statistics.”
I laugh. “Very true.” We stand there in the middle of the bustling coffee shop, grinning at each other until someone knocks into my shoulder and startles me back to reality. “Please, let me buy you a drink?”
“Yeah, that’d be great.” He tosses the stack of napkins in the garbage and follows me to the counter. Once I’ve ordered, he invites me to sit at one of the empty tables in the back. When he pulls my chair out for me, I get the feeling he isn’t upset at all about his wet clothes.
Two hours later, when my next class is missed and the stains have dried deep into Brian’s clothes, I struggle to remember why I needed cheering up in the first place.