Chapter Twenty-Three
Mara-Present
Save Yourself-KALEO
It’s been two weeks since Jason and I had our heart to heart and it feels like he’s been making changes to positively affect our relationship.
He still has nightmares and he doesn’t talk about it but I see him writing in the middle of the night sometimes and I like to think he’s doing that not only for me, but for himself.
He just needed a little push to realize he was his own worst enemy.
I just roll over and go back to sleep when I notice he’s writing.
I don’t want to disturb him or the cathartic bubble he’s created.
The mornings following his nightmares I wake him up with my lips wrapped around his already hard dick.
If he’s noticed that my blow jobs usually correspond with his nightmares, he hasn’t let on to it.
The pain etched into his features when he’s lost to a nightmare breaks my heart.
He looks like a little boy, helpless and innocent.
I know that innocence is gone, he’s a full grown man now, but I still want to remind him he’s cared for.
The more time I spend with Jason, the more I realize he’s a man masquerading as a brute when he’s just a cinnamon roll who needs affection like the rest of us. I want to give him that so badly.
I’ve put my insecurities on the back burner, deciding I need to soak up every ounce of the happiness I’ve been feeling. I don’t know if it will last, so I might as well make the most of right now.
Laying beside Jason at night, the pathetic thoughts creep back in and I start to worry if he’ll send me packing when the snow melts.
It’s hard to ignore them when they pound at my mental walls trying to break through my shields.
I don’t know how to explain the back and forth of my thoughts.
One day I’m fine and the next I’m struggling.
I’m slow. I’m fatigued and worried with little explanation.
For so long, I was just depressed. But with the joy Jason and Dylan have brought me simply by liking who I am without the rest of the world surrounding me–the expectations and astronomical standards, have brought more good days than bad.
I never realized how much I needed the true acceptance of others before now.
I thought I had to conform to the image others wanted to earn acceptance and that would make me happy.
Through these two unlikely characters in my story, I discovered I’m a reformed people pleaser who didn’t need to change to be happy.
I needed to change the people in my life to find contentment.
The people in my life before this happy accident blinded me to the fact that they weren’t what I needed. Maybe I’m pathetic for not realizing it sooner. But I’m human.
I’m cleaning out the chicken stall while Dylan is working on Bessie’s stall.
The chicks are thriving. We’re even incubating more eggs at the moment.
The last batch of fluffy chicks are skittering around my feet while I try to lay new wood shavings on the floor for them.
Afterward, I collect the eggs from the nesting box.
There are five today, which is two less than yesterday.
But Dylan said it’s normal for their egg production to slow down in the winter.
Come April, he said there will be a dozen every morning with the number of layers they have.
I wonder if I’ll be here to see it.
I stop by Bessie’s stall on my way out. Dylan has music playing on his phone, he must have pre-downloaded a bunch of songs before hibernation began. “Need any help?” I ask, leaning against the support beam while Dylan shovels horse shit into a wheel barrel.
“Nah, I got it from here. Almost done. How many eggs today?”
“Five.” I hold the basket out for him to see.
“That’s ok. We don’t need much. In the spring and summer we have eggs coming out of our ears. The chicks won’t be laying until about 18 weeks old.”
“I know Jason doesn’t really leave the mountain in the spring but what about you?
” It’s been bugging me for months. I’ve been dying to know what changes for Dylan when the snow melts.
This doesn’t seem like the kind of life he’d want but here he is, cleaning a horse stall in below freezing weather.
Granted, the barn is heated for the animals.
“Yeah, I go to town for groceries and stuff. Sometimes I go out with a couple friends. But it’s hard to get close to people when you disappear for almost half a year.”
It feels tactless to ask but… “what about relationships? I mean, how do you meet other guys? Especially in a town that isn’t as progressive in their beliefs. I know you said there are some closeted guys but…” I don’t know what else I’m trying to say.
“You mean, how do I get laid?” Dylan winks at me making this even more uncomfortable than it already is.
“I shouldn’t have asked,” I confess, feeling like I overstepped a boundary.
“No, it’s ok,” Dylan placates me. “I really don’t mind. Honestly, the action is a little dry in this town. I told you there are a few people in the closet who like to get together when the snow melts. But I’ve gotten to a point where I don’t like being a secret anymore.”
“Yeah, I get that,” I admit before thinking better of it. My situation was not nearly the same as Dylan’s. But by the raise of his brows I assume he is curious to learn more.
I sign heavily and begin. “Sorry. My situation was not nearly the same as yours. I was with my ex for about two years and he didn’t actually refer to me as his girlfriend until I caught him cheating and dumped him on the spot.
Funny how he never took me to spend time with his family or friends much, but all of a sudden I was the love of his life when I was ending it.
I don’t know if he was ashamed of me or just keeping things casual.
He was probably cheating on me the whole time.
Though I guess it’s not cheating if you’re not official. ”
“You never had the talk?” Dylan stands the shovel against the wall, abandoning his chore momentarily for the distraction of our conversation.
I shake my head. “I didn’t want to be the needy girlfriend who needed labels on everything.
Alpha-jackasses love to belittle women for insecure behaviors such as making a relationship official, calling him her boyfriend.
At least that’s the way it was in high school.
You’d think I would have learned my lesson. ”
Dylan perks up at that. “What is that supposed to mean?” He waggles his eyebrows as if he knows where this is going.
“Ugh,” I huff. “Just…Jason. And please keep this between us. I just don’t really know where we stand. It’s no secret to you we’re fucking. And I think things are a little more than that, now, but I don’t know where we stand when the snow melts and I can leave.”
“Let me guess,” Dylan lowers to the freshly cleared floor and closes his ankles in front of him, “you haven’t bothered to ask him what he wants.”
“Gee, am I that transparent?“ I drop to the ground and bury my face in my palms.
“You two are such a cliche.” He’s laughing, actually laughing at our situation.
“You’re both sure of your feelings but confused how to go about it.
And before you ask, no, Jason hasn’t told me anything.
He doesn’t talk much, in case you haven’t noticed.
But I can tell he’s just as unsteady as you in your relationship. ”
“You’re pretty wise for a guy who’s never been in a relationship.” No sooner do the words leave my mouth before I register just how insensitive they were. “Oh, Dylan. I am so sorry. That was such a bitchy thing to say and I didn’t mean it how it came out.”
The shadow that passes over his face tells me my words struck a nerve. But it’s gone as quickly as it came and I know it’s already forgiven.
“It’s ok,” he assures me with a wave of his hand, “you’re right. I’ve never been in a relationship. But I’ve observed a lot of failed relationships from the sidelines and I like to think I’ve learned a thing or two from poor examples.”
“Thank you,” I bow my head in shame. “And you’re right. Maybe being a third party observant gives you a better outlook on things.”
“Don’t get me wrong, I’d love to find love. I’d love to find a guy who isn’t ashamed to shout from the rooftops that he loves me, but it’s hard to find that here.”
“What about leaving?” Once I’ve dropped that bombshell of a question, it hangs like a mushroom cloud in the air waiting for a response that I don’t think Dylan even knows the answer to. Conflict rages in his eyes. I can see the wheels turning and thoughts battling in his head.
“I’ve thought about it. I’d love to get my teaching degree so I can be a better teacher and coach than I had.
I know that sounds fucked up since my wrestling coach was my first. But I didn’t realize how messed up and predatory that was until I was older.
I deserved better than that. I deserved a mentor who would encourage me to be who I am instead of messing around with me in his office after hours and keeping it all quiet.
I want to be the example that being different in a small town doesn’t have to be a sin. ”
If I didn’t already know Dylan was a saint, I’d know with that.
The fact that he wants to use his trauma and abuse to change the lives of others for the better is so positive.
He’s the picture perfect image of healing and moving on from your past. He could have let his experiences break him, but he’s choosing to use his pain to heal the world instead.
“That’s a really selfless outlook,” I praise him. “So why don’t you? Why not enroll in classes as soon as the snow melts?”
Dylan chews on his lip mulling that notion over, averting his eyes from me in the process.
Finally, he discloses, “I couldn’t do that to Jason.
Not after all he’s done for me. The business is growing and he can’t keep up with orders on his own.
Especially in the summer. He needs my help. And I owe him.”
Excuse me?
“What?” My brows pull together and I lean forward as if I can coax more out of him. “You owe him? For what?”
Dylan looks like a deer in the headlights. Frozen in time with an expression of regret and shock on his face. “It’s not my story to tell,” he finally says, which does absolute shit to satisfy my curiosity.
“It certainly sounds like it is. What happened, Dylan?”
“Mara, I’m not sure he wants you to—.”
“Bullshit,” I sound fiercer than I meant to. “Does it have something to do with why he doesn’t speak?”
“No, I have no idea why he doesn’t speak. Not sure we ever will. This is something different. I shouldn’t have said anything.”
“But you did. So what happened, Dylan?”
He releases a heavy sigh and leans his head back to look at the ceiling before settling his eyes on me once again. “Ok, fine. But, Mara, you have to keep an open mind. And try to understand. I’m sure there’s a lot about our family you don’t know.”
I wait patiently. If I was in a chair, I’d be on the edge of my seat. The ominous tension in the air tells me this is going to be hard to hear. I have a strong suspicion I’ll never look at Jason the same way again. But I hope I’ll understand him more after this.
“The beatings started when we were little. I think I was nine so Jason was probably ten.” I suck in a breath.
That was the last thing I expected. Their family always seemed close, the perfect nuclear family.
Their mom was always at school fundraisers with baked goods.
“I don’t remember why it started. He wasn’t a drunk or anything.
He was just evil and bitter. And he made our lives as hellish as he felt his own was. ”