Chapter 42
Chapter Forty-Two
Amber looked disgustingly gorgeous for someone who’d just given birth in the front seat of a Subaru. Hours later, she was still glowing, propped up in her hospital bed like a queen holding court while everyone circled around her bed to admire her and the precious babies.
And they were so gorgeous.
Lily couldn’t stop staring. More than staring—she was head over heels in love.
Something had shifted tectonically inside her watching them being born, and she was still reeling.
Amber’s strength awed her, Theo’s devotion left her aching, and the babies—God, those perfect faces.
Lily could have watched them breathe forever.
“Everyone, meet Theodore Clairmont, Jr.,” Amber announced, angling the swaddled bundle in her right arm so the family could coo appropriately.
“Though if anyone calls him that, they’re cut off.
Teddy only. And this”— she lifted the pink-hatted baby in her left arm with a tender smile —“is Mirabella. Mira for short.”
“Mira and Teddy.” Evie sighed dreamily. “I love them already.”
Amber’s gaze softened as she looked at Theo. “He picked them. Been holding out on me with the fancy names.”
Theo stood beaming by her side, though still a little pale from the ordeal.
He’d been frantic, half ready to carry Amber to the hospital himself, but true to form, Amber hadn’t waited.
The EMTs had taken over, and she’d pushed with everything she had.
Their daughter had arrived screaming with fury at her early ignominious entrance, a fiery contrast to her calm, drowsy brother.
“You’re going to have the best time with these two,” Allie said, leaning over to adjust Teddy’s hat. “Savvie and Tessa are dying to meet their cousins.”
Amber’s eyes fluttered closed, exhaustion seeping in now that the adrenaline had drained away. “I wasn’t ready for this. I needed those extra weeks of pregnancy to psych myself up. Shame they didn’t take me seriously and decided to show up three weeks early anyway.”
“They’re perfect,” Annette said firmly. “And you’ll manage just fine with all of us here to help.” She bent to smooth Amber’s hair back from her damp forehead. “But you have to take care of yourself and rest when you can.”
Amber’s mouth curved faintly, her eyes still closed. “Oh, like I’m sure you did when you had twins?”
The sisters laughed softly, but Lily’s throat ached. She was too full—of pride, of love, of longing. Watching her family expand, her sister glow, those babies take their first breaths—it cracked her right open.
After a little more chatter, Annette left with Allie, and Evie shortly after.
Lily couldn’t bring herself to leave just yet.
She’d patiently waited her turn to hold Mira, and she didn’t want to put her down just yet.
Mira was warm and impossibly tiny in her arms as she rocked her.
She nuzzled her pretty head, and Mira’s tiny fist curled tight around Lily’s finger.
Lily couldn’t let go. Her whole body ached with it—with wanting. With love so fierce it hollowed her out.
The door opened again, and Lily glanced up to see Theo’s older brother, Grant Clairmont.
Grant might have shared Theo’s dark hair and broad shoulders, but where Theo was polished charm, his brother carried himself like a man who spent more time on the street than in an office, which made sense because he was a detective in Boston.
His suit jacket hung open, tie loosened, the worn strap of his shoulder holster visible, along with a badge clipped to his belt.
“Grant!” Theo said warmly, stepping forward to pull him into a hug. “Glad you made it.”
“Wouldn’t miss it,” Grant replied easily. His gaze swept the room, landing on Lily with a grin of recognition. “Lily, right? We met at the wedding.”
“How could I forget the stampede when you caught the bouquet?” Lily said, smiling.
Grant shrugged, looking faintly abashed, though the curve of his mouth suggested he hadn’t minded all that much.
Amber leaned back against her pillows, exhaustion etched onto her features now, along with radiance. “God, I love them. Makes me wish I hadn’t waited.” She shook her head, eyes dreamy. “You’re going to love this, Lily. You won’t believe how much.”
Lily kissed Mira’s downy head, inhaling that newborn sweetness until her chest hurt. “I can’t wait for my turn.”
“Then don’t,” Amber said simply, as if it were that easy.
Before Lily could respond, a knock rapped on the door.
Rush stood in the doorway, uniform still on, Stetson in hand.
For a heartbeat, her world tilted. He looked every inch the sheriff—the way he held himself, the energy coming off him—but the weariness at the edges of his face, the sadness in his eyes, tethered her heart so tightly to his she could hardly breathe.
Theo was already striding toward him, gripping Rush’s hand and pulling him in for one of those man hugs that involved back pounding, which Rush returned with a surprised smile. “Man, I can’t thank you enough. You delivered my son.”
Grant greeted him next. Lily caught the flicker of surprise on Rush’s face. “Didn’t expect to see you here.”
“Didn’t expect to be here before you left for Boston,” Grant replied easily. “But my niece and nephew had other plans.”
The words sliced through her. Somehow, she’d managed to forget. Pretend. But hearing it out loud made the floor shift beneath her for the second time that day. So she rocked and thought and nuzzled her niece.
After a few minutes, Grant left to check into his hotel, and Amber insisted she couldn’t rest until she had a shower.
“I think I need your help,” she groaned, holding onto the arm Theo held out to get off the bed. “Can you hold Teddy for a bit?”
Before Rush could object, Teddy was in his arms, tiny and impossibly fragile against all that muscle. He came to sit on the bed next to her rocker. It wasn’t lost on Lily, the strange, temporary family tableau they made. Teddy in his arms, Mira in hers.
“They’re so small,” she whispered. She didn’t dare look up, or the tears would fall.
“Yeah.” His voice was rough. “First time I held Rachel and Sarah, I thought I’d crush them. My hands didn’t fit around something so tiny. But then they grabbed on, and I knew I’d do anything—anything—to keep them safe,” he finished huskily.
Lily risked a glance at him. His jaw was locked tightly, but he held Teddy in his strong arms so naturally that it was both beautiful and unbearable.
She rocked Mira gently, tracing the curve of her cheek with her fingertip. “Aren’t they beautiful?”
“Yes.” When she looked up, he wasn’t watching the baby. He was watching her.
Her chest squeezed. “You did good today,” she whispered. “Delivering them.”
His mouth tugged at one corner. “Panicked for a minute there. But then—” He shifted Teddy and rubbed the back of his neck. “Had to face it.”
Something unspooled inside her at the admission. At the proof he could fight his fears. Proof he could heal. Proof he could stay… if he wanted to.
“Grant said you’re still planning on leaving?” she asked softly.
“Yeah. Couple more weeks.” His gaze stayed fixed on Teddy. “House is in talks right now. It’s a nice family. Just what you wanted for the next owners.” He said it lightly, but his eyes were tired.
“Yeah,” she murmured. “Just what I wanted.”
“Hey,” he said softly, like it was already decided. “Let’s go home. I’ll make dinner and—”
Her heart leaped before she could stop it. For one sweet, dangerous moment, she almost nodded. To go home with him and pet Riggs and sit in that beautiful kitchen overlooking the apple orchard while Rush cooked, and she pretended for a little while longer that this could last.
But she shifted Mira carefully in her arms, pressing her lips to her soft hair and breaking the spell.
“Rush… I’ve had two dreams my whole life.
Dancing and sharing that with others. And having a family of my own.
” Her voice cracked. “I’ve made the first one happen, and I’m not giving up on the other. ”
He froze, his eyes wary.
“I can’t go home with you,” she whispered. “I can’t keep doing this with you if I want my dream to come true. It hurts too much.”
“Lily…” He shook his head, pain in his eyes. “I want this too. You know I do. I just—I don’t know how to stay.”
“Don’t be sorry,” she said, even as tears spilled faster down her cheeks.
“You never promised me forever. I just didn’t realize how much it would hurt.
.. and how much more it’ll hurt if we drag it out until you leave next month.
” A tear fell onto Mira’s cheek. Gently, she wiped it away. “Sorry,” she murmured to them both.
“Don’t ever apologize for crying,” he said hoarsely. “It means you care.”
“Damn,” she laughed, or tried to. “This wasn’t the plan. I thought I’d kiss you goodbye when you left, let you go, and that would’ve been the end. But today changed something for me.”
She looked down at Mira’s tiny sleeping face. “I want this. So damn much it hurts. And I can’t have it if part of me is still hoping you’ll change your mind.”
Another tear slipped down and landed on her wrist. She brushed it away quickly, but Rush caught her hand, his thumb skimming over her pulse.
“It’s true,” she added with a watery laugh. “I’m already halfway to falling in love with you. Okay, more than half.”
He opened his mouth, but she shook her head.
“Don’t. Just let me get this out.”
She took a deep breath and tried to steady herself. I am a still lake. I am a still lake. But the mantra crumbled under the weight of him, of this, of everything she wanted pressing against her chest. Her vision blurred, and the tears slipped through anyway.
“I am in love with you, Rush. And I need to walk away because loving you shouldn’t mean losing the life I’ve dreamed of.”
Rush went perfectly still, like someone had cut off his air. “Lily—”
“Let me finish,” she stopped him quietly. “I know you never promised me anything, and I kept telling myself I could handle that. That I could just enjoy what this was and let it end when it had to.”
A breath shuddered through her. “But today made it really clear I can’t do that anymore. I want this too much. And wanting it doesn’t make you wrong. It just makes me… done pretending I don’t. So it’s better if we end this now.”
She smoothed a thumb gently over Mira’s cheek, blinking back a blur of tears. “We can walk away before it hurts too much later.”
“Shit.” He sighed heavily. “I’m not ready to say goodbye.”
Her chest splintered at his words. “I know. That’s why we have to. Because you feel like the best thing I’ve ever had—and the one thing I can’t keep.”
He caught her gaze. She could see the war behind his eyes but no answer she could hold on to.
“This doesn’t have to be the end,” he said, voice strained with the emotions she saw in his eyes. “I’ll be back to see Sarah and Rachel and Pop. We’ll see each other. We’ll—”
“Don’t you see how that’s worse?” Sadly, she shook her head. “That’s me settling, and I swore I would never do that again.”
“Lily—”
“It’s the same as me running from the altar,” she said softly. “Only this time, you’re the one running. I ran… and came back. You won’t.”
She leaned into his shoulder, absorbing his warmth one last time, until he tilted her chin up. His kiss was slow, reverent, a goodbye and a damn-you-not-yet kiss in one. It stole her breath and made her ache to say never mind. Let’s go home together. I’ll pretend this is all I need.
And still, she kissed him back, drawing him in even as it tore her apart—because she knew it was the last time.
When he finally pulled away, his voice was sandpaper. “I hope your dreams come true, Lily. You deserve everything.”
He set Teddy carefully in the clear hospital bassinet, settled his Stetson low on his head, and walked out. He didn’t look back.
And then it was just her and Mira again. Rocking, silent tears sliding down her face, wishing love didn’t feel so much like loss.
Dreams weren’t supposed to break your heart. But as Mira’s tiny breath warmed her chest, Lily knew hers just had.