Chapter Thirty-Seven #2
Jonathan leaves the heavy wooden door open a crack, and thankfully, the glass wall is covered with blinds so we can stand directly outside the door and hear everything. I lean against the opposite wall, afraid my knees may buckle.
Collin practically has his ear to the door. If he gets us caught, he’ll have to clean the contents of my stomach off his sneakers.
Doesn’t sound like we missed much of their conversation.
“Yeah, I’m going to miss this office. The new one isn’t far, but this one has always felt like mine.”
Jonathan’s nerves don’t have the patience for polite conversation. “What’d you want to talk about?”
“I want this to be handled just between us. And I need you to hear me out.”
“This is about Penn State.” Jonathan cuts right to the point. I don’t blame him.
I hold my breath.
“It’s more than that.” Dad hesitates. “I know your life hasn’t always been easy. I did my best to keep your path clear. From this point forward, you’re responsible for doing that yourself.”
“I understand. I don’t plan on this reputation following me to college. I’ve got too much to lose.”
“That’s what concerns me. You’ve always had too much to lose, but you still got dragged into these altercations. Your temper is your answer when conflicts arise. What are you doing to change that?”
Jonathan’s silent. I’m still not breathing.
“I will not allow my daughter to be in harm’s way because you don’t know how to—”
“I would never—”
“Let me finish.” His voice cuts Jonathan’s short and has me exhaling in shock. I’ve never heard my father raise his voice. Not even to Gavin.
“Sorry,” Jonathan utters.
“I know you believe it. But your fuse is short, and you don’t think once it’s lit. I’ve read the reports. I heard the interviews. You may not start it, but you don’t know when to walk away. And I need you to be the one who walks away.”
Jonathan doesn’t respond. I want him to assure my dad that he can walk away from a fight. Except I suddenly fear that’s not what my father’s asking.
Collin doesn’t meet my eyes.
A door clicks shut.
Collin and I turn toward the reception area.
The thud of approaching footsteps has me yanking Collin’s arm and dragging him into the copy room across the hall.
My pulse thrums in my ears as I strain to listen.
“What’s he doing here?” Jonathan’s raised voice is easily heard through the walls.
I crack the door and peek out. The office door is partially open. Raised voices bellow through the halls.
“He’s here for the same reason I am. To decide what’s best for your future.”
“Mine? Or Sadie’s?” Jonathan demands, the politeness dropped.
I focus on breathing to calm my racing heart. But every word makes it even harder to come back to myself. I purse my lips and blow out long, slow breaths, like Jonathan talks me through.
Collin’s in the middle of the hall, prepared to enter the office at any minute. I lean against the closed door to the copy room with my eyes shut.
“They’re tied together because of you. And I want to be sure that’s not the case when you leave this office.” My father’s using his court voice. Firm, confident and authoritative. He’s talented at convincing jurors his narrative’s the right one. The best one.
“Your mother wants you to come home.” Hal’s deep voice is louder than either of them, and he’s not even yelling.
My eyes snap open and instantly tear up. The only reason he’d be here is if my dad called him.
Collin whispers, “What the hell?”
“You said—” Jonathan begins.
“I know what I said. But things are different now. That whole fire situation got cleared up, and your mother misses you.” His tone is direct but absent of anger. There’s no room for argument either. “You’re graduating and leaving for college soon. Don’t do this to her.”
“What does this have to do with me and Sadie?” Jonathan’s frustration has reached its limit.
“End things with her.”
I blink. I must not have heard correctly. My dad would never say that.
“What?” Jonathan doesn’t believe it either.
“You don’t want to do this to her, son,” Hal says. “She has her own life to live.”
“You don’t know anything about us! Neither of you do,” Jonathan hollers at them, but I detect his fear. The emotion’s strangling me as well.
My father talks over Jonathan, words coated with false sympathy. “After some time, if this is real, you’ll find your way back together. But right now, I can’t have her following you to college. She needs to make her own choices.”
“She decided this. Not me.”
“But it’s because of you!” This isn’t a discussion. And it’s not about what I want. My father’s verdict is final. There’s no changing his mind.
“Tell him what you told me,” Hal says.
“If you agree to sever all connection after graduation, your record will be completely sealed. No one will have access to it. And whatever the scholarships don’t cover, I’ll take care of. You won’t owe anything for school. Even if the scholarship amounts change in the future.”
“That seems fair,” Hal adds, like this is a business arrangement.
I cover my mouth to capture the gasp. Tears blur my vision. The floor gives out from under me. I don’t know which way is up.
“Stay out of this!” Jonathan yells. “There’s no way in hell I’m going home with you!”
“Well…” Dad’s voice calms again, securing the noose. “This will only happen if you return home until you leave for school.”
I don’t recognize the man in the office right now. Where’s the kind, understanding man who’s supposed to be my dad? The one with the big heart and comforting hugs?
“Why are you doing this?” Jonathan’s broken words echo my thoughts.
I wave at Collin to get his attention. I can’t stay here. It’s too much. But he’s oblivious. His fists clenched by his sides.
“I’m trying my best to look out for everyone here. Sadie. Samantha. Your brother. Even you. This is the right thing to do. I promise.”
“Otherwise, I may have to press charges for what you did to me.”
At Hal’s threat, I take a step toward the office door. Collin hovers right outside.
“You’re going to let him do this? After everything you know?” Jonathan’s voice is frantic, pleading. “You promised to help me!”
His pain is mine. His desperate words rip my chest open.
“Hal,” my father warns, “we didn’t agree to this.”
“I’m tired of you disrespecting me, boy.
I am your father. I’ve put a roof over your head for nearly eighteen years.
I hired world-class swim instructors to perfect your stroke.
Hell, you wouldn’t be getting a damn scholarship if it weren’t for me.
Now shut your fucking mouth and thank Eli for his generosity.
Then get your ass home, where it belongs.
I will not let you break your mother’s heart. Do you hear me?”
“Hal, take your hands off him,” my father orders.
I shake my head like it’ll change the words. My dad wants to make a difference. To break cycles. Why is he tossing Jonathan right back into the ring?
I take a breath, but my lungs are sealed shut. I take another and another, but the air doesn’t go deep enough.
“Sadie?” Collin’s voice is a distant echo.
“I can’t… I can’t do this.”
“Where are you going?” he hisses. He reaches for me, but I’m stumbling down the hall and around the corner.
My entire body’s closing down. My vision’s a small tunnel of light.
I reach for the nearest door and falter inside. My heart’s beating too fast.
Collin follows me inside. I can’t hear what he’s saying. He closes the door behind us.
I slink to the floor, crumpling into a ball.
This can’t be real. This isn’t happening.
I close my eyes and focus on my breaths. But I’m breathing through a straw.
Everything blurs. I’m trapped in the spiral. Heart racing. Fingers tingling.
My world’s slipped sideways, and I don’t know how to set it right.